I was referring to the fact that he does something inconsiderate and when you call him on it, he says "no, you are just overreacting or too dramatic." He's pushing his issue back on you.
An emotionally health person would apologize and take responsibility for their behavior and want to discuss more how they can communicate better with you. Well, an emotionally healthy person wouldn't be pulling the crap that he is anyway.
Regardless of labels here, he's treating you poorly and you deserve much better.
Thank You! I just keep begging him to take responsibility for something. I mean maybe he legit forgot to take the tickets off the site. Maybe he legit forgot to make reservations, but when I say I'm hurt he puts it back on me & says everything hurts me.
Have you explained why you're hurt when he doesn't follow through on the things he says he will? Is he unable to make the connection and understand why it's important to you?
@savestheday i can't say we put work into changing things. we tried counseling which was a huge fail. things changed when we had our son, i don't know, i guess he realized how much of an asshole he'd been all those years. that's the good part. the bad part is, those years changed me into a harder person than i'd ever been, ever. and although i've softened up a lot as our marriage has healed and grown, i really feel like a lot of damage was done to me that i'm not sure i can ever repair. i realize this is rich coming from me but i hope you don't let this happen to you too.
Nope. I understand this 100 percent. I feel like my heart just hardened & just as I am letting down my guard being vulnerable again he hurts me. It's funny because this has gotten 1099 times worse since we had DS. He was really really hard on me when DS was tiny & it's like he expects something else from me now that I am a Mom that he can't really quantify so he takes it out on me.
I have tried asking him why he is mad at me, or if he views me differently. & he always just says I am a good Mom??
Post by RoxMonster on Jul 27, 2014 18:06:50 GMT -5
I'm not telling you to separate, but it sounds like something you've considered if you have already discussed moving out and getting a place with your mom, correct? And it sounds like you are overall unhappy in your marriage even outside of the gift stuff. Is this something you want to pursue? You don't HAVE to stay married to him if you don't want to.
I'm sorry you are in this situation and that your H is acting this way. I would be beyond hurt and angry. I can't tell you what to do but I hope you find a solution that makes you happy.
@savestheday i can't say we put work into changing things. we tried counseling which was a huge fail. things changed when we had our son, i don't know, i guess he realized how much of an asshole he'd been all those years. that's the good part. the bad part is, those years changed me into a harder person than i'd ever been, ever. and although i've softened up a lot as our marriage has healed and grown, i really feel like a lot of damage was done to me that i'm not sure i can ever repair. i realize this is rich coming from me but i hope you don't let this happen to you too.
Nope. I understand this 100 percent. I feel like my heart just hardened & just as I am letting down my guard being vulnerable again he hurts me. It's funny because this has gotten 1099 times worse since we had DS. He was really really hard on me when DS was tiny & it's like he expects something else from me now that I am a Mom that he can't really quantify so he takes it out on me.
I have tried asking him why he is mad at me, or if he views me differently. & he always just says I am a good Mom??
Oh. That's pretty telling. How's his relationship with his own mother?
Nope. I understand this 100 percent. I feel like my heart just hardened & just as I am letting down my guard being vulnerable again he hurts me. It's funny because this has gotten 1099 times worse since we had DS. He was really really hard on me when DS was tiny & it's like he expects something else from me now that I am a Mom that he can't really quantify so he takes it out on me.
I have tried asking him why he is mad at me, or if he views me differently. & he always just says I am a good Mom??
Oh. That's pretty telling. How's his relationship with his own mother?
Even when she is blatantly wrong, she is immediatly forgiven. He can't stand it upset her.
Oh. That's pretty telling. How's his relationship with his own mother?
Even when she is blatantly wrong, she is immediatly forgiven. He can't stand it upset her.
Does she use this against him? Meaning does she sometimes get upset so she doesn't have to deal/the subject is dropped/whatever?
I'm of course no counselor and I only have knowledge of what you've posted here but it sounds like this dysfunction is possibly learned and spilling over into your relationship.
Gift yourself the solo therapy, one way or another you need it to either figure out how or how not to live with him.
On the other subject what would he do if you stood up to the ILs or just left every visit?
I have tried both. I left every visit, but then MIL cried about how we weren't a family so DH to the therapist that I was cruel to his Mom & she told me I owed him a happy family with his parents if that's what he wanted.
I have stood up to them when they were bullying my mother, & that resulted in WW3.
I also won't leave them alone with DS & they bully H so I rarely leave them all alone anymore.
Even when she is blatantly wrong, she is immediatly forgiven. He can't stand it upset her.
Does she use this against him? Meaning does she sometimes get upset so she doesn't have to deal/the subject is dropped/whatever?
I'm of course no counselor and I only have knowledge of what you've posted here but it sounds like this dysfunction is possibly learned and spilling over into your relationship.
I'm sorry @savestheday. You deserve to feel respected, listened to, and valued. You have every right to your feelings, and while he doesn't need to agree, he doesn't need to discredit what you are feeling.
