Post by tacosforlife on Sept 21, 2015 13:09:43 GMT -5
I've read similar stories to this before, but it just seems so important to keep talking about it in light of the coming showdown over Planned Parenthood funding and all the lies being spewed about PP. Reproductive rights matter.
Rebecca Cohen is a health-care researcher based in the District.
In coming days, the Senate is expected to consider a federal ban on abortions at 20 weeks. Before lawmakers cast their votes, I would like them to hear my story.
If such a ban had been in place a year ago, I would have been condemned to carry and give birth to a baby who had no chance at life.
I have been happily married for more than a decade, and I have two beautiful children. When my husband and I found out last year that I was pregnant again, we were overjoyed.
At 20 weeks, my husband and I went for our favorite prenatal visit: the detailed ultrasound anatomy scan that shows your baby’s heart, kidneys, bladder, stomach, spine and brain and whether you’re having a girl or a boy. I could barely contain myself as I sat on the exam table, eager to meet our baby more intimately. My husband and I chit-chatted with the ultrasound technician, gabbing and laughing when we recognized familiar features on the ultrasound images.
But after five minutes, only my husband and I were talking. The technician had grown quiet. She just kept printing picture after picture and pressing the wand deeper into the gel on my stomach.
My husband and I reached for each other’s hands. We asked the technician if everything was all right, and she said we should wait for a doctor to talk to us. When the OB/GYN entered, I remember asking point-blank, “Is there a chance our child will be okay?” He responded kindly, softly and unequivocally: “No.”
Over the next week came referrals to high-risk pregnancy specialists and more, longer, in-depth ultrasounds. In our baby’s brain cavity, where gray matter should have been visible, there was only black. The diagnosis was the same from every doctor: Something — we would learn it was not genetic or chromosomal — had caused two leaks in our baby’s brain, one on each side, destroying it almost entirely.
We would have done anything to save the baby. We asked if there was any possibility for repair, if the brain tissue could regrow. There wasn’t. My baby would either die in the womb or shortly after birth.
Our child would never gain consciousness.
Our little one was gone.
I have never known horror quite like that. Adding to the pain, the brain stem was not affected, so the baby’s body was still moving involuntarily. But I knew there was no person in there anymore. I couldn’t sleep and could barely eat, and every time the baby jerked, I suffered and mourned.
I didn’t know what to tell my kids. They kept kissing my belly, feeling for kicks and singing to the baby. I didn’t know what words to choose, but it hardly mattered, because I couldn’t finish a sentence without sobbing.
I had a choice. I could try to live with the husk of a child inside of me for more than 100 days, swallowing tears at every cheery inquiry as I grew bigger. Or I could have an abortion. And the choice wasn’t just about me. I have young children who would have had to see their mother endure this torture and give birth to someone they would never meet. So we made the painful, but I believe merciful, decision to terminate.
Even after we made that decision, it was difficult to find an available provider, even in an area with as many medical providers as the District. The hospitals had weeks-long waits. In the end, we were able to schedule an appointment at a surgical clinic for the following week.
My pregnancy was 21 weeks on the day of my abortion.
I mourn the loss of my baby every day. But I have no doubt that I made the right decision for myself and my family, and I am grateful that it was my choice to make. I am indebted to my medical providers for their compassion and care. They answered my questions, spent hours on the phone to give me as many options as possible and followed my lead.
According to the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, just more than 1 percent of abortions take place at week 21 or later, many because of devastating medical situations like ours. Each of these mothers must battle through her own hell to decide on and find the medical care she needs, gather her friends and family to lean on, and grieve.
Congress should not take this decision away from any woman — any family — who is in need. Banning abortions after 20 weeks would be arbitrary, and its consequences would place an unimaginable burden on women like me.
When an abortion was the best of only horrible options, I was beyond grateful that one was available in a safe, compassionate medical establishment. And that my family could begin to heal. I hope our senators will consider women and families like mine before casting their votes.
Some women might have chosen to carry that baby to term, and that's fine. But CHOICE. Again, CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE. That's what's so important here.
Post by penguingrrl on Sept 21, 2015 13:16:45 GMT -5
How tragic. I can't imagine that kind of pain. It takes a special kind of asshkme to not understand that this is nearly all of what late term abortion bans prevent.
That's so sad. I just can't fathom being forced to continue a pregnancy under circumstances like those, and I can't understand how someone couldn't support her right to do what she did.
Some women might have chosen to carry that baby to term, and that's fine. But CHOICE. Again, CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE CHOICE. That's what's so important here.
You said this perfectly. When you get the "incompatible with life" diagnosis, you should be able to choose what is best for your family and have safe, easy access to that. To make it difficult or ban it all together is just cruel.
