Be really careful about offering too much advice. It's hard to walk the line, but for some things she will want to learn her own lessons. I almost bit off my MIL's head in the middle of the night when she gave me BFing advice that she had already mentioned but I tried to politely decline.
When I had a newborn I had a friend (madisen) that I texted about every single thing under the sun. She always offered advice or commiseration, but never in an overbearing way (which absolutely some other people did). And she always initiated texts checking in to see how DD was doing which I REALLY appreciated because I was super aware that all I could talk about was the baby. But I wasn't capable of talking about anything else and she made it feel okay to talk about only the baby. lol
I'm trying to remember how she handled my crazy postpartum texts and duplicate that with my sister. I promise I'm very aware of this though!
I am soo glad I provided that (without knowing). I think it just came from 'getting' you and knowing you so well at the time because we texted so much. I'm sure you'll be able to do the same for your sister just by that same fact and how close you two are. Especially being aware of it as you are, I can't see how you would or could overstep anything with her. Such a sweet thing to say, @this , still my FL bff as I've always told people.
Post by gretchenwieners on Sept 4, 2015 7:16:48 GMT -5
I think everything has been covered but I wanted to add that I had a pretty harsh pp hormone crash and it helped to hear how others went through the same thing and they would tell me "it doesn't feel like it but it will get better and things will get easier". Just hearing I wasn't alone really helped.
My parents were amazing after I had DS and we would sleep in shifts (or they would take the full night so I could get a full night of sleep), cleaning, doing laundry, and taking care of DS so my H and I could get out of the house together. One of the best things that helped me was going to a couple of places H and I would frequent pre-baby and just feeling "normal" for a few hours.
It sounds like you have a great plan already though! You are a great sister!
My hormones were crazy after DD, and I would get so anxious when other people would try to do the things that I thought I should be doing. Not so much with DS - I was all "yeah, sure, you go ahead and do everything while I sleep" with him - but with DD, my hormone crash was way harder. I couldn't give up the night shift because hormones. I preferred to give up a few hours in the mornings so I could sleep because for some reason, I felt like I was failing DD if I didn't do it all myself during the night, but not if the sun was out. Logic was not my strong point during the hormone crash.
Beyond that, I liked when my friends showed up with lunch and cleaned up afterwards. My sister went grocery shopping for us when she came to visit. MIL sent me out to Target to pick up something instead of going herself, and then she texted me while I was there to say that DD was sleeping, so I should take my time. (She later - like years later - admitted that was a lie because she knew I needed a break from the crying. She was right; I desperately needed that break.)
I understand everything in the first paragraph. That was me. I was an insane person. lol
My mom did exactly this several times in the early days. And if my sister's baby cries I will not tell her.
I remember last summer getting so pissed at my MIL because I left DD with her so I could go to my 6 week pp appointment and do some shopping alone and she texted after about 30 minutes to tell me that DD scratched her face with her fingernails and I was already a bundle of nerves about leaving her and why can't I just get 2 hours where I don't have to think of my kids.....I was not in the best state of mind. When we left her the next time, I specifically told her under no circumstances unless its an emergency to text or e-mail about anything kid related.
Post by thebreakfastclub on Sept 4, 2015 7:28:37 GMT -5
I had a C/S on Monday and was out to lunch and Target on Friday.
Unlike a lot of PPs, I just wasn't 100% engaged with the baby at that point. I wanted him to sleep in the corner while I relaxed. Luckily, he did just that!
I walked Target for maybe 30 minutes and had lunch that first outing, and that was enough. I wanted to feel like myself again, and I wanted people to ask how I personally was doing/feeling, and not be 100% wrapped up in the baby. I suppose this trend has somewhat continued, as I was always a big baby leaver/put him down as much as possible/get him in the crib type.
I am also biased against freezer meals. I liked having fruit, cheese and trail mix/granola bars around the house. I wasn't very hungry, and I preferred to snack.
