Would this bother you

[sugarbear]

I can't imagine just waiting to see what my DH will do in this situation. It's not like you're going to have time at the hospital to chill out together and have this very important discussion. I'm horrified that he would even consider it, but I feel like you need to have this conversation BEFORE you go into the hospital.

[stacyb1983]

Yes, this would bother me.

[hermione]

Team jenny1980.

[heygrey]

fuck no.

that's all I've got. the rest of my response would be unintelligible screaming and lots of tears. h would be sorry he even remotely entertained the idea.

[stretchad]

Nov 30, 2014 23:21:37 GMT -5 caidan said:

Nov 30, 2014 23:15:58 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

What is preventing you from shutting this down?

I dont like my MIL, so I thought maybe I was being irrational for being upset about it. I am hoping that once we get to the hospital and have this child, he will come to his senses without me having to turn into a bitch about it. 

Also even if this is something I am justifiably uset about, I know I am over sensitive right now due to the fact that I am missing my own mom who died 2 years ago. And missing what she would be doing for me to help as opposed to what wont be with MIL.  

Don't wait to get to the hospital to see what decision your DH makes! Just tell him right now that dinner at his mom's is a no go, because you're bringing a NEW HUMAN BEING HOME! This trumps meeting a new GF. WTF! Shut it down now, don't wait until the hospital! 

[lolo]

I just explained the scenario to H in a neutral way. He gave me a horrified look when I told him about your H spending 'only an hour.'

He said: 'how about she comes to them? That's the most supportive thing for everyone involved.'

He adds, 'oh and she should also bring food and change a diaper.'

Winner!

[pinotgrig]

Yes, it would. This is a totally bizarre request.

[dulcemariamar]

I don't think that is a good idea just based on safety alone. I was so dizzy and weak the first few days after delivery and it would have been dangerous to have been left alone with the baby

[thejen626]

Oh helllll no.

And I'm very sorry about your Mom. I hope you can find some peace while you have your newborn baby.

[curbsideprophet]

I would not wait until the hospital to get this resolved. I would be discussing it immediately. I would be beyond livid if he thought he could just leave me home alone with a 3 day old and a 4 year old so he could go chill with his family for dinner.

Sorry about your mom.

[jewel]

I would approach your husband, immediatley, as if you both know he was just humoring her in the moment. "H, isn't that funny how your crazy mom thought you might actually leave your recovering wife and newborn home alone? Lol"

Your MIL is nuts to suggest this, but your husband has a death wish if he takes her up on it.

[zeewifeandmama]

Yes.

[bowies]

Your MIL is deranged, but this is a husband problem. He needs to find a backbone and fast.

I hope that new girlfriend is taking notes.

[zarapipe]

Hell no.

Well maybe if he brought your older daughter, maybe, just maybe depending on how you were feeling so you could get some quiet time. You should he able to make the call. Whatever you want him to do, you are the boss.

[ECB]

Dinner w/ the GF can wait. Your DH clearly needs to be at home with you. yes- shut this down. If he doesn't "get" why this is an issue, then this is a DH problem. But I hope that once he steps away and YOU talk to him, he'll realize that of course the right answer is to stay home.

[rugbywife]

I would not be waiting until the hospital to figure this out because, chances are, your DH will not realize what you hope he will and you will be (rightfully) upset, at a time when you don't need to be upset.

I find that men with mothers like this tend to just give in to their mothers rather than fight, because they have learned over time that arguing is a PITA and it is just easier to give them what they want. Thing is, that was fine and well when these choices only affected them. Now his choices affect you and your family.

Sit him down, don't explain yourself in any way, shape, or form - you shouldn't have to. You just say…I will be coming home with a brand spanking new baby. I expect you to be there, this is not an evening you can spend at your parents. No discussion.

edited for a horrible grammatical error.

[Velar Fricative]

I was ready to come in here and say, "Well, it's not your H's problem that your MIL asked him this question since I'm sure he shut that shit down," but 1) He did not shut that shit down and this is likely not the first time he has been super nice to his mother at the expense of his wife and child(ren), 2) no respectful person would even ask such a question if someone ever shut that shit down before, and 3) he has an older child so it's not like you could blame lack of experience with a newborn for his answer of "an hour or so." And even then, that's a terrible excuse because it's YOUR FIRST NIGHT HOME. Jesus.

[ohgillian]

MIL fail.

[livinitup]

Nov 30, 2014 22:02:37 GMT -5 caidan said:

She did offer to send me a plate home, but the meal she is planning is not one that I eat. SO I told her not to worry about that part. 

