The Day My Son's Class Snubbed His Birthday

[summer]

www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/commentary/ct-autism-birthday-parties-children-parents-school-perspec-1204-jm-20141203-story.html

"It is with sadness that we will have to decline the birthday party invitation for your son," one mother wrote me, "as such short notice was given."



I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Again.



You see, my son Casey has autism, and I had been busily planning all the arrangements for his 7th birthday party for weeks. The cake was ordered, the decorations purchased, the invitations sent out — even the local reptile zoo was booked to do a presentation. When you have a child with special needs you tend to overdo the small memorable events that will make up the fabric of their life, an effort to counterbalance all the crap that will come their way from things you can't control.




So I had been on a bit of a party-preparation bender, stuffing loot bags and hand-making party invitations well in advance of the event. One thing I knew for certain was that this time we would get Casey's classmates out to the party. This time, if I just planned carefully enough in advance, they'd come.



His 6th birthday was a disaster.



Out of a dozen invited classmates, one turned up. Most parents did not even bother to RSVP. We had a fantastic party and a house full of people anyway, and my kid was spoiled beyond compare. A few days before the party I had a feeling that the radio silence from Casey's school meant no one would show up, so I invited a truckload of neighbors and close friends and their kids, and we had some real fun. But afterward I couldn't help but feel sad that only one schoolmate — one glorious, gorgeous, warm-hearted kid — could make it to Casey's party.



I swore it would never happen again.



Another year




A year passed and there I was, making sure I gave enough advance notice this time, and an enticement: Snakes and alligators will be there! Cake and reptiles! Who could possibly say no to that?



Well, almost all of the kids, it turns out.



After the first round of invitations were greeted with silence, I refused to be defeated, so I sent out another round. And another. Which is why the note chastising me for such "short notice" to the party was a blow. I had planned well in advance, but by the third round of invitees it was indeed, as the mother had so helpfully pointed out, "short notice" for a birthday party invitation.


I wanted to tell her, in earnest, that I had tried, really tried, to get it right this time. That I wanted my son, who is sweet and shy and social but has tremendous difficulty with communication, to have all of his school friends there just like any other kid. That for once I wanted him to have a "normal" childhood experience, since autism had robbed him of so many already.



It's not like the kids at school bully him or treat him poorly. In fact, it's far worse than that; he considers them all his friends. The kids engage him, they treat him well, they don't call him names or put him down. It's a good school full of good kids. The teachers are outstanding and do everything they can to accommodate Casey's special needs and integrate him with part of the larger group. Most of the parents are all likely good people too. I don't know for sure because I've not met many of them.



Explaining Casey


They probably don't know Casey has autism and might feel differently about turning down a party invite if they knew that simple fact. But it's not like he wears a T-shirt saying so, and most 7-year-olds are not familiar with the term even if someone has mentioned it.



I'm guessing my kid is just odd to them, unusual or eccentric. The kid who doesn't always make eye contact, who sometimes doesn't respond when spoken to, who gets over-excited and flaps his hands when he's having a good day, and who, when he does try to communicate in long sentences, doesn't always make sense because he often neglects to provide context, always begins conversations in the middle of things and has a tendency to repeat his favorite facts over and over again.


They've not had the time to get to know him as many in our circle of friends have, to see that he's smart and loving with a quick spark of humor. It's buried beneath difference for them, and it takes some people a long time to see past difference. Some never do.



I wanted to tell this mother, who had, after all, taken the time to chastise me for my party preparations, that I'm a good mom with a good kid, and yes the invitation was rather late, but we just want to have fun, and won't you join us after all?



Instead I said nothing because there was simply too much to say.



I stepped up Plan B, just like the year previous. I invited a truckload of neighbors and friends and their kids, and we filled the house and had great fun, and Casey felt spoiled and special in the best way possible. It was a good birthday.



And you know what? Two kids from his class came this year. That's a 100 percent improvement.





And I had a tiny revelation: Casey doesn't care. He was delighted with his party, as he was last year, because it was full of people of all ages who know, love and accept him as the incredible human being that he is. That Casey doesn't need to have a "normal" birthday party (that was my need) and that, like with everything he does, Casey will have his own unique way of enjoying all that life has to offer.