I didn't want help. Period. My MIL was mad at my parents for going home the day after I came home from the hospital(my dad was getting cancer treatments-hello!) She was also upset that I didn't want her in my house while DH went to work. I wanted her to be "on call" and she really was hurt. However, I wanted to see if I could handle having DS home by myself. I loved it. So, if your sister takes offense to you being there, because hormones and all, take her lead and don't make her feel guilty. I know my MIL didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but she did. Hormones can really be crazy!
I would have never turned down food or one quick visit a day:) I love the photographer deal, too.
You are great for all the help you are providing and it looks like she will appreciate it for sure!! I sometimes wish I hadn't been so possessive and independent due to hurt feelings, but it all worked out just fine. I loved those moments alone with DS, but I realize how isolating and stressful it can be.
For me, there were lots of things that would have helped but I had too much pride to ask for them. I wanted to be independent and prove that I wasn't a fail. However, there was laundry piled up, the house was messy, and I was worried about all sorts of minor things that added up to be a lot of mental stress on top of newborn craziness! When people came to see me, they just wanted to coo over the baby - which was great, but at the same time I didn't want to be up vacuuming while someone else held my baby. I just wanted someone to see/ know what needed to be done and do it. So basically, I needed a psychic.
Clean the house and cook all my meals. Serve them to me on the couch while I zombied out in front of the TV. Pat my head and tell me, no, the trees outside are not going to crash through the roof while I'm asleep. Walk the dogs. Drive me to Target so I could scare people with my undereye bags. Order presents for me on Amazon.
(My H was the one doing all this - just having a caring family nearby would have been really nice.)
House cleaners. I couldn't let myself accept help from family. I've never needed it before and had a hard time accepting it but to have someone else I didn't know come clean my house for me, paid for as a gift, was so amazing.
You are a good sister! I appreciated compliments the most. Lie and tell me I look awesome (I'm vain, okay) and doing a great job, and that my baby is beautiful. And FFS don't tell me I look tired.
My mom was staying with us when M was a NB. We had our differences, but I will say that she took him at 6 am every day and I slept until he was ready to eat (so like 9). This made a HUGE difference in my ability to face the day.
Be really careful about offering too much advice. It's hard to walk the line, but for some things she will want to learn her own lessons. I almost bit off my MIL's head in the middle of the night when she gave me BFing advice that she had already mentioned but I tried to politely decline.
When I had a newborn I had a friend (madisen) that I texted about every single thing under the sun. She always offered advice or commiseration, but never in an overbearing way (which absolutely some other people did). And she always initiated texts checking in to see how DD was doing which I REALLY appreciated because I was super aware that all I could talk about was the baby. But I wasn't capable of talking about anything else and she made it feel okay to talk about only the baby. lol
I'm trying to remember how she handled my crazy postpartum texts and duplicate that with my sister. I promise I'm very aware of this though!
You're such a great sister! She's lucky to have you.
It's a fine line between "What do you want me to do?" (Which was really overwhelming for me & made me feel bossy) and "Relax & let me do everything" (which made me feel useless). I'm sure you'll figure out quickly where she falls and how you can help in a way that makes her feel the best.
Let her hold her baby if she wants. I know you guys might want to cuddle, but I really liked holding my daughter early on.
I'll hold the baby if she wants me too, but I'm more concerned with doing what I can to help her. I'm sure this baby is great and all, but I've only known him for a few days and I've known my sister for 30 years. My allegiance is to her. lol
Yes exactly.
This was my mom. She did whatever I wanted or needed. Yes, she loved the baby and watched her and held her and whatever- but it was so obvious that she was doing so because she loves ME so much. She is still like this. She doesn't take DD overnight because she LOVES being with a toddler in the wee hours, but because she loves me and wants me to have time to rest, recuperate, and be with my husband.
