I'd make sure to be very clear that you want the WHOLE TRUTH now and that the only chance at saving your marriage resides with him telling you EVERYTHING. Tell him if you find out down the line (and you will find out as you found this) that there is more, anything else shady, then that will be the end. Convince him to come completely clean because if there is anything else you can bet he'll initially try to keep that quiet too, of course.
I am so sorry that you are going through this now and wish you strength and peace in moving forward, whatever you decide to do. Just take care of your kid and yourself first.
I wonder if he wanted to get caught. What dumb dumb uses Amazon in this matter and thinks they will get away with that?
We have separate Amazon accounts so it was just a fluke that I found it in the first place. If it was on a shared account, it would have been discovered years ago b/c I am constantly returning stuff.
1. You're not a sociopath. You're doing what you have to do right now. You're being strong and rational in the face of something really hard. Be prepared to crash emotionally at some point.
2. Confront him in person. You need to see his reactions in real time and not allow him time to come up with a story, damage your possessions, etc.
3. If you have concerns about your child, I'm a bit nervous. Make sure s/he is with your family and that you confront H in a semi public place. Make sure someone knows where you are.
4. I'm glad you're meeting with an attorney and really think you need meet with a therapist too. This is a lot to deal with and process.
5. I get that you love your H, but he should make you happy. You deserve that. Maybe you still can be with him. I don't know yet. You'll know a lot more once you confront him.
I am lazy. I don't want a divorce. I don't want that much upheaval in my life. I can't afford to keep my house or any of my lifestyle without him. I want more children and not to have to start over with another person in order to get them. I want him to apologize, cease contact, get therapy and talk it out so he can slowly gain back my trust. Only if he can't follow through with that would I truly WANT to divorce.
I'm not going to touch this right now because everything is still very new but this makes me really sad.
What if he asks you for a divorce? You need to prepare for a lot of different scenarios.
I haven't considered him wanting a divorce. That was just not on my radar at all. As was the comment about wanting to get caught.
I mean, we had started TTC #2. We have 2 very $$$ vacations coming up, one of which is with my family. We have other plans for our future.
We have talked about divorce, in general in the abstract sense (we had good friends who were going to divorce and reconciled), and it is something he very much does not want, especially now that we have a child. He despises that the court system generally favors women in custody agreements.
When I write it out, it makes him sound like an ass, but before all this I thought he was a decent human being.
I wonder if he wanted to get caught. What dumb dumb uses Amazon in this matter and thinks they will get away with that?
I'm not doing anything super shady, but I definitely spend a lot more money on absolutely unnecessary crap than my DH would like. I do not expect him to look at my specific accounts, including Amazon, anytime soon. Obviously, if he did, it wouldn't be marriage-threatening or anything, but I do expect a certain amount of cluelessness on his end regarding my Boden/Tea Collection/etc. passwords and purchasing activity. I'm not sure how much of this, in the OP's case, is wanting to get caught, necessarily, v. just a normal assumption of online privacy?
It takes two to reconcile. And a lot of the weight will be on him to rebuild the trust that's been lost.
I sincerely hope you guys can make it work if that's what you want. But you can't know right now, so you need to be prepared for all options. He's already shown you he's not who you thought he was.
I find it a bit concerning that you are worried he might take off with your kid and disappear, yet are also all "we've got vacations coming up! I don't want a divorce!" etc.
I wonder if he wanted to get caught. What dumb dumb uses Amazon in this matter and thinks they will get away with that?
I'm not doing anything super shady, but I definitely spend a lot more money on absolutely unnecessary crap than my DH would like. I do not expect him to look at my specific accounts, including Amazon, anytime soon. Obviously, if he did, it wouldn't be marriage-threatening or anything, but I do expect a certain amount of cluelessness on his end regarding my Boden/Tea Collection/etc. passwords and purchasing activity. I'm not sure how much of this, in the OP's case, is wanting to get caught, necessarily, v. just a normal assumption of online privacy?
I just so easy to leave it logged in at any computer. I always forget to log out of my amazon account. We don't share Amazon accounts but he knows I have a prime account and often get Amazon packages. It just seems like a bad move to use that to send your online mistress stuff from. Sorry OP.
I think waiting until after your trip is probably the best bet. You'll meet with the lawyer, have your child someplace safe just in case it goes badly. Also, make sure somebody trusted knows when and where you are telling him, and tell that person to call you at approximately X time and if you don't answer to take X action.
I mean, I'm not saying things are going to go scary bad but if you fear he'd run off with your child I think it makes sense you have some safeguards in place for both the child and for yourself.
I find it a bit concerning that you are worried he might take off with your kid and disappear, yet are also all "we've got vacations coming up! I don't want a divorce!" etc.
People, when faced with things like this, can act two ways, right? Fight or flight. Flight would honestly just be easier. Delete everything, disappear, etc. Is it likely, no of course not. But just the other day he was in a slight panic about how he couldn't find his passport, prompted by the news report that people in certain states will now need it to travel domestically, so that is fresh in my mind.
I find it a bit concerning that you are worried he might take off with your kid and disappear, yet are also all "we've got vacations coming up! I don't want a divorce!" etc.
There are tons of ideas that go running through your head at stressful times like these. Don't worry about that. Just do what you've gotta do.
yes true. I know I would be behaving and thinking extremely irrationally right now. I commend the OP for her level headedness because I just picture myself going batshit crazy on my H and not even taking the time to do any of the reasonable things she has done!
I'm going to tell you something that someone very wise told me -
If divorce is never an option then you have given your power away.
