I just don't understand turning down birthday party invites, especially at young ages. Someone else is offering to entertain my child and all it costs me is a gift, which I am always happy to buy.
We've been invited to 8 parties in 3 months (yea, I counted), and I only have 2 kids. At $20 a gift that's $160 bucks. That's a lot for our family, especially for kids/parents we don't really know. We can swing it, but it means sacrificing, and that's not always worth it. And there are plenty of families that can't swing it.
I hear you. We are on a tight budget and sometimes the financial stars are misaligned and it's hard. And I only have one kid old enough to go to parties. I hadn't really considered multiple children. I posted before I thought it all through.
Uh, I'm kind of side-eyeing the fact that she was crushed by someone replying they had too short notice on the THIRD round of invitations. I skimmed, but when was this third round sent out? The week before? Sorry, but obviously your third-string guest wasn't important to you in the first place. If you anticipated people turning down invitations again, send out all the damn invitations you want at once.
And I hope that she didn't send multiple rounds of invitations to kids in his class. I think at age 7, which is first or second grade, I'd lean towards the "whole class" or all the boys in the class rule, or whatever. I can absolutely see the parents of two kids talking. "Are you going to Casey's party?" "Uh, what party?" *Invitation shows up 1.5 weeks later.* Um, yeah, can't make it.
The way I understood it was that it wasn't a third string guest. It was a third reminder. The first two invitations had been completely ignored. It's the same guest list who got three invitations at different intervals.
I agree her wording is confusing. She used the phrase "after the third round of invitees" which made me think it was a third set of people. I also don't know why you'd send 3 invitations for the same thing to the same people instead of just setting an RSVP date and then calling to follow up if they don't respond. I've never had that happen.
I want to know what "short notice" is here. If she invited these people three days before the party then no, you don't get to cry and whine about how someone said they couldn't come.
I just don't understand turning down birthday party invites, especially at young ages. Someone else is offering to entertain my child and all it costs me is a gift, which I am always happy to buy.
We've been invited to 8 parties in 3 months (yea, I counted), and I only have 2 kids. At $20 a gift that's $160 bucks. That's a lot for our family, especially for kids/parents we don't really know. We can swing it, but it means sacrificing, and that's not always worth it. And there are plenty of families that can't swing it.
I finally put a limit on the number of birthday parties my kids could attend during any given school year because the cost was getting completely out of control. Fortunately they are now in the age group where the whole "invite the entire class" thing seems to have died down, but for a while there I was tearing my hair out at the number of invitations they received.
I will say, though, that SST once went to a classmate's birthday party and she was the only other kid there who wasn't family We almost didn't go because we had been to like five birthday parties that month already, and we were partied out, but he had come to her party so we felt like we ought to go to his. I was so glad that we went, but I wanted to cry
I just don't understand turning down birthday party invites, especially at young ages. Someone else is offering to entertain my child and all it costs me is a gift, which I am always happy to buy.
Two hours of socializing with other parents I don't know is so, so painful for me.
I can't wait until they're old enough for drop off parties.
This is really hard. I think by 7 years old, kids get more selective. They want to attend the parties of their friends and vice versa invite their friends to their parties. I think this is normal and healthy. This mom has not met many of these kid's parent's, so I assuming her kid doesn't see his classmates outside of school much. This is a natural reason for exclusion.
I also want to say that at about $20 a pop for gifts( and I am on the cheap end from parties I attend it appears) that adds up if they are clumped together. I mean, it isn't super expensive, but it is a monetary consideration on a kid that my kid may not really know. I feel bad for the mom, but I am glad she wished up and will make sure that her son enjoys heHimslef and that he may do so in a way she doesn't see.
Uh, I'm kind of side-eyeing the fact that she was crushed by someone replying they had too short notice on the THIRD round of invitations. I skimmed, but when was this third round sent out? The week before? Sorry, but obviously your third-string guest wasn't important to you in the first place. If you anticipated people turning down invitations again, send out all the damn invitations you want at once.
