I left my ex-husband, he was an addict, his addiction definitely stemmed from some untreated depression. I supported him through a few rehab attempts but then he started to do dangerous things that affected my then one year old son. I took my son and left. Protecting my son was the priority. Our kids need us.
Yes! This is important. YOU are getting something out of this dysfunction. What is it and why does it have a hold on you?
Because if I take care of people (my mom, my dad, sister, H) then. They'll need and like me
my only morsel of advice - read Co-Dependent No More. It was suggested to me when I realized I was caught in the trap of doing things for then h to make me feel needed and for him to like me.
and this is the last i will say in this thread, because i don't want to become counterproductive.
you feel paralyzed right now, and i get that, but understand that every single day that you choose him, his feelings, your own feelings of being a jerk to abandon him, you are making a decision. you are choosing him, your guilt, etc. over your kids.
i know, that's really hard to hear, but i hope that it might empower you. you are not standing still. you are not paralyzed. you're already making choices.
start making the better choice. now.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, Prof. Your children and you deserve more. But this, this right here, is the truth. This is so hard, but you will get there.
Even IF we were to say that alllllll of this is his depression (which it's not, but just for the sake of argument). His illness is making your daughter sick.
If he had a highly contagious and potentially fatal disease that would spread to your children if they were living in the same house, would you leave/quarantine yourselves to ensure that your children stayed healthy and not return until he was better? Absolutely! And the disease could still take his life...but you can't risk your children's health/safety and stay in the hopes that staying would somehow cure him of the disease. What if there was a treatment available for the disease that could help him treat it and he refused to take it? Would you stay in the house, continuing to expose your children to this contagious disease while you tried to convince him that he needed to get treatment? Nope. You'd get out, protect your children, and then try to get him to get help from a safe place for you and your children.
That's what this is. We don't typically consider depression to be contagious, but in your situation, it absolutely is.
I admire your commitment to your vows, but this is NOT what God intended when He designed marriage. You are not being loved, honored, or respected, AND you are being mistreated at the VERY least.
How do you feel about separating? Would that be an easier step for you to take? Then after a period of separation, you could decide what is best for you and your kids. If "The D Word" is simply too hard for you to swallow right now, you don't have to use it...but you do have to protect yourself and your sweet babies from this disease that is already spreading to you. One step at a time. Tell yourself first you need to just get out. THEN you can decide if it's "for now" or "for good."
Post by amandakisser on Mar 29, 2017 15:08:41 GMT -5
Your H doesn't like you. If he liked you even a little bit, he wouldn't be treating you this way. He would recognize how spread thin you are, how close you are to the brink. Love shouldn't be this hard - it's not a one way street. This is way harsh, I know, but its reality. So how is this working for you?
You kids LOVE you and truly DO need you. Focus your energy on them - your daughter told you what she NEEDS from you. Take care of her and your son and everything else will fall in to place.
THOSE are the only two people who you should focus on. They are not an afterthought, or a counterpoint. They are the only two that matter, other than you yourself.
I think it only goes as far as you can handle. A good friend of mine is divorcing her husband right now, and he has some very serious mental health issues. She has stood by him for years as he has been in and out of hospitals for his bipolar and as he has refused to take his medications. It finally got to the point where she was legitimately scared that he was going to harm her...that (among a couple other reasons related to his mental state) was what finally pushed her to get out.
Try not to let him manipulate you into staying -- you do not need his or anyone else's permission to remove yourself and your child from a toxic situation.
Yes! This is important. YOU are getting something out of this dysfunction. What is it and why does it have a hold on you?
Because if I take care of people (my mom, my dad, sister, H) then. They'll need and like me
These are all "in the immediate", and while your kids are also in the immediate, putting your DH first NOW may very well impact your relationship with your kids in the future
YOu've got to think about the big picture. Not just what is in front of you right now.
Post by cricketintx on Mar 29, 2017 15:20:52 GMT -5
Just a lurker, opinion doesn't matter.
But.
