I was flamed before by pointing out that there are often 2 people in a cycle of abuse. Jenny1980 said you are complicit in abusing Lucy by not leaving.
Oh FFS, this isn't about you.
This one is such a weird bird. Every freakin' time.
((ProfessorArtNerd)) I know everyone always says it, but we say it because it's true: you've got this. (heart)
Post by cabbagecabbage on Mar 30, 2017 7:49:45 GMT -5
I agree with pretty much everything here but I wanted to say I've seen you getting stronger. I've seen you become brave enough to do and to try and that's really significant. But bravery and courage are doing the thing that needs doing even when you're scared. It's not waiting until you're ready. You'll never be ready. Change is scary. But you have to push forward even when you think you can't.
You're waiting for him to make a change but you aren't making change. Let's be real, which is the two of you does everything? This is going to be on you too. When it gets scary, you'll have your babies holding your hands and you'll be building something better. You deserve it. They deserve it.
All this time you've spent thinking and afraid was to be sure. You ARE sure. You're just scared. You can't invent another step to delay the the process at the detriment of your kids' stability and happiness. The balance has tipped and now it's not ok to keep waiting. I'll be wishing you the very very best.
Post by amandakisser on Mar 30, 2017 7:51:43 GMT -5
You KNOW everyone here is supportive of you, and I think we are at the point of giving you tough love because you need to hear it. I am rooting for you - you are a great mom and you will do right by your children. At this point, I think you just need to rip off the bandaid and just LEAVE - no more plans, no more dates, no more anything. Just go to your SIL's house, plan to stay there for a week or two, and you will likely see an immediate change in everyone's mood.
And if you keep thinking you just need to try harder, or that you can fix it, remember: You can't fix it. And how has this gone for you so far? The way things have gone are NOT working for you, so you have to change things. And you are the only one who has the power to change: not your kids, and certainly not your husband.
Ugh when I was 16 I overheard my (drunk) dad tell my brother I was a bitch. I was 16 and I packed a bag and started to leave for my friends house and we got in a screaming match in the kitchen because he said he would call the police if I left. He doesn't remember because he was drunk and even if he did, he never apologizes for anything. Ever.
My mom says he's sad we don't have a relationship ::snort::
ETA sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me but i just really hope you leave profart. I adore my mom. My dad is the worst. I don't want this life for you or your kids. ((Hugs))
Big hugs. You are loved by many and will continued to be loved no matter what. Don't be scared that you're doing the wrong thing. You are a capable, strong woman. You're a leader and a wonderful mama. Remember that.
Post by alexithymia on Mar 30, 2017 8:48:32 GMT -5
I'm late to the post, but I just wanted to echo the others. You will be so much happier and your life will be so much better once you leave him. It's hard and overwhelming, but it does get better. Keep your head up and keep moving forward.
You life is going to be so much healthier and easier once you are no longer married to him. Focus on how less stressed you and the kids will be. How much less negativity will be surrounding you. How much relief will be felt.
I was flamed before by pointing out that there are often 2 people in a cycle of abuse. Jenny1980 said you are complicit in abusing Lucy by not leaving.
Oh FFS, this isn't about you.
I thought you were talking to me, and I was like GOD TR I JUST SAIDTHATTTT!
I was flamed before by pointing out that there are often 2 people in a cycle of abuse. Jenny1980 said you are complicit in abusing Lucy by not leaving.
Seriously? You need to make this about you right now?
Ok. I hear what you're all saying. The next time I post about my marriage it'll be an announcement that it's over. It was hard to hear, but you're all right. Thanks
I don't want you to stop talking here. I understand that this all is a process you need to work through. And the last thing I want you to do is continue to suffer in silence because you don't think you can come here.
I want, more than anything, for you to see the immense value there is in YOU. To fight for yourself. To realize that there will be people in your life who are slack-jawwed about the fact that you stop being everyone's proverbial doormat. To realize you are worth fighting for. And to provide some calm for those cuties. I want you to see you deserve all of that. Even if you have to paddle through a river of shit to get there.
Change is scary. Goodbyes are sad. And "I don't know" is a really, REALLY comfortable place to be. But you are capable of, and you deserve, great things.
Ok. I hear what you're all saying. The next time I post about my marriage it'll be an announcement that it's over. It was hard to hear, but you're all right. Thanks
This board will be here to support you no matter what. I think it's obvious from the number of responses you always receive and how many good thoughts of people pulling for you. That is genuine (from my perspective).
Don't not-post if you aren't where you expected to be next time. (I hope that makes sense). I'm sure the care and love of this place will meet you wherever you are. It seems clear everyone wants you, L and D to have a happy and lovely life. I'm rooting for you.
