Also, $15K does not guarantee them a baby. It is just a shot at a baby. I can't fathom spending that much money and having NOTHING to show for it.
Personally, I think it takes a lot of courage to put their story out there and it kind of sucks that people are so judgmental of them.
This!
I was lucky enough to have insurance coverage for IVF. Once we got to the donor egg stage, insurance covered very little. Cost would have been about $15,000 out of pocket with a 50/50 shot. We had the money, but I did not want to put that kind of money down on the fucking roulette wheel. Even if they have the money or could save it, I get not wanting to risk that kind of money.
For the record, I found a guarantee program which was twice the cost, but we got our money back if it didn't work. (It didn't). So, maybe they could find a guarantee program.
And for the couple of posters who said they could adopt, that costs as much or more than an IVF cycle.
I am going to back out of this thread now as it is just going to make me angry.
I'm sorry that you're angry but if you'll note, none of this is what this couple said. They didn't say, look, we don't want to downsize our lifestyle because IVF's odds are low and we don't feel comfortable with those odds. Had they indicated any of that, I would have had a much different response. The entire crux of their argument isn't that IVF costs too much, that the odds are not exactly favorable, that they don't feel financially stable, it's that the economy in and of itself is standing in the way of them having a baby and it's not fair.
nope. I saw a good diagram about this the other day, let me find. ETA -
That chart is weird.
I'm blue eyed.
My H is brown.
DD is ....hazel, more green than anything!
That chart seems awful simplistic if not probably racist lol. I don't think it takes into account genetic make up. Because I would be willing to lay down odds that if one parent has brown eyes because they are Asian, that baby's odds of inheriting daddy's baby blues just dropped.
I definitely do judge the fact that they've bought baby shit instead of using that money towards IVF.
I do not judge them for being upset that IVF costs a lot of money. I understand why it does but it is a darn shame that IVF is out of reach for many families willing to go that route for a child or children. We make decent money but it would take a long time for us to come up with $15,000 for IVF.
But don't worry, I do judge them for other reasons so I'm not here to be a Debbie Downer lol.
You mean, bought baby shit while they were in the middle of IUI treatments?
Have you dealt with IF? It's a nightmare. I bought baby shit during my numerous failed cycles. I wanted to be optimistic it would work, because the alternative was soul crushing.
Really, the overwhelming opinion here is that IF isn't sympathetic. Didn't you dream about what your children with your DH would look like? You just didn't have an article written about you so that everyone could judge you on the internet.
I was kind of thinking this too. How much can the odd onsie cost? I doubt a few baby clothes purchases really puts that big of a dent in their ability to fund ivf. As for their income, I haven't read the article, but I'm assuming that they have a mortgage payment. They might have SL debt. Most people don't going into the process of ttc with the thought that they'll have to put 15k down first. Many people can afford the ongoing cost of caring for a baby without being able to pay for the initial cost of ivf. It really ought to be covered by insurance IMO.
“What if we never have children?” Melissa asks her husband as they sit at the kitchen table. “What are we going to do, go on vacation all the time?”
I feel very sorry for people who can't have the family they envisioned, but this sort of makes me want to throw things.
I didn't read the actual article, but this quote is our plan for life. It sounds fabulous!
(I absolutely get that there is a difference between us and our child-free choice than for the many people who struggle to have children and I do not mean to be insensitive.)
My only point is people need to stop hating on her because she sees her future kids as blue eyed based on genetic predispositions. We all did this when we imagined our future kids! It doesn't have any deeper meaning!
That chart seems awful simplistic if not probably racist lol. I don't think it takes into account genetic make up. Because I would be willing to lay down odds that if one parent has brown eyes because they are Asian, that baby's odds of inheriting daddy's baby blues just dropped.
Yup, because Asian Mommy is homozygous brown, which means she's passing down brown no matter what and that's going to dominate Dad's Blues.