And I hope that she didn't send multiple rounds of invitations to kids in his class. I think at age 7, which is first or second grade, I'd lean towards the "whole class" or all the boys in the class rule, or whatever. I can absolutely see the parents of two kids talking. "Are you going to Casey's party?" "Uh, what party?" *Invitation shows up 1.5 weeks later.* Um, yeah, can't make it.
The way I understood it was that it wasn't a third string guest. It was a third reminder. The first two invitations had been completely ignored. It's the same guest list who got three invitations at different intervals.
I don't think so because she admits that it was "rather late" when she sent the invitation but she wanted them to still come anyway.
I just don't understand turning down birthday party invites, especially at young ages. Someone else is offering to entertain my child and all it costs me is a gift, which I am always happy to buy.
Two hours of socializing with other parents I don't know is so, so painful for me.
I can't wait until they're old enough for drop off parties.
You don't enjoy passive aggressive mommy wars, tales of oneupsmanship, and stories about hunting? Okay so you probably don't get the hunting stories lol. Oh and the talk of the latest tech devices the kids just have to have and why you've given up on getting your child to do their homework and just write their papers for them.
Maybe I'm projecting, but I have just been way too busy to accept party invites for my kids' classmates in preschool so far. Weekends have been sacred time to see my kids when I'm not buried in homework.
It seems a lot of assumptions are being made where there may not be any ill will whatsoever, but with that said maybe she is right and I will be mindful of this with future invites after school is over and I get my life back.
I agree.
I've got a 12 yr old and not every kid comes to her parties. Mainly because of this:
"I don't know for sure because I've not met many of them. "
As militant as I am, I know that kids aren't coming because my daughter is black. LOL They aren't coming because they don't know who I am. In the cases where kids did show up - either I knew the parent from a previous class or the kid practically BEGGED the parent to let them come. Last year, we threw a dance party. It was manned by four adults. A parent called because she wanted to know who was going to watch the kids. I told her that it would be me, my H, and my two BFFs. But, that was the first and only conversation I had with the mom.
On our end, we haven't gone to the 1st party we had an invite for because we had another party that day. So, it's not to blow anyone off, we just had other stuff going on. And if kids are as over-scheduled as we say they are, you can't hand me a note on Tuesday about a party on Saturday and expect me to be there. Sorry.
Two hours of socializing with other parents I don't know is so, so painful for me.
I can't wait until they're old enough for drop off parties.
You don't enjoy passive aggressive mommy wars, tales of oneupsmanship, and stories about hunting? Okay so you probably don't get the hunting stories lol. Oh and the talk of the latest tech devices the kids just have to have and why you've given up on getting your child to do their homework and just write their papers for them.
Let me tell you about how much I LOVE discussing the treadmills at various gyms, as well as which subdivisions are the best in the county and who lives in which one and what social events they have each year and did you know that Marcy didn't even join the country club and why live in that neighborhood if you aren't going to join and OH MY GOD SHOOT ME NOW
I agree that this very likely isn't about his autism at all. People are busy. I also wonder if having so many ways to communicate with each other makes it hard to communicate to the group you're trying to reach effectively. We moved to a new state this year. I invited a bunch of people we met through church to DD's birthday party. I sent evites since email was the preferred communication method where I lived before. Hardly anyone responded and I am not convinced all of them even check their email regularly. In retrospect I may have gotten a better response if I had gone through FB. I was bummed we didn't get a better turnout. DD had a blast though, and that's all that really matters.
You don't enjoy passive aggressive mommy wars, tales of oneupsmanship, and stories about hunting? Okay so you probably don't get the hunting stories lol. Oh and the talk of the latest tech devices the kids just have to have and why you've given up on getting your child to do their homework and just write their papers for them.
Let me tell you about how much I LOVE discussing the treadmills at various gyms, as well as which subdivisions are the best in the county and who lives in which one and what social events they have each year and did you know that Marcy didn't even join the country club and why live in that neighborhood if you aren't going to join and OH MY GOD SHOOT ME NOW
this is why i LOVE my GS troop moms. they are the most normal people i've ever met. when G was redistricted i stayed with her old troop because i love them so.