I also realized that this "doing things differently" will likely be a lifelong reality, and I had better learn to throw away tired and traditional expectations. I know now that I was guilty, for a brief moment, of wanting "normal" for my son. But ask yourself, as I have many times, "What's so great about normal anyway?"

[laurenpetro]

parents are assholes. fucking assholes.

[chchchia]

I would go to his party. Poor kid.

[chedifuen]

That is so sad! My son is NT and I still agonized over whether his classmates would show up for his birthday party. I feel so bad for this mother.

[tres3]

my kid doesn't want to go to a bday party today but I'm forcing him... he'll have fun. All his classmates will be there even if the birthday boy isn't his favorite person.

[jeaniebueller]

That is so sad if the parents are refusing to go because the son has autism. In both my son's preschool class and kindergarten class, there have been at least one child with SN and he talks about them just like they are any other kid in the class, so I am willing to bet these parents are projecting their own uncomfortableness on the kids.

[lvhorses]

DD didn't have any one from her class come to her Kindergarten party or First grade party. I'm still traumatized. She hasn't had a birthday invite since preschool.

[mrsbro]

This is so upsetting. Just go to the damn party! Why is that so hard?! Shit. Fucking parents.

[laurenpetro]

Dec 5, 2014 11:46:27 GMT -5 lvhorses said:

DD didn't have any one from her class come to her Kindergarten party or First grade party. I'm still traumatized. She hasn't had a birthday invite since preschool.

this happened to G last year.  i had invited all of the girls in her class and 1 came.  thankfully i had invited her GS troop and they all came.  this year i said Fuck It and only invited the GS troop and they had a great time.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry but this mom sounds like an epic pain in the ass and the assumptions she's making are pretty shitty.

I have three kids who don't have autism and trying to get even people I know and like to all be available on the day I want to plan a decent sized party is an exercise in futility. So her whiny, omg, I just want to give my kid the party *I* want to give him even though my kid gives no fucks about that kind of party makes me want to hurt her juuuuuuuuust a little.

I don't know what happened but the days of getting your entire third grade class to show up on a random Saturday afternoon for shitty grocery store cake and a gallon tub of ice cream are just gone. I think even asdfjkl can attest to that. It's not an autism thing, I promise you. I'm not even sure what it is. I just know that it's true.

I planned an all out birthday party for my two year old with plenty of advanced notice, trust, invited the people I go to fucking church with, potluck with and most of them were unable to come for one reason or another and didn't respond to the RSVP either. MY OWN PASTOR DIDN'T COME!

So anyway, my eyeballs, they are rolling. The whole neighborhood came to his party, lady. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

You may all flame me now iffen you like.

[josieposy]

Are we sure it's really a dig against the kid?

Maybe I'm projecting, but I have just been way too busy to accept party invites for my kids' classmates in preschool so far. Weekends have been sacred time to see my kids when I'm not buried in homework.

It seems a lot of assumptions are being made where there may not be any ill will whatsoever, but with that said maybe she is right and I will be mindful of this with future invites after school is over and I get my life back.

[laurenpetro]

i don't think it was a coordinated effort on the part of the parents to snub the kid but i do think it's shitty as fuck to be ok with not sending your kid to the party of "the wierd kid".

[Deleted]

Dec 5, 2014 11:52:40 GMT -5 josieposy said:

Are we sure it's really a dig against the kid?

Maybe I'm projecting, but I have just been way too busy to accept party invites for my kids' classmates in preschool so far. Weekends have been sacred time to see my kids when I'm not buried in homework.

It seems a lot of assumptions are being made where there may not be any ill will whatsoever, but with that said maybe she is right and I will be mindful of this with future invites after school is over and I get my life back.

I think a huge part of it is that school friends are no longer neighborhood kids. We don't know each other's parents, we aren't playing in the same little leagues, seeing these kids out on the street all of time, etc.

So you want me to put aside my weekend plans (which now involved working for a lot of parents than it did when most of us were kids), put my kids in the car, find a babysitter for the ones who weren't invited, buy a present, find your new planned neighborhood on the GPS (good luck) and hope your gated community has the gate open on Saturday afternoon so I can sit around with a bunch of parents I don't know and eat terrible grocery store cake?

