alexis, you should probably read up on autism. There is a spectrum. Some kids can't handle large birthday parties but many kids can, most probably can. And their parents would plan parties accordingly.
You're right, I should. I have known a few families over the years with autistic children, some high functioning, some not. Being overwhelmed by a lot of activity seemed common to the kids I have known.
FWIW, if invited to a party for a SN kid, I would assume that the parents would plan a party best suited to the needs and personality of their child. I would happily invite their kid to our party.
Here is another reason to not attend: $$ for gifts. My kids were invited to a lot of parties. I wanted them to be able to go but we could not afford gifts for all of them and going empty handed wasn't an option. The kids often wanted specific items or types of items, the most I could swing was $20 a gift and honestly had a hard time finding things that weren't junk that fit the recipient's interests and my budget.
Additionally, we were busy with our own things and fitting in 2,3 or sometimes 4 hours for 1 kid's party that wasn't family, just didn't work. It was never about the parents hosting it or the kid it was for.
Maybe I'm projecting, but I have just been way too busy to accept party invites for my kids' classmates in preschool so far. Weekends have been sacred time to see my kids when I'm not buried in homework.
It seems a lot of assumptions are being made where there may not be any ill will whatsoever, but with that said maybe she is right and I will be mindful of this with future invites after school is over and I get my life back.
I think a huge part of it is that school friends are no longer neighborhood kids. We don't know each other's parents, we aren't playing in the same little leagues, seeing these kids out on the street all of time, etc.
So you want me to put aside my weekend plans (which now involved working for a lot of parents than it did when most of us were kids), put my kids in the car, find a babysitter for the ones who weren't invited, buy a present, find your new planned neighborhood on the GPS (good luck) and hope your gated community has the gate open on Saturday afternoon so I can sit around with a bunch of parents I don't know and eat terrible grocery store cake?
I wish I were nicer than that. But I'm kind of not. Unless it's really good cake. I need someone to put that on the invitation.
Pinky loses invitations too. She'll tell me, oh I was totally invited and then three weeks later (and the thursday before a Saturday party) I'll get the invitation.
Nailed it.
Throw in a parents who sit in an office 40+ hours a week and we feel completely removed from anything our children are wrapped up in with school.
The only connection I have with my daughter's teachers and parent volunteers are through email. I don't know her classmates, their parents or whether a child has autism or not.
So when I get an Evite sent out from a parent who basically got the list from the teacher, I really don't care to go to the party. I like my weekends with my family, not standing awkwardly at a park with strangers and relatives of the unknown child.
This has nothing about the child being SN, it has to do with whether I feel like sharing my time with strangers. Most of the time my husband and I sort of stand there interacting with our own kids and then we bail.
Uh, I'm kind of side-eyeing the fact that she was crushed by someone replying they had too short notice on the THIRD round of invitations. I skimmed, but when was this third round sent out? The week before? Sorry, but obviously your third-string guest wasn't important to you in the first place. If you anticipated people turning down invitations again, send out all the damn invitations you want at once.
And I hope that she didn't send multiple rounds of invitations to kids in his class. I think at age 7, which is first or second grade, I'd lean towards the "whole class" or all the boys in the class rule, or whatever. I can absolutely see the parents of two kids talking. "Are you going to Casey's party?" "Uh, what party?" *Invitation shows up 1.5 weeks later.* Um, yeah, can't make it.
Seriously. And she completely missed the point with the 'short notice' comment. The woman wasn't calling her out on her party planning skills she was speaking up about the outrageous rudeness of having a C list for a birthday party. She should have been more obvious, I guess, and said "I know what you're doing and MY CHILD is no one's alternate!". Maybe THAT she would've gotten?
Post by whattheheck on Dec 5, 2014 14:50:41 GMT -5
I wish people were more comfortable saying that they are not in a position to bring a gift but their child would like to attend the party. I've had to say that more than once. Why should my kid miss out on a party with their friends because I am on a budget? And these days, at least in my circle, most kids don't open gifts at parties so no one really knows if I brought a gift or not. The economy sucks. No one should be ashamed of being mindful of their budget.
After the first round of invitations were greeted with silence, I refused to be defeated, so I sent out another round. And another. Which is why the note chastising me for such "short notice" to the party was a blow. I had planned well in advance, but by the third round of invitees it was indeed, as the mother had so helpfully pointed out, "short notice" for a birthday party invitation.
She says the third round of invitees, not the third round of invitations. Make me believe it was a "C lister" who declined the late invitation.
I wish people were more comfortable saying that they are not in a position to bring a gift but their child would like to attend the party. I've had to say that more than once. Why should my kid miss out on a party with their friends because I am on a budget? And these days, at least in my circle, most kids don't open gifts at parties so no one really knows if I brought a gift or not. The economy sucks. No one should be ashamed of being mindful of their budget.
I would love it if someone said this to me. One of the biggest reasons (besides my social anxiety) that we don't do bigger parties is because my kids don't need 20 new toys in addition to everything they get from family. I also wish it was socially acceptable to ask for no gifts.
Post by EloiseWeenie on Dec 5, 2014 14:56:16 GMT -5
Hunter is in K, and the first week of school, he got 2 birthday party invites. Both parties were at the same venue (45 minutes away), one on Saturday and one on Sunday. Hunter is obsessed with birthday parties, and hid the invitations (because they're like treasure), so I didn't get to RSVP to either. I didn't want him to go, we don't know these kids and it's far away. He went to both, and I'm so happy H took him to the Sunday party because only Hunter and 1 other kid showed up. The only reason we decided to go was because I was terrified nobody would show up (3 kids from class were at the Saturday party and they said they wouldn't do both parties). I get secondary anxiety when it comes to other kids' birthday parties, lol. As a parent, it's tough, because *I* don't want to go to the parties. I really look forward to when I can just drop them off.
I wish people were more comfortable saying that they are not in a position to bring a gift but their child would like to attend the party. I've had to say that more than once. Why should my kid miss out on a party with their friends because I am on a budget? And these days, at least in my circle, most kids don't open gifts at parties so no one really knows if I brought a gift or not. The economy sucks. No one should be ashamed of being mindful of their budget.
We didn't even have a 3rd b-day party for Amelia this year because I didn't want more presents. Also, I don't feel like birthdays have to be a big blow out. My parents came to visit, and her favorite person in the world (12 year old girl that lives in the neighborhood) came for her cookie petit fours.
We're on a budget, and I hate showing up at a party empty handed. I scour Marshall's toy section and have found great learning games (some for <$1 that retail on Amazon for $15).
DD didn't have any one from her class come to her Kindergarten party or First grade party. I'm still traumatized. She hasn't had a birthday invite since preschool.
this happened to G last year. i had invited all of the girls in her class and 1 came. thankfully i had invited her GS troop and they all came. this year i said Fuck It and only invited the GS troop and they had a great time.
I have to share my tale of woe...such a first world problem. Last year ds went to church Prek, invited to all the parties and pretty much every single kid had one. Unfortunately we never really befriended the parents so we don't really still see them. This year he is at the local public school and none of the kids from his old school are there. His class is pretty tough, lots of kids with absentee parents...no one has had any parties that we have been invited to. Anyway, he is ok with everybody but has only made one friend, super nice little boy. Anyways all this week ds has been talking about this boy and how he is having a party and was going to invite him. Yeah it is this weekend and no invitation ever came home in his bag I feel so badly for ds1. He was in the car today and was saying "little boys party is tomorrow. Did we get an invitation " I tried explaining that sometimes the kid might want someone to come, but his parents might not get the message or know how to get an invitation to us but I have no idea what we will do for his birthday in January as wen have had a party every year and we don't have anyone to invite
We're still committed to inviting all my kids' classmates. That may change with DD's 8th birthday in March, but last year she was still into it.
We always do drop off parties, and make that clear up front in the invite. IMHO, that gives the parents the option of treating it like a couple hours' childcare (which it really is). Where we do the parties is close to stores and cafes and the like, so it's not like there's nothing for them to do, even if it's going and sitting somewhere quiet.