The day I came home from the hospital (July 4th) there was a cookout at my house for like 15 people. My mom fixed my plate, got my a cushion to sit on, filled my water, made "excuses" for me when I was overwhelmed, watched my face for any indication of pain, annoyance, or discomfort. She rubbed lotion on my disgusting PUPPS rash. The 2nd night home I called her crying and she dropped everything to come stay over. She sent DH to sleep in the basement and we fought the dead of night together for two nights. Meaning I slept in my own bed and she slept on a twin bed in the nursery, brought DD to me to nurse, took cute pictures of her, whatever!
It seriously was the most amazing gift ever. I will never be able to thank her adequately- just to try to pass it on and be half the mom to DD that she has been to me.
Is there anyone she needs you guys to run interference with? My mom and sisters offered to do that if needed on a moments notice after I had AJ (well, while sisters were in town at least...mom's 20 mins away). Basically all I had to do was text my mom and say "come over and get rid of so and so for me please" and she would have done it in a heartbeat, it was really nice to know I had the option. I wasn't able to do the same in person for my sister after she had my niece, but did have to call our mom and ask her to ask our aunt to back off on the unsolicited advice (about what she thought the docs should be doing while niece was in the hospital) when my sister called me in the midst of a hormone crash and no more Percoset induced meltdown.
My mom came over and cleaned a lot, too. Vaccuuming, laundry, loading/unloading dishwasher, brushing the beagle mix who molts every summer and leaves clumps of hair all over the house if not brushed, etc.
Also if you haven't yet, warn her about the night sweats. My sister had no idea and texted me in a panic thinking something was wrong with her...she was so relieved when I told her it's normal.
This was my mom. She did whatever I wanted or needed. Yes, she loved the baby and watched her and held her and whatever- but it was so obvious that she was doing so because she loves ME so much. She is still like this. She doesn't take DD overnight because she LOVES being with a toddler in the wee hours, but because she loves me and wants me to have time to rest, recuperate, and be with my husband.
The day I came home from the hospital (July 4th) there was a cookout at my house for like 15 people. My mom fixed my plate, got my a cushion to sit on, filled my water, made "excuses" for me when I was overwhelmed, watched my face for any indication of pain, annoyance, or discomfort. She rubbed lotion on my disgusting PUPPS rash. The 2nd night home I called her crying and she dropped everything to come stay over. She sent DH to sleep in the basement and we fought the dead of night together for two nights. Meaning I slept in my own bed and she slept on a twin bed in the nursery, brought DD to me to nurse, took cute pictures of her, whatever!
It seriously was the most amazing gift ever. I will never be able to thank her adequately- just to try to pass it on and be half the mom to DD that she has been to me.
(heart) (also )
This is my goal in my life too. To be to DD what my mom is to me. And not just now as a baby/toddler/child/teen, but as a grown adult with children of her own. I'll still be her parent then.
My mom always said in the early days, "That's your baby and we'll all take care of her, but you're my baby. How you feel about her is how I feel about you, but multiplied by 30 years."
(motherhood has made me such a sap lol)
(heart) This is so my mom too. It's my goal to be that mom for my future daughter (if we have 2.0 and if it's a girl) or DIL if she's okay with that.
Is there anyone she needs you guys to run interference with? My mom and sisters offered to do that if needed on a moments notice after I had AJ (well, while sisters were in town at least...mom's 20 mins away). Basically all I had to do was text my mom and say "come over and get rid of so and so for me please" and she would have done it in a heartbeat, it was really nice to know I had the option. I wasn't able to do the same in person for my sister after she had my niece, but did have to call our mom and ask her to ask our aunt to back off on the unsolicited advice (about what she thought the docs should be doing while niece was in the hospital) when my sister called me in the midst of a hormone crash and no more Percoset induced meltdown.
Her MIL is coming on Monday or Tuesday and she can be INCREDIBLY overbearing (also she's super into BFing and I'm a little worried she'll give my sister a hard time...). I'll be at work, but my mom works a mile from my sister's house and is on call for that exact situation if needed.
Perfect. I think my mom was kind of bummed she didn't get to go into mama bear GTFO mode (though I did almost ask her and my sisters to come over early the day after we came home from the hospital to spur FIL and SMIL to leave). She's a nice lady but when it comes to her girls she gives zero fucks about who she pisses off.
