I sent the same message to her on Facebook and Instagram (just in case it goes to that folder no one looks at on FB)
"Hi. I met your husband "name here" on Tinder and have had sex with him multiple times over the past few weeks, under the guise that he was not attached/married. Today I found out he was, in fact, married, through my own internet sleuthing. I feel really shitty about this, but someone in this situation deserves the truth."
I included a screenshot of his Tinder profile.
That's it.
This was kind of shitty.
Dude. It's shitty news. How else am I supposed to word it?
I don't think she's giggling, but come on. If you're too emotional to do it without considering her feelings, just don't. It takes away from the argument that you're doing it to be compassionate to the wife at this point. It's to get back at him.
I don't think she's giggling, but come on. If you're too emotional to so it without considering her feelings, just don't. It takes away from the argument that you're doing it to be compassionate to the wife at this point. It's to get back at him.
But what did she say that was so bad? It just read as 'here's the info' to me. She didn't get specific.
I think the cold delivery was harsh. I already said above some small changes I'd make. I get what you guys are saying about the fact that shitty news is shitty news, but I disagree that there's no way to soften the blow in delivery.
There's something awfully, um, specific about "we had sex multiple times." I don't care too much either way on the great gentler debate, but that phrase made me flinch.
Wow, that was a fucked up way of doing that. Projecting the anger you have at him at his unsuspecting wife wasn't the way to go.
I'm not projecting. I'm listing facts. We had sex, I was told he wasn't married, then I found out he was- not because he was honest with me, but because I dug it up.
My intent was not to give vague details that would invite conversation. Just wanted to put it out on the table and let her process it.
I think a gentler delivery would have been a kinder thing to do.
But how?? She just gave her an account of what happened.
Maybe I'm too soft, but I just would have cushioned it. I'm sorry to have to write you with this, but I thought you deserved to know. I met your husband on tinder, where he's advertising himself as single. I did not know that he was married, and we had been seeing each other for a few weeks before I discovered it. the other way just feels like "I fucked your husband, here's proof he's trolling for chicks online, bye." It's harsh news as it is, so I probably have been overly gentle in conveying it.
Bottom line is, I'm glad you told her and she deserved to know. I just can't imagine it being my husband and getting it worded that way. I'm sorry this guy put you through this.
I don't think she's giggling, but come on. If you're too emotional to so it without considering her feelings, just don't. It takes away from the argument that you're doing it to be compassionate to the wife at this point. It's to get back at him.
Honestly, how should she have worded it?
"I met your husband. I believed he was unmarried. We slept together. I feel awful about it. I thought you should know. Here's some proof."
That's factual, right?
It could have been softer but it's not like it was made to be dramatic and added a ton of unnecessary information.
The way you worded it would have been a lot better.
I don't know, but saying "we've had sex multiple times" comes off as a little unhinged and crazy to me. I think it opens the door to the husband telling the wife that she's some crazy stalker or something.
I understand she's upset but she has to own her own shit here. Met him on Tinder, couldn't find a FB profile, only met in the mornings. Those are some big red flags.
Maybe I'm too soft, but I just would have cushioned it. I'm sorry to have to write you with this, but I thought you deserved to know. I met your husband on tinder, where he's advertising himself as single. I did not know that he was married, and we had been seeing each other for a few weeks before I discovered it. the other way just feels like "I fucked your husband, here's proof he's trolling for chicks online, bye." It's harsh news as it is, so I probably have been overly gentle in conveying it.
I am 73% sure that receiving that information hurts the same whether it was padded with flowery language or not. 27% chance I'm wrong, though.
Oh no I don't disagree that it doesn't make it any less devastating. But I thought of it more like a Doctor coming out to say. "I'm so sorry, they didn't make it." Instead of "hey, he's dead."
I think the cold delivery was harsh. I already said above some small changes I'd make. I get what you guys are saying about the fact that shitty news is shitty news, but I disagree that there's no way to soften the blow in delivery.
I just don't think any small changes will help! She didn't say I've been fucking your H, hahahaha!
I'm not saying she is laughing maniacally and enjoying picturing the wife sitting on the floor of her shower crying. Do I think softening would spare her from being hurt? LOL NO. I'm not saying that. I think even attempting to show that you are trying not to coldly deliver this really awful news goes a long way.
At this point we're just going around in circles though. I see your point, I just don't agree with it.
Maybe I'm too soft, but I just would have cushioned it. I'm sorry to have to write you with this, but I thought you deserved to know. I met your husband on tinder, where he's advertising himself as single. I did not know that he was married, and we had been seeing each other for a few weeks before I discovered it. the other way just feels like "I fucked your husband, here's proof he's trolling for chicks online, bye." It's harsh news as it is, so I probably have been overly gentle in conveying it.
Now yours is making me lol even though I agree with you. Yours is so formal.
Good afternoon:
I have attached a tinder profile for your husband in reference to the above captioned matter. I am in receipt of his semen and would like to state that I thought he was single.
Please do not hesitate to contact me should you have any questions.
Hahaha I'm obviously taking my work home with me. Mine is the lawyers version.
I also don't think she owes the wife an apology, fwiw. I also don't think she had to tell the wife, and if she was going to make that decision, a little more thought could have gone into the delivery to at least try to show compassion. I totally get if she was too upset to do that! Then don't tell her until you have calmed and healed a bit from your own hurt (which she has every right to feel! I do feel for her in this situation)
Maybe I'm too soft, but I just would have cushioned it. I'm sorry to have to write you with this, but I thought you deserved to know. I met your husband on tinder, where he's advertising himself as single. I did not know that he was married, and we had been seeing each other for a few weeks before I discovered it. the other way just feels like "I fucked your husband, here's proof he's trolling for chicks online, bye." It's harsh news as it is, so I probably have been overly gentle in conveying it.
Now yours is making me lol even though I agree with you. Yours is so formal.
Good afternoon:
I have attached a tinder profile for your husband in reference to the above captioned matter. I am in receipt of his semen and would like to state that I thought he was single.
Please do not hesitate to contact me should you have any questions.
I'm not saying she is laughing maniacally and enjoying picturing the wife sitting on the floor of her shower crying. Do I think softening would spare her from being hurt? LOL NO. I'm not saying that. I think even attempting to show that you are trying not to coldly deliver this really awful news goes a long way.
At this point we're just going around in circles though. I see your point, I just don't agree with it.
I think what you wrote was fine and factual. If I was the wife, I wouldn't need you to soften the blow nor would it be your job to make me feel better. You handled the best way you could while you are still processing the information.
That sucks. You need to do more snooping. I have no problem exhausting many avenues to learn anything I can about someone. People can be shady as hell and I trust basically no one. Bah, sorry you have to deal with this.
Wait, I'm not quite done. How does 'not trying to coldly deliver the info go a long way'? Really, what does it change? I also didn't read it as cold, just super factual.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
And I can't even take a side here, because knowing the OP, she'll come back with some awkwardly childish update that will make you regret ever opening the post in the first place, much less commenting. The less thought everyone puts into this, the better.
Wait, I'm not quite done. How does 'not trying to coldly deliver the info go a long way'? Really, what does it change? I also didn't read it as cold, just super factual.
I don't have the endurance for this shit, man. YOU WIN.
I don't think there's any way to word this that would make getting that message easier.
How would you word it? I would want to know, and I'd want to know the multiple times part, too, because by the time a H is lying and cheating you can't trust him when he says it was just once, and he's sorry.
Look, I'm really sorry but I think your husband is cheating. Here is his tinder profile.
But she doesn't think the husband is cheating, he is...with her