Post by missmaddie on Sept 20, 2014 9:20:39 GMT -5
I'm sorry MB. I really think he's just scared shitless right now and being a dick to compensate and taking it out as anger instead. In my experience guys sometimes get mean instead of let themselves be vulnerable. I hope this passes and you can at least have an open discussion soon.
I'm sorry that he's acting like this. And I want to smack him right in the face.
You cannot, on top of everything else, give yourself or let him give you the responsibility for making him okay with this. He has to work through this. You can't MAKE him be okay and accept what's happened so you just take that job right off your plate. Take care of yourself and give him some distance. For your own protection and self preservation. When/if he comes around, talk it through then.
The fact that he woke you up and asked you to leave makes me hate him. How hurtful. Focus on yourself right now. Surround yourself with friends and family. Ignore his ass. xo
I'm so sorry. I wish I had something better to say than that, but I hope you can do something to relax the next few days - maybe a massage or something?
I told him I didn't do this on purpose or plan it and that I wasn't trying to ruin his life.
Please, please remember that you did not get pregnant on your own. He is just as responsible for this pregnancy as you are. Just because you are the one carrying the pregnancy does not mean that you are any more responsible than he is for the existence of the pregnancy.
Unfortunately, birth control is not 100% effective and there is always a chance of pregnancy if you are sexually active. No one expects to be part of the small percentage for whom BC fails, and it is of course normal to feel shocked, angry, and any number of other emotions. It is not okay, however, for him to be shitty towards you while he's going through these emotions.
Post by Cricket0619 on Sept 20, 2014 9:39:40 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. Maybe he needs to let the shock of it all wear off for a bit. I hope he comes around and is supportive and there for you like he first said.
Post by alicenelson on Sept 20, 2014 10:05:30 GMT -5
I am so sorry, MB. How hurtful that must have been. Sue Sue's right, though. You are both in a heightened emotional state. You'll need to step outside that emotional bubble at some time (soon, for obvious reasons) and really take a look at things to come. You've got to look at the best- AND worse-case scenarios, and decide if you are willing to make a go of it. Or wait until a more opportune time in your life. Either way, MB, we love and support you. ((Hugs))
I'm so sorry he's being a jerk right now. I agree with the others who suggested keeping your distance for a while. Is there someone else you can lean on for support right now? Hopefully he pulls his head out of his ass eventually, but you shouldn't have to go through this alone in the meantime.
I get that this is a lot to wrap his head around, but that's no excuse for him being angry with you. You both have an equal part in this, so he cannot blame you for getting pregnant FFS.
Post by macmars45 on Sept 20, 2014 10:16:06 GMT -5
I'm sorry he's being an asshole. Let him come to you with an apology if/when he's ready. Take care of yourself and plan for doing this alone to be as prepared as possible like suesue said.
So he woke up you up, without provocation, and asked you to leave? That's really weird and so out of left field. Were you guys okay prior to your drifting off to sleep?
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
@cse1960 is bringing the tough love. While I wouldn't necessarily take the same tone in approach , right now you really do need to get your ducks in a row, logistics wise, as if you'll be going it alone. Not only is it important to do, but it will provide you with the distraction you need right now while you're giving each other space. It will also give you some strength. You need to move out of the mode of things happening to you and into the mode of you making things happen. That's where your confidence will take root.
I need to give myself this advice often as well, and in fact did so just recently. When I am emotional and despairing that's my sign to DO something. I haven't had to deal with all of these things you've had to deal with (and in such short succession), but that advice has helped me in a wide variety of situations.
And I'll say this just in case you need to hear it. It's okay to change your mind about this pregnancy.
Post by scarletbandit on Sept 20, 2014 11:03:44 GMT -5
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this on top of your own feelings right now. I do agree with the previous poster that said let him come to you. Hopefully sooner rather than later. (((Hugs))) take care of yourself. You and the baby are #1 priority.
I'm just a lurker, but suesue is giving some wonderful advice. My DS was a total accident, slightly different situation in that I was married, but our plan was no kids ever, and DH was planning on getting a vasectomy. It was a shock, and there were lots of tears from both of us. There are still times 6 years later when we look at each other and say "what the fuck did we do?". We considered all the options and (obviously) ultimately decided keeping the baby was the right choice for us, but it's not an easy decision and there are a lot of emotions involved in coming to terms with an unexpected baby. I'm sorry he acted like an ass, but give him some space and time. I think it'll work out but it will definitely be a bit of a journey to get there.
Post by pantsparty on Sept 20, 2014 11:24:55 GMT -5
I am really sorry, mb. What a tough time for you. I agree with sue sue and and cville in that thinking through how you would do this without his involvement will help you to gain confidence and feel prepared. If this board is any indication, you have a lot of good friends that will support you. Sending you hugs and love. (heart)
This is why I asked you if he has other friends to talk to. This is a HUGE adjustment. He needs to talk this out with someone that is not you. Going round and round in his head would only confuse him more. This is a difficult time, true but there is a way to deal with it without you having to do it all by yourself and him acting like a five year old and kicking you out.
Also you need to stop apologizing or taking blame in any way. The more you do that, the more he is going to pile it on you. ((hugs)) I hope you guys work this out.
I'm very upset for you that he woke you up unprovoked and sent you home. He woke up his sleeping pregnant girlfriend because he was having too many feeeeelings. Fucker. Fuck that!
