Open marriage is not for me. However, I don't feel in a position to judge what others choose to do, if it's working for them. I am also skeptical of open marriages that began with one person cheating. I can see how it might work with mutual willingness and pre-established parameters.
Post by penguingrrl on May 11, 2017 11:59:10 GMT -5
I have absolutely no issue with consenting adults agreeing to do what they want within their marriage. It wouldn't work for me at all, but it doesn't have to.
Marriage is about so mix more than sexuality, so I can see a strong marriage where sexual relations are a weak spot, but neither party wants to end the marriage over it.
Conventional wisdom has it that men are more likely than women to crave, even need, variety in their sex lives. But of the 25 couples I encountered, a majority of the relationships were opened at the initiation of the women; only in six cases had it been the men. Even when the decision was mutual, the woman was usually the more sexually active outside the marriage. A suburban married man on OkCupid told me he had yet to date anyone, in contrast to his wife, whom he called “an intimacy vampire.” There was a woman in Portland whose husband had lost interest in sex with anyone, not just her. A 36-year-old woman in Seattle said she opened her marriage after she heard about the concept from another young mom at her book club.
Perhaps the women in the couples I encountered were more willing to tell their stories because they did not fit into predictable unflattering stereotypes about the male sex drive. But it was nonetheless striking to hear so many wives risk so much on behalf of their sexual happiness.
Post by aussiecrush on May 11, 2017 12:06:53 GMT -5
One of the most overlooked reasons is that not everyone is either straight or gay. Some couples are comfortable exploring the wide variety in between, together. Not everyone knows at 6 or 4 or 24 that their sexuality is fluid. You wake up at 32 and realize that you love your spouse but sometimes want to have sex with people of the same sex. Not everyone has to get divorced to do that.
I'm sure it can, for someone. One of my HS friends is in a semi open marriage. Like, they each have a list of folks the other can dally with if the other isn't around. It's been several years and, from the outside at least, it looks like it's working for the.
But, for me, since I don't even like sharing my desert, this is probably not gonna work.
I mean, whatever makes people happy, but I certainly hope if my H ever decides to propose this to me he has the good sense to pack a suitcase.
This does make me realize that with my comment above, there is the risk of ending the marriage just because you asked (without cheating). I'd be really hurt if DH asked me to do this so how would a couple be able to predict that the partner wouldn't resent them for asking?
Post by barcelonagirl on May 11, 2017 12:26:31 GMT -5
I can seperate sex from emotion but even if I could get my head here, I would not want to know in advance before dh went out and fucked someone else. In my bizzaro head scenario, on the random occasion he's apart from me and has sexual chemistry with a willing stranger... but I don't want to know her name or whatever.
I think it would work vice versa. But this thought process is a struggle.
And again I go back to Jean Auel and Festivals to Honor the mother. Fiction works better!
I mean, whatever makes people happy, but I certainly hope if my H ever decides to propose this to me he has the good sense to pack a suitcase.
This does make me realize that with my comment above, there is the risk of ending the marriage just because you asked (without cheating). I'd be really hurt if DH asked me to do this so how would a couple be able to predict that the partner wouldn't resent them for asking?
Yes I would NOT be happy if my husband asked me this for real. I don't know if it would mean a divorce for certain just for asking, but I don't think it would go well.
The thing is I know that he surely WANTS to have sex with other women, its a normal human desire. But vaguely wanting to have sex and asking your wife if you can actually go and have sex with someone else and remain married are very different ....
Post by karinothing on May 11, 2017 12:30:02 GMT -5
I feel like it would be hard to be in an open marriage where anyone had a steady relationship with a person outside the marriage. I mean maybe if the married couple just had one night stands with zero emotion, but I think if you have one partner get into an emotional relationship with the other person it makes things impossible.
One of the most overlooked reasons is that not everyone is either straight or gay. Some couples are comfortable exploring the wide variety in between, together. Not everyone knows at 6 or 4 or 24 that their sexuality is fluid. You wake up at 32 and realize that you love your spouse but sometimes want to have sex with people of the same sex. Not everyone has to get divorced to do that.
