dreamcrisp1, I understand wanting to check your BF's phone. I guess my flameful is that I did that a month or so ago too. I did come clean with my BF and it gave us a good chance to talk through what was bothering me (the fact that he was still in contact from time to time with his ex as friends) and figure out what to do about it. I think snooping is disrespectful, but it's also really hard to fully trust when you've been burned in the past. I don't think for me my insecurities had anything at all to do with my boyfriend/relationship, because everything is great and he's a wonderful and trustworthy person. It comes from me and my own past and issues around that. And yes everyone, I did tell my counselor about this too Anyway, don't do it again but I don't think it means you are a bad person or your relationship is doomed either.
But please don't cheat in Europe. It's fun to make out with a foreigner on vacation, but it's a lot more fun to make out with a fantastic boyfriend you are in a relationship with at home. Don't jeopardize that.
I got crazy drunk with work people last night and let's say we know a lot more about each other than ever!
Totally flameful.... I snooped through my boyfriends phone last week. I had a "good reason" but man I feel shitty for it.
My ex bf texted me last week too and I felt so smug that my life is now so wonderful and he's still in that place. He put me through hell so I'm gonna gloat!
Another flameful... I'm going to Europe and I'm not 100% sure how faithful I'll be. I'm trying so hard to be on my best behaviour but this is gonna be so hard.
Ok, here's my armchair therapist view on this:
You've been in several abusive/shitty relationships. You're still learning what a healthy relationship is. And you're self-sabotaging. Because part of you doesn't think you deserve a healthy relationship.
You have time to dealt with this before you go to Europe. Don't ignore this. Work on it NOW.
I am going to assume that men can have the same problems some women have. I have never had an O during intercourse. I am not sure why, just can't and don't. Ever. I know it bothers some/all of my partners and I eventually end up just faking it (flameful?) because I don't want them to feel like it has anything to do with them. It's just never going to happen. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy, truly, I do.
So, from the other side of this situation, please don't take his inability to "finish" personally. He's already been upfront and knows it's his issue. I bet he thinks the sex is as HOT as you do.
dreamcrisp1, I understand wanting to check your BF's phone. I guess my flameful is that I did that a month or so ago too. I did come clean with my BF and it gave us a good chance to talk through what was bothering me (the fact that he was still in contact from time to time with his ex as friends) and figure out what to do about it. I think snooping is disrespectful, but it's also really hard to fully trust when you've been burned in the past. I don't think for me my insecurities had anything at all to do with my boyfriend/relationship, because everything is great and he's a wonderful and trustworthy person. It comes from me and my own past and issues around that. And yes everyone, I did tell my counselor about this too Anyway, don't do it again but I don't think it means you are a bad person or your relationship is doomed either.
But please don't cheat in Europe. It's fun to make out with a foreigner on vacation, but it's a lot more fun to make out with a fantastic boyfriend you are in a relationship with at home. Don't jeopardize that.
I think people are concerned due to the phone checking AND stating she thinks SHE will cheat. Combined it SCREAMS "I'm not emotionally ready to date." I think if you doubt your ability to be faithful then you, ya know, SHOULDN'T AGREE TO BE FAITHFUL. BUUUUT, having been cheated on, it really chaps my ass for someone to be all "Teehee, it's sooooo hard to go on vacation and not fuck randoms!" Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed fucking randoms, but that fact doesn't mean it is HARD to not cheat on MH. It's called being an adult.
dreamcrisp1, I understand wanting to check your BF's phone. I guess my flameful is that I did that a month or so ago too. I did come clean with my BF and it gave us a good chance to talk through what was bothering me (the fact that he was still in contact from time to time with his ex as friends) and figure out what to do about it. I think snooping is disrespectful, but it's also really hard to fully trust when you've been burned in the past. I don't think for me my insecurities had anything at all to do with my boyfriend/relationship, because everything is great and he's a wonderful and trustworthy person. It comes from me and my own past and issues around that. And yes everyone, I did tell my counselor about this too Anyway, don't do it again but I don't think it means you are a bad person or your relationship is doomed either.