I also have decided that the next time I have a baby, I am going to have my DH or MIL or whatever be on DD1 duty so my mom can do a repeat performance and focus on me & new baby.
If you help do things around the house, don't ask a lot of questions. My MIL tried to help but it stressed me out a lot when she would ask me where something went or how I liked something done. I just wanted to yell that it was easier for me to do it myself. Hormones are nuts.
Oh, here's one. Yardwork. Does she have anyone on top of yardwork for her? And if not can your dad do it or hire out for it? J was off for 9 days but after that staying on top of the lawn mowing and stuff was hard (because on his days off he wanted to be spending time with his baby not cutting the grass) so while J was at work my dad would come over and pick up dog crap/mow the lawn while my mom either pulled weeds or hung out with AJ and I. That way J didn't have to worry about it on his days off.
I think other people have adequately covered the suggestions. I just wanted to add that it's really kind and generous of you guys to do this. Not everyone has family who goes out of their way like this
So I am probably NOT the norm but I wanted someone to hold/watch DD so that I could clean. I felt so 'tied' to her, 24/7...a couple of hours to myself, yes, even cleaning, was lovely.
When my DH went back to work (he travels full time) my MIL came at 7pm and spent the night letting me sleep from 4am to 10am then my mom would come around 10am with breakfast and they would switch shifts. This was amazing and so helpful, I didn't feel like they we taking over but just that I had enough sleep to actually take care of dd. my mom made sure I had groceries and meals during the day and my mil made sure I got 4 hours of sleep in a row. It was amazing.
Eta- flameful for sure but my mom wrote all my thank you notes and mailed them out for me. I was so overwhelmed. These were all for gifts received after dd was born. (Promise I wrote all mine from the showers and previous gifts)
those thank you notes were overwhelming, no flames here!
Post by jennistarr1 on Sept 4, 2015 9:50:47 GMT -5
oh someone mentioned a beagle...If they have a dog...BE GOOD TO THE DOG. I felt so guilty to my furbaby with all the changes so someone bringing my dog a bone, rubbig his belly, act like they are visiting him, taking him for a walk...would really help me feel better
This was my mom. She did whatever I wanted or needed. Yes, she loved the baby and watched her and held her and whatever- but it was so obvious that she was doing so because she loves ME so much. She is still like this. She doesn't take DD overnight because she LOVES being with a toddler in the wee hours, but because she loves me and wants me to have time to rest, recuperate, and be with my husband.
The day I came home from the hospital (July 4th) there was a cookout at my house for like 15 people. My mom fixed my plate, got my a cushion to sit on, filled my water, made "excuses" for me when I was overwhelmed, watched my face for any indication of pain, annoyance, or discomfort. She rubbed lotion on my disgusting PUPPS rash. The 2nd night home I called her crying and she dropped everything to come stay over. She sent DH to sleep in the basement and we fought the dead of night together for two nights. Meaning I slept in my own bed and she slept on a twin bed in the nursery, brought DD to me to nurse, took cute pictures of her, whatever!
It seriously was the most amazing gift ever. I will never be able to thank her adequately- just to try to pass it on and be half the mom to DD that she has been to me.
(heart) (also )
This is my goal in my life too. To be to DD what my mom is to me. And not just now as a baby/toddler/child/teen, but as a grown adult with children of her own. I'll still be her parent then.
My mom always said in the early days, "That's your baby and we'll all take care of her, but you're my baby. How you feel about her is how I feel about you, but multiplied by 30 years."
(motherhood has made me such a sap lol)
OMG you two. Thank God I am working from home today.
oh someone mentioned a beagle...If they have a dog...BE GOOD TO THE DOG. I felt so guilty to my furbaby with all the changes so someone bringing my dog a bone, rubbig his belly, act like they are visiting him, taking him for a walk...would really help me feel better
That was me and yeah now that I think about it, my parents made it a point to love all over the dogs and give them treats when they were over.