Can I just keep peppering genetics lessons in here to piss off major?
And re the blue eyed stuff. Don't read too much into that. Everyone has visions of what their future children will look like. If she and her husband are both blue eyed it's not silly of her to see her future children as blue eyed too. (Doesn't mean she will get them!)
Yeah, my husband has blue eyes and I have greenish-brown eyes (my grandparents had blue, brown, brown and hazel eyes, my dad has brown, my mom has green). So I've wondered before what color our future children might have, because frankly, I have no clue what it will be.
I would love a little redheaded kid, but my husband is from a family that is entirely brunette, so I don't see that one happening!
My only point is people need to stop hating on her because she sees her future kids as blue eyed based on genetic predispositions. We all did this when we imagined our future kids! It doesn't have any deeper meaning!
I wanted a red head. Dd teased me for a few months where her hair started to go red. But alas I have one blonde and one brown head.
That chart seems awful simplistic if not probably racist lol. I don't think it takes into account genetic make up. Because I would be willing to lay down odds that if one parent has brown eyes because they are Asian, that baby's odds of inheriting daddy's baby blues just dropped.
Yup, because Asian Mommy is PROBABLY homozygous brown, which means she's passing down brown no matter what and that's going to dominate Dad's Blues.
Can I just keep peppering genetics lessons in here to piss off major?
Colonialisim makes some traits pop up at the oddest time. Like asian girlfriend with a natural curl pattern similar to mine and no one to point to on either side of the family.
Yup, because Asian Mommy is PROBABLY homozygous brown, which means she's passing down brown no matter what and that's going to dominate Dad's Blues.
Can I just keep peppering genetics lessons in here to piss off major?
Colonialisim makes some traits pop up at the oddest time. Like asian girlfriend with a natural curl pattern similar to mine and no one to point to on either side of the family.
Hey now, there are Asians with Asian curl, you just stop that now lol. Totally depends on what kind of Asian. Wow, could I have phrased that anymore like an asshole?
Post by 2curlydogs on Jul 22, 2014 13:39:02 GMT -5
I feel bad for this couple. Yes, the wife made a few assy-esque statements ("ohnoes! We'll just have to travel!") but, in large, they're in a difficult place. HeyJude nailed it.
Also, tangental, H has brown eyes, I have green eyes. Both our boys have blue eyes.
My only point is people need to stop hating on her because she sees her future kids as blue eyed based on genetic predispositions. We all did this when we imagined our future kids! It doesn't have any deeper meaning!
well *I* never dreamed how future kids would look.
When you were gestating your kids you never once thought about what they would look like?
I think I thought about it all the time because H and I are so different!
I guess FOR ME it's just very odd to sit there and map out your life that way once you leave idk, the 8th grade. I think it's just a different outlook of life, that if you follow these lines, your life will fall into place. So it's very hard for me to sympathize with someone who seemingly thought they could for the lack of a better phrase, have it all.
Yeah, my husband has blue eyes and I have greenish-brown eyes (my grandparents had blue, brown, brown and hazel eyes, my dad has brown, my mom has green). So I've wondered before what color our future children might have, because frankly, I have no clue what it will be.
I would love a little redheaded kid, but my husband is from a family that is entirely brunette, so I don't see that one happening!
Maybe someone else knows. pescalita maybe? I think red hair has to be on both sides somewhere? Your H could have some in there somewhere. My h has brown hair, but gets red in his beard. Our daughter has strawberry blond hair like mine.
I *think* hair color is governed by more genes than eye color and therefore more complicated, but in general yes, red hair is not dominant so it needs some help from both sides.
Carl has some red in his facial hair, J is leaning the tiniest bit strawberry/auburn. I don't know of any on my side but I've got a lot of Irish.