I have to ask about this - she already set the menu, and knowing you are home (FIRST DAY!) with a newborn, PLANNED to cook something that is entirely inappropriate for you, but yet, offered to send it home for you?

There must be a back story here. And if the invitation wasn't offensive enough, I have to ask if this is an ongoing issue. And power struggle.

[gibbinator]

This whole thing is insane.
If she'd said something like "I really want brother to meet his new niece/nephew and since they're in town this weekend how about we come up to your house, I'll bring a meal you can eat, and we'll only stay for an hour" then I can see being annoyed if you don't like her but she'd be coming from a loving place of wanting everyone to meet the new baby (because everything should be centering around you and the baby for a while).

But every part of her invitation gets a giant wtf from me. No, of course your dh is going to stay home (assuming he enjoys living) because you just had a freaking baby! What if you have a c/s? Nothing is set in stone. Ridiculous!

[caidan]

Dec 1, 2014 9:04:36 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Nov 30, 2014 22:02:37 GMT -5 caidan said:

She did offer to send me a plate home, but the meal she is planning is not one that I eat. SO I told her not to worry about that part. 

I have to ask about this - she already set the menu, and knowing you are home (FIRST DAY!) with a newborn, PLANNED to cook something that is entirely inappropriate for you, but yet, offered to send it home for you?

There must be a back story here. And if the invitation wasn't offensive enough, I have to ask if this is an ongoing issue. And power struggle.

Out of town gf happens to be coming to town this weekend. Younger brother wants her to make a meal for them. Which is fine. MIL thinks she is being nice by offering for us/ h to come to dinner.

In regards to what she planned to eat..She doesn't ever remember what anyone likes to eat or not, and is always making things that people do't eat when we have dinner. She truely just doesn't think about other people.

She is passive aggressive and an idiot. She is a person who only thinks about what she wants and doesn't listen to other people ever. We have gotten to the point where telling her anything doesn't work. She is also in a place with me were every action she does is just wrong. I usually avoid her as much as I can. 

[caidan]

Dec 1, 2014 9:24:57 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

Dec 1, 2014 9:04:36 GMT -5 livinitup said:

I have to ask about this - she already set the menu, and knowing you are home (FIRST DAY!) with a newborn, PLANNED to cook something that is entirely inappropriate for you, but yet, offered to send it home for you?

There must be a back story here. And if the invitation wasn't offensive enough, I have to ask if this is an ongoing issue. And power struggle.

Well obviously the OP is a horrible DIL and therefore doesn't deserve her husband to be home and doesn't deserve to eat. And her H must agree.
This girlfriend must be amazing.

In her eyes I probably am I horrible DIL, I am not religious enough for her ( or really at all) and I don't send my 4 year old to Catholic school. And I haven't joined the mother's prayer group she runs. So yes I am pretty bad. 

[mdana]

Dec 1, 2014 9:57:15 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

Dec 1, 2014 9:56:07 GMT -5 caidan said:

In her eyes I probably am I horrible DIL, I am not religious enough for her ( or really at all) and I don't send my 4 year old to Catholic school. And I haven't joined the mother's prayer group she runs. So yes I am pretty bad. 

OMG you are practically microwaving rabbits. Now it all makes sense.

I just snorted water out of my nose. Thanks.

And OP, shut that shit down. My MIL is similarly passive aggressive and also thoughtless, and the only thing that comes mildly close to working with her is flat out, explicit NOs. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Odonata]

I didn't realize my MIL had any other sons....

Though our relationship has improved, my MIL was notorious for trying to wedge herself between me and H. She would pull shit like this always under the guise of "helping" or something innocent. I have no other advice but to agree with everyone else - she is manipulative and this is her way to maintain control. Boundaries need to be set AND they have to come from H. They can't come from you because they won't hold any weight.

[Odonata]

Dec 1, 2014 8:04:57 GMT -5 rugbywife said:

I would not be waiting until the hospital to figure this out because, chances are, your DH will not realize what you hope he will and you will be (rightfully) upset, at a time when you don't need to be upset.

I find that men with mothers like this tend to just give in to their mothers rather than fight, because they have learned over time that arguing is a PITA and it is just easier to give them what they want. Thing is, that was fine and well when these choices only affected them. Now his choices affect you and your family.

Sit him down, don't explain yourself in any way, shape, or form - you shouldn't have to. You just say…I will be coming home with a brand spanking new baby. I expect you to be there, this is not an evening you can spend at your parents. No discussion.

edited for a horrible grammatical error.

I cannot support that bold part enough.  H's response to his mom over the years was to just give in and avoid rocking the boat.  It turned out that everyone in the family did this - FIL even said to me "MIL get's her way, that's just how it is".