I wish I were nicer than that. But I'm kind of not. Unless it's really good cake. I need someone to put that on the invitation.

Pinky loses invitations too. She'll tell me, oh I was totally invited and then three weeks later (and the thursday before a Saturday party) I'll get the invitation.

[MrsAxilla]

I just don't understand turning down birthday party invites, especially at young ages. Someone else is offering to entertain my child and all it costs me is a gift, which I am always happy to buy.

[Velar Fricative]

This is potentially flameful and my thoughts are all over the place so bear with me.

The OP mentions that many (or most) of the parents might not even know her son is autistic, and that their responses might have been different had they known. That...bothers me. Like, I think it's shitty that there needs to be a reason like that to attend a classmate's party. If they're just weird, then too bad, so sad. Autistic kids deserve awesome birthdays and yes, I would argue that awesome parties with classmates are more likely to mean a lot to them and their families for obvious reasons. But essentially, and correct me if I'm wrong since I have a toddler and not a school-age child, I think if birthday parties with classmates are going to be the norm, I as a parent should ensure that DD attends all that she can and that we RSVP no when we truly have other commitments already. I don't want to project the clique-ish nature of adults onto young kids like that by saying, "Sorry, that kid is too weird, you're not going" or "Well, that kid has autism so we have to go" or whatever.

[hocus2]

I don't think other parents are being assholes. I think their kids are just telling them they aren't close with Casey and that they don't want to go. If his diagnosis isn't a well know issue then parents are really in a postilion to help their own kids understand why a party would mean a lot to this particular child. I think a longer term "solution" to be to work on having play date over the year so that there is a deeper friendship between Casey and his peers.

I'm actually an anomaly that we generally go to 90% of the parties we're invited to. I find people often rarely go class parties even when the kid is a perfectly average kid. I see pretty much the same 5 families at the larger birthday parties I go to (out of ~22 families in the class)

[gottadobe]

Dec 5, 2014 11:51:50 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

I don't know what happened but the days of getting your entire third grade class to show up on a random Saturday afternoon for shitty grocery store cake and a gallon tub of ice cream are just gone. 

Extracurriculars happened.  And if not the classmate, probably a sibling, so the parent(s) isn't able to take the kid to a party.  I don't know how some people do it with more than 1 kid.

Also, now I think the expectation is to DO something, e.g. laser tag. 

I used to hate this for my kid.  I swear I stressed over this more than he did. 

[Deleted]

Dec 5, 2014 11:55:49 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

I can't recall what party planning expertise I have that I am tagged here. I am getting ready to set up the evite for our annual cookie decorating.party. It's in two weeks.

Life happens.

I'm not sure what to think of this woman. Her description of the way her son is treated by his peers doesn't jibe with the fact no one came.to his party. Does she say what the date is for his birthday. K's is close to 4th of July and in the summer. Attendance is always low.

I'm sorry, I thought I recalled a few parties you had for your kids were attendance was low and RSVPs were non-existent. 

[Deleted]

Dec 5, 2014 12:01:13 GMT -5 gottadobe said:

Extracurriculars happened.  And if not the classmate, probably a sibling, so the parent(s) isn't able to take the kid to a party.  I don't know how some people do it with more than 1 kid.

Also, now I think the expectation is to DO something, e.g. laster tag. 

I used to hate this for my kid.  I swear I stressed over this more than he did. 

Oh God, yes, I have to take them somewhere. The last one pinky was invited to was a skating party. The rink is 30 minutes away. We live in BFE so everything fun is 30 minutes away but I'm not dragging the baby so pinky can skate for two hours. The fabric store isn't close enough.

[KateAggie]

Dec 5, 2014 11:58:49 GMT -5 MrsAxilla said:

I just don't understand turning down birthday party invites, especially at young ages. Someone else is offering to entertain my child and all it costs me is a gift, which I am always happy to buy.

We've been invited to 8 parties in 3 months (yea, I counted), and I only have 2 kids. At $20 a gift that's $160 bucks. That's a lot for our family, especially for kids/parents we don't really know. We can swing it, but it means sacrificing, and that's not always worth it. And there are plenty of families that can't swing it.

[CallingAllAngels]

Dec 5, 2014 11:58:01 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Dec 5, 2014 11:52:40 GMT -5 josieposy said:

Are we sure it's really a dig against the kid?