My only point is people need to stop hating on her because she sees her future kids as blue eyed based on genetic predispositions. We all did this when we imagined our future kids! It doesn't have any deeper meaning!
it bothered me because it made it sound like the *only* way for them to be parents would be to have genetic babies
I have all the sympathy in the world for people who do not have the $$ to pay for IVF, or the money to have a child. I strongly dislike how the cost may prohibit people from having children. And in some ways I do respect this couple for recognizing that they may not be in the best financial situation to have a kid right now - except that it does seem that perhaps they spend $$ on things like onesies and baby gates that could be in an IVF fund.
But I'm not going to judge their vehicles or their home - the house may have been quite cheap where they live, and the vehicles could be older (unless I missed that). I think we ALL know that you can drive a Mercedes and be poor - circumstances change so quickly sometimes.
A couple that can make $125k in a year is not poor. And if you can make that kind of money, you should able to set some aside in savings if you are so so incredibly desperate to have a baby.
These people are just the exact wrong people to feature if you're trying to sympathetically highlight those who can't have children because of the economy.
$125K in MO is definitely not poor. It's more like upper middle class. I used to spend a lot of time in Fenton and that town is full of brand new upper middle class-priced housing. I'd bet their house cost around $300K. They definitely have options as far as moving down (way down)in house. They might have to move out of their perfect white-bread cul-de-sac, but it's definitely possible.
i can see it. DH and i were very much this way. if only he could have gotten a good, solid union job we would have been married earlier, with a house earlier and more than just two oopsie babies.
its been beaten into our heads from a young age that that's how you are supposed to do it. being from large, blue collar, middle class, union families that did just that is what was expected of us.
And that's what I was responding negatively to, not the IF. It's just a really foreign mindset to me. Like they're saying that they shouldn't really have to work for it, that it's the minimum standard for a happy life, kwim? Like this is exactly what should be afforded to us by virtue of following these steps and if it's not, then that's the fault of the economy or other outside sources. And that there is really nothing else for them to do but wait until those factors resolve themselves.
I imagined our child with a ton of dark brown curly hair with blue eyes and olive skin.
When they plopped her on my tummy I got a blondeish baby with fine hair, gray/blue/green eyes, and pale.
TMI When she was crowning the OB was like, I see blonde hair, I think everyone in the room was like, "wut?!"
I can't wait to see what the (hypothetical) next one looks like. Either way my guess will be wrong!
End tangent.
I remember when I daughter was born, someone said, oh look at her red hair and I thought, you people must be really fucking stupid if you can't tell the difference between red hair and blood. Idiots.
In my defense though, it was blood, just blood on blond hair lolol
Colonialisim makes some traits pop up at the oddest time. Like asian girlfriend with a natural curl pattern similar to mine and no one to point to on either side of the family.
Hey now, there are Asians with Asian curl, you just stop that now lol. Totally depends on what kind of Asian. Wow, could I have phrased that anymore like an asshole?
Yeah, my husband has blue eyes and I have greenish-brown eyes (my grandparents had blue, brown, brown and hazel eyes, my dad has brown, my mom has green). So I've wondered before what color our future children might have, because frankly, I have no clue what it will be.
I would love a little redheaded kid, but my husband is from a family that is entirely brunette, so I don't see that one happening!
Maybe someone else knows. pescalita maybe? I think red hair has to be on both sides somewhere? Your H could have some in there somewhere. My h has brown hair, but gets red in his beard. Our daughter has strawberry blond hair like mine.
Yes. Ginger hair is recessive to everything. Both parents have to carry the trait.
I imagined our child with a ton of dark brown curly hair with blue eyes and olive skin.
When they plopped her on my tummy I got a blondeish baby with fine hair, gray/blue/green eyes, and pale.
TMI When she was crowning the OB was like, I see blonde hair, I think everyone in the room was like, "wut?!"
I can't wait to see what the (hypothetical) next one looks like. Either way my guess will be wrong!
End tangent.
How long did it take you to stop expecting her eyes to change? I was convinced probably for at least a year that her eyes would just get darker one day.