So we did DS's last month, there, invited his whole preschool class (maybe 16 kids); made it clear in the invites that it's drop off; made it clear in talking to people (who I see at drop off and pick up) that gifts are not necessary, or can be minimal. Tell those who ask that siblings are welcome. Tell people it's OK if they don't know 100% by RSVP time, just give me a sense of it...
I dunno. I find that if you're flexible and willing and easygoing it all works out in the end. Like maybe 12 of the 16 in his class were there; I think that's a TON for a Saturday afternoon. But they come because it's easy. The harder you make it (location, staying, gifts, prompt/anal RSVPing) the less likely people will show.
We do try to go to all the parties they're invited to. I have to say that staying really is no fun at all (for me) unless it's with actual friends of mine. But those parties have become very very few and far between.
I don't doubt that some of it is because of this child's special needs. But IME, my seven year old still wants to go to any party she's invited to because OMGcakecandypinatafunfunfunOMG. But if the parents make it hard to get/be/do it, that might make it so we can't go. KWIM?
Maybe I'm projecting, but I have just been way too busy to accept party invites for my kids' classmates in preschool so far. Weekends have been sacred time to see my kids when I'm not buried in homework.
It seems a lot of assumptions are being made where there may not be any ill will whatsoever, but with that said maybe she is right and I will be mindful of this with future invites after school is over and I get my life back.
I somewhat agree with you.
I didn't read the rest of the responses after this, but I would guess if the boy is over 8 that it is some of the other kids not wanting to go to a party where the kid isn't their friend and some of families being too busy to go to 20+ birthday parties during the year for classmates. Kids are shallow and sometimes I force mine to branch out, but a lot of times, I just can't fit another birthday party for someone who doesn't hang out with my kid regularly into a weekend of sports, social events, house chores/projects, and personal commitments.
I'm guessing that when your kid doesn't have close school friends that you worry more and stress about that a lot more. The social side of autism is so complex and painful at times.
I would never ever invite the whole class to anything. I don't like people or their children enough. That would be like walking through the circles of hell.
I've always told DD she could invite 5-7 ppl depending on the venue and either they are good friends of hers, or their parents are good friends of mine, so they are coming usually.
We are also only invited to the parties of the same people so it works out, alright. And I usually let DD decide if she wants to go. She is super sensitive and her being at a party where other children or the birthday child aren't nice to her is a disaster for her and she holds onto that sadness for days sometimes.
Sidenote: She JUST came home from a Christmas party where I know the kid who invited her is evil-ish. The mom is super nice and I know she pushed for DD to be invited because she wants us to be friends. DD couldn't wait to get out of there and was in tears when I picked her up. I told the mom, "look, your kid doesn't like mine. That is what it is. Let's not keep doing this. You and I can still be friends." The mom was so sad. I don't know why I'm saying this. Well, I guess it is that I totally want to be supportive of everyone, but if my kid is going to get her feelings hurt by this person and isn't old enough to understand, then I'm not sending her. As long as everyone is friendly, my kid will always want to go because...cake.
this is fitting considering i have an b-day party invite that i have to RSVP to by tomorrow. i want LB to go but then i have to buy a present and not get a duplicate, worry about if i have to stay the entire time, drag YD with me, and then pretend to talk to other parents when the b-day girl's mom was a bitch to me at the field trip.
blreg
That is a no-go party IMO. Mom was rude to you in a classroom setting... yeah, no.
Plus aren't you at the age of the drop and go? I love this age... for all K+ parties we've done that. Even the horders house I left DS#2 at so I could go sit in a parking lot with coffee and surf the internet alone. [Don't call CPS.]
Sidenote: She JUST came home from a Christmas party where I know the kid who invited her is evil-ish. The mom is super nice and I know she pushed for DD to be invited because she wants us to be friends. DD couldn't wait to get out of there and was in tears when I picked her up. I told the mom, "look, your kid doesn't like mine. That is what it is. Let's not keep doing this. You and I can still be friends." The mom was so sad. I don't know why I'm saying this. Well, I guess it is that I totally want to be supportive of everyone, but if my kid is going to get her feelings hurt by this person and isn't old enough to understand, then I'm not sending her. As long as everyone is friendly, my kid will always want to go because...cake.