Post by penguingrrl on Dec 5, 2014 12:36:55 GMT -5
I feel bad for that mother, but I wonder if it was a snub or not. I mean, we try to make all the parties we're invited to, but between family plans, extracurriculars and the cost of presents we don't always accept every invitation. This makes me realize also that neither of my kids has been invited to a party since we moved this year. I have yet to meet a single classmate or their parent and have no real way to (Julia has given out my phone number and email address to friends to arrange playdates, but nobody has responded). I think we live in a far less social world as far as kids playing together outside of school.
I just don't understand turning down birthday party invites, especially at young ages. Someone else is offering to entertain my child and all it costs me is a gift, which I am always happy to buy.
Two hours of socializing with other parents I don't know is so, so painful for me.Â
I can't wait until they're old enough for drop off parties.Â
When Ben was younger, I used to make DH come with me so I'd have someone to talk to. They are painful. It's even worse when it's your kid's party and you feel like you have to entertain all those parents - or at least not be too awkward. Yes, drop off parties are the best.
Also, speaking from experience, I'm pretty sure she's right about autism being a factor. If my DD did not have autism, I think her relationships with her classmates would be entirely different. She would have a BFF or two like most of the kids in her class, she would have varying levels of friendship with the other kids on a more typical basis, and it's pretty safe to say that at least some number of other kids would be vested in their relationship with her because of her level of engagement with them. I see it with my DD2, who is neurotypical.
Does that mean everyone would come to her birthday? Nope. I don't think this mom expects everyone to come either, but the level of response does tell you something about your kid's relationships with others. If you take autism out of the equation, a child is more capable of forming his/her own friendships and maintaining them in typical ways that would naturally mean a few friends showing up a birthday party because they're vested in that relationship. That natural ability to form friendships is exactly what is missing when you're talking about autism, and yes, it comes out in ways like how many kids show up at their birthday parties.
My kids always go unless we have plans. I suck at small talk and am incredibly awkward around strangers, so these kinds of things are painful for me, but I want my kids to be the kind of people who show up for friends.
edit: sorry if this is coming off holier than thou. I didn't mean for it to be that way at all. I think it is shitty that these people didn't bother to RSVP. I think they are setting a bad example for their kids to just blow off another child's birthday party. I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate the same done to their kid.
Also-- I'm sad that finances keep people from going to parties. I would hate for a friend to not come to our parties because they can't afford a gift. Is there a way to make that clear? I've typically been of the mindset that "no gifts please" is not appropriate on an invitation, but again, I would much rather someone come and play and not wreck their budget than not come at all.
Also, speaking from experience, I'm pretty sure she's right about autism being a factor. If my DD did not have autism, I think her relationships with her classmates would be entirely different. She would have a BFF or two like most of the kids in her class, she would have varying levels of friendship with the other kids on a more typical basis, and it's pretty safe to say that at least some number of other kids would be vested in their relationship with her because of her level of engagement with them. I see it with my DD2, who is neurotypical.
Does that mean everyone would come to her birthday? Nope. I don't think this mom expects everyone to come either, but the level of response does tell you something about your kid's relationships with others. If you take autism out of the equation, a child is more capable of forming his/her own friendships and maintaining them in typical ways that would naturally mean a few friends showing up a birthday party because they're vested in that relationship. That natural ability to form friendships is exactly what is missing when you're talking about autism, and yes, it comes out in ways like how many kids show up at their birthday parties.
I'm sorry to hear that. That sucks. Do you mind if I ask a question? I thought autistic kids tended to get overwhelmed when there's a lot going on. I knew a family with a couple of non-verbal autistic girls and the holidays were very hard for the girls since there is so much going on and a lot of stimulation. Is this not generally the case? I would have thought that big birthday party would be too much for an autistic child.
I just don't understand turning down birthday party invites, especially at young ages. Someone else is offering to entertain my child and all it costs me is a gift, which I am always happy to buy.
Two hours of socializing with other parents I don't know is so, so painful for me.
I can't wait until they're old enough for drop off parties.