Once H started saying NO to his mom she began to back off (though she still pushes boundaries, the aftermath has become less when we stand firm!)

[ilikedonuts]

Dec 1, 2014 10:12:06 GMT -5 Odonata said:

Dec 1, 2014 8:04:57 GMT -5 rugbywife said:

I would not be waiting until the hospital to figure this out because, chances are, your DH will not realize what you hope he will and you will be (rightfully) upset, at a time when you don't need to be upset.

I find that men with mothers like this tend to just give in to their mothers rather than fight, because they have learned over time that arguing is a PITA and it is just easier to give them what they want. Thing is, that was fine and well when these choices only affected them. Now his choices affect you and your family.

Sit him down, don't explain yourself in any way, shape, or form - you shouldn't have to. You just say…I will be coming home with a brand spanking new baby. I expect you to be there, this is not an evening you can spend at your parents. No discussion.

edited for a horrible grammatical error.

I cannot support that bold part enough.  H's response to his mom over the years was to just give in and avoid rocking the boat.  It turned out that everyone in the family did this - FIL even said to me "MIL get's her way, that's just how it is".

Once H started saying NO to his mom she began to back off (though she still pushes boundaries, the aftermath has become less when we stand firm!)

This is exactly what happened with my MIL. I think it was a big shock to her system to learn she wasn't the head bitch in town anymore. (My husband is an only child so she was REALLY used to running the show with him and FIL) She's gotten a lot better. Mainly out of fear because she's afraid to piss me off. Fine by me haha

[cinnamoncox]

She's insane. She's a controlling manipulator.

Please, don't wait to see how it goes, or wait until Friday for him to decide. Tell him today he is staying home with his wife and children where he belongs.
And please, don't let him or anyone make this about your pp hormones or the loss of your mom (I'm so very sorry). People looking in see this for the insanity that it is, and none (or very few) of us posting are two days post partum. So it's not a crazy hormone thing, it's reality. Don't let them make you feel it's your hormones, see? It's nuts for anyone to even think this makes any sense at all.
Your mil is an asshole, I'm sorry. I hope your h sees this is not ok and stays home. Fuck this an hour or two bullshit.
Since you're having a c section, you are going to NEED him, more so than a vag delivery, you won't be able to move around with ease. I'm mad for you, I hope it all works out. Good luck tomorrow!

[Deleted]

Wtf?! This would absolutely bother me and even more, it bothers me that she thinks it was ok to even ask or suggest this. She should be offering to prepare something you like and bringing it to you. Now asling you or your husband to come to dinner at her house!!! And leave you alone with the new baby. Seriously, wtf.

[rugbywife]

Dec 1, 2014 10:12:06 GMT -5 Odonata said:

Dec 1, 2014 8:04:57 GMT -5 rugbywife said:

I would not be waiting until the hospital to figure this out because, chances are, your DH will not realize what you hope he will and you will be (rightfully) upset, at a time when you don't need to be upset.

I find that men with mothers like this tend to just give in to their mothers rather than fight, because they have learned over time that arguing is a PITA and it is just easier to give them what they want. Thing is, that was fine and well when these choices only affected them. Now his choices affect you and your family.

Sit him down, don't explain yourself in any way, shape, or form - you shouldn't have to. You just say…I will be coming home with a brand spanking new baby. I expect you to be there, this is not an evening you can spend at your parents. No discussion.

edited for a horrible grammatical error.

I cannot support that bold part enough.  H's response to his mom over the years was to just give in and avoid rocking the boat.  It turned out that everyone in the family did this - FIL even said to me "MIL get's her way, that's just how it is".

Once H started saying NO to his mom she began to back off (though she still pushes boundaries, the aftermath has become less when we stand firm!)

I should probably clarify - I don't know this because of my MIL, my MIL is LOVELY…but because of other relationships I have seen and people I have spoken to.  

[Odonata]

Dec 1, 2014 10:17:01 GMT -5 rugbywife said:

Dec 1, 2014 10:12:06 GMT -5 Odonata said:

I cannot support that bold part enough.  H's response to his mom over the years was to just give in and avoid rocking the boat.  It turned out that everyone in the family did this - FIL even said to me "MIL get's her way, that's just how it is".

Once H started saying NO to his mom she began to back off (though she still pushes boundaries, the aftermath has become less when we stand firm!)

I should probably clarify - I don't know this because of my MIL, my MIL is LOVELY…but because of other relationships I have seen and people I have spoken to.  

But you hit the nail right on the head!