But please don't cheat in Europe. It's fun to make out with a foreigner on vacation, but it's a lot more fun to make out with a fantastic boyfriend you are in a relationship with at home. Don't jeopardize that.
I think people are concerned due to the phone checking AND stating she thinks SHE will cheat. Combined it SCREAMS "I'm not emotionally ready to date." I think if you doubt your ability to be faithful then you, ya know, SHOULDN'T AGREE TO BE FAITHFUL. BUUUUT, having been cheated on, it really chaps my ass for someone to be all "Teehee, it's sooooo hard to go on vacation and not fuck randoms!" Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed fucking randoms, but that fact doesn't mean it is HARD to not cheat on MH. It's called being an adult.
Well, I'm with you 100% on that part. It's not ok to cheat, ever, IMO. I'm sensitive about that for the same reasons. I also know dreamcrisp has said how happy she is in this new relationship so I'd hate to see her mess that up.
Post by jojoandleo on Apr 18, 2014 14:06:00 GMT -5
kitkat, that would hurt my feelers too. rational or not. H was put on some new medicine which affected his ability to finish and I was all, "Oh hell no. We are calling your doctor and fixing this shit now!" Even KNOWING it was the medicine, I still felt like I had lost my ability to be good at sex. It really made me doubt myself. Has he talked to his doctor about it? There may be something medical there.
I have four dates with four different people and am really enjoying talking to three of them. And am attracted to those three (from what's on their profiles)
I am LOLing at the idea that I am cruel. Like, seriously.
I may be snarky as fuck in my head, but it rarely comes out through the keyboard.
Codependency is a hot button issue for me, clearly. With an ex that was super codependent, it makes me hyper aware of it. And to me, it's disgusting. Just like that supposed pile on was disgusting to you.
I'm not codependent. I lived alone or with roommates, single and dating but with no serious boyfriend, in several large cities from ages 18-25 pursuing various degrees. I'm an established professional who makes good money. I do not rely on men or friends to meet my emotional needs. I've literally never needed a man for anything. I am extremely independent and I take care of myself, almost to a fault. I always have, and I always will.
If codependency is disgusting to you, then it's sad that you have such a harsh reaction toward someone who feels lost in life and unable to deal by themselves. And to imply that my life choices are disgusting is again, not very nice.
I thought you were taking your toys and going home because we are all a bunch of bullies?
kitkat, that would hurt my feelers too. rational or not. H was put on some new medicine which affected his ability to finish and I was all, "Oh hell no. We are calling your doctor and fixing this shit now!" Even KNOWING it was the medicine, I still felt like I had lost my ability to be good at sex. It really made me doubt myself. Has he talked to his doctor about it? There may be something medical there.
Post by dreamcrisp1 on Apr 18, 2014 15:18:26 GMT -5
Sorry I was working! I will catch up and respond to y'all. I know it was flameful. I will not cheat. I'm not a cheater and I would break up first. I was just statng what was in my head. I worry about inane things. I did tell my therapist about the phone and I will never do it again! I am a self sabotager for sure but I'm learning (with my bf) how to handle that and not do it. Not defending the craziness of the thought at all! It's a weird thing and my mind works in weird ways.
it might have been mine, there was a "server error" and then it posted twice and while I was deleting the dup I got another server error. Not the error bear, though, it was weird.
I got a serve error when I posted my last post too. And it wasn't the bear either...hrmmm...
kitkat, that would hurt my feelers too. rational or not. H was put on some new medicine which affected his ability to finish and I was all, "Oh hell no. We are calling your doctor and fixing this shit now!" Even KNOWING it was the medicine, I still felt like I had lost my ability to be good at sex. It really made me doubt myself. Has he talked to his doctor about it? There may be something medical there.
I don't think he's talked to a dr. I don't know if it makes a diff but I do finish him with either a bj or hj after sex so he does cum, just not with the actual sex.
