I just don't understand turning down birthday party invites, especially at young ages. Someone else is offering to entertain my child and all it costs me is a gift, which I am always happy to buy.
My sister went to a birthday party for a four year old recently. The child's mother had hired babysitters to help watch all the kids, had set up various stations (face painting, balloon making, etc) that were additionally staffed, so that the parents could eat tapas and drink cocktails delivered by waiters dressed in tuxes. I think I could handle that kind of party. She also said the cake was amazing. Like a high end wedding cake.
That sounds Amazing!! But man, would I be worried about the standard that generous mom set- sheesh!! Non-mom here who Obvs has no idea who these ppl are, yet is kind've stressed about my unborn child's party not coming close to stacking up just reading about this event...
I just don't understand turning down birthday party invites, especially at young ages. Someone else is offering to entertain my child and all it costs me is a gift, which I am always happy to buy.
My sister went to a birthday party for a four year old recently. The child's mother had hired babysitters to help watch all the kids, had set up various stations (face painting, balloon making, etc) that were additionally staffed, so that the parents could eat tapas and drink cocktails delivered by waiters dressed in tuxes. I think I could handle that kind of party. She also said the cake was amazing. Like a high end wedding cake.
This sounds like the parties my SIL throws for her kids. We live in a different state, so we've only been to one, but it was fabulous. I'm often thankful that we don't live near her. I can't possibly compete.
It could be that this mom has a terminal case of the mommygoggles. She describes her son as "Eccentric and unusual" but I'm betting, depending on his presentation his peers see him as rude, boring, aggressive, bossy, disengaged, judgemental and/or disruptive. A good social skills curriculum that teaches a child to take ownership of his behavior as a g force in how other perceive and treat him could be a good choice for a seven. Michelle Garcia Winner's Social Thinking was life changing for DS.
If the parents and school have not shared the dx with the class, which almost always leads to better understanding and inclusive behavior, they have no context around which to think differently. Other parents, hearing tales from school, probably don't want their child to spend more time than they already are with a child they assume is "bad" or "poorly parented".
It could be mom scheduled this shindig at a time that is inconvenient to other kids because of sports or scouts or another party, etc. When you're the mom of a kid on spectrum who does participate in such things, there's always the risk you picked a bad time. DS has a birthday in early August- the week about half the people I know are on their family vacation.
It could be that the party mom planned isn't appealing to his peers. Most kids on spectrum have interests that may not be common to kids his age- either too arcane or something they've outgrown. ASD is a developmental delay that leaves most with the social and emotional bandwidth of someone half their age.
That said, I had decent success with DS's parties once I got the hang of things. And parties sort of go away as a thing at about 8-10. At that point they tend to be close friends only or a one:one activity
I threw them at a time that would be convenient to other families- like right before school started as a way to get the new class together or during summer school when the kids in his reading school had half days and afternoons free. I threw pretty fancy parties- rented the indoor pool for a party with the floating island, laser tag, pottery painting, bumper bowling, etc. One situation that really lent itself to success was inviting the kids from his reading lab school- TBH, they didn't get invited very often and were delighted to come. Who you invite matters, too. I wonder if mom invited the kids from the social skills group he should be attending or the ASD summer camp if she'd have had a better turnout.
I'm kind of baffled by inviting a whole class to a party. My daughter is in her 2nd year of preschool and I let her invite the kids who were also in their second year because I knew those parents from last year's events. It was mid September so we didn't have much of a chance to get to know the new parents. I don't think I would go to a child's party without really knowing the parents whether they are NT or not. And since my daughter is a typical peer in an inclusion classroom, I had no issue inviting kids that weren't neurotypical.
My sister went to a birthday party for a four year old recently. The child's mother had hired babysitters to help watch all the kids, had set up various stations (face painting, balloon making, etc) that were additionally staffed, so that the parents could eat tapas and drink cocktails delivered by waiters dressed in tuxes. I think I could handle that kind of party. She also said the cake was amazing. Like a high end wedding cake.
That sounds Amazing!! But man, would I be worried about the standard that generous mom set- sheesh!! Non-mom here who Obvs has no idea who these ppl are, yet is kind've stressed about my unborn child's party not coming close to stacking up just reading about this event...