Ugh....this whole controversy over PP disgusts me and highlights how little Republicans care for women's health. All they could talk about at the debate was how they were all going to defund PP, it was their unity horse. WTF?!? Government doesn't even pay for abortions so basically they're saying how they can't wait to defund something that provides invaluable health care to woman all over the country.
I feel so insulted as a woman by the Republican party and ignorance/callousness/stupidity towards women's health issues. It boils my blood.
Thank you for posting this. I put it on my Facebook, where my pro-life family could read it, and where my pro-choice friends can share it.
I was assigned a speech back in college. My topic was third-trimester/partial birth abortions. One of my co-workers from a prior job was ferociously against them because "they're babies, they're viable, it's murder." I thought, "I could never condone killing a baby that far along." One of my at-the-time co-workers simply asked "What if it had a brain stem but no brain?" That stuck with me and turned me strongly into the "all choices, all the time" camp. There should be no restriction on the choice to have an abortion, because after the first, every restriction comes into play and creates even more - and soon they will again be banned completely.
(see my sig. quote by fmr. US Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders.)
Post by mcsangel2 on Sept 21, 2015 13:57:15 GMT -5
This was my sister's situation, but she was 24 weeks. They had tried to get pregnant for 5 years, and finally had IUI and became pregnant with triplets, 2 of whom miscarried at 7 weeks. They were left with their son and received an incompatible with life diagnosis at her 22 week ultrasound.
I want to yell so loud at these people supporting this ban. I want to ask each and every one of them who they think the women having abortions after 20 weeks are.
ETA: My sis and BIL now have 4 healthy children. My older niece, who's 17, would not be here if my sister had been forced to carry her first pregnancy to term.
Post by tacosforlife on Sept 21, 2015 14:02:38 GMT -5
mcsangel2, that story is heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your sister's loss.
After Dr. Tiller was murdered, Andrew Sullivan had a series on his blog in which many women shared their stories of why they were seeking late-term abortions. Pretty much all of them were horrifically heartbreaking. I was pro-choice before reading that series, but I think that is what pushed me toward the militant side of things. I don't know how you could hear those stories and still want the government dictating pregnant women's care.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Sept 21, 2015 14:14:35 GMT -5
I am so glad this woman shared her story. This is exactly why choice is so important. I cannot imagine being forced to carry a pregnancy to term knowing it won't survive, having to answer due date questions and name questions and strangers touching you day after day after day, mourning the loss and then mourning it all over again when your body goes into labor. How incredibly heartbreaking.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Post by autumnfire on Sept 21, 2015 14:19:15 GMT -5
This just hurts my heart to read. I am going to share this on my FB her story is one of many that need to be heard. Women deserve the right to choose and if I was in her position I'd likely do the same.
Our last loss was due to Triploidy it's a genetic abnormality where the child receives a full extra set of chromosomes. After hearing her diagnosis I'm in a way grateful (yes that's extremely hard to say) that she passed soon instead of being born to the pain that Triploidy causes and is in all cases fatal either before or a few days after birth. If our daughter had made it to 20 weeks we would have had a decision on our hands. Something we both think about from time to time even now. Loosing her earlier we felt was best for her she didn't have to suffer like she would have if she was born and endured umpteen painful problems that ultimately would have taken her life. The choice is important no one knows what the future could bring or the reasons why someone needs to have the procedure (nor is it really anyone's business).
This women is so amazing to share her story. Thank you for sharing with us!
Post by Velar Fricative on Sept 21, 2015 14:40:52 GMT -5
Mine happened at 21 weeks too, and my would-be EDD is in 3 days. I hate that our stories have to be put out there so people don't think we're monsters and see the need for choice, but people suck. I didn't just wake up at 21 weeks and decide to get an abortion for shits and giggles. I'd much rather be preparing for a newborn right now.
Post by tacosforlife on Sept 21, 2015 14:43:07 GMT -5
I didn't realize your EDD was so close, Velar Fricative. So many hugs to you. I think of you every time I read something on this topic and find myself sad for your loss but glad you were at least able to get the care you needed.
Post by open24hours on Sept 21, 2015 14:44:36 GMT -5
I think this woman is brave for choosing to terminate her pregnancy. Had she made the choice to carry the baby to term, that would have been a brave decision as well.
I think it is cowardly for anti-choice politicians to restrict access to abortions while refusing to confront and address the many complexities of why a woman (and her family) would choose to have an abortion.
It is unconscionable that people really think this woman, and the many others who find themselves in similar situations, should not have a choice.
Hugs, Velar Fricative. I didn't realize your EDD was so close but I wish you peace in this difficult time.
