I must be a total weirdo because I wouldn't care if they had a few people over - especially a few close family or friends - while they were doing me the favor of babysitting my kids, so that we could enjoy a few carefree days together. Mi casa es su casa. Just make sure the place is presentable and clean your shit up before you leave.
Edit - clearly I have not read the entire thread. The above is only true for people who are not a pain in my ass.
The problem that I would have is that there's a history and your MIL is a nutbag. The moving furniture and going through your stuff is the tipping point and the secrecy is the breaking point. The bathroom? Waaaaay out in left field, not even in the ballpark.
I'd be pissed about the rearranging. Family coming over, not so much. But I could see where it would bother someone else.
Same here. I have no issues on the inviting family over, but you don't move my furniture. I spend the first half hour after the cleaning lady leaves putting everything exactly the way it was because she moves it a bit when she vacuums and it drives me nuts that it isn't perfectly arranged.
I'd be pissed about the rearranging. Family coming over, not so much. But I could see where it would bother someone else.
Same here. I have no issues on the inviting family over, but you don't move my furniture. I spend the first half hour after the cleaning lady leaves putting everything exactly the way it was because she moves it a bit when she vacuums and it drives me nuts that it isn't perfectly arranged.
I don't care about inviting family or even mutual friends over (my mom and sis had my other sis and niece, grandma, and a family friend that has babysat DD before when DH and I were OOT, totally cool with me, don't care at all) but I would definitely be bothered by them having randoms over with my child there.
This is why I take the path of least resistance usually, lol. If they don't make up in a few days I'll get involved and try to smooth things out but sweet Jesus if his family isn't weird at times. My H has been fighting with her over boundaries since he was little.
You need to stop doing this. It's your Hs mom and family let him deal/handle/fight with them how he wants. I tried and tried with my MIL and I should have listened to my H from the start. Our relationship will never be repaired or fixed. Just recently we got into a screaming match on the phone which ended with her calling me some nasty names. The history is theirs, you trying to fix it will just blow up in your face one day.
This is why I take the path of least resistance usually, lol. If they don't make up in a few days I'll get involved and try to smooth things out but sweet Jesus if his family isn't weird at times. My H has been fighting with her over boundaries since he was little.
You need to stop doing this. It's your Hs mom and family let him deal/handle/fight with them how he wants. I tried and tried with my MIL and I should have listened to my H from the start. Our relationship will never be repaired or fixed. Just recently we got into a screaming match on the phone which ended with her calling me some nasty names. The history is theirs, you trying to fix it will just blow up in your face one day.
100% agree. This really isn't your fight to fight. Let your DH handle it. Follow his lead. Stop trying to "keep the peace". HIS mom is a nutjob. You don't have to appease her. you really, really don't.
And a note about boundaries - they aren't about getting her to follow them. They are about you all setting them and enforcing them. As in you tell her "don't rearrange our furniture". It isn't about her then rearranging it and you all throwing up your hands wondering why she won't follow your boundary. It's about you saying "don't do it or ____" and establish a consequence. She won't be invited over again, for example. Then you know what you do? Yo udon't invite her over for a long while to drive home the point.
People who need boundaries- what it's really about is treating them like kids. Because normal people don't need boundaries and you can treat them like adults. She doesn't act like an adult so she doesn't get treated like one. You don't even need to tell her the boundary. People who just show up w/o calling first? You don't have to tell them to call. When they show up, you just say "Sorry - we're busy. You can't come in.". Boundary that you all decided on . They don't need to agree and they really don't even need to know about it.
Wouldn't bug me. It's family, you love BIL so I'm not sure the issue.
I thought everyone was going to get upset they went on a bender while watching the baby. Lol.
I agree with this. If my Mom was over watching my kids and my sister came over that would not bother me one bit nor would I think that is strange. If she threw a party where a bunch of people were over drinking I would not be happy about that.
You need to stop doing this. It's your Hs mom and family let him deal/handle/fight with them how he wants. I tried and tried with my MIL and I should have listened to my H from the start. Our relationship will never be repaired or fixed. Just recently we got into a screaming match on the phone which ended with her calling me some nasty names. The history is theirs, you trying to fix it will just blow up in your face one day.
100% agree. This really isn't your fight to fight. Let your DH handle it. Follow his lead. Stop trying to "keep the peace". HIS mom is a nutjob. You don't have to appease her. you really, really don't.
And a note about boundaries - they aren't about getting her to follow them. They are about you all setting them and enforcing them. As in you tell her "don't rearrange our furniture". It isn't about her then rearranging it and you all throwing up your hands wondering why she won't follow your boundary. It's about you saying "don't do it or ____" and establish a consequence. She won't be invited over again, for example. Then you know what you do? Yo udon't invite her over for a long while to drive home the point.
