I wouldn't bat an eye unless they left a mess or neglected the kid or something. I wouldn't like strangers coming over but my ILs have good judgement. If they did me the favor of babysitting I know they would probably only have SIL or close friends over.
Actually, thinking on it, we traveled last fall without the kids. MIL had SIL and nephew come over for a play date and dinner. She didn't run it by me before hand but she didn't try to hide it either.
With the rearranging -- are you sure she didn't break or stain something and try to cover it up? The rearranging of my stuff would be the most irritating point of all to me.
BIL just texted me an apology because apparently MIL texted him asking him to take down the FB picture and he realized what happened.
I'm honestly not really upset (not even over the scotch, if they'd asked we'd have told them to help themselves anyway) at the specifics. I just find the combination of initial etiquette breach with the secret squirrel crap to be the unsettling bit. Like why lie or try to hide it?
BIL just texted me an apology because apparently MIL texted him asking him to take down the FB picture and he realized what happened.
I'm honestly not really upset (not even over the scotch, if they'd asked we'd have told them to help themselves anyway) at the specifics. I just find the combination of initial etiquette breach with the secret squirrel crap to be the unsettling bit. Like why lie or try to hide it?
wtf, why does he need to take the picture down? she is really serious about keeping you guys in the dark.
BIL just texted me an apology because apparently MIL texted him asking him to take down the FB picture and he realized what happened.
I'm honestly not really upset (not even over the scotch, if they'd asked we'd have told them to help themselves anyway) at the specifics. I just find the combination of initial etiquette breach with the secret squirrel crap to be the unsettling bit. Like why lie or try to hide it?
That is the weird part. Especially that she's still putting energy into keeping you from finding out.
BIL just texted me an apology because apparently MIL texted him asking him to take down the FB picture and he realized what happened.
I'm honestly not really upset (not even over the scotch, if they'd asked we'd have told them to help themselves anyway) at the specifics. I just find the combination of initial etiquette breach with the secret squirrel crap to be the unsettling bit. Like why lie or try to hide it?
That is the weird part. Especially that she's still putting energy into keeping you from finding out.
Yeah, this would weird me out. She feels like she's done something "wrong" by having them over, and is trying to keep it a secret from you. Which makes me think maybe more went on that you don't know about (like she stained the rug and moved the furniture to hide it, or whatever).
If it were me, I'd do something passive aggressive and say something to her like, "Hey, cute pic that Joey posted with the baby from this weekend. I wonder why he took it down?" In a totally innocent (not even "bright") tone. But enough to let her know that you know they had people over (whether you decide to care or not). If this bothers your H, then he should talk to your MIL about it.
With the rearranging -- are you sure she didn't break or stain something and try to cover it up? The rearranging of my stuff would be the most irritating point of all to me.
She keeps her houses like museum quality so most of what she does I interpret as her trying to make our place "better". She doesn't cook so she doesn't get why I hate having a bunch of stuff on my counters, or she moved the dining table because it looked better in the light a certain way. She started to rearrange our bedroom but I think she ran into our sex toys and that put the kabosh on that. I guess that should piss me off but I'm like don't snoop if you don't want to find a sex toy, not my problem!
Post by mrsukyankee on Jul 14, 2014 2:19:46 GMT -5
I'd be more pissed off that they might have been drinking heavily while watching my kids. I wouldn't be too happy about them also as having people over without asking. That's like the teenager babysitting and inviting her boyfriend over w/o asking. Wrong.
I would not be breezy about this. I am very cautious about who I invite in to my space and about having people there when I am not.
Completely this! I hate people at my house and this would piss me off.
Sometimes my mom will be like oh I'm babysitting your brother's kids, why don't you come over? Ummm, no, why don't you stop inviting people to other people's houses! I have no clue if my bro would mind, I just hate that because I know it means she would do it here.
I've not had an overnight babysitter but one time, and my oldest is 15.
Once or twice he has stayed at my moms. Since the girls have been born we haven't done over night away.
I'm sorry this happened. It doesn't matter to me that it was family over, (and some non family but friends). I would be wicked pissed. I'm sorry this happened.
With the rearranging -- are you sure she didn't break or stain something and try to cover it up? The rearranging of my stuff would be the most irritating point of all to me.
She keeps her houses like museum quality so most of what she does I interpret as her trying to make our place "better". She doesn't cook so she doesn't get why I hate having a bunch of stuff on my counters, or she moved the dining table because it looked better in the light a certain way. She started to rearrange our bedroom but I think she ran into our sex toys and that put the kabosh on that. I guess that should piss me off but I'm like don't snoop if you don't want to find a sex toy, not my problem!
Your MIL is a strange, awkward woman.
I'm guessing you probably know this already.
Who rearranges someone else's master bedroom furniture???
With the rearranging -- are you sure she didn't break or stain something and try to cover it up? The rearranging of my stuff would be the most irritating point of all to me.
She keeps her houses like museum quality so most of what she does I interpret as her trying to make our place "better". She doesn't cook so she doesn't get why I hate having a bunch of stuff on my counters, or she moved the dining table because it looked better in the light a certain way. She started to rearrange our bedroom but I think she ran into our sex toys and that put the kabosh on that. I guess that should piss me off but I'm like don't snoop if you don't want to find a sex toy, not my problem!
Ewwwwww. Ok this is obnoxious. How nervy and presumptuous !