Tacos, thanks for sharing this story. I think only a heartless person could read that and think "that mother should have been forced to carry to term."
The Catholic story on the first page. Opponents who are using the Bible as a reference really should read it, digest it, and live it. Who are they to judge? Seems to me like they are themselves taking the position of God sitting in determination.
Something (the priest) said that brought us great comfort was “God knows what is in your hearts.” God knows our choice was based on mercy and compassion. Who would better understand our hearts than God, who made the choice for His own Son to die?
Thank you to those who have shared your stories. Velar Fricative I wish you peace these next days. I am sorry for your loss.
And for those who say they would never terminate... I don't think it's something you know until you have to decide.
A friend's sister was always vocally prolife. She terminated her pregnancy when they got an incompatible with life diagnosis.
An acquaintance from college has always been prochoice, and she had always said she would terminate. She chose to carry to term. Her daughter died a few minutes after birth.
Post by ChillyMcFreeze on Sept 21, 2015 16:38:38 GMT -5
And yet, there are still extremists in Congress who would probably tell this woman she could have had a miracle if she had just waited. There is such a flagrant disregard for science by some members on the Right. It's not an inability to imagine stories like this -- it's the belief that they're so rare they shouldn't be considered. But as we've seen with too many of our very own, they're not rare at all, and they're traumatic for each mother who has to experience them. And still we see measures like defunding PP and attempts to overturn Roe, because it's not about the women. /rambling rant
And thank you for the link Tacos. I've been reading it and, while heartbreaking, those stories are so important to hear. It was stories like those that made me really think about abortion for the first time while in my teens.
On the flip side, I have a cousin who was born with moderate mental retardation. She lived in a group home and got pregnant by a man from the group home who also had a number of disabilities. Her mother wanted her to terminate, but she wanted to have her very own baby that she could play with like a doll. :?
The baby was born with severe brain damage. He is now 24 years old and has never stood up, never walked, never spoken, never fed himself. They live in a one bedroom apartment of subsidized housing, with round the clock medical care paid for by the state. She has never worked and receives some kind of state assistance, plus his disability. I can only imagine the millions of dollars federal and state taxpayers have paid to support him, and I wonder how sacred and wonderful and miraculous conservatives and the anti-choice crowd think that is.
When our first pregnancy was diagnosed last year with T21, Sully was running his series on the Down's spectrum. It was not what made our decision for us, but the personal, tragic stories about the non high-functioning side of Down Syndrome (which you rarely see) just underscored that a high functioning kid who happened to be a bit different was by no means a guarantee. I was shocked at the stats for T21 diagnosis. I had thought it was a black and white thing, and high functioning was the only outcome. But a huge number of T21 pregnancies are non viable/not compatible with life. Most do not make it full term.
In our case, with significant additional physical markers at 12 weeks, we were not looking at a child with a good chance at life. It was a heartbreaking decision that killed me to make, but it was the right one.
Other outcomes that I can share anecdotally:
- Our friends have a kid with Down syndrome who was so well developed and high functioning that he was not even diagnosed until 4 months; he's a wonderful kid, but it's hard as hell on them. - two friends of a good friend were diagnosed with T21 pregnancies at the same time I was. Both pro-life. One miscarried in the 2nd tri; the other had to deliver her baby, not alive, because the heart had stopped beating and it was too late for a procedure.
I am so thankful I was in a hospital with compassionate care and a doctor who helped us through an extremely painful, gut-wrenching situation with no good options. It wreaked havoc on my mental/emotional state. I felt like I was living a lie because we told people we lost the baby. I'm only now beginning to be more vocal about it, 18 months later. The more the fight ramps up against women, the more compelled I am to speak out.
Now I have an amazingly healthy baby girl who wouldn't be here otherwise. I feel very lucky.
Our last loss was due to Triploidy it's a genetic abnormality where the child receives a full extra set of chromosomes. After hearing her diagnosis I'm in a way grateful (yes that's extremely hard to say) that she passed soon instead of being born to the pain that Triploidy causes and is in all cases fatal either before or a few days after birth. If our daughter had made it to 20 weeks we would have had a decision on our hands. Something we both think about from time to time even now. Loosing her earlier we felt was best for her she didn't have to suffer like she would have if she was born and endured umpteen painful problems that ultimately would have taken her life. The choice is important no one knows what the future could bring or the reasons why someone needs to have the procedure (nor is it really anyone's business).
This women is so amazing to share her story. Thank you for sharing with us!
This is exactly my story. My second child - a very much wanted and loved child - had triploidy. He passed and I am grateful that I didn't have to make that heart-wrenching choice. But I am also grateful that it is a choice.
After going through that I am even more pro-choice and am glad that woman are brave enough to share their stories.