Your poor DD. And you have a steel vagina. I would think about telling the mom this, but probably never say that out loud.
Post by rootbeerfloat on Dec 5, 2014 15:24:39 GMT -5
We've never had the problem of being invited to too many parties; maybe my kids are just not that popular, lol. But from that perspective, we try to attend everything they're invited to even though they are not personally enjoyable to me. In fact, H usually accompanies them because he's friendlier. DD was invited to one party this year that she didn't want to attend, but we made her. Once we got to the party, I realized all the other kids there were all the bday girls' close buddies, except for DD. She had fun eventually, but it was a weird party for other reasons, and I decided then to take her feelings into account.
Post by karinothing on Dec 5, 2014 15:27:23 GMT -5
This all makes me sad. We have been extremely lucky and DS entire daycare class comes to his parties. I am paranoid about people not coming which its why we always end uo with 60 people since i over invite.
I also made sure to make good friends with all the other moms (which had actually been great). But i guess u just find people really receptive to party invites here. I guess we are very lucky.
I just don't understand turning down birthday party invites, especially at young ages. Someone else is offering to entertain my child and all it costs me is a gift, which I am always happy to buy.
We've been invited to 8 parties in 3 months (yea, I counted), and I only have 2 kids. At $20 a gift that's $160 bucks. That's a lot for our family, especially for kids/parents we don't really know. We can swing it, but it means sacrificing, and that's not always worth it. And there are plenty of families that can't swing it.
I would love to go to all of the parties my preschool aged girls are invited to, but they're twins. So I have to give two gifts (or a larger gift card if doing gift card) since I know the parents paid for each to attend those party places, and honestly, I can't afford it. At all. So I've unfortunately just gone to the ones (only a handful) that I think they really have a "friendship" with vs just being invited because they have to invite the whole class. Plus sometimes I just want to veg on a Saturday.
alexis, you should probably read up on autism. There is a spectrum. Some kids can't handle large birthday parties but many kids can, most probably can. And their parents would plan parties accordingly.
You're right, I should. I have known a few families over the years with autistic children, some high functioning, some not. Being overwhelmed by a lot of activity seemed common to the kids I have known.
FWIW, if invited to a party for a SN kid, I would assume that the parents would plan a party best suited to the needs and personality of their child. I would happily invite their kid to our party.
sorry my answer was so short. i was on my phone and i hate posting from it these days. stupid IOS 8.
FWIW, there are some places that i would assume my kid would be the suck at and he LOVES them. most noteably a huge funplex place with more lights and sounds than you can shake a stick at. i thought he would lose it and he had an absolute blast.
and no worries about preconceived notions about ASD. it happens. no worries
Also, speaking from experience, I'm pretty sure she's right about autism being a factor. If my DD did not have autism, I think her relationships with her classmates would be entirely different. She would have a BFF or two like most of the kids in her class, she would have varying levels of friendship with the other kids on a more typical basis, and it's pretty safe to say that at least some number of other kids would be vested in their relationship with her because of her level of engagement with them. I see it with my DD2, who is neurotypical.
Does that mean everyone would come to her birthday? Nope. I don't think this mom expects everyone to come either, but the level of response does tell you something about your kid's relationships with others. If you take autism out of the equation, a child is more capable of forming his/her own friendships and maintaining them in typical ways that would naturally mean a few friends showing up a birthday party because they're vested in that relationship. That natural ability to form friendships is exactly what is missing when you're talking about autism, and yes, it comes out in ways like how many kids show up at their birthday parties.
I'm sorry to hear that. That sucks. Do you mind if I ask a question? I thought autistic kids tended to get overwhelmed when there's a lot going on. I knew a family with a couple of non-verbal autistic girls and the holidays were very hard for the girls since there is so much going on and a lot of stimulation. Is this not generally the case? I would have thought that big birthday party would be too much for an autistic child.