Does she use this against him? Meaning does she sometimes get upset so she doesn't have to deal/the subject is dropped/whatever?
I'm of course no counselor and I only have knowledge of what you've posted here but it sounds like this dysfunction is possibly learned and spilling over into your relationship.
His parents are HUGE bullies.
Ugh. I'm sorry. It's likely your H has no idea how to be a good partner, not because he's incapable but because healthy relationships were never modeled for him.
I think counseling is an important start, whether or not you decide to stay married to him. He's going to need help breaking these patterns of non-communication, not only for you but for the relationship with your son. You need to be in a safe space where you can clearly articulate the need to be able to not only have, but also express your feelings to him, without him getting angry or dismissive. Good luck savestheday.
Post by spedrunner on Jul 27, 2014 18:34:23 GMT -5
I would def be annoyed and hurt
It sounds like there are many issues here though, and this is just a way to rear its ugly head. Seems to be some miscommunication between you two with finances/budget, etc?
talk to him. Tell him how you feel. If its too difficult on your own, get a therapist involved.
@savestheday i can't say we put work into changing things. we tried counseling which was a huge fail. things changed when we had our son, i don't know, i guess he realized how much of an asshole he'd been all those years. that's the good part. the bad part is, those years changed me into a harder person than i'd ever been, ever. and although i've softened up a lot as our marriage has healed and grown, i really feel like a lot of damage was done to me that i'm not sure i can ever repair. i realize this is rich coming from me but i hope you don't let this happen to you too.
Nope. I understand this 100 percent. I feel like my heart just hardened & just as I am letting down my guard being vulnerable again he hurts me. It's funny because this has gotten 1099 times worse since we had DS. He was really really hard on me when DS was tiny & it's like he expects something else from me now that I am a Mom that he can't really quantify so he takes it out on me.Â
 I have tried asking him why he is mad at me, or if he views me differently. & he always just says I am a good Mom??Â
I'm so sorry @savestheday. You deserve better. I think it's telling that you say he's a good dad, and he says your a good mom. It's great that you're both good parents, but you deserve more than that in a marriage. Good luck to you. Marriage is hard.
Post by gibbinator on Jul 27, 2014 18:39:54 GMT -5
I'm sorry, your feelings are legitimate. Dh has of course disappointed me a few times over the past decade together, but he's never turned it back on me that my disappointment was an over reaction.
Your last counselor stunk. Either for not seeing through your dh manipulating the sessions (if he was) or just not listening to your side. You don't owe fealty to anyone who bullies you or your family.
How often would you say situations come up where he dismisses your feelings so offhand?
Post by thebreakfastclub on Jul 27, 2014 19:02:25 GMT -5
I am so sorry. This situation sounds like misery. I think things are coming to a head right now and it is make it or break it time. Does he know you have looked at apartments? Would he be upset?
I went back and read your April post...happiness is important! You are not happy. He needs to change or he needs to go, but he is not making you happy and you can make yourself be happy with him.
I am so sorry. This situation sounds like misery. I think things are coming to a head right now and it is make it or break it time. Does he know you have looked at apartments? Would he be upset?
I told him today, he doesn't seem to believe me. He told me that our relationship doesn't work because he thinks I won't let it work. I'm just looking for his failings.
I am so sorry. This situation sounds like misery. I think things are coming to a head right now and it is make it or break it time. Does he know you have looked at apartments? Would he be upset?
I told him today, he doesn't seem to believe me. He told me that our relationship doesn't work because he thinks I won't let it work. I'm just looking for his failings.
i have been in your shoes before, for years. and i hated those years of my life & wondered why in the fuck i was married to him. i am really sorry you deal with this.
but yes i'd be annoyed and hurt and mad. our solution a long time ago was to institute a no gifts policy, generally. we ended up fighting over gift-giving holidays most of the time and it just wasn't worth it.
How did you change the situation? What worked?
I mean the guy isn't evil he's cooking our kid dinner right now while I sit here on the iPad.
Even manipulative, selfish, unkind people can cook a meal now and again. "Not evil" shouldn't be the only thing your husband has to recommend himself to you. Or to the world for that matter.
Post by flamingeaux on Jul 27, 2014 19:59:51 GMT -5
Dude. Your feelings matter. They should matter to him. Instead of just saying your feelings are wrong, he should at least try to understand why you feel the way you do.
In addition to the shitiness of his failures to consider your feelings, the fact that he won't step in on your behalf to his parents is terrible. My in-laws are manipulative, controlling assholes who have treated me like shit, so my husband only communicates with them on a need-to basis. They aren't welcome in our house. This is because my H is a grown man and stands up for me, thank goodness. You deserve this from him, your family should be #1. I'm so sorry he sucks.
Honest question, and you certainly don't have to answer it here. Let's say that for whatever reason, the financial obstacles were removed and you could afford to move yourself and your mom into an apartment. Would you choose to do that?