Definitely don't contact him. Definitely expect a sincere heartfelt apology. And start asking yourself if this is who YOU want to be with. His behavior was very selfish. Even if he's mad at you, there was no reason to wake you and make you leave except to prove a point.
Also, STOP apologizing for the pregnancy and insisting that it wasn't a trap. I mean this lovingly but it makes you sound desparate for his approval. Stand up tall and tell him he did this too and BC fails and you're not taking full responsibility anymore. He has every right to be upset, but you're not the punching bag.
Post by dexteroni on Sept 20, 2014 12:07:46 GMT -5
((((hugs)))) Sorry this is such a rough time. I'm not that surprised that his feelings are coming out - it was a huge shock and those take time to process. He did say that it would take some time to work things out, so hopefully he meant that and will be come around. Until then, I agree with @cse1960's wise advice - don't contact him, set about planning on raising this baby alone, if that's what you want to do, and do what's necessary to make that happen. Like cville said, getting things in order will boost your confidence, and while it will still be shitty of him if he declines to participate in the child's life, at least you'll know you can do this alone.
And I also agree with copperboom's advice - stop practically apologizing for getting pregnant. You didn't get pregnant by yourself. Every adult with a brain and an active sex life should know that no BC is 100% effective.
(((((hugs))))) It will all work out. Hang in there.
I'm so sorry about how he is treating you MB. I hope I don't come off like a mega bitch because that isn't my intention, but are you sure you weren't trying to get PG? I think you need to be honest with yourself. You said in your other post your LMP was less than a month away from when you started taking pregnancy tests? Why did you suspect pregnancy so early while on the pill? There are no brands where an entire pack is less than 28 days. I'm just saying, maybe he is recognizing holes in your timeline as well and he could be pissed about that. Be honest with yourself and him. I would give him all the space and wait for him to make the next move. Again, I am sorry things are not going well
Post by ringstrue on Sept 20, 2014 12:29:01 GMT -5
I agree to give you both space- real space, no meandering over to his place and falling asleep. Things "could" work out in the end but there may be a long time when you need real support, and that could very well be other family and friends. Pregnancy is no fun and you need real adults surrounding you to take care of you and navigate a lot of important decisions in prepping for the baby.
I know it's not what you want to hear, but if he's excluding himself from you and this conversation, he's already answered the "are you going to be involved" question, at least for the immediate future.
the thing to do when someone says they want space, is to give it to them. Here, he clearly wants some space. Don't call, don't approach, nothing. Leave him alone for a bit while he sorts himself out, and you get to sorting things out yourself.
You said at the beginning, all noble and self sacrificing, that you are more than willing to leave him entirely alone and do this all by yourself. He said at the beginning, all noble and self sacrificing, that he would stand by you blah blah blah. I think you were both doing a lot of chest thumping, back of hand to forehead dramatics, and neither of you had any idea of the crushing weight that is about to fall on you both, and now that it's coming home to each of you, you're both sitting here going OH SHIT. THIS IS FOREVER. You do not want to do this all alone and not 'bother' him at all with it and you never did; and he is much less eager to play Knight In Shining Armor over this than he was when you first told him, even though he knows this is his kid. And all this has happened in just a few days' time.
The truth of it is, you don't know each other well enough to know if you can do this together, neither of you are prepared for a child at this time, and neither of you are prepared to step into a lifelong relationship with the other, at least not at this point. Not saying you can't get ready in 8 months, but this is the reality and it was the reality when you got your pregnancy test result, when you said all those noble self sacrificing things, and he said all those noble self sacrificing things. You two have to deal realistically with one another through out this and so far neither of you have; you're both acting like a couple of romance novel cliches. The more unwelcome truth is you cannot do this alone, and the both of you are obligated by law to provide financial and other support for this child for another 18 years, sharing custody, visitation, important days etc etc. And this is when you two take the measure of yourselves and each other (both are important) and see if you can manage this.
Start by looking at your finances, and figuring out how much money you can save in the next 8 months so that you can be off for maternity leave for a couple of months; you will need it. Check your vacation time from work, and sick leave, and see if you have a short term disability policy that will pay during maternity leave, some do. Sock away every penny you can. Check deductibles, copays etc in your insurance plan and see how much having the baby is going to cost you out of pocket. Look into applying for state aid if you are going to need it, and look into applying for child support enforcement assistance (most states offer this). His insurance will also pay for the costs of prenatal and delivery care, if he has some, if he admits paternity, but most insurance carriers will only reimburse after the fact when paternity is proven after birth even if he does admit paternity, and you'll need to be looking at the cheapest way to determine paternity if he denies it (state enforced paternity testing and order). And get to looking for daycare. Stop martyring yourself and get planning; if you are keeping this kid, you need to make use of the time you have now to get ready.
Expect him to be angry for quite a while, because he's going to be, and expect yourself to be angry for a while, because you're going to be. Having a baby is an expensive and lonely proposition in the best of circumstances, and right now you are not in the best of circumstances.
Also, talk to your lawyer. Since you are still married, the courts may assume the baby is stbx's, because that is the presumption in many states. You may have to take extra steps yo establish paternity or risk being stuck with stbx with the father of record.
I think it's normal to have these feelings. I'm sure you had them; but you didn't have anyone to blame. And it sucks that he is doing this while you are also struggling. But you were as honest and timely as possible.
Hopefully he'll realize you're on the same team and can just go through this together. And if not we are here for you. I know it's not the same but it's true.