Post by pinkdutchtulips on Jul 29, 2014 11:15:03 GMT -5
we started dating in 2001, moved in together a year later, he proposed in 2005 and we were married in 2007.
never again will I live w a man unless there's a ring involved. I nearly walked out on now stbxh bc we were STILL just living together w no plans for the future before he proposed. sometimes I think he proposed bc the options were 1- lose me or 2- marry me and married me so he wouldn't lose me. awesome reason lol
I did mh's laundry before we were even really a couple. (We were just fuck buddies. Or at least thats what we told people. Commitment phobic weirdness in our history)
But that was an agreement based on his willingness to wash and wax my car and my access to a free washer and dryer.
We did also live together before getting engaged.
This was us to a point. I don t think either of us called it dating until about 3 months in. He was supposed to be my safe crush, 'cause I was NEVER EVER dating anyone I worked with. Sure glad I broke that rule!
LTBM is quite a bit less common among the college-educated, which I think most of us on this board are. When college-educated couples do LTBM, they often do it quite differently, too. It's often relatively brief, they're engaged beforehand (or get engaged relatively shortly moving in together,) and it doesn't usually last very long before they get married or (sometimes) break up. In contrast, it's more common, lasts longer, and is less likely to lead to marriage the less education a couple has.
Cohabitation is actually a topic I know a lot about if anyone happens to have random questions.
this was a bone of contention bt stbxh and I and it was never communicated properly bc we weren't remotely on the same page. it frustrated me to no end and he never understood why it bugged me SO MUCH !!!!
I had the college education and viewed living together as the small layover until we got engaged w/in a year or so (ha ! that turned out to be nearly FOUR years !).
STBXH has a GED and like most of his friends w/ similar educations (hs and maybe some college or trade school) they lived w/ gfs for a longer period of time wo ANY discussion of marriage and thought it was nbd to have a couple of kids along the way before breaking up.
when we married there were plenty of people who were shocked that we didn't have our own child as a flower girl or ring bearer at our wedding. most couples in stbxh's circle who had been together for 6 years had at least one if not 2 possibly 3 kids by that point.
I get this. This was DH and I as well. At 19 and 22 we were too young to be even discussing engagement and marriage, but we both knew that's where the relationship was going.
This will probably sound bitchy (because hi, have you met me?) but I swear 100% I do not mean it that way because you do you. NOT JUDGING!
I just cannot fathom moving in with a boyfriend at 19. Or 22. As it is, I feel like I missed some stuff having a boyfriend or husband for most of my 20s (started dating H at 21). I would have suffocated living with him that young, even if I'd known from 13 that we would get married.
But I'm glad it's worked out for you. Like I said, you do you.
I was this way - moved in around 19/20 with my boyfriend, but we married about 9-10 years later and were only engaged for about 10-months. I'm sure it seemed early, but we had no intention of putting finances together, having kids, or getting married, so it seemed less committed at first. It wasn't until he moved with me to another state for grad school about 6-years into the relationship that it seemed more commitment-oriented to live together. We were just kids when we moved in together and had to figure out how to be adults - luckily we didn't grow apart while figuring that out.
And laundry - nah, I hate doing my own, so I barely even do the kids. DH is the laundry guy, but conversely, I think he missed some adult skills by moving in with me b/c the man cannot clean a toilet to my satisfaction even today. Plus his food repertoire is pretty much things-you-can-grill, burritos, and stirfry - not much else.
We actually moved in together about 7 months after we started dating. And it was a long distance move for him. We got engaged about 1.5 years after that. It was a big relationship step for the two of us and we were pretty sure we WOULD get engaged/married, or else we wouldn't have done it.
I think relationship-wise, it was great. We found out it was super easy to live together. Financially, I probably did get dependent by living with someone who made more money than me, so if it had gone south, breaking up would have been more difficult because we were living together and I would have had to readjust to a single budget.
My mom used to not be pro-moving in together, but then she and her now-husband moved in together for a few months before they got married, so when I did it, it wasn't a problem. My dad has no intention of getting remarried and has lived with his GF for about 6 years now, and my brother lives with his FI.
LTBM is quite a bit less common among the college-educated, which I think most of us on this board are. When college-educated couples do LTBM, they often do it quite differently, too. It's often relatively brief, they're engaged beforehand (or get engaged relatively shortly moving in together,) and it doesn't usually last very long before they get married or (sometimes) break up. In contrast, it's more common, lasts longer, and is less likely to lead to marriage the less education a couple has.
Cohabitation is actually a topic I know a lot about if anyone happens to have random questions.
this was a bone of contention bt stbxh and I and it was never communicated properly bc we weren't remotely on the same page. it frustrated me to no end and he never understood why it bugged me SO MUCH !!!!
I had the college education and viewed living together as the small layover until we got engaged w/in a year or so (ha ! that turned out to be nearly FOUR years !).
STBXH has a GED and like most of his friends w/ similar educations (hs and maybe some college or trade school) they lived w/ gfs for a longer period of time wo ANY discussion of marriage and thought it was nbd to have a couple of kids along the way before breaking up.
when we married there were plenty of people who were shocked that we didn't have our own child as a flower girl or ring bearer at our wedding. most couples in stbxh's circle who had been together for 6 years had at least one if not 2 possibly 3 kids by that point.
Oohh! Thank you! This has given me an idea for a new avenue to explore- differences in meaning of cohabitation for educationally disparate couples. In the spirit of Fishgate, would you prefer to be cited as (Pink, DutchTulips, 2014) or (Tulips, PinkDutch, 2014)?
this was a bone of contention bt stbxh and I and it was never communicated properly bc we weren't remotely on the same page. it frustrated me to no end and he never understood why it bugged me SO MUCH !!!!
I had the college education and viewed living together as the small layover until we got engaged w/in a year or so (ha ! that turned out to be nearly FOUR years !).
STBXH has a GED and like most of his friends w/ similar educations (hs and maybe some college or trade school) they lived w/ gfs for a longer period of time wo ANY discussion of marriage and thought it was nbd to have a couple of kids along the way before breaking up.
when we married there were plenty of people who were shocked that we didn't have our own child as a flower girl or ring bearer at our wedding. most couples in stbxh's circle who had been together for 6 years had at least one if not 2 possibly 3 kids by that point.
Oohh! Thank you! This has given me an idea for a new avenue to explore- differences in meaning of cohabitation for educationally disparate couples. In the spirit of Fishgate, would you prefer to be cited as (Pink, DutchTulips, 2014) or (Tulips, PinkDutch, 2014)?
PDT works ... on my reading bucket list is Coming Apart that book by Charles Murrary I think .. stbxh grew up 100% in the book's Fishtown, me I was 100% raised in the book's Belmont. fun times.
This will probably sound bitchy (because hi, have you met me?) but I swear 100% I do not mean it that way because you do you. NOT JUDGING!
I just cannot fathom moving in with a boyfriend at 19. Or 22. As it is, I feel like I missed some stuff having a boyfriend or husband for most of my 20s (started dating H at 21). I would have suffocated living with him that young, even if I'd known from 13 that we would get married.
But I'm glad it's worked out for you. Like I said, you do you.
I was this way - moved in around 19/20 with my boyfriend, but we married about 9-10 years later and were only engaged for about 10-months. I'm sure it seemed early, but we had no intention of putting finances together, having kids, or getting married, so it seemed less committed at first. It wasn't until he moved with me to another state for grad school about 6-years into the relationship that it seemed more commitment-oriented to live together. We were just kids when we moved in together and had to figure out how to be adults - luckily we didn't grow apart while figuring that out.
And laundry - nah, I hate doing my own, so I barely even do the kids. DH is the laundry guy, but conversely, I think he missed some adult skills by moving in with me b/c the man cannot clean a toilet to my satisfaction even today. Plus his food repertoire is pretty much things-you-can-grill, burritos, and stirfry - not much else.
I moved in w/ a bf was I was 22, he was 18 (scandalous huh) he proposed 6 wks after we met ! we were in college and I started law school shortly after graduation in nor cal and he stayed in school in so cal. it did NOT work out in the end .. being long distance wasn't the reason either (I was close to his brother and sil who lived down the street from me in nor cal !) but simply realizing that he was TOO YOUNG to settle down like that ... we had a blast living together my last year of undergrad/his first.
Post by PinkSquirrel on Jul 29, 2014 12:36:22 GMT -5
My H and I moved into his dorm with it's fabulous twin sized bed while we were still fuck buddies. I woke up with a mouse next to my head at my other place one to many times. 6-8 months later we finally came to our senses and admitted we actually liked each other.
this was a bone of contention bt stbxh and I and it was never communicated properly bc we weren't remotely on the same page. it frustrated me to no end and he never understood why it bugged me SO MUCH !!!!
I had the college education and viewed living together as the small layover until we got engaged w/in a year or so (ha ! that turned out to be nearly FOUR years !).
STBXH has a GED and like most of his friends w/ similar educations (hs and maybe some college or trade school) they lived w/ gfs for a longer period of time wo ANY discussion of marriage and thought it was nbd to have a couple of kids along the way before breaking up.
when we married there were plenty of people who were shocked that we didn't have our own child as a flower girl or ring bearer at our wedding. most couples in stbxh's circle who had been together for 6 years had at least one if not 2 possibly 3 kids by that point.
Oohh! Thank you! This has given me an idea for a new avenue to explore- differences in meaning of cohabitation for educationally disparate couples. In the spirit of Fishgate, would you prefer to be cited as (Pink, DutchTulips, 2014) or (Tulips, PinkDutch, 2014)?
You will report back, yes? I am fascinated by this topic and love to hear about how religion, generational differences, economics, education, etc. all play a role in the decision whether to live together or not. Specifically, I would love to see data on how it impacts women in the long run, especially when marriage is not the end game.
