I wonder if it is my BIL you were seeing! I need to do some more investigating but we are more than positive he has a gf somewhere. Are you in GA by any chance?
You realize there is more than one cheating dirtbag in the US, right?
So, he calls me this morning, apologizing that he hurt me....annnnd asking what does he need to do for me to keep it quiet -.-
Are you fucking kidding me?! I told him he was shady as fuck and I'd tell his wife if I felt like it.
What a fucking sleaze. He essentially offered to buy you off. That actually is about as sleazy as cheating in the first place. He expects everyone to share in his shitty ethics.
Like, if he had just said he was sorry I probably would've just dropped it, but now I've asked to actively participate in his lie- which makes me feel sick. I'll probably message her on FB.
He's not sorry he hurt you - he's sorry he got busted.
As far as what he needs to do, he can go fuck himself.
It would serve him right if you did out him to his wife and you mentioned that he's in the military, so there could be more ramifications than just her divorcing his scumbag ass.
Don't message her on Facebook. Just let it go and don't waste any more time on him or his marriage. Nothing good will come out of getting involved with his drama.
Don't message her on Facebook. Just let it go and don't waste any more time on him or his marriage. Nothing good will come out of getting involved with his drama.
Already sent. Maybe I'm just extra sensitive because this is pretty much exactly how my marriage ended, and I wish someone had told me my husband was fucking other women way before I randomly figured it out.
I think in the last Tinder update they've made it where we can't find matches on FB. I've matched with people and will have several friends in common, but I can't find them with my profile (but can with my roommate's FB). This makes it so hard to do the sleuthing that we could before.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Dec 3, 2015 9:12:32 GMT -5
Whenever this comes up, people always say to stay out of it and don't tell the wife. For my 11 years here, that's always the standard advice.
And I just don't ducking get it. If your H was having sex with other women wouldn't you want to know? I'm not saying get hugely involved, but damn - send her a note and then she can do with it what she wants.
I could go on a whole feminist rant about how men have created this culture of not getting involved so they can keep doing it and not getting caught. But I won't. For now.
Don't message her on Facebook. Just let it go and don't waste any more time on him or his marriage. Nothing good will come out of getting involved with his drama.
Already sent. Maybe I'm just extra sensitive because this is pretty much exactly how my marriage ended, and I wish someone had told me my husband was fucking other women way before I randomly figured it out.
Fwiw I'm glad you did. She may try to pretend you're a liar but at some point shell realize you have no reason to make it up. And if she has suspicions already this may be what she needs. Or not. But at least you didn't help him cheat once you knew.
Don't message her on Facebook. Just let it go and don't waste any more time on him or his marriage. Nothing good will come out of getting involved with his drama.
Already sent. Maybe I'm just extra sensitive because this is pretty much exactly how my marriage ended, and I wish someone had told me my husband was fucking other women way before I randomly figured it out.
Good for you. She deserves to know exactly what kind of shitpig she's married to.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Dec 3, 2015 9:36:15 GMT -5
First, I want to say that there is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong with these men.
But. As a single woman there are some things you can do to help spot these red flags.
Once upon a time, I was attracted to men who were elusive and fun and didn't smother me. I wasn't interested in anything serious and it was handy that the types of men I was attracted to were similarly uninterested in anything serious.
I mostly fooled around with men in my pool of friends or who were friends of friends, which meant I knew for sure they weren't married or otherwise involved.
That's not always possible, obviously, so it's good to watch out for things like this:
- Are they routinely only available certain times of the day that are unusual? (e.g. No weekends, no work nights)
- Do they limit when you're "allowed" to call them or rely mostly on texts?
- Are they largely unavailable on social media?
- Have you met their friends? Been to their house / apartment? Held hands and walked around in public? Or are you always meeting in secret places or at your house?
- Do you only see them when they're visiting your town for work?
In short, if someone only wants to meet at weird times or in out of the way places / at your apartment and it's tough to find out more about them online, RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG.
With regard to messaging his wife: I feel conflicted on this issue always. My dad cheated on my mom over and over and over again and the reason they got divorced when they did is because he broke things off with a woman he was seeing and she called my mom.
It was absolutely devastating for her. She spiraled into alcoholism and depression that lasted for YEARS. And I'm so fucking angry that my dad did that to her, but also that she found out that way because the woman KNEW he was married the whole time they were fucking and her call was out of spite.
But, at the same time, I am so glad that the woman did tell my mom because my dad would never have stopped cheating or drinking or any of his other destructive behaviors had things not happened the way they did. And my mom would have spent her life married to someone who didn't value her the way she deserves to be valued.
So, I don't think you were wrong to email her. She deserves to know, even if it is painful. She might not believe you because I am sure he's got a billion excuses, as my dad did. But at least she has the information that her husband is a dickbag.
Post by cabbagecabbage on Dec 3, 2015 9:44:33 GMT -5
I'm sorry he's a pathetic loser. That sucks.
My best friend has found herself in your shoes many times and we started talking through every guy she met at her request. Sometimes she would hold back and be like, "Well, it sounds bad but..." And it was always bad. Or she'd say "The reason he can only see me every other weekend is..." and I'd give her the eye. The story ALWAYS didn't pan out and he wasn't really doing what he said or whatever.
Do you have a trusted friend you can use as a sounding board when you meet someone? If not, can you pretend? Like choose a friend who is level headed and pretend to tell the story of this guy and if you get to a part you don't want to share or feel you need to explain, REALLY go back and explore that.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Dec 3, 2015 10:16:31 GMT -5
I'm sorry you were hurt by this situation, truly. I am going to echo queserra though. I think sometimes we ignore glaring red flags or excuse them away. I had a similar stretch of really terrible guys I was dating/fucking/whatever and it kept coming out one after the other, that they were all shady dicks, and the common thread was me. I was so bored and so lonely and so insecure that I was willing to overlook the fact that we weren't spending much time out in public, or that they only came to my apartment versus me going there, or I didn't know as much as I wanted to know about them. Those were red flags and I didn't push about them because I didn't want to be without the attention. And I'm not saying you're doing this on purpose or for the same reasons, but I do think you need to reflect on some shit possibly.
Also, too little too late, but I learned the hard way not to contact a man's wife. That bit me hard in the ass, because she came after me, and wanted the man back. So I would've told you to walk away, because you don't know what you might be inviting.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Hey look - sexy and fun relationships are sexy and fun. You don't have to give that up. But it is really important if you're hoping for something more serious but you still want to have sex early on in the relationship that you pay attention to what's going on.
If they don't want to meet up with you publicly, if they only want to have sex and never go on dates, if they're not introducing you to friends or answering their phone - take notice. These are not quirks. They are giant red douchebag flags.
I haven't dated in 400 years, but I thought Tinder was for mostly hook ups? I bet the odds of cheaters are higher in stuff like that.
Not so much anymore. I'm on Tinder, and most of the profiles I see are looking for relationships rather than hookups. A really sweet friend of mine met her current boyfriend on Tinder; they just bought a house together and I'm pretty sure marriage is in the works. I was hesitant to join Tinder, but their story changed my mind, LOL!
They are all for hookups. I heard about whatsyourprice.com and trying it now. My friend went on four dates with it and paid up to 150 for one of the dates. And no, there was no sex with any of them.
I'm sorry I'm glad you messaged the wife, I'd certainly want to know as soon as possible rather than waste further time with a cheating scumbag before finding out.
They are all for hookups. I heard about whatsyourprice.com and trying it now. My friend went on four dates with it and paid up to 150 for one of the dates. And no, there was no sex with any of them.