Just here to throw more love at you, and to say that I don't want you to stop using this board for support. I do agree with Jenny that it's maybe not the healthiest dynamic, but ffs, one dysfunctional relationship at a time, you know?
And I also was definitely not the person who said that LOL. (huh)
I deleted that portion. I thought I saw you post that, but reviewing the thread it is obvious you did not. I was wrong. I apologize and I corrected the original post. I'm very sorry for stating something so untrue.
I deleted that portion. I thought I saw you post that, but reviewing the thread it is obvious you did not. I was wrong. I apologize and I corrected the original post. I'm very sorry for stating something so untrue.
Just think at the harm you could have avoided if you didn't make everything about yourself!
As for 2 people in a cycle of abuse, you are correct. There is the abuser and the victim. You want a cookie for pointing that out?
Well, to be fair, someone did actually say she was equally culpable in the abuse of L in this thread. And a lot of people liked it.
Post by ginandjucie24 on Mar 30, 2017 15:29:49 GMT -5
ProfessorArtNerd, I like you. I like you for who you are. I know lot of people here like you and support you, just know you have tons of people who would do anything to help you. Hugs
You are loved by so many here. Do not stop posting about your problems within/out of the marriage because I know sometimes this is your only outlet and I can't imagine losing the only thing I could go to about an issue like the one you're in.
However, if not for YOURSELF, do it for Lucy and Heavy D. She needs to know that her mom is strong enough to do better for herself and that she doesn't ever have to deal with abuse like what her father is doing right now. Sometimes the mental abuse is worse than physical abuse and I'd say you're suffering big time. Living in a 1bdrm shack and being "poor" is a lot better than living with that worthless POS that claims to be your husband who treats you/your children like crap wouldn't you say?
Well, to be fair, someone did actually say she was equally culpable in the abuse of L in this thread. And a lot of people liked it.
I thought I saw that! And with about 10 likes. I was wrong in who posted it-but where do it go? Was it deleted?
omfg let it go. It was spearmintleaf and it seems like it was coming at the situation from an angle of codependency. It wasn't the same as what you said and it doesn't "vindicate" you in any way. Have. A. Seat.
I thought I saw that! And with about 10 likes. I was wrong in who posted it-but where do it go? Was it deleted?
omfg let it go. It was spearmintleaf and it seems like it was coming at the situation from an angle of codependency. It wasn't the same as what you said and it doesn't "vindicate" you in any way. Have. A. Seat.
There was a separate post, not just the one from spearmintleaf, late last night. And TR, respectfully, you don't get to tell me what I said and then not to respond. My initial point was if someone well liked gets to bring up a point on another facet of abuse, beside the classic abuser-victim (which is often an oversimplification-see the therapist's questions to Celeste's therapist on Big Little Lies, for Gods sake) and the point is considered. If I make it, I'm hated for it.
Now every time I post, that one post/apology situation is brought up, so don't blame me for leading with a disclaimer! Lol like a friggin signature line. You are one of the ones defining me by that one post. Now I admittedly made an error when I comment on Super's situation because I didn't know the context of her situation at all, and I just shared what my counselor said when I was in couples counseling with my abusive exH which was that there was abuse going both ways, albeit at different levels. Now I was wrong and out of line to suggest this to super, I apologized 5 times, it wasn't good enough for some, ok for some, consensus not granted.
But I'm not going to cower in a corner forever because of it. I've been on these boards since 2006 and see this group-think about posters. It comes and goes. I'm over talking about this, but if someone asks a question of states something incorrect I just want to clear it up because really people don't know me here.
I may be a loon and confuse you all because I'm a truly supportive caring individual who has been through enough hell to know when some shit isn't about me, but still really sensitive to others pain and suffering and a big need to help. A big negative is I use a lot of "I" statements to take responsibility for only my perspective-was taught that in treatment 18 years ago when I got sober. I think it annoys the fuck out of people so maybe I should try to adjust that. And I write like everything is a freaking paragraph for college, but I have brain fog due to medications and injections I take now for auto immune disease that messes up my spelling and other cognitive functioning.
PDQ. If you want to know anything else just ask, but if you do ask questions I'll probably answer them because to ignore them seems rude. I'm happy to do an AMA as a TBT. Enough about me, just block me already and be happier 😉
One last thing about Prof, because this thread should end with her. I remember about 2 years ago you were teaching and something was said and the whole class responded "you know nothing, Jon Snow!!" And everyone cracked up and I want you to remember YOU as that person and really know how awesome you are.