Then I don't think this is a medical issue, speaking as a non-doctor who often needs a handjob to get off after sex. I love sex. I love orgasms. They don't always go hand in hand....pun intended?
kitkat1502 I kinda feel you because sometimes the BF can't quite seem to keep his steam during sex and we stop and fool around some more before resuming. My ego sometimes can't handle that and I get hurt that he isn't enjoying sex with me. He reassures me that he does but sometimes it happens and always has for him. I try not to take it personally but damn, it stings!
ETA: and I hate telling him because I don't want to put pressure on him either!
dreamcrisp1 is the fear like omigod I hope I don't do anything stupid to screw this up and get drunk and sleep with someone else which is totally not me at all, but what if it COULD happen? Or more like "Eh I hope an attractive guy doesn't hit on me because I wouldn't be able to turn it down?"
If it's the former, I know where you're coming from. I have a form of OCD where I worry I will do things that are completely irrational like I'll see a story on the news about someone who murders someone and I get really worried I'll accidently do the same thing. Or if I hear about a hit and run I'll worry that maybe I did it even though I wasn't even driving in that area. I realize this makes me sound like a crazy person.
Post by dreamcrisp1 on Apr 18, 2014 18:31:12 GMT -5
Pdx, it's very similar to the former.
I have BPD so irritational thoughts are par for the course. I worry endlessly about the randomest things. My boyfriend knows and he tells me I worry too much for no reason. I also worry about getting kidnaped and sold into sex trafficking, my plane crashing... random things. But those aren't as flameful as this so I didn't post any of that. But just because it's a thought doesn't mean it will happen. Talking it out also makes me realize how irritational and silly it is because I would never jeopardize my relationship. I'm crazy about him! He's wonderful and we're a great couple.
And no I won't be drinking crazy amounts regardless bc I like having too much control in unknown situations. It was simply a thought. And not one I plan to make come true. Sometimes I start at point A and end up at point R in seconds.
But hey! I livened up the board. don't worry! My therapist knows about my incessant worrying and we work on it. And stress exacerbates my bpd and the past weeks have been difficult in that area but I upped my meds!
dreamcrisp1, I think maybe it's the freedom of not being in an abusive relationship that made you think about the trip thing. I can't relate completely when it comes to traveling, but I can relate to going from an abusive relationship to a healthy one. Even though being in a healthy relationship is what everyone wants, you're sort of not used to it. Not because you don't want it, but because being in a fucked up relationship fucks with your head. It can cause trust issues etc....time makes these things better.
I have BPD so irritational thoughts are par for the course. I worry endlessly about the randomest things. My boyfriend knows and he tells me I worry too much for no reason. I also worry about getting kidnaped and sold into sex trafficking, my plane crashing... random things. But those aren't as flameful as this so I didn't post any of that. But just because it's a thought doesn't mean it will happen. Talking it out also makes me realize how irritational and silly it is because I would never jeopardize my relationship. I'm crazy about him! He's wonderful and we're a great couple.
And no I won't be drinking crazy amounts regardless bc I like having too much control in unknown situations. It was simply a thought. And not one I plan to make come true. Sometimes I start at point A and end up at point R in seconds.
But hey! I livened up the board. don't worry! My therapist knows about my incessant worrying and we work on it. And stress exacerbates my bpd and the past weeks have been difficult in that area but I upped my meds!
I totally understand this behavior and thought process bc mine is similar. You say things you don't mean out of just the idea of saying it out loud gets it out of your head so you can focus on the more logical reasoning. It's maddening to people who aren't like us. They plan and sort their thoughts silently when we are very word/feeling vomit in a more public way. I totally get your process. You are not alone.
I have BPD so irritational thoughts are par for the course. I worry endlessly about the randomest things. My boyfriend knows and he tells me I worry too much for no reason. I also worry about getting kidnaped and sold into sex trafficking, my plane crashing... random things. But those aren't as flameful as this so I didn't post any of that. But just because it's a thought doesn't mean it will happen. Talking it out also makes me realize how irritational and silly it is because I would never jeopardize my relationship. I'm crazy about him! He's wonderful and we're a great couple.