Does this happen though? that you would actually wake up at 32 and suddenly want to have sex with people of the same sex when you didn't before? I understand people may have pushed down feelings, or been bisexual but married opposite sex and were fine with it for years but then no longer wanted to continue, but I would think waking up one day in your mid thirties wanting to have sex with someone of the same sex when you never had such desires before would be strange??
Or am I the crazy one ??
If my husband told me he now wants to have sex with men sometimes I would be extremely shocked and upset.
I mean, whatever makes people happy, but I certainly hope if my H ever decides to propose this to me he has the good sense to pack a suitcase.
This does make me realize that with my comment above, there is the risk of ending the marriage just because you asked (without cheating). I'd be really hurt if DH asked me to do this so how would a couple be able to predict that the partner wouldn't resent them for asking?
I guess you couldn't. Clearly some people are happy with the arrangement, and I couldn't care less about them. You do you. My definition of a committed marriage, however, does not include my H fucking anyone else. I would hope my H knows me well enough by now to know I would not be open to this suggestion.
One of the most overlooked reasons is that not everyone is either straight or gay. Some couples are comfortable exploring the wide variety in between, together. Not everyone knows at 6 or 4 or 24 that their sexuality is fluid. You wake up at 32 and realize that you love your spouse but sometimes want to have sex with people of the same sex. Not everyone has to get divorced to do that.
Does this happen though? that you would actually wake up at 32 and suddenly want to have sex with people of the same sex when you didn't before? I understand people may have pushed down feelings, or been bisexual but married opposite sex and were fine with it for years but then no longer wanted to continue, but I would think waking up one day in your mid thirties wanting to have sex with someone of the same sex when you never had such desires before would be strange??
Or am I the crazy one ??
If my husband told me he now wants to have sex with men sometimes I would be extremely shocked and upset.
I get that this is CEP but I don't have studies and graphs, just my own life experience. No where did I say a person didn't have the desire before. I guess it depends on how you define sexuality. Does fantasizing about the same sex make you gay, or bi? Does kissing a girl in college make me a lesbian? I don't think it's strange to realize, later in life, that you might want to experience things you've only thought about before. Everyone's relationship is different, I guess I'm just glad that H and I weren't shocked and upset with each other.
Everything else aside, it just seems like SO MUCH WORK. #lazybones
Right?! There have maybe been times when I could probably handle a side piece for the physical aspect. But these would have to be quickies on my telework days. I don't have time for anything else.
Anything involving dates or flirting or any sort of relationship - Jesus fucking Christ, I am so feeling-ed out this year - would be too much work. I'd be like, "Let's fuck for exactly 6.32 minutes and then you need to leave. Immediately. Also, please take out the garbage on our way."
Does this happen though? that you would actually wake up at 32 and suddenly want to have sex with people of the same sex when you didn't before? I understand people may have pushed down feelings, or been bisexual but married opposite sex and were fine with it for years but then no longer wanted to continue, but I would think waking up one day in your mid thirties wanting to have sex with someone of the same sex when you never had such desires before would be strange??
Or am I the crazy one ??
If my husband told me he now wants to have sex with men sometimes I would be extremely shocked and upset.
I get that this is CEP but I don't have studies and graphs, just my own life experience. No where did I say a person didn't have the desire before. I guess it depends on how you define sexuality. Does fantasizing about the same sex make you gay, or bi? Does kissing a girl in college make me a lesbian? I don't think it's strange to realize, later in life, that you might want to experience things you've only thought about before. Everyone's relationship is different, I guess I'm just glad that H and I weren't shocked and upset with each other.
oh right, no well that makes sense to me. That if you had fantasized about the same sex but never acted on it, then later decided you'd like to that would make sense.