Post by dragonfly08 on Jul 14, 2014 6:53:14 GMT -5
If my parents or ILs were in the house watching my kids, and invited my sister or one of DHs sibs and their SOs, that's NBD to me. Those people are welcome in my house whenever. Random friends I don't know, or even extended family who wouldn't normally be my own guests, would be a different story. The hiding it part does seem strange and something I'd look out for in the future since I couldn't trust someone watching my kid if I thought they were keeping things from me about the time I was away.
As for the scotch/booze/etc., my guests are welcome to whatever I have available especially if they're doing me a favor. If it mattered that much, I'd have specifically said please don't drink it or, more likely, just put it away where it wouldn't be found by anyone looking for a drink/snack.
Rearranging my furniture and stuff would piss me off under any circumstances, but it sounds like that wasn't unexpected, so the ILs were asked over to babysit with that already a known possibility.
Ehhh I'd find it werid if my dad called my sister to see if I could come over. But every family's different, we have that stop by whenever type of deal. I just can't picture her husband getting upset I'm there unless there's some back story of a stressed relationship.
Eta: just realized it was more then bil, but again depends on the people. My family know all my friends back home and it wouldn't be werid for me to stop by with my friends because we all know and trust each other.
Yeah, my ILs invite my SIL over every time they come over to babysit since she lives in the same area as us which is two hours from them. That doesn't bother me, but inviting over other randoms is kind of weird. Although obviously the rearranging stuff is the weirdest part. It would make me want to rearrange stuff in their guest room next time I stayed over.
I think the rearranging things would bother me more than them having people over, but I still think it's really weird they didn't mention it, even in passing.
You and your DH absolutely need to call her out on her bad behavior.
I know MANY people are all "your mom, your problem" types, meaning OP's DH should deal with it, but it was OP's house AND kiddo being watched. Add in the fact that MIL has a very "keep my house Museum Quality while YOU are a guest" mentality....
MIL does not get out of jail free on this instance. She needs to STOP rearranging your home (OMG, HULK SMASH) and she absolutely needs to come clean on EVERY person who she invited to your home while you weren't there. She's not a teenager whose parents left her home alone so she had a 'little get together' with some friends and tried to clean it up before the 'rents got home. You left her in charge of your house and your child. She needs to know her actions then and ESPECIALLY the subsequent hiding/secrecy is NOT COOL.
My MIL has not been in our apartment in more than two years, and won't be allowed in any time soon, so perhaps my perspective is skewed.
I would not be ok with my MIL hiding that she invited people over. It wouldn't bother me that she had people over, but I would be furious that she tried to hide it.
And the rearranging furniture and commenting on how our apt isn't decorated correctly? That's why my MIL isn't invited to our home.
Well, my H was about as pissed as I expected. I tried to calm him down and he was basically like " I know you like to keep the peace but I am so over this" and called her up and shit went down.
She said we have no right to be annoyed at her moving our things because it makes her more comfortable as our guest and hospitality demands it. He was like well that's a bunch of hypocritical bs, you let my sisters spread their crap from one end of your home to the other but fully expect Nerdicorn to not only keep everything of hers in her room but to actively participate in keeping your place pristine. She was exhausted from an all nighter with P and you made her clean the guest bathroom that had been used by like 16 people that weekend for fucks sake!"
Mil didn't like that and said we could stay in a hotel if we didn't like it, H said he sees no reason for us to even visit.
Now she left a message begging me to not deny her her grandson.
Post by cinnamoncox on Jul 14, 2014 10:00:25 GMT -5
Yikes! Sounds like she's nuts and it's not worth trying to reason with crazy.
Invite them over but I'd refrain from asking them to babysit for awhile, long term like overnights. She has boundary issues and moving furniture at someone's house to be more comfortable is weird. I mean, moving a living room chair to face the tv, normal. Rearranging bureaus and dining room sets, nutty.
She said we have no right to be annoyed at her moving our things because it makes her more comfortable as our guest and hospitality demands it.
^o)
That's beyond crazy. And really- I 'd follow your DHs lead on this. His mom/ his call. This is beyond "keeping the peace". really- it is. For her to actually think it's her RIGHT as a guest to rearrange your furniture - there are no words. you know hell would be paid if you DARED to do that to her home.
And her call to you? This is a time to set very firm boundaries. She wants access to your son? Then she needs to RESPECT you and your home - which means no moving furniture around!!!!
This is why I take the path of least resistance usually, lol. If they don't make up in a few days I'll get involved and try to smooth things out but sweet Jesus if his family isn't weird at times. My H has been fighting with her over boundaries since he was little.
He was like well that's a bunch of hypocritical bs, you let my sisters spread their crap from one end of your home to the other but fully expect Nerdicorn to not only keep everything of hers in her room but to actively participate in keeping your place pristine. She was exhausted from an all nighter with P and you made her clean the guest bathroom that had been used by like 16 people that weekend for fucks sake!"
What does this even have to do with anything? I get that you two were upset, but throwing this petty shit into the mix was obviously going to accomplish nothing other than make her get defensive.
It worked.
There must be more history here that we are not aware of.
He was like well that's a bunch of hypocritical bs, you let my sisters spread their crap from one end of your home to the other but fully expect Nerdicorn to not only keep everything of hers in her room but to actively participate in keeping your place pristine. She was exhausted from an all nighter with P and you made her clean the guest bathroom that had been used by like 16 people that weekend for fucks sake!"
What does this even have to do with anything? I get that you two were upset, but throwing this petty shit into the mix was obviously going to accomplish nothing other than make her get defensive.
This was the cherry on top of a mountain of other things that bothered him, so in calling out her hypocrisy he put it all out on the floor. I agree though that it probably just served to make her defensive but meh, his mom, his choice.