DD has ASD, she is sensory seeking so the chaos of a BDay Party is heaven to her. there is tons to hear/see/do, running and jumping is often completely acceptable so for her this gives her exactly what she needs/wants. She actually does her best at them because she gets her sensory needs filled and is able to focus better. We also usually see a spike in improved speech/eating/behavior post parties. It's also probably why she did so well at WDW. Kids on the spectrum can trend to sensory avoiding (the kids who don't enjoy/can't handle bday parties) or sensory seeking kids who need noise/light/movement so enjoy big events.
Although the mom's tone rubbed me the wrong way, this is definitely one of my biggest fears for my son. He's doing great socially in K, but I'm dreading 3 or 4 years from now when his differences might be more obvious to other kids and we start running into this. I have to admit that part of the reason I do tend to overdo it for his parties is to make sure that it seems awesome and kids come.
I've also made a HUGE effort to get to know the other parents at his school, and form good relationships. Maybe one day the kids won't be excited to come to DS' party, but the family will come because of the relationship that the adults have. We've always had a good turnout among his school friends. But looking at the handful of kids that haven't RSVP'd for his party this year, it's the ones whose parents I don't know. I agree that a huge factor is how well the parents know each other. I like going to birthday parties for other kids, but I haven't been to any since DS' first party in preschool that I haven't known any of the other parents. The last party we went to was drop off, but most of the parents stayed because we were having fun socializing. This mom should probably focus more on strengthening relationships with his classmate's parents rather than planning an over the top party if she really cares about everyone showing up.
I would never ever invite the whole class to anything. I don't like people or their children enough. That would be like walking through the circles of hell.
I've always told DD she could invite 5-7 ppl depending on the venue and either they are good friends of hers, or their parents are good friends of mine, so they are coming usually.
We are also only invited to the parties of the same people so it works out, alright. And I usually let DD decide if she wants to go. She is super sensitive and her being at a party where other children or the birthday child aren't nice to her is a disaster for her and she holds onto that sadness for days sometimes.
Sidenote: She JUST came home from a Christmas party where I know the kid who invited her is evil-ish. The mom is super nice and I know she pushed for DD to be invited because she wants us to be friends. DD couldn't wait to get out of there and was in tears when I picked her up. I told the mom, "look, your kid doesn't like mine. That is what it is. Let's not keep doing this. You and I can still be friends." The mom was so sad. I don't know why I'm saying this. Well, I guess it is that I totally want to be supportive of everyone, but if my kid is going to get her feelings hurt by this person and isn't old enough to understand, then I'm not sending her. As long as everyone is friendly, my kid will always want to go because...cake.
To actually comment, I get what the Mom is TRYING to say. Which I believe is that having none of the school kids show up is another reminder that your kid is atypical and does not make friends the way an NT kid does. Because as someone else pointed out, most NT kids would have more then 2 friends at school who would WANT to be there enough to get their parents to take them.
I just about did back flips this week when DD's daily report included a long comment on how she has made a real friend at school. A friend who she plays with, who seeks DD out to play and DD does the same. not because I care if she has friends (she can be as introverted as she wants) but because it's such a normal part of being in school.
I would never ever invite the whole class to anything. I don't like people or their children enough. That would be like walking through the circles of hell.
I've always told DD she could invite 5-7 ppl depending on the venue and either they are good friends of hers, or their parents are good friends of mine, so they are coming usually.
We are also only invited to the parties of the same people so it works out, alright. And I usually let DD decide if she wants to go. She is super sensitive and her being at a party where other children or the birthday child aren't nice to her is a disaster for her and she holds onto that sadness for days sometimes.
Sidenote: She JUST came home from a Christmas party where I know the kid who invited her is evil-ish. The mom is super nice and I know she pushed for DD to be invited because she wants us to be friends. DD couldn't wait to get out of there and was in tears when I picked her up. I told the mom, "look, your kid doesn't like mine. That is what it is. Let's not keep doing this. You and I can still be friends." The mom was so sad. I don't know why I'm saying this. Well, I guess it is that I totally want to be supportive of everyone, but if my kid is going to get her feelings hurt by this person and isn't old enough to understand, then I'm not sending her. As long as everyone is friendly, my kid will always want to go because...cake.
Who made my baby cry??
Uh oh. That kid better go into witness protection.
Ugh, what drama. The other parent didn't 'chastise' her, she said she was sad they couldn't go. Why is she inviting the neighbor kids as an after thought instead of FIRST?
I just don't understand turning down birthday party invites, especially at young ages. Someone else is offering to entertain my child and all it costs me is a gift, which I am always happy to buy.
Two hours of socializing with other parents I don't know is so, so painful for me.
I can't wait until they're old enough for drop off parties.
This is why h takes them. I get two hours of peace and quiet . Totally worth the 10 bucks on a gift
I would never ever invite the whole class to anything. I don't like people or their children enough. That would be like walking through the circles of hell.
I've always told DD she could invite 5-7 ppl depending on the venue and either they are good friends of hers, or their parents are good friends of mine, so they are coming usually.
We are also only invited to the parties of the same people so it works out, alright. And I usually let DD decide if she wants to go. She is super sensitive and her being at a party where other children or the birthday child aren't nice to her is a disaster for her and she holds onto that sadness for days sometimes.
Sidenote: She JUST came home from a Christmas party where I know the kid who invited her is evil-ish. The mom is super nice and I know she pushed for DD to be invited because she wants us to be friends. DD couldn't wait to get out of there and was in tears when I picked her up. I told the mom, "look, your kid doesn't like mine. That is what it is. Let's not keep doing this. You and I can still be friends." The mom was so sad. I don't know why I'm saying this. Well, I guess it is that I totally want to be supportive of everyone, but if my kid is going to get her feelings hurt by this person and isn't old enough to understand, then I'm not sending her. As long as everyone is friendly, my kid will always want to go because...cake.
Who made my baby cry??
Some child who lives in a constant state of rolling her eyes and being snotty. I never liked her. She let everyone but DD play in her room, so DD spent the whole time playing alone with the dog. Ask me if I'm going to mention it to that child next time her mom asks me to drive her home.
I'm sure the mom thinks it was because of her son's autism, and maybe it is, but things are just different now. When Abby was in preschool, we invited her whole class one year. Two people said they couldn't come. The others didn't bother responding at all. By her last year in preschool, she actually did have several kids show up (although the lady at the ice cream place said at the party before, no one came ). Even at that party, though, there were a couple of people who said they were coming, but then forgot.
Last year, I was so happy when she didn't want a party, and wanted a family outing instead.
She's only received a handful of party invitations, also--in fact, in one, she was a second or third string guest from a former preschool friend, and I took her because I felt bad for the kid and I knew Abby would love it. This last party, I know several invitations went out, and Abby was one of only a couple of classmates who went.
I don't know what it is; I do hate that people don't seem to care about rsvps anymore. Can't come? Okay, fine, but do me the courtesy of saying so.
Hm. Maybe because she is only in preschool and there are only 8 kids in her class, we go to all parties we are invited to. She's actually having a bday party today and everyone we invited, save for one family, is coming. But we always have kid parties (this is only our third, btw) where the adults can have fun too (eg booze and food). I hate going to kids bday parties where there is no food or what is there is just clearly for the kids (cheese sticks and bags of goldfish)! If you are going to make me stand around a bunch of screaming toddlers you better feed me too!!
I just don't understand turning down birthday party invites, especially at young ages. Someone else is offering to entertain my child and all it costs me is a gift, which I am always happy to buy.
My sister went to a birthday party for a four year old recently. The child's mother had hired babysitters to help watch all the kids, had set up various stations (face painting, balloon making, etc) that were additionally staffed, so that the parents could eat tapas and drink cocktails delivered by waiters dressed in tuxes. I think I could handle that kind of party. She also said the cake was amazing. Like a high end wedding cake.