Conventional wisdom has it that men are more likely than women to crave, even need, variety in their sex lives. But of the 25 couples I encountered, a majority of the relationships were opened at the initiation of the women; only in six cases had it been the men. Even when the decision was mutual, the woman was usually the more sexually active outside the marriage. A suburban married man on OkCupid told me he had yet to date anyone, in contrast to his wife, whom he called “an intimacy vampire.” There was a woman in Portland whose husband had lost interest in sex with anyone, not just her. A 36-year-old woman in Seattle said she opened her marriage after she heard about the concept from another young mom at her book club.
Perhaps the women in the couples I encountered were more willing to tell their stories because they did not fit into predictable unflattering stereotypes about the male sex drive. But it was nonetheless striking to hear so many wives risk so much on behalf of their sexual happiness.
Just speculating, but this could be because the pool of people willing to sleep with married people just has more men in it, and thus, more available partners for the ladies to pick from. Obviously there's no shortage of women willing to sleep with married men, but it wouldn't surprise me if the pool of men was bigger.
Just speculating, but this could be because the pool of people willing to sleep with married people just has more men in it, and thus, more available partners for the ladies to pick from. Obviously there's no shortage of women willing to sleep with married men, but it wouldn't surprise me if the pool of men was bigger.
well also ... isn't this just the general way of things? That the pool of men willing to sleep with a woman, any woman is bigger than the pool of women willing to sleep with a man, any man?
Just speculating, but this could be because the pool of people willing to sleep with married people just has more men in it, and thus, more available partners for the ladies to pick from. Obviously there's no shortage of women willing to sleep with married men, but it wouldn't surprise me if the pool of men was bigger.
well also ... isn't this just the general way of things? That the pool of men willing to sleep with a woman, any woman is bigger than the pool of women willing to sleep with a man, any man?
Women are generally more discerning in choosing their partners? Or are men lazier?
I think it has more to do with peak sex drive. Women tend to peak later in life than men do, so they're more likely to be married at the time. I also have no statistics to back this up.
Everything else aside, it just seems like SO MUCH WORK. #lazybones
Right?! There have maybe been times when I could probably handle a side piece for the physical aspect. But these would have to be quickies on my telework days. I don't have time for anything else.
Anything involving dates or flirting or any sort of relationship - Jesus fucking Christ, I am so feeling-ed out this year - would be too much work. I'd be like, "Let's fuck for exactly 6.32 minutes and then you need to leave. Immediately. Also, please take out the garbage on our way."
This is where I am. I am not in a relationship and find it exhausting to look for the next person. I mean, it is partially the reason that I am pathetically hanging around a dude who isn't ready for a relationship - I have put in time, and I want to see the spoils!
well also ... isn't this just the general way of things? That the pool of men willing to sleep with a woman, any woman is bigger than the pool of women willing to sleep with a man, any man?
Women are generally more discerning in choosing their partners? Or are men lazier?
I think it has more to do with peak sex drive. Women tend to peak later in life than men do, so they're more likely to be married at the time. I also have no statistics to back this up.
yes I think women are more discerning which probably ties into their generally lower sex drive. while there are obviously exceptions, I believe in general we are not as sex-driven as men and therefore able to be more discerning. Also I think in general women probably have a harder time separating sex from emotion, making one night stands/casual flings harder for women in general to come out of unscathed emotionally.
Obviously I'm talking in generalities and there will be exceptions on both sides.
Everything else aside, it just seems like SO MUCH WORK. #lazybones
This is the main reason my husband is more likely to have sex with someone outside our marriage than I am. He finds that whole pursuit/new experience thing a lot of fun.
Me, I'm more often like yeah, instead of shaving, make up, waxing my eye brows and trying to be all coy, I can just eat ice cream in my PJ pants then give MH a look and be like "want to bone?" Way less effort for the orgasms.
I mean, whatever makes people happy, but I certainly hope if my H ever decides to propose this to me he has the good sense to pack a suitcase.
This does make me realize that with my comment above, there is the risk of ending the marriage just because you asked (without cheating). I'd be really hurt if DH asked me to do this so how would a couple be able to predict that the partner wouldn't resent them for asking?
This is my question. I am a sensitive person by nature, and these 2 entities are closely linked for me. