There is history. His parents treat him and us way differently from his siblings and as a result we have a somewhat emotionally distant relationship with them and are pretty independent of them. When they start involving themselves in our life they tend to revert to acting like authoritarian parents dealing with a 7 year old and not a grown responsible son. I get why my H is over it because it bothers me to see it but for my own sanity I let him handle it. I think his mom and I fighting on top of his own issues with her would just be an unfair amount of parental stress for him.
I don't think this is weird or a big deal. At all. ??
Im here. I wouldn't give it a second thought. I mean if they invited out of town friends to come over and had a party that's different. As I said the weird part is that they were secretive about it.
Wondering do you usually have issues with them and that is why they felt they couldn't tell you.
And why would your husband go "apeshit" over his brother coming for a visit.
What does this even have to do with anything? I get that you two were upset, but throwing this petty shit into the mix was obviously going to accomplish nothing other than make her get defensive.
This was the cherry on top of a mountain of other things that bothered him, so in calling out her hypocrisy he put it all out on the floor. I agree though that it probably just served to make her defensive but meh, his mom, his choice.
NO. WAY.
She told you to clean the guest bathroom because YOU had used while you were a guest in her home???
DONE. Drop the rope. And away you go.
I would NEVER tell anyone who does not reside under my roof 100% of the time, that they had used the bathroom in my home, therefore they needed to clean it. AYFKM? NO NO NO.
They offered and we've been trying to let them in more for our son's sake. My mom died when I was very little and my dad is across the country so I do care that P get at least a shot at having a grandparent relationship. It's not like we shipped our baby to them for a week, and we'd have been perfectly content with our original plan of having a hired caregiver stay with him for the overnight. I'm not sure why taking them up on a babysitting offer suddenly negates our previous history?
I agree we probably need to stop hoping they change, but it's not like H wasn't speaking with his parents, we just only spent time with them in small, controlled doses.
Post by cinnamoncox on Jul 14, 2014 10:30:59 GMT -5
I think there's something weird about inviting someone over to someone else's house, regardless of the relationship. One never knows what's going on behind closed doors, so to speak, and I think it's in poor form to do that. The fact that they were secretive shows that they also think/know it's atypical, otherwise why not say hey bil, his bf, and a friend came over and we drank all of your scotch while you were away, so much fun, right?
I know some families this wouldn't be a big deal, but obviously they knew it wasn't the right think to do or else they would've mentioned it before hand.
And she is a guest so she can rearrange the furniture, but Nerd isn't enough of a guest in mil's house that she needn't be made to clean a bathroom?
Post by wildfloweragain on Jul 14, 2014 10:37:03 GMT -5
This would flip me out. MIL used to invite the whole family over if she sat for us. It bothered me because I want control over who is here, also it is not ever clean when she is here because she trashes it. She would never involve alcohol, though.
Yeah, that's definitely crossing some boundaries. Regardless of who it is, they should have let you know, especially since they were watching your kids and there was alcohol involved.
Kevin is right. You can't expect them to change. But you know you can change how you treat them, how you accept their treatment of you, and how much they are in your lives. You have control here. It still sucks and I'm sorry it's come to this.
If you keep them in your lives, I would say that lady definitely needs to be called out on her BS and at the time that it's happening.
My h also has a very short fuse for his mother's shenanigans so I get that. Sounds like you guys were testing the water for getting more involved with them and it's not working out so well. Is this the first grandchild?
This wouldn't bother me. When I've had people dog sit before I've told them to treat the place as their own and feel free to do whatever they'd normally do at their own home at my house, including having people over to hang out with if they'd like. I think my friend who dog sat in May had her BF/mom over quite a bit while I was gone and even babysat our friend's kid at my house (which I was less thrilled about just because my house isn't child proof, but nothing happened so NBD).
I wouldn't have someone in my home whose judgement I didn't trust and who I thought wouldn't look out for my place as their own. I absolutely trust my parents not to invite anyone over who would harm my home in any way, so I really don't care.
This has happened on more than one occasion with my in-laws. It is why we don't really trust them to sit for any length of time anymore. We came home early one day to find my mil with DS in his room while FIL and another couple were in our kitchen getting drunk. Not cool. It pissed me off like crazy.
Another time MiL was going to be watching DS in the middle of the day while I worked and school was closed. I changed the time to later in the day and she got pissed because she had already made lunch for her friend who was going to be coming over. I wouldn't have even known about this otherwise.
They babysit very infrequently for us now, and we are only ok with it because FIL is undergoing chemo and not drinking. So no parties at our house at the current time. they've probably babysat for us a total of 10 times or less in the last 4 years.
Since there's a history of poor behavior with MIL, I completely understand why your DH would give her the "what for". I would have done the same thing if it'd been my mom.
From this day forward, I would chalk this up as a lesson learned and not invite the IL's to house to babysit again, and I'd stay in a hotel and not stay with IL's next time I needed a place to stay.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Your MIL sounds like a nut. Especially with the rearranging furniture and making you clean her bathroom. I don't think I would let them watch your son overnight again after all this. I would def feel violated with someone going through my things.
Wait, what? She made you clean a bathroom at her house? I need to hear this story.
I vote you cut her off completely. Honestly, she sounds unstable.
Yeah.. The baby had a rough night and I was up with him every half hour on the Monday after the weekend of the 4th of July. He finally went down for a solid nap around 9 am so I left to get coffee from the kitchen. My H had returned to our house to work on some home renovation stuff and MIL convinced us to stay behind, so it was just MIL, FIL, P, and myself. MIL asked how my morning was, I told her I was exhausted from being awake at 2:30am, she was like "oh that sucks. By the way the guest bathroom needs to be cleaned." I was like uh.... Ok how about after I take a nap? Well, I laid down and she knocked on the door to ask me if I wanted more coffee later (lol I don't believe her) waking up the baby, and was like "here I'll take care of the baby and since you're awake you can take care of the bathroom!"
I thought it was weird and rude but it was a deer in headlights thing and I was desperate for her to fuck off so I did it.
Good God typing this out is making me see more clearly how nutty she is.
Wait, what? She made you clean a bathroom at her house? I need to hear this story.
I vote you cut her off completely. Honestly, she sounds unstable.
Yeah.. The baby had a rough night and I was up with him every half hour on the Monday after the weekend of the 4th of July. He finally went down for a solid nap around 9 am so I left to get coffee from the kitchen. My H had returned to our house to work on some home renovation stuff and MIL convinced us to stay behind, so it was just MIL, FIL, P, and myself. MIL asked how my morning was, I told her I was exhausted from being awake at 2:30am, she was like "oh that sucks. By the way the guest bathroom needs to be cleaned." I was like uh.... Ok how about after I take a nap? Well, I laid down and she knocked on the door to ask me if I wanted more coffee later (lol I don't believe her) waking up the baby, and was like "here I'll take care of the baby and since you're awake you can take care of the bathroom!"
I thought it was weird and rude but it was a deer in headlights thing and I was desperate for her to fuck off so I did it.
Good God typing this out is making me see more clearly how nutty she is.
There are not enough emoticons in the world for how WTF this is.
Also it's not like I did something unholy or bad to the bathroom, in which case I'd have cleaned up after myself no problem.
My trust in my own sense of what's "normal" is seriously wonky in family matters because mine is so dysfunctional. I've been thinking we need to reevaluate but then feel like maybe I'm being a bitch. It's good to know I'm not totally out there.
Wait, what? She made you clean a bathroom at her house? I need to hear this story.
I vote you cut her off completely. Honestly, she sounds unstable.
Yeah.. The baby had a rough night and I was up with him every half hour on the Monday after the weekend of the 4th of July. He finally went down for a solid nap around 9 am so I left to get coffee from the kitchen. My H had returned to our house to work on some home renovation stuff and MIL convinced us to stay behind, so it was just MIL, FIL, P, and myself. MIL asked how my morning was, I told her I was exhausted from being awake at 2:30am, she was like "oh that sucks. By the way the guest bathroom needs to be cleaned." I was like uh.... Ok how about after I take a nap? Well, I laid down and she knocked on the door to ask me if I wanted more coffee later (lol I don't believe her) waking up the baby, and was like "here I'll take care of the baby and since you're awake you can take care of the bathroom!"
I thought it was weird and rude but it was a deer in headlights thing and I was desperate for her to fuck off so I did it.
Good God typing this out is making me see more clearly how nutty she is.
My trust in my own sense of what's "normal" is seriously wonky in family matters because mine is so dysfunctional.
Let me help you: Parents don't rearrange YOUR house so THEY are more comfortable. Parents don't ask their son's wives to clean the bathroom. Parents don't hide the fact that they had people over to YOUR house while they dog/house/kid sit.
I think you need to rethink this desire to have "a" grandparent in your child's life. Your child can have many fulfilling relationships with people who aren't blood and who aren't crazy.
It's 4 pages deep on this thread, so I'm a little late in all of this. In my situation I wouldn't be annoyed because I know my BIL. I would chalk it up to they forgot to mention it. Now if it was someone who I barely knew or they were complete strangers....oh I would be pissed.
My trust in my own sense of what's "normal" is seriously wonky in family matters because mine is so dysfunctional.
Let me help you: Parents don't rearrange YOUR house so THEY are more comfortable. Parents don't ask their son's wives to clean the bathroom. Parents don't hide the fact that they had people over to YOUR house while they dog/house/kid sit.
You're welcome.
Sometimes I need sense bitch slapped into me so thanks for that, lol
If it was JUST BIL I probably wouldn't care but if it was several people I would be upset. We always tell MIL when she stays at our place that BIL/SIL are for no reason to be in our house while we are gone. That is only because they have stolen from almost everyone in the family and we don't want them anywhere near our stuff while we are gone.
I wouldn't be annoyed about the BIL thing. However, rearranging furniture? No. Even if she were an interior designer, you don't just fuck with someone's shit. And cleaning the guest bath? I mean, I would never ask a guest to clean something, anything.
omfg I just caught up on all of the updates. You're right that your perception of what a normal relationship should be like is waaaay off - and this is not it. She is insane, and I'm with your DH - you don't need to visit her if she's going to be that big of an asshole to you. I don't even really get why you want your DS to have a relationship with someone like this. Find a nice older person who will dote on him and have them be his surrogate grandparent instead.
I think it's weird that they didn't say anything to you.
When MIL house sits for us she usually asks if SIL and her kids can be over while we are gone. Which we have no problem with. BUT it would bug me of she did to say anything to either DH or I.