If his behavior is truly stemming from depression and not being a jerk, then perhaps this anecdote will help. A very close friend of mine left a marriage to a partner with depression. He felt the very same way you are expressing here - "am I a jerk for leaving when she needs help?" "Why won't she let me help her?" and all of that. For years. He left, and she suddenly realized she didn't have her crutch anymore, and if she wanted the life she had planned on she needed to get on getting it herself. I obviously don't know the minutiae of the story, but I know that she got help, treated her depression, and has lived a happy and fulfilled life since.
Getting a divorce sucks for everyone, and I can only imagine it sucks tremendously hard for someone who is depressed and has constructed a life in an attempt to insulate themselves from their depression. I'm hopeful for your husband that perhaps his end of the story will turn out like the anecdote above, and having his spouse leave him will be the jolt he needs to realize he can't go on like this. I'm hopeful for YOU that you are able to realize that leaving makes you a good, kind, caring person who wants the absolute best possible outcome for the highest percentage of people in this situation (hopefully 100% of the people), and it sounds like that means leaving.
Yes! This is important. YOU are getting something out of this dysfunction. What is it and why does it have a hold on you?
Because if I take care of people (my mom, my dad, sister, H) then. They'll need and like me
I swear I'm not trying to sound mean or harsh but.. your kids won't when they grow up. How many women here have said that we don't have relationships with our mothers or fathers because we grew up in abusive and/or dysfunctional homes? Because one of our parents put the other parent's feelings over ours? Because they stayed when the other parent was abusive.
I really, truly hope you find your way through this quickly. I know that it's hard. So hard. I'm sorry for how much you're hurting and how much Lucy is hurting.
Post by dowagercountess on Mar 29, 2017 15:45:37 GMT -5
The only reason I came here is someone told me this thread was going on. And like a poster said up there, I was Lucy. And when it was all said and done, you know who I blamed for my fucked up childhood?
My mom.
Because even though it was my bipolar heroin addict stepfather's fault life sucked, she had the power to leave and didn't.
The only reason I came here is someone told me this thread was going on. And like a poster said up there, I was Lucy. And when it was all said and done, you know who I blamed for my fucked up childhood?
My mom.
Because even though it was my bipolar heroin addict stepfather's fault life sucked, she had the power to leave and didn't.
It's past time.
And now, if she wants to see her granddaughter, she has to come to my house to do it because I refuse to expose him to her.
Post by partiallysunny on Mar 29, 2017 16:03:11 GMT -5
As a child who's mother threaten to leave, but never did... as a child who sobbed every time there was physical and emotional abuse... as a child who knew her mother could tell how much her children suffered at the hands of their father... I beg you to do what is needed. Your children need you.
Post by hopecounts on Mar 29, 2017 16:17:49 GMT -5
I will add my Mom did choose to leave my Dad because it was no longer a healthy home for any of us and I was then and am now so grateful and proud of her. It could not have been easy for my Southern Baptist Mother to be the first in her family to get a divorce but she looked at her children and did what we needed her to.
We have virtually no relationship with our Dad but are all close with her. Lucy has made her needs clear and wishes clear. Listen and give her the gift of a safe and happy childhood.
Yes! This is important. YOU are getting something out of this dysfunction. What is it and why does it have a hold on you?
Because if I take care of people (my mom, my dad, sister, H) then. They'll need and like me
Are you worried that your family will reject you if you leave your husband? I can't recall if you told your parents, but do you have a solid stance that they got your back when you leave? Because they should. It's time your parents and sister take care of you.
Post by copperboom on Mar 29, 2017 17:48:23 GMT -5
I know it's been a long road to understanding and accepting that you and your children are being abused. But now that you realize that, it's time to act. Your SIL said you could stay with her. Take her up on it. I know you feel scared and guilty, but your children's well being has to take precedence over your feelings right now. You know what you need to do.
The only reason I came here is someone told me this thread was going on. And like a poster said up there, I was Lucy. And when it was all said and done, you know who I blamed for my fucked up childhood?
My mom.
Because even though it was my bipolar heroin addict stepfather's fault life sucked, she had the power to leave and didn't.
It's past time.
Is my dad your stepdad? Holy crap, I could have written this post myself.