People who need boundaries- what it's really about is treating them like kids. Because normal people don't need boundaries and you can treat them like adults. She doesn't act like an adult so she doesn't get treated like one. You don't even need to tell her the boundary. People who just show up w/o calling first? You don't have to tell them to call. When they show up, you just say "Sorry - we're busy. You can't come in.". Boundary that you all decided on . They don't need to agree and they really don't even need to know about it.
I feel like I needed this. I feel weird treating them as I would a child but I get that the situation calls for it.
I crave so much to recreate the loving family I didn't have that I let them be shitty under the guise of normal. That's my own shit to deal with but I'm seeing that in my quest to not pass on my trauma maybe I'm free reign exposing him to bad things via his grandparents. H is being super sympathetic but it's weird this is harder on me right? He's like "Eff her, follow the rules or go away" and I'm worrying about keeping nice. I feel like a schmuck.
Wait, what? She made you clean a bathroom at her house? I need to hear this story.
I vote you cut her off completely. Honestly, she sounds unstable.
Yeah.. The baby had a rough night and I was up with him every half hour on the Monday after the weekend of the 4th of July. He finally went down for a solid nap around 9 am so I left to get coffee from the kitchen. My H had returned to our house to work on some home renovation stuff and MIL convinced us to stay behind, so it was just MIL, FIL, P, and myself. MIL asked how my morning was, I told her I was exhausted from being awake at 2:30am, she was like "oh that sucks. By the way the guest bathroom needs to be cleaned." I was like uh.... Ok how about after I take a nap? Well, I laid down and she knocked on the door to ask me if I wanted more coffee later (lol I don't believe her) waking up the baby, and was like "here I'll take care of the baby and since you're awake you can take care of the bathroom!"
I thought it was weird and rude but it was a deer in headlights thing and I was desperate for her to fuck off so I did it.
Good God typing this out is making me see more clearly how nutty she is.
You need to stop doing this. It's your Hs mom and family let him deal/handle/fight with them how he wants. I tried and tried with my MIL and I should have listened to my H from the start. Our relationship will never be repaired or fixed. Just recently we got into a screaming match on the phone which ended with her calling me some nasty names. The history is theirs, you trying to fix it will just blow up in your face one day.
100% agree. This really isn't your fight to fight. Let your DH handle it. Follow his lead. Stop trying to "keep the peace". HIS mom is a nutjob. You don't have to appease her. you really, really don't.
And a note about boundaries - they aren't about getting her to follow them. They are about you all setting them and enforcing them. As in you tell her "don't rearrange our furniture". It isn't about her then rearranging it and you all throwing up your hands wondering why she won't follow your boundary. It's about you saying "don't do it or ____" and establish a consequence. She won't be invited over again, for example. Then you know what you do? Yo udon't invite her over for a long while to drive home the point.
People who need boundaries- what it's really about is treating them like kids. Because normal people don't need boundaries and you can treat them like adults. She doesn't act like an adult so she doesn't get treated like one. You don't even need to tell her the boundary. People who just show up w/o calling first? You don't have to tell them to call. When they show up, you just say "Sorry - we're busy. You can't come in.". Boundary that you all decided on . They don't need to agree and they really don't even need to know about it.
Totally agree with this. My own mother would come over and immediately ask for cleaning products. Um thanks. I told her to knock it off & that she's not allowed to stop by unannounced anymore. And it was a long time before she was invited back. She finally got it and to this day, will not stop by unannounced. Funny thing is, if my Hs parents lived in town, I'd have no problem with them stopping by.
I crave so much to recreate the loving family I didn't have that I let them be shitty under the guise of normal. That's my own shit to deal with but I'm seeing that in my quest to not pass on my trauma maybe I'm free reign exposing him to bad things via his grandparents. H is being super sympathetic but it's weird this is harder on me right? He's like "Eff her, follow the rules or go away" and I'm worrying about keeping nice. I feel like a schmuck.
I can't stress this enough - blood doesn't make a family. It really doesn't. Find people who are genuine and who are normal to fill these roles for you. Don't force a square peg into a round hole just because your MIL holds the title of "grandmother".
While my step mother is technically in the "grandmother" role, I'll still share this - she never had kids of her own. At one point after I got PG, she had thoughts of "how will I feel about this child" since there is no blood tie. But you want to know something? The love she has for my DS goes beyond anything she expected and they have just an amazing relationship. Amazing.
My MIL, who IS blood related, barely takes any interest in DS.
After that phone call 100% team husband. Actually, I vote you cut them out completely, but failing that, I love that he has your back. Go H!
Yeah, it's always kind of nice when someone posts with a genuine IL problem rather than a DH problem. I would be fanning his rage fire like a horrible person.