@ related Dear Prudie "Should I leave my baby for 3 months"

[jeaniebueller]

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www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/05/dear_prudence_should_i_leave_my_baby_for_three_months_for_a_job.html

. Leaving My Baby for Three Months?: 
I am a successful 38-year-old businesswoman who found herself with an unexpected pregnancy last year. I decided to have the child on my own, and thus far it has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Recently I was offered a promotion with a substantial raise, but the catch is, my work would require me to travel to Hong Kong for 12 weeks starting this June. Hiring a nanny to travel with me is not feasible with such short notice, but my sister, who has children of her own, has offered to watch my baby while I am away. I’m concerned that 12 weeks is too long to be apart from my 11-month-old daughter. I am concerned that she is too young to be without her mother for such an extended period. Then again, this is a fantastic opportunity and would be a feather in my cap on my résumé, not to mention it would help me save up for my daughter’s education. If she were older, I would have no qualms doing this. Should I take the position?

A: What a Mother’s Day dilemma! First of all, I think you should explore the possibility not of taking a nanny with you, but finding a nanny in Hong Kong. If your company has an office there, they may have resources for you, and can also put you in touch with other families working there. You may find that you can hire a full-time nanny so that you can bring your daughter. On the other hand, if this is a three-month assignment that’s going to be all-consuming and you would feel more guilty about how much time you were spending away from your little girl—even though she is there with you—having her stay with your sister may be the better option. What a wonderful sister you have! That is a generous offer, and one that should relieve your mind. Your daughter will miss you, but think of how much fun she will have being surrounded by loving cousins. I disagree with you about this being an easier decision to make if your child were older. Your child is very young, and of course she is attached to you, but she will quickly be absorbed into your sister’s home. The three months are going to speed by. But it will have long-term benefits for your career—which will benefit your daughter in the long run. I say take the assignment and once you do, feel confident about the child care decision you make.

______________________________________________________

Thoughts?

[ttt]

Her sister is amazing. I hope she appreciates her.

I'm surprised finding a nanny in HK didn't seem to occur to her.

[Deleted]

Three months doesn't seem like a biggie to me, especially for an 11 month old. I say she does it.

I wouldn't bother trying to find a HK nanny because I would imagine a three month assignment starts at arrival. If it were six months or a year, then yeah, I would.

[ESF]

I can't judge. This isn't going to scar the kid for life. She's going to her sister's house. And it sounds like she's a single mom. If this opportunity can set her up for more financial independence, she and the kid will be better off in the long run. Lean in!!!

That said, I question the idea that her only options are Hong Kong for 12 uninterrupted weeks without the kid, or no promotion at all. If that's really the case, her company is filled with assholes. Even if child care resources are not possible, surely they could arrange for monthly visits or something.

[cville]

Dude. She needs to go. Get a nanny there or get comfy with skype. But she MUST GO.

[Velar Fricative]

I don't know if I could do this, but I wouldn't judge her if she had her daughter live with her generous sister for those three months. It does seem to have a lot of long-term benefits for her family. I actually kinda think this age would be easier to do something like this too.

[chedifuen]

This is something only she can decide if she is comfortable with. Sounds like an amazing opportunity and she should go if she wants to and feels comfortable with it, the baby will never remember this time. People will judge her either way

[jeaniebueller]

For some reason, when I read the headline, I thought the baby was 3 months old. When I got to the part where its an 11 month old, I do feel a little more breezy about her going. I am surprised that she hasn't reached out to her company to see about the possibility of a nanny from HK.

[downtoearth]

Hmmm, I was pretty attached to my first kid, but I think I could do it if it meant a major promotion and especially if I was 100% on the hook for the financial side and care of the baby. I'm team - go for it. Oh and I'd probably leave the baby with my sister, too.

[debatethis]

May 6, 2015 10:03:34 GMT -5 ESF said:

I can't judge. This isn't going to scar the kid for life. She's going to her sister's house. And it sounds like she's a single mom. If this opportunity can set her up for more financial independence, she and the kid will be better off in the long run. Lean in!!!

That said, I question the idea that her only options are Hong Kong for 12 uninterrupted weeks without the kid, or no promotion at all. If that's really the case, her company is filled with assholes. Even if child care resources are not possible, surely they could arrange for monthly visits or something.

Agreed. I work for a pretty large international firm and our temporary relo packages all include some help with childcare or finding a nanny - that's pretty par for the course w/ multinationals, from what I understand. It seems to me like she isn't asking the right questions re: her relo options. If her firm likes her enough to offer her such a huge promotion, they like her enough to assist with housing and childcare.

[twotrue]

I agree with the advice. I don't know that I could go but I sure as hell would kick DW out the door again if she had an opportunity like this.

[Deleted]

I don't judge. Sounds like a great promotion opportunity and she's got someone she trusts to watch her daughter. I'd wanna know if the daughter was familiar with the sister already but I will assume yes for argument's sake.

[karinothing]

I don't think I could personally do it (at 11 months my kid barely ate solids and nursed ever 2 hours still), but people all over the world leave their children to work and provide a better life for them, so I don't think it is that unusual. But I also would hope that her work would help her find some child care options in Hong Kong.

[meltoine]

I couldn't do it personally, but MH does it all the damn time, so no judgement here.

[heyjude]

3 months away from an 11 month old? No way. Couldn't do it.

[ECB]

I don't judge this either. I think her baby will be fine - especially being with family for that time frame.