There was a point in therapy a few years ago when I realized that even though I KNOW my mom saved my dad's life many MANY times (usually by having him arrested), I wish she had stayed divorced (they re-married each other 2 years after they divorced the first time) and not tried so hard to "fix him." He didn't want to be fixed.
It was a sad realization, because I do have a relationship with my dad now (he spent 8 years in prison and has been sober for about 15 years now), but I had to admit that my childhood probably would have been easier if she had just let my dad go, even if that meant he ended up dead.
The only reason I came here is someone told me this thread was going on. And like a poster said up there, I was Lucy. And when it was all said and done, you know who I blamed for my fucked up childhood?
My mom.
Because even though it was my bipolar heroin addict stepfather's fault life sucked, she had the power to leave and didn't.
It's past time.
This
My father was abused by my grandparents, and in turn, was physically and emotionally abusive to me and my sisters.
And I blame my mother
Because my dad, in his own fucked up way, thought he was doing the right thing. He thought he was being a good dad. To this day, he'll insist we had a normal middle class upbringing
But mom knew. She knew how fucked up it was. She'd watch him hit us and then when it was over, try to pull some "oh, come here so mommy can make you feel better" nonsense. She knew and she let it happen. I barely speak to my mother these days because I harbor so much resentment towards her. She didn't care enough about herself or us to leave, because she couldn't handle the thought of being on her own.
You can do this. For yourself and for your children
Post by nicbreeful on Mar 29, 2017 18:37:12 GMT -5
My friend, please know that we only say the things that are hard to hear because we care about you.
We are scared for you. And we are scared for Lucy, too!
Even if he doesn't physically abuse her.. the things he is doing, how he is showing her how to treat a spouse.. she sees this. And unless she has a really good therapist, it is absolutely within the realm of possibility that she will get older and she will seek out partners that are abusive.
It's scary and hard but you can change this narrative! You are strong and intelligent and worth being respected and treated with love.
You can do this! You have at least a few hundred women behind you and cheering you on!
When I was in my own marital paralysis my then 6 year old daughter told me it was time to stop being a mouse. That it was time to be a lion.
10 years later I still work on being strong but we have been free of him for a decade. And she has a tangible example to be the lion she told me to be.
You can do this. You can show her how to be strong, so she can be strong. We are cheering you on, you are so much stronger than you know.
I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive house. I watched my step-dad push my brother into doors. My mom could have left. Hell, she promised to leave but didn't.
I'm now 32. I'll email her *maybe* a sentence or two once a quarter. She gets all of my life updates from Facebook and my grandmother. I haven't gotten over her putting the only dad I ever knew ahead of our wellbeing.
Don't do this to yourself and more importantly, don't do this to L & D.
I know how important your faith is to you, and that you'd like to be faithful to your vows. But this "sickness and health" question, it also feels very much like another roadblock you've put up for yourself. "I can't go, because x, y, z..." And that is kind of normal. There are always excuses for not doing the hard things we know we have to do.
Personally, I keep saying I can't go on a diet until some date has passed (right now, Easter with its candy), and that buys me a little more time to keep on doing what it is easy and comfortable for me to do. But I do know that the weight I want to lose is not going to magically and easily drop off. At some point, I've got to just do it.
I think you've reached that turning point, Prof. Just be honest with him and with yourself. It's over for you. If you want to be faithful, be faithful to the truth of that. And never doubt that this is HIS doing. You sacrificed, you were patient, you put up with so much, and HE is the one who broke up your marriage by giving you nothing in return.
*Everyone* deserves better than the life you've been living - you, the kids, and your H. But he's actively preventing you from getting anywhere you want to be. You go ahead and take the steps you need to for yourself and for your kids, and know that we are all right there with you.
Long time lurker. You need to figure out how to leave. Honestly, a lot of posters here seem a little fed up with your inertia. Please just do it for your children's sake. You can figure out whether or not you've breeched your vows later. (You haven't.) You little girl needs out or history will repeat itself with Lucy.
If he doesn't want to change things, then they will never, ever change. If he cared about your feelings or your relationship, he would have made changes. It's time now for you to make the changes for you.