I get this. This was DH and I as well. At 19 and 22 we were too young to be even discussing engagement and marriage, but we both knew that's where the relationship was going.
This will probably sound bitchy (because hi, have you met me?) but I swear 100% I do not mean it that way because you do you. NOT JUDGING!
I just cannot fathom moving in with a boyfriend at 19. Or 22. As it is, I feel like I missed some stuff having a boyfriend or husband for most of my 20s (started dating H at 21). I would have suffocated living with him that young, even if I'd known from 13 that we would get married.
But I'm glad it's worked out for you. Like I said, you do you.
Haha, honestly, if it were someone else, I'd be giving them the side eye. It's not bitchy, it's just common sense. I can't imagine my daughter or son moving in with their 22 year old boyfriend or girlfriend. I would most likely be dragging them right home from college before I let that happen. DH was my only serious boyfriend, and on paper I'm amazed that we are not divorced, we met when I was 17, started dating when I was 18. It's just one of those things. Happy to report that it's 13 years later, and it's still awesome, I realize that we are not the norm though, and I certainly wouldn't recommend it to others.
DH and i have been together over 13 years. We did not live together for the first 7 months. We got engaged after 3 yrs and married after 4 so we have lived together almost 13 yrs and have been married for 9 of them.
Yes, we lived together before we were engaged. We were both in our 30's when we met. Our parents didn't care at all. I think both sets were thrilled we had found each other.
All of my close friends lived with their SO before they were married. We were all old when we got married (late 30's to early 40's). I think that might make a difference.
DH and I have been to a lot of weddings. Maybe 40? I don't know. Anyway, of all the couples who we've seen get married, only one did not live together first. The bride is the daughter of a Baptist minister, so that probably wouldn't have gone over well. DH and I lived together about a year before getting engaged, and then another 6 months before the actual wedding. Before we moved in together we had a big talk about what it meant.
Post by fortnightlily on Jul 29, 2014 8:32:10 GMT -5
We were both renting and living with roommates, and about a year-and-a-half into our relationship we went and found a new apartment and moved in together. Engaged 10 months later, and married 9 months after that.
But -- we were each other's first serious relationship, and we had no doubt where it was heading.
I firmly believed that living together before marriage was important, as did my family. I wanted to be certain we were compatible in all aspects, and it put less pressure/transition on the relationship once we were married.
My DH insisted on it. He believes that part of the reason his first marriage failed is that they did not live together before getting married - felt he would have learned a lot about her that he didn't know etc. He proposed the idea in August 2001 - he moved in the weekend after 9-11. I did say to him at the time he suggested it that we wouldn't live together forever. We were engaged in Feb. 2002 and married in Oct 2002. My mother had suffered a stroke several years ago and was in a nursing home and we didn't tell my Dad (they lived 200 miles away - so no checking up possible). I think I would have done it anyway even if they didn't like it as I was 35 years old at the time and my DH felt strongly about it.
No. And of my social circle, very, very few people lived together before marriage. Catholic upbringing is the reason for most of us, I suppose.
However, my reasons for not wanting to live with someone before marriage have nothing to do with morality. It was more about preserving independence until things were really, really official (marriage). While we spent many nights at one another's apartment/condo, we did not spend EVERY night together and that was quite purposeful. I liked having a place of my own and not feeling like I was too entangled, financially or otherwise, until marriage. So did DH. And we both thought it would make living together once married seem more special. And I'd encourage my daughters to have their own place as well, for the same reasons. All that said, if there were extenuating circumstances, I would have reconsidered (moving to another coast/country, financial hardship, etc.).
We bought a house about 3m before our wedding, but between the wedding being out of town from where our house was, work we had to do on the house before we moved in, etc., we didn't really live there until after our wedding.
Most of my friends did not live together before getting married (mostly Catholic, btw), but I've noticed that among our younger siblings who are now starting to get married and stuff, they have been living together. I always thought my mom would lose her shit if I lived with someone I wasn't engaged to or whatever, but she seems to not even care about it now.
If I had been younger it would have been frowned upon by my family but I was 30 when we met…DH was only 24 though…I am sure his mom was FLIPPING OUT. If my mom had been alive she might have cared a bit. My dad said nothing…as far as he was concerned I was in my 30s, with a good head on my shoulders, plus he was already living with his GF, who he had met 6 months after mom died…so there's that.
We met in January We began dating at the end of May He had a key to my place by the end of the first week we were dating He moved in the first week of August We were engaged in October We were married the following October.
We *knew*…he broke up with his GF of 8 years to date me. I was the cradle-robbing-home-wrecker (he never cheated physically, whether there was 'emotional cheating' is debatable…but he says that he had been having doubts about the relationship for over a year).
Post by EllieArroway on Jul 29, 2014 8:46:06 GMT -5
We lived together for 3 years before marriage (and 2 years before getting engaged). We were in college and had another roommate for most of that time. We bought a house together about six months before we were married, too. We broke all the rules.
We were 18 when we started dating, 21 when we moved in together and 23 when we married. I never know how to answer this criticism about being young cause it just worked for us. I can't say why that's so super unique that it's a terrible idea for anyone else. I'm sure there are other people out there who are old farts at a young age, have a great relationship, and could handle settling down. It just never felt like a risky decision.