Maybe I'm projecting, but I have just been way too busy to accept party invites for my kids' classmates in preschool so far. Weekends have been sacred time to see my kids when I'm not buried in homework.

It seems a lot of assumptions are being made where there may not be any ill will whatsoever, but with that said maybe she is right and I will be mindful of this with future invites after school is over and I get my life back.

I think a huge part of it is that school friends are no longer neighborhood kids. We don't know each other's parents, we aren't playing in the same little leagues, seeing these kids out on the street all of time, etc.

So you want me to put aside my weekend plans (which now involved working for a lot of parents than it did when most of us were kids), put my kids in the car, find a babysitter for the ones who weren't invited, buy a present, find your new planned neighborhood on the GPS (good luck) and hope your gated community has the gate open on Saturday afternoon so I can sit around with a bunch of parents I don't know and eat terrible grocery store cake?

I wish I were nicer than that. But I'm kind of not. Unless it's really good cake. I need someone to put that on the invitation.

Pinky loses invitations too. She'll tell me, oh I was totally invited and then three weeks later (and the thursday before a Saturday party) I'll get the invitation.

This is why we decline events for DD's preschool (in a town close to my work, 20 minutes from home) friends before events for DS's elementary school (close to our neighborhood, all the kids live within a 2 mile radius and do play sports/go to the pool together).  I don't know what I am going to do next year when they are both in elementary school. 

[redheadbaker]

We invited DS' entire daycare class to his 3rd birthday party. Not a single one showed up. DS didn't even notice. Am I supposed to be upset about this?

[msmerymac]

Uh, I'm kind of side-eyeing the fact that she was crushed by someone replying they had too short notice on the THIRD round of invitations. I skimmed, but when was this third round sent out? The week before? Sorry, but obviously your third-string guest wasn't important to you in the first place. If you anticipated people turning down invitations again, send out all the damn invitations you want at once.

And I hope that she didn't send multiple rounds of invitations to kids in his class. I think at age 7, which is first or second grade, I'd lean towards the "whole class" or all the boys in the class rule, or whatever. I can absolutely see the parents of two kids talking. "Are you going to Casey's party?" "Uh, what party?" *Invitation shows up 1.5 weeks later.* Um, yeah, can't make it.

[onomatopoeia]

Dec 5, 2014 11:55:51 GMT -5 laurenpetro said:

i don't think it was a coordinated effort on the part of the parents to snub the kid but i do think it's shitty as fuck to be ok with not sending your kid to the party of "the wierd kid".

I think it might be less to do with not sending your kid to the "weird kid's party" though, and more that families have limited weekend time and if my kid isn't friends with yours, and I don't know you (the parent), and I know the invite was not extended specifically to my kid but rather the class as a whole, then it's not an event I might be able to prioritize, you know?  And I have a "that kid" myself. 

I do thinks it's very shitty to not at least RSVP. 

[IIOY]

Dec 5, 2014 11:37:26 GMT -5 summer said:

www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/commentary/ct-autism-birthday-parties-children-parents-school-perspec-1204-jm-20141203-story.html

"It is with sadness that we will have to decline the birthday party invitation for your son," one mother wrote me, "as such short notice was given."



I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Again.



You see, my son Casey has autism, 

OK, I'm stopping right here because I am already on the verge of tears.  Someone tell me if this piece goes in an unexpected direction because, at this moment, I cannot handle any sad stories about children that I just desperately want to hug.

[redheadbaker]

Also, we're invited to a classmate's birthday next weekend. I know the child has some developmental issues, though I don't know specifics. We're not going to the party, not because the kid has issues, but because I'm unemployment and can't afford a birthday gift. Now on top of feeling like shit that I don't have a job, I have to worry that this will come across as a snub?

[onomatopoeia]

Dec 5, 2014 12:11:43 GMT -5 IIOY said:

Dec 5, 2014 11:37:26 GMT -5 summer said:

www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/commentary/ct-autism-birthday-parties-children-parents-school-perspec-1204-jm-20141203-story.html

"It is with sadness that we will have to decline the birthday party invitation for your son," one mother wrote me, "as such short notice was given."



I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Again.