Oohh! Thank you! This has given me an idea for a new avenue to explore- differences in meaning of cohabitation for educationally disparate couples. In the spirit of Fishgate, would you prefer to be cited as (Pink, DutchTulips, 2014) or (Tulips, PinkDutch, 2014)?
PDT works ... on my reading bucket list is Coming Apart that book by Charles Murrary I think .. stbxh grew up 100% in the book's Fishtown, me I was 100% raised in the book's Belmont. fun times.
I absolutely disagree with Murray's rationale for the split between the working and middle classes (individual choices vs structural causes) but his data is really interesting.
PDT works ... on my reading bucket list is Coming Apart that book by Charles Murrary I think .. stbxh grew up 100% in the book's Fishtown, me I was 100% raised in the book's Belmont. fun times.
I absolutely disagree with Murray's rationale for the split between the working and middle classes (individual choices vs structural causes) but his data is really interesting.
I found via my upbringing and stbxh's upbringing that Murray was spot on. xh's family all barely graduated from hs, had kids SUPER young (his mom was 15 when she had the 1st of her 4 kids), the men in her life worked blue collar jobs, rampant substance abuse issues and no real desire to get away from all that. marriage was after thought as in you thought of it AFTER the rabbit died. my family - we ALL went to college, we were ALL expected to marry someone who had also gone to college, we were all expected to live in the burbs once we got married and had families of our own. there was a very real ingrained expectation that we would marry our equal or better. that striving to do better was a very real part of our upbringing unlike xh's ...
its eerie for me to read excerpts of the book but that was how I was raised to a tee and how xh was raised to a tee and believe me it DID cause its fair share of problems.
This will probably sound bitchy (because hi, have you met me?) but I swear 100% I do not mean it that way because you do you. NOT JUDGING!
I just cannot fathom moving in with a boyfriend at 19. Or 22. As it is, I feel like I missed some stuff having a boyfriend or husband for most of my 20s (started dating H at 21). I would have suffocated living with him that young, even if I'd known from 13 that we would get married.
But I'm glad it's worked out for you. Like I said, you do you.
I was this way - moved in around 19/20 with my boyfriend, but we married about 9-10 years later and were only engaged for about 10-months. I'm sure it seemed early, but we had no intention of putting finances together, having kids, or getting married, so it seemed less committed at first. It wasn't until he moved with me to another state for grad school about 6-years into the relationship that it seemed more commitment-oriented to live together. We were just kids when we moved in together and had to figure out how to be adults - luckily we didn't grow apart while figuring that out.
And laundry - nah, I hate doing my own, so I barely even do the kids. DH is the laundry guy, but conversely, I think he missed some adult skills by moving in with me b/c the man cannot clean a toilet to my satisfaction even today. Plus his food repertoire is pretty much things-you-can-grill, burritos, and stirfry - not much else.
DH and I first moved in together over the school year when he was 19 and I was a couple weeks away from 18 (yeah, I technically was 17 for 2 weeks...). We had been together for a year and a half at that point, most of it long distance so we knew our communication was great. We had already said we wanted to get married someday, but we said we would wait until I finished school. We started thinking of both of our money as a shared asset after we moved in together the second time a couple years later (when H was done school). We did end up getting married just after I finished my second degree and have no intention of having kids until we've been together for 10 years.
Everything went very well for us, but I know I would have a heart attack if I have a kid who tries to do the same thing down the line.
Yes. It is also frowned upon in my family (Catholics---we lived in sin), but we were adults, were committed, etc. We did not get engaged until about 2 years later. We were young, though, 24 and 26, so it worked for us. We did keep all $$ separate, though.
+1. Except I was 28 and he was 27 when we started living together. We got married four years later.
I'm the biggest hussy here I guess. I didn't even want to get married for the longest time. It was the "m word" but I was happy living together.
If seems like millennials are buying houses together before marriage so I definitely think there is a generational thing happening.
Well, I'm probably up there. We lived together in two separate chunks due to school before we got married, the first of which was several years before marriage.
We first moved in together the month I started university, which was also the month I turned 18. I technically had my own room (there were five of us in the house), but it went unused except for the desk.
I lived for two years with a guy that I never married. After my first marriage ended, and long before I met H.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Jul 29, 2014 17:39:04 GMT -5
We lived together for a year before we got engaged and another year before we got married. (I was 30 when I met H and 34 when we got married. H is two years younger. Also, both H and I have our Master's Degrees. He's from the Midwest originally and I'm from DC.)
Post by dutchgirl678 on Jul 29, 2014 17:44:19 GMT -5
We lived together before getting engaged. None of our parents cared, we were already in our late 20s and wanted to make sure we were compatible before making the step to engagement and marriage.
Post by Tootsieroll on Jul 30, 2014 11:58:55 GMT -5
I moved in with my boyfriend the day I graduated high school. 7 years later, we're just starting to discuss marriage. It's worked for us, we're really happy and not really in a rush.