Don't worry, I'm pretty sure that's not normal at all! My sister called me right after she left because she just couldn't believe it all. I certainly won't have a party that's anywhere close to being like that when I have kids!
I just don't understand turning down birthday party invites, especially at young ages. Someone else is offering to entertain my child and all it costs me is a gift, which I am always happy to buy.
My sister went to a birthday party for a four year old recently. The child's mother had hired babysitters to help watch all the kids, had set up various stations (face painting, balloon making, etc) that were additionally staffed, so that the parents could eat tapas and drink cocktails delivered by waiters dressed in tuxes. I think I could handle that kind of party. She also said the cake was amazing. Like a high end wedding cake.
A friend I used to be close to used to throw similar parties to this except without the waiters and entertainers for kids and I hate them. They're always insanely crowded and the expectation is that the adults socialize downstairs while the children play upstairs or in the backyard but this never really works out. Most of the kids are very young preschoolers so parents have to either make a choice between supervising their three year old in the thunderdome of a playroom or leave them with the nannies and hope for the best. She also serves food that's hard to manage one handed when a child needs something so I'm always terrified of dropping pasta on the floor while tending to DS. After a few parties that left with him crying and me growling at him for getting too hyper then to get phone calls telling me there's something wrong with him because he's so nuts and overstimulated at these things I've started flat out declining all invitations from her.
I personally think parties like this are pretentious and a way for these mothers to show off how much money they can spend while still having a "simple at home" party.
I think I'm going to try to avoid having class wide parties for my yet to exist kids. We always had family parties growing up and could invite a couple of friends as we got older. The entire whole thing just sounds so stressful.
I can see where this mom is coming from but if her kid was happy with the neighbors, why focus on the classmates? Next year just plan a party with the neighbors and enjoy.
Hmmm. I have a bunch of random thoughts. But mostly I am heartbroken for this mom. Because whether or not the snubbing of her child because of autism is real or imagined...it is HER reality. And that is sad. So I can't judge her tone or her assumptions because, damn, I have never had to walk a mile in her shoes.
And that one lady's RSVP was a bit much. Preachy. I mean, she had a point about the notice, but there may have been better ways to express that.
I think I'm going to try to avoid having class wide parties for my yet to exist kids. We always had family parties growing up and could invite a couple of friends as we got older. The entire whole thing just sounds so stressful.
I can see where this mom is coming from but if her kid was happy with the neighbors, why focus on the classmates? Next year just plan a party with the neighbors and enjoy.
Most likely because its an in your face reminder that her kid has ASD, it does sound like she has some mommy goggles on and this is her annual reminder that while her kid may be functioning fine in class he is not socially keeping up.
Part of this is also probably the worry that in roughly 5 yrs without friends at school he is going to be a waiting target for bullying and other issues as he heads into the hyper social years.
I think I'm going to try to avoid having class wide parties for my yet to exist kids. We always had family parties growing up and could invite a couple of friends as we got older. The entire whole thing just sounds so stressful.
I can see where this mom is coming from but if her kid was happy with the neighbors, why focus on the classmates? Next year just plan a party with the neighbors and enjoy.
Most likely because its an in your face reminder that her kid has ASD, it does sound like she has some mommy goggles on and this is her annual reminder that while her kid may be functioning fine in class he is not socially keeping up.
Part of this is also probably the worry that in roughly 5 yrs without friends at school he is going to be a waiting target for bullying and other issues as he heads into the hyper social years.
I don't disagree with anything that you're saying but why not focus on the relationships that he does have? This is probably hard for me to understand because I'm not parent and class wide birthday parties weren't my norm. I didn't realize it was a norm until this thread honestly. In my mind, if the kid was happy and he has a social circle that loves him, focus on that and enjoy it.
Most likely because its an in your face reminder that her kid has ASD, it does sound like she has some mommy goggles on and this is her annual reminder that while her kid may be functioning fine in class he is not socially keeping up.
Part of this is also probably the worry that in roughly 5 yrs without friends at school he is going to be a waiting target for bullying and other issues as he heads into the hyper social years.
I don't disagree with anything that you're saying but why not focus on the relationships that he does have? This is probably hard for me to understand because I'm not parent and class wide birthday parties weren't my norm. I didn't realize it was a norm until this thread honestly. In my mind, if the kid was happy and he has a social circle that loves him, focus on that and enjoy it.