The only classmate birthday party DS has been invited to was a drop off party. I was so happy when I arrived and the mom said "okay, come back in about 2-3 hours!" And this was 5 year olds.
Also, speaking from experience, I'm pretty sure she's right about autism being a factor. If my DD did not have autism, I think her relationships with her classmates would be entirely different. She would have a BFF or two like most of the kids in her class, she would have varying levels of friendship with the other kids on a more typical basis, and it's pretty safe to say that at least some number of other kids would be vested in their relationship with her because of her level of engagement with them. I see it with my DD2, who is neurotypical.
Does that mean everyone would come to her birthday? Nope. I don't think this mom expects everyone to come either, but the level of response does tell you something about your kid's relationships with others. If you take autism out of the equation, a child is more capable of forming his/her own friendships and maintaining them in typical ways that would naturally mean a few friends showing up a birthday party because they're vested in that relationship. That natural ability to form friendships is exactly what is missing when you're talking about autism, and yes, it comes out in ways like how many kids show up at their birthday parties.
I'm sorry to hear that. That sucks. Do you mind if I ask a question? I thought autistic kids tended to get overwhelmed when there's a lot going on. I knew a family with a couple of non-verbal autistic girls and the holidays were very hard for the girls since there is so much going on and a lot of stimulation. Is this not generally the case? I would have thought that big birthday party would be too much for an autistic child.
Also, speaking from experience, I'm pretty sure she's right about autism being a factor. If my DD did not have autism, I think her relationships with her classmates would be entirely different. She would have a BFF or two like most of the kids in her class, she would have varying levels of friendship with the other kids on a more typical basis, and it's pretty safe to say that at least some number of other kids would be vested in their relationship with her because of her level of engagement with them. I see it with my DD2, who is neurotypical.
Does that mean everyone would come to her birthday? Nope. I don't think this mom expects everyone to come either, but the level of response does tell you something about your kid's relationships with others. If you take autism out of the equation, a child is more capable of forming his/her own friendships and maintaining them in typical ways that would naturally mean a few friends showing up a birthday party because they're vested in that relationship. That natural ability to form friendships is exactly what is missing when you're talking about autism, and yes, it comes out in ways like how many kids show up at their birthday parties.
I'm sorry to hear that. That sucks. Do you mind if I ask a question? I thought autistic kids tended to get overwhelmed when there's a lot going on. I knew a family with a couple of non-verbal autistic girls and the holidays were very hard for the girls since there is so much going on and a lot of stimulation. Is this not generally the case? I would have thought that big birthday party would be too much for an autistic child.
It 100% depends on the child. There is no "generally" with autism, IMO, except the social impairment, and even that varies wildly. Yes, many kids on the spectrum have sensory issues of one kind or another but sometimes that actually means kids crave stimulation. My kid? Nope, a big party wouldn't bother her in the least. We had her birthday last year at a trampoline place. She plays soccer, goes to bounce house play places, Chuck E. Cheese, even laser tag and would be fine with the level of stimulation -- she would just come off as more distracted/less focused than other kids, have a slower reaction time and be less likely to, say, run all over an entire playplace exploring as opposed to picking two or three climbing or bouncing routes and do them over and over again. Occasionally she might be bothered by a noise level, but she has never in her life had a meltdown over such a thing.
She is verbal, just learned to ride her bike without training wheels, and is advanced in reading skills. She's very high-functioning for the ASD spectrum, but I can tell you that I still see a huge chasm in how she interacts with other kids vs. what I see her classmates doing. She can communicate, but the level of sophistication is very, very different.
alexis, you should probably read up on autism. There is a spectrum. Some kids can't handle large birthday parties but many kids can, most probably can. And their parents would plan parties accordingly.
Also, speaking from experience, I'm pretty sure she's right about autism being a factor. If my DD did not have autism, I think her relationships with her classmates would be entirely different. She would have a BFF or two like most of the kids in her class, she would have varying levels of friendship with the other kids on a more typical basis, and it's pretty safe to say that at least some number of other kids would be vested in their relationship with her because of her level of engagement with them. I see it with my DD2, who is neurotypical.