And no I won't be drinking crazy amounts regardless bc I like having too much control in unknown situations. It was simply a thought. And not one I plan to make come true. Sometimes I start at point A and end up at point R in seconds.
But hey! I livened up the board. don't worry! My therapist knows about my incessant worrying and we work on it. And stress exacerbates my bpd and the past weeks have been difficult in that area but I upped my meds!
yea that's similar to what I experience I get you. And it's really annoying. I also have to do constant "checking" to quell the anxiety associated with the worry. It's exhausting! Thankfully it's gotten much better.
I'm not sure if this is flameful, but here goes. I'm tired of dealing with my friends drama. She's been dating loser after loser and she got disgusted and went back to the no good guy that she was with last summer. He's still not divorced and has a dead end job, 3 kids and my friend keeps bailing him out financially. She just got back with him and gave him $600 (not the first time, either) because his wife and kids electricity got shut off. She complains and isn't happy, but wtf is she doing??? If you keep making the same shitty choices what do you expect?? I feel like I want to pull back from her because she's just too out there lately.
I'm not sure if this is flameful, but here goes. I'm tired of dealing with my friends drama. She's been dating loser after loser and she got disgusted and went back to the no good guy that she was with last summer. He's still not divorced and has a dead end job, 3 kids and my friend keeps bailing him out financially. She just got back with him and gave him $600 (not the first time, either) because his wife and kids electricity got shut off. She complains and isn't happy, but wtf is she doing??? If you keep making the same shitty choices what do you expect?? I feel like I want to pull back from her because she's just too out there lately.
I had to cut back on a friendship with someone similar. It hurt - but I just can't sit by and watch someone make poor choice after poor choice, trying to suck me into their drama.
I know what you mean. She's not an old friend, but we see each other pretty often because we live in the same complex. She has a good heart and I feel bad for her, but it's just so negative.
I'm in Europe and just in the beginning of a relationship. Not officially boyfriend/girlfriend yet, but I'm starting to consider him my boyfriend. It's my first real relationship post divorce, so we are going slow. A few weeks ago we talked about my trip. I had asked him about it because I wanted to confirm we were on the same page. He basically said to do what I want to do, but he couldn't tell me not to do anything. So I told him I had no intentions of anything happening while I'm here because I'm happy with him and would rather return home to a good situation with him. And he was happy with that answer and said of course he'd be upset/jealous if something had happened.
It's that easy when you want it to be. Hell, within the first 2 weeks of seeing that guy I turned down 2 opportunities. I figured they weren't worth it because I liked the guy I'm seeing.
And to be honest, the shady looking characters far outweigh the decent looking men so far.
I just want to state for the record that I think the constant Liu bashing and pile-ons are cruel and are absolutely disgusting. She is obviously doing the best she can. Anyone who feels the need to lash out at her should take a hard look in the mirror and ask themselves why they get pleasure out of kicking someone when they're down.
You have no idea what kind of a mother she is. Great people can be terrible parents and highly flawed people can do just fine at it. What a fucking disgusting accusation to make. My stomach actually hurts from reading that vitriol.
I'm done with SO. This place is just terrible. I can't tolerate the unkind behavior. You ladies are fucking bullies.
This probably really is the most flameful thing I'll ever say on here (I hope, anyway): I am thinking about taking a break from here because there is a poster who I cannot separate from my personal life; as in, she reminds me too much of a person who had a really negative influence on me and I get irrationally irritated when posters interact with her. I understand that my issue stems from something in my life, but I find myself almost on the verge of upset when I see advice or "support" dished out toward this poster because it's innocently one-sided with good intentions without a real understanding of what it's like to deal with that type of person. I've tried to use the block function, but it sucks.
I know this will be thinly veiled for some of you who might know me better, but hey, it's fffc, right?...
Don't leave because of her, just remove yourself from the drama. Plenty of us have done it. You can too. Most people here don't feed into it, some do but they can be ignored as well. It really isn't that hard and it makes it for a much more pleasurable place.