A parent of an NT kid probably would. But when you know they're going to struggle and are likely to be ostracized it's hard not to view things through that lens and worry. Especially when you know that it puts them at greater risk for significant problems in the years ahead. And truth is it's not uncommon for parents of kids on the spectrum to have their own issues that may be making her more sensitive and taking this more personally.
I'm opposite than the Mom in the article, I don't plan much for my son who has moderate ASD. He really doesn't show interest or will even care if he has one or not. I wonder if the Mom feels like if she has a huge party that has cool activities that maybe the school kids might be friendlier/social with her son. When they don't show, I can see how she would feel like it is his Autism. I know I wouldn't set myself up for that failure.
Heck I swear for my older son (who I made it somewhat a co-party for his ASD brother) I had to call beforehand half the parents to see if they can make the date before I even decided on a time/date. Even at that I only included neighborhood kids, close school friends and not the whole class.
I think I'm going to try to avoid having class wide parties for my yet to exist kids. We always had family parties growing up and could invite a couple of friends as we got older. The entire whole thing just sounds so stressful.
I can see where this mom is coming from but if her kid was happy with the neighbors, why focus on the classmates? Next year just plan a party with the neighbors and enjoy.
Because often kids on spectrum, as a result of their social and emotional delays, bond more easily with younger children they can boss around or older kids who sort of indulge their differences. This can reinforce dysfunctional behavior in some kids. Interacting appropriately with same aged peers is a critical skill kids need going forward so they can participate as a member of the group on collaborative work in school and then the workplace. It's important enough that this kind of socialization is generally a part of the goals driving a child's IEP.
Most professionals who work with kids who are high functioning enough to be mainstreamed would encourage the parents to focus on classmates as friends and peer models.
hopecounts is right- many moms of kids on spectrum have considerable baggage of their own. Mood disorders and spectrum traits are common among them which can lead to being sort of akward socially and having to relive that as they attempt to help their child socially. Having your child systematically shunned by others making you hypersensitive to the possibility that this is about autism.
I think I'm going to try to avoid having class wide parties for my yet to exist kids. We always had family parties growing up and could invite a couple of friends as we got older. The entire whole thing just sounds so stressful.
I can see where this mom is coming from but if her kid was happy with the neighbors, why focus on the classmates? Next year just plan a party with the neighbors and enjoy.
Because often kids on spectrum, as a result of their social and emotional delays, bond more easily with younger children they can boss around or older kids who sort of indulge their differences. This can reinforce dysfunctional behavior in some kids. Interacting appropriately with same aged peers is a critical skill kids need going forward so they can participate as a member of the group on collaborative work in school and then the workplace. It's important enough that this kind of socialization is generally a part of the goals driving a child's IEP.
Most professionals who work with kids who are high functioning enough to be mainstreamed would encourage the parents to focus on classmates as friends and peer models.
hopecounts is right- many moms of kids on spectrum have considerable baggage of their own. Mood disorders and spectrum traits are common among them which can lead to being sort of akward socially and having to relive that as they attempt to help their child socially. Having your child systematically shunned by others making you hypersensitive to the possibility that this is about autism.
Once again I do not disagree with any of this. However a birthday party is just one social event. Of course socializing with same-aged peers is important but we don't even know if that's not the case for these neighbors. My only point is that the fact that your child enjoyed his birthday, which sounded like a pretty typical party, is what she should try to focus on, in this moment. I guess that's flameful.
Once again I do not disagree with any of this. However a birthday party is just one social event. Of course socializing with same-aged peers is important but we don't even know if that's not the case for these neighbors. My only point is that the fact that your child enjoyed his birthday, which sounded like a pretty typical party, is what she should try to focus on, in this moment. I guess that's flameful.
Not flameful at all. I feel badly that the mom is not in a place where she can appreciate the positive of having friends of any stripe attend. I'm just trying to offer a possible perspective around where the mom is coming from.
While we see it as a single 2 hour event, for kids talking about the party before and after it occurs can be the kind of shared common ground on which a kid on spectrum can relate to his typical peers- and vice versa.
TBH, I sort of agree with your perspective because IRL, we need to be able to get along with people at various ages and stages of life. But in elementary, for kids on spectrum, it's all about your peers- relating to your age group as a member of the class.