[ringstrue]

It could be that her sister is in the same town and could still take the baby to the same doctor, daycare, etc. That would be important to me vs. try to figure out a new pediatrician and re-teach a new nanny my kid's quirks all while navigating a new project in a foreign country. I honestly feel like if this were a single dad no one would suggest he try to bring the kid as well.

As for the employer, I think it depends on the industry. When an opportunity comes up, you try to make it work. She could also counter and ask to see if there are opportunities that should could do locally, but you know, maybe she wants to travel? I don't see why it has to be an either/or.

[Deleted]

May 6, 2015 10:36:19 GMT -5 ringstrue said:

It could be that her sister is in the same town and could still take the baby to the same doctor, daycare, etc. That would be important to me vs. try to figure out a new pediatrician and re-teach a new nanny my kid's quirks all while navigating a new project in a foreign country. I honestly feel like if this were a single dad no one would suggest she try to bring her kid as well.

As for the employer, I think it depends on the industry. When an opportunity comes up, you try to make it work. She could also counter and ask to see if there are opportunities that should could do locally, but you know, maybe she wants to travel? I don't see why it has to be an either/or.

The sister has kids of her own. I would assume she would take the kid to their pedi in an emergency but if they live close enough, mom could also schedule the 12 mo check up before she leaves and the sister could take her. Lord knows there are a ton of kids in this country who don't see the same pedi for every or even most visits.

I'm curious how much effort an employer is going to put in for a 12 week assignment though. 

[BAMFMrsB]

May 6, 2015 10:26:07 GMT -5 @meepmeep said:

I'd try to find a nanny in Hong Kong first, but if that didn't work out, I'd be eternally grateful for my sister and go.

I would absolutely find a nanny in HK. It CANNOT be that hard.

But if for soem reason it was impossible, yes, I'd go to HK and be thankful my sister could handle the 3 month stint.

[jinkies]

May 6, 2015 10:06:58 GMT -5 chedifuen said:

People will judge her either way

Truth. I am finally comfortable enough in my parenting that I do what I want in the knowledge that somewhere out there, someone is judging me no matter what. 

She'll never make everyone happy. The baby will never remember being left behind, and the sister has made a generous offer. 

She should absolutely go for the long-term gains to her career. 

[Deleted]

I'd go, but I'd find a nanny in Hong Kong. I'm pretty sure I could find a nanny in HK by tomorrow if I needed to. It's not a hard place to hire help.

[eclaires]

I'd probably exhaust my options to take the baby with me first (nanny there, maybe even pay a college student or cousin or someone to come with me, etc.) but if that didn't work, and it was really a big deal for my career, I would do it I think. It would be hard but if it would put me as a single mom in a better and more secure position, I think in the grand scheme, 3m is a really short time.

[Deleted]

May 6, 2015 10:49:17 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

It's threads like this that make me wonder what kind of mom I would have been as I read this and think "well, if my sister is taking care of my baby then yeah, I will see her in 12 weeks." A stranger, I dunno and taking her with me, I dunno either, but I could absolutely leave my child with my sister if she was willing to do it if I were a single mom with a singleton, just on the premise that I would hope that time would foster some closeness between my sister, my child and my nieces/nephew since my child was a singleton.

Yeah as a non mom that was my first thought too.

Also, the logistics sound like it would be a lot more simple to just keep the kid in the U.S. with a family member. 

I'm the spontaneous and adventurous type that could move overseas in a heartbeat again, but bringing a kid along would complicate things that I don't think would necessarily be worth it for such a short period of time. 

[msmerymac]

I think it would actually be easier now than when her daughter is 2-3 years old.

[sangria]

You know makes me mad? My H was gone for 4.5 months when DD1 was age 6-10.5 months and nobody batted an eye about that. I know this is slightly different because it's a single mother, but damn right she should go.

[Elsa]

Oh she should definitely go. I'd offer this to my sisters without hesitation (well...except maybe the one who is pg with twins. Twin babies for 3 months at 11months old when they are crawling? I'll have to get back to you on that....lol)

[terpsfan]

May 6, 2015 10:58:28 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

May 6, 2015 10:49:17 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

It's threads like this that make me wonder what kind of mom I would have been as I read this and think "well, if my sister is taking care of my baby then yeah, I will see her in 12 weeks." A stranger, I dunno and taking her with me, I dunno either, but I could absolutely leave my child with my sister if she was willing to do it if I were a single mom with a singleton, just on the premise that I would hope that time would foster some closeness between my sister, my child and my nieces/nephew since my child was a singleton.

I'm an awesome mom and think the same thing.  

I think the same thing.  I would want to completely dive 100% into the HK project without the worries of navigating the "nanny sick, nanny flakes, I have to work OT, I have to travel within China so nanny needs to stay for overnight/multiple days,  kid is sick where's the pedi, etc" type of scenario for just 12 weeks (with hopes that when I return I would have "established" myself in that first 3 months that I could call more work/life balance shots back home in the US).  Home with my sister and her kids to me is the scenario where I would have the least amount of stress about my child..miss her yes, but be able to completely focus and get the job done and come home

[cookiemdough]

I would find a way to go. I would want to take my baby but to be honest I think it would be more for my benefit than the baby's.

[orangeblossom]

She should go, no question.

[hopecounts]

No judging, she should definitely go and either get a nanny in HK or let her daughter have a visit with Auntie.
at 11 months the kiddo won't remember this and assuming Aunt is sane and a responsible caregiver will be just fine. Lots of skyping and kiddo will be fine if she stays and Mom goes.