You see, my son Casey has autism, 

OK, I'm stopping right here because I am already on the verge of tears.  Someone tell me if this piece goes in an unexpected direction because, at this moment, I cannot handle any sad stories about children that I just desperately want to hug.

It's not bad.  Mom is upset (understandably), but the kid doesn't care (doesn't even realize), and has many people at his party from the community that love him. Kids in his class are nice to him and treat him kindly overall, they just didn't come to his party. 

[AJL]

Dec 5, 2014 12:11:00 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

Uh, I'm kind of side-eyeing the fact that she was crushed by someone replying they had too short notice on the THIRD round of invitations. I skimmed, but when was this third round sent out? The week before? Sorry, but obviously your third-string guest wasn't important to you in the first place. If you anticipated people turning down invitations again, send out all the damn invitations you want at once.

And I hope that she didn't send multiple rounds of invitations to kids in his class. I think at age 7, which is first or second grade, I'd lean towards the "whole class" or all the boys in the class rule, or whatever. I can absolutely see the parents of two kids talking. "Are you going to Casey's party?" "Uh, what party?" *Invitation shows up 1.5 weeks later.* Um, yeah, can't make it.

The way I understood it was that it wasn't a third string guest. It was a third reminder. The first two invitations had been completely ignored. It's the same guest list who got three invitations at different intervals.

[eclaires]

Dec 5, 2014 12:11:43 GMT -5 IIOY said:

Dec 5, 2014 11:37:26 GMT -5 summer said:

www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/commentary/ct-autism-birthday-parties-children-parents-school-perspec-1204-jm-20141203-story.html

"It is with sadness that we will have to decline the birthday party invitation for your son," one mother wrote me, "as such short notice was given."



I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Again.



You see, my son Casey has autism, 

OK, I'm stopping right here because I am already on the verge of tears.  Someone tell me if this piece goes in an unexpected direction because, at this moment, I cannot handle any sad stories about children that I just desperately want to hug.

No!  He has great parties with their friends and neighborhood kids but few classmates and he doesn't notice.  But she wants him to have his classmates there or some such.

It seems like a lot of hand wringing over something that is more likely due to people's busy schedules and not wanting to go to a birthday and waste half your day with people you don't know and crappy cake.

[litebright]

After last year, when we had like three kids out of 25 show up for DD1's birthday, I'm saying screw the parties where I invite the whole class. She also has autism. Plus her birthday is the first week of January before class starts again, so I have to get invites out before school ends at least 3 weeks earlier, and often parents don't look in their kids' backpacks when they come home for winter break. It's kind of a crappy situation for birthdays anyhow, even without the autism piece. She had fun, and she mostly seems to just roll with things and not realize that her friendships are pretty superficial, but I realize, much like the mom in this piece, and do my best to give her as close to a normal childhood as I can from what little I can do on my end.

I'm thinking about doing a movie matinee and lunch at a pizza place for a handful of kids this year. And we'll probably pad the invite list with girls from her soccer team that DH coaches in addition to kids from her class.

But yeah, it's hard when your kid is different enough that other kids notice and it's hard for them to make real reciprocal friendships, but not different or physically obvious in a way that other parents might realize that it would be particularly kind and meaningful gesture to come to her birthday party. I'm not going to advertise, "Hey, my kid has autism so come to her party as a pity move!" But she's also at a huge disadvantage, because of her disability, in having the level of interaction with other kids that they would think "oh, she's so fun, yes, I want to go to her party!" instead of being "meh."

I'm glad this mom was able to focus on the people who know and appreciate her son, and I hope I can do the same. The girl who sits in DD1's desk cluster, makes a point to always say hi to her, and waited outside the school to walk in with her yesterday morning? I can't tell you how incredibly grateful I am for that girl, and how much I want to give her an enormous hug and thank her for her kindness. I know that it takes more effort than most kids are willing to put in, to be friends with my kid -- she's has slightly stilted conversations, it takes her a little bit more processing time to react, and things fly over her head semi-regularly so you often have to repeat yourself in conversation. She's incredibly sweet, generous and kind, but in a lot of ways you have to get her know her pretty well and get used to her communication glitches before her personality becomes obvious. Most 6 and 7 year olds are going to move on before they do, and as a mom that breaks my heart even though it's no one's fault.