I'm not telling you to divorce him if you don't want to, but you should have a bottom, a basic level of caring someone should show you. if he knows you won't leave because you like your life too much, then there exists no impetus to do better.
First, huge hugs. It's hard to imagine that betrayal.
Second, from what I have seen of these situations with others on the boards, it seems like the first instinct for the cheater is always to deny and delete. Then it seems like more deceit comes to light and there is a cycle of anger then groveling. I think since you've wisely gathered so much concrete evidence, you're in a good position to demand absolute transparency immediately. If it were me, my strategy would be to confront him and ask him to come clean. In the same conversation, I'd ask for his credit card statements, e-mail password, and phone immediately in the name of him earning back your trust. Then you can see where you go from there. I'd want to have LO with family overnight. Preferably my family. I can't imagine how hard it's been for you to act like nothing happened, but if possible, I'd try to do this as you come back from your trip.
Coming from someone who has BTDT, do not give up your sources, if at all possible. Do not show your entire hand with the first conversation. Why? Then he has a chance of going further underground. Also, there is something called "trickle truth". People tell just enough of the truth to satisfy the other person but also enough to protect themselves. There might not be "more" but be prepared that there might be.
Head over to surviving infidelity.com and check out the message boards and the healing library. My XH had a penchant for online chat po.rn as well as phone line calls (hello, 1993 called, they want their technology back) and after further digging, he had very specific tastes. I also found out that he had physically cheated on me.
For me, just watching online po.rn wasn't the issue. The issues was the lying, the having specific interactions with the online women during chats and him not touching me. Oh and the fact he banged his exgf 10 days before our wedding (I didn't find out for almost 2 years) and kept interacting with her. That and the fact he spent $$$$ of money that was set aside for my potential unemployment (I was the breadwinner) and if I kept my job, our nest egg to start having kids.
oh, and as for keeping calm and feeling like a sociopath? BTDT as well. I kept gathering my sources for 2 weeks and didn't show my hand until we went back to marriage counseling. My friends that knew were amazed at my calmness. For me, anger would have solved nothing. I got angry later but not through the whole process.
I have called 3 therapists this morning and none have returned my calls. One was very rude for the 2 seconds I spoke with her, so she's off the list even if she does call me back.
Oh dear, you are not a sociopath for being calm! A lot of people are hard-wired to have their brains take over in a crisis situation and then let the emotions in later when it's safe. Shonda Rhimes has made a nice career portraying these types onscreen.
OP, I'm way late to this thread so pp have said pretty much everything already, but do you think you could still see him the same way if you did stay? I feel like after the initial shock of this wears off, I would look at my husband differently. Probably more so than if it were just a "traditional affair." Like the thought process to get over and accept a straight-forward physical affair would be easier for some reason. This just has a whole different level of deceit, fantasies that completely conflict with who you think he is, etc. I don't know, I feel like I wouldn't be able to look at my H the same if I discovered something like this. I would hate for you to stay and have another child with him, only to realize 2-3 years down the road that you don't respect or trust him at all anymore.
Giving him one piece of information like hey I found this odd purchase on your Amazon account and seeing what he says.
I don't know maybe it's a bad idea.
Honestly, I like this idea. I think if there is more, which I would be fearful but suspicious of, I wouldn't want to reveal all I know (or don't know). It might be best to tell him that you know things have been going on and you have proof but let him make his own admissions. There may be much more to unravel and he may give that to you.
Or I guess, you could word questions as open ended as possible. So after talking for a while, say something like, "alright, now tell me about [the app you mentioned]". It shows you have knowledge of it without giving away that you don't know much about his use/involvement with it.
Another thing that crossed my mind - how can he/I/anyone be sure that this woman was of legal age when this all started. I mean she has a legitimate looking website, but that's today. She also looks older than 18, or even 21, but she appears heavily made up.
Another thing that crossed my mind - how can he/I/anyone be sure that this woman was of legal age when this all started. I mean she has a legitimate looking website, but that's today. She also looks older than 18, or even 21, but she appears heavily made up.
I'm guessing she's heavily made up to make herself look younger, but this isn't something on the top of your current list of worries.
Another thing that crossed my mind - how can he/I/anyone be sure that this woman was of legal age when this all started. I mean she has a legitimate looking website, but that's today. She also looks older than 18, or even 21, but she appears heavily made up.
I'm guessing she's heavily made up to make herself look younger, but this isn't something on the top of your current list of worries.
Protect yourself, your LO.
My husband being busted as a sex offender as a part of all of this certainly can be an (admittedly irrational) worry.
But I agree, that she is likely well over the age of majority.
OP, I'm way late to this thread so pp have said pretty much everything already, but do you think you could still see him the same way if you did stay? I feel like after the initial shock of this wears off, I would look at my husband differently. Probably more so than if it were just a "traditional affair." Like the thought process to get over and accept a straight-forward physical affair would be easier for some reason. This just has a whole different level of deceit, fantasies that completely conflict with who you think he is, etc. I don't know, I feel like I wouldn't be able to look at my H the same if I discovered something like this. I would hate for you to stay and have another child with him, only to realize 2-3 years down the road that you don't respect or trust him at all anymore.
I am not sure. If he is truly contrite and wants to stop, wants to change, I think I could eventually forgive and move on. It would take a lot of counseling, on both our parts. If he had a physical affair, I would want to castrate him. With this, I am just sad, defeated, yet angry. I am open to non-vanilla stuff, and wish he just came to me, talked to me, discussed it as a couple instead of resorting to this.