I should also add that this has been going on for nearly 3 years - including but not limited to the time I was undergoing fertility treatments, pregnant and post-partum. One video request was the day before I went into labor (but my child was a slight bit early)... another was 16 days following birth
If I did what I really want to, I would print out copies of everything and send to his parents, friends, bosses and subordinates at work so he would be destroyed personally and professionally.
 I will say, don't do this. At least not right now. You may decide you want to stay with him, and you will not want people to hate your husband. Also, since you will need him to pay child support if you do leave him, you can't really afford to ruin him professionally.Â
I know but usually I would be going scorched earth. I still may take it to my ils bc they would be appalled (and rightfully so)
Damn this is bad. Where do you plan on confronting him? Please stay safe and smart.
I don't know. I am traveling this week so I am going to use some time to process. I may very well come home with the evidence tomorrow and put it for him to find. The other part of me wants to wait and see if/when he does it again and confront him basically in real time.
I know but usually I would be going scorched earth. I still may take it to my ils bc they would be appalled (and rightfully so)
I wouldn't do this either. How would it benefit you or your child?
Because they and everyone else, including formerly me, think he is so perfect. He is a good father, provider and, I thought, partner/husband. This would ruin them, like it has ruined me and frankly they deserve it.
It also puts him on the defensive - impossible to talk his way out with the evidence I have.
I really appreciate all the responses here. I have felt like I wanted to claw my way out of my skin since I discovered this on Friday night. I've spent 2 days, most of that together, acting like everything is fine and it is killing me.
Does your company has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? If so contact they should be able to set you up with a counselor (and you can usually get several sessions free of charge).
I would contact a lawyer to understand what your rights are in your state.
Also you can check out the site surviving infidelity (dot) com for help and resources.
He's betrayed your trust. He knows what he was doing was wrong, hence why he kept it from you. Defining it as cheating or not doesn't really matter, honestly. He's not acting in good faith as your spouse.
Take whatever time you need to get your thoughts in order and your ducks in a row. I've been in a similar position with my XH, unfortunately. Pull a credit report on yourself and put a freeze on your credit for a while, especially if you confront him. If this is a compulsion he can't control then he may get desperate. The suggestion to get an STD screen is a good one.
My final suggestion is to seek out a therapist and a lawyer. Even if you decide to stay, you will want a way to process this with some professionals. If you decide to leave, they will be invaluable in helping you heal and protect yourself.
Post by badtzmaru22 on Oct 4, 2015 19:31:25 GMT -5
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I have no advice. I would probably be insane over the amount of money spent, and not able to keep a clear head, so I admire you for that. Vent here if you need to. ::hugs::
Wow, I can't even with the follow ups. Whether friends or family would consider it cheating, doesn't matter. There was a huge breach of trust and that's all the matters when it's your marriage.
You've received helpful advice, so I have nothing to add. We're here for you.
Post by imojoebunny on Oct 4, 2015 20:23:53 GMT -5
I am sorry you have to go through this. I would only add to what the others have said that you want to make sure you document all your assets and debts, no matter what you decide to do. Things have a way of "disappearing" when people are confronted with infidelity, especially, if you mention divorce. A visit with an attorney is a good way to know your options if things go south. This alone might not send me over the edge, but without remorse or a change, I think I could easily change my mind.
I am impressed by how methodical you are being despite how painful this is. I wish you the best of luck compiling all the information you need regardless of how you plan to use it and wish you lots of strength. I do hope you'll find a therapist to help you process it all.
Everyone else has said this already, but we are most definitely here for you!
I am impressed by how methodical you are being despite how painful this is. I wish you the best of luck compiling all the information you need regardless of how you plan to use it and wish you lots of strength. I do hope you'll find a therapist to help you process it all.
Everyone else has said this already, but we are most definitely here for you!
I almost feel like a sociopath, with how cool I am being on the exterior. I mean, we were talking babies, potential names, etc. not even an hour ago and the whole time I was screaming on the inside "F-U".
I'm so sorry, mmmae123. Sometimes it takes a really fucked up situation (pardon my language) to show us the super-human strength we have deep inside of us. You are most definitely NOT a sociopath!