Does that mean everyone would come to her birthday? Nope. I don't think this mom expects everyone to come either, but the level of response does tell you something about your kid's relationships with others. If you take autism out of the equation, a child is more capable of forming his/her own friendships and maintaining them in typical ways that would naturally mean a few friends showing up a birthday party because they're vested in that relationship. That natural ability to form friendships is exactly what is missing when you're talking about autism, and yes, it comes out in ways like how many kids show up at their birthday parties.
I'm sorry to hear that. That sucks. Do you mind if I ask a question? I thought autistic kids tended to get overwhelmed when there's a lot going on. I knew a family with a couple of non-verbal autistic girls and the holidays were very hard for the girls since there is so much going on and a lot of stimulation. Is this not generally the case? I would have thought that big birthday party would be too much for an autistic child.
It's different for each kid. My DS loves other kids, parties, fairs, amusement parks, etc. He thrives on that type of energy.
I didn't read this as a "woe is me, my kid has autism" piece as much as a "it would be nice if my kid could have one normal experience" piece. There's so much that has to be modified for kids on the spectrum. I get it. This mom just wants one thing to be typical for him, a birthday party with friends from school.
It happened here a few times. I only invite the twins' friends now. Small party but they enjoy it. They aren't invited to others' parties often though.
I didn't read this as a "woe is me, my kid has autism" piece as much as a "it would be nice if my kid could have one normal experience" piece. There's so much that has to be modified for kids on the spectrum. I get it. This mom just wants one thing to be typical for him, a birthday party with friends from school.
Except that what she's describing absolutely is typical. She just doesn't know it because she's used to her childhood in the 80's and 90's. He had two huge parties chockabock full of friends, family, and neighborhood kids two years in a row. It doesn't get much more normal than that.
I haven't dealt with school parties yet, but daycare parties are all in the same 4 month span around the holidays, and often at inconvenient times or in inconvenient locations. I make a real effort to go to the ones for the kids my kid talks about the most (and, to be frank, for the ones where I like the parents), but I'm not cancelling swim lessons or a family event to attend some all-class invite party. I do make it a point to RSVP regardless, and I appreciate when kids come to my kid's party. So I'm having trouble believing that this was an shunning based upon the fact that her child has autism. It's hard to go to 24ish parties a year, and that's just for one kid. I don't expect 24 kids to come to my kid's party (which is tomorrow) either.
I have no doubt she's correct that her child's autism is A factor in that it is probably harder for her child to form the deeper relationships with classmates that would then cause those classmates to make their parents aware of the party's existence and importance, etc. But to make it all about how he child's "class snubbed him" is excessive.
My kid seems to be well-liked and has no special needs, and only 3 kids from his class came to his birthday party last year. Several didn't respond at all; one backed out an hour before the party. None of the kids that he considered his best friends came.
I think it has much more to do with how overscheduled kids/people are in general, especially given that the author says her son is treated well at school.
My son is in 1st grade, so a similar age. I can't think of anyone in his class whose party he wouldn't *want* to attend, and I really don't think they've stratified into weird kids/ nerds/ jocks yet. He considers everyone in his class to be his friend.
I don't think the low attendance is as much about her or her kid as she's making it out to be, though I absolutely understand how much it stings.
I didn't read this as a "woe is me, my kid has autism" piece as much as a "it would be nice if my kid could have one normal experience" piece. There's so much that has to be modified for kids on the spectrum. I get it. This mom just wants one thing to be typical for him, a birthday party with friends from school.
Except that what she's describing absolutely is typical. She just doesn't know it because she's used to her childhood in the 80's and 90's. He had two huge parties chockabock full of friends, family, and neighborhood kids two years in a row. It doesn't get much more normal than that.
IME it is not typical to invite an entire class of kids and not have a single one show up. It may be a schedule thing. It may be a money thing. It may be an autism thing. It stings either way.
It's great that she has such fantastic family and neighborhood to invite and show up. I'm glad her son had a good time.