I did go through a time around 19/20 where I saw where it was going and started to get afraid that I would wake up at 40 and decide I missed sowing my wild oats. I tried to party (this was the year we were long distance), decided I couldn't make myself like it out of fear I might miss it, and resigned to my fate lol.
FWIW, this young relationship/marriage stuff isn't common in my circle, but living together before marriage is. The only people I know who didn't live together before engagement are pretty seriously religious.
I did mh's laundry before we were even really a couple. (We were just fuck buddies. Or at least thats what we told people. Commitment phobic weirdness in our history)
But that was an agreement based on his willingness to wash and wax my car and my access to a free washer and dryer.
I did mh's laundry before we were even really a couple. (We were just fuck buddies. Or at least thats what we told people. Commitment phobic weirdness in our history)
But that was an agreement based on his willingness to wash and wax my car and my access to a free washer and dryer.
We did also live together before getting engaged.
You married your fuck buddy. ♡ i reallllllly liked mine but given how it started i didnt think it could turn into something and i broke it off right when he started trying to make it real. He is now a millionaire a few times over who flies transplant patients to their waiting organs in his private planeS as volunteer work. i love my husband but man sometimes i wonder what if, lol.
Like many others, not until right before we were married. My lease was up three weeks before the wedding. He owned the house. It didn't make much sense for me to move to my parents and then to H's house just three weeks later.
I did mh's laundry before we were even really a couple. (We were just fuck buddies. Or at least thats what we told people. Commitment phobic weirdness in our history)
But that was an agreement based on his willingness to wash and wax my car and my access to a free washer and dryer.
We did also live together before getting engaged.
You married your fuck buddy. ♡ i reallllllly liked mine but given how it started i didnt think it could turn into something and i broke it off right when he started trying to make it real. He is now a millionaire a few times over who flies transplant patients to their waiting organs in his private planeS as volunteer work. i love my husband but man sometimes i wonder what if, lol.
My for real fuck buddy from before mh (ie. Not somebody I had actual feelings for that I was inexplicably suppressing, just an actual friend who I slept with occasionally while we were both single) sold his tech startup for many dollars three years ago.
Missed opportunities man.
[Edited to remove details. Also picture winky joking face after "man" above]
Post by irishbride2 on Jul 29, 2014 9:41:17 GMT -5
Even crazier is my SIL asked me to be the godmother of her first born before we were even engaged. And asked that h and I take the kids if she and her h died.
Moved in together in Feb 2008, got engaged in Dec 2010 and married Sept 2011. We were high school sweethearts and had been dating since 2000 so I think after 8 years and being 23 they weren't surprised when we moved in together.
I do think a lot of it has to do with your social group. I honestly can only think of one friend who didn't live with their spouse before marriage. She later said that she thinks that was part of the reason they later divorced. They were too different and living separately really masked that.
I was engaged to the first guy I lived with, before we moved in together, and living with him made me run far, far away. I think time alone would have done that though. I am so thankful we planned on a long engagement.
Yes, it would probably be flamed if someone posted a similar situation since we had only dated long distance for 6 months and he moved from FL to be with me. My parents were not happy about it. But it all worked out. We got engaged within 8 months of moving in together and have been happily married for over 6 years.
Post by downtoearth on Jul 29, 2014 10:05:15 GMT -5
I lived with DH for like 11 years before we got married. It was frowned upon by my parents, but they didn't have a choice in the matter. My mom once said, "When you told us, instead of asking us, that you were moving in with your boyfriend, I realized we had raised a strong, independent daughter." But that didn't stop her from calling him the "Sin-in-Law" jokingly for years when introducing him.
This interests me. Is there a cultural divide? Anecdotes but...None of my black friend peers ever seem to have an expectation that couples will live together before marriage unless they are counting down to the wedding. It isn't a "step" on the path to marriage. I remember a non-black friend asking after learning me and my beau at the time had been together for two years if we were moving in together and I said uh, no. And she thought it was crazy that we would be together that long and not live together. I thought it was odd that she thought we should be living together.
Is there an age divide? I'm a Gen X-er.
Regional? I'm a Southerner.
I can't exactly explain it, but I didn't feel like it was a "step" in our relationship. We knew we were going to get married, even though we weren't engaged. I know that sounds crazy. But moving in together was never a "let's try this out and see how it goes," thing for either one of us.
Completely agree. I can't honestly remember ever having the conversation about whether or not we should move in together, it wasn't in the order of "next things in our relationship." We were together 3 years, engaged for another 11 months and have been married for 5 1/2 years.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Jul 29, 2014 10:22:08 GMT -5
We did. Annnnd my parents did not set foot in my house until there was a ring on my finger, THREE YEARS LATER. My mother never got to see where I live. It still bugs me.
Also, I am smiling about the laundry comments :-). My mom brought that up as a "Why would you so such a horrible thing" to me and I responded that I have never done his laundry and had no intention of starting now, he's a grown man and can wash his own damn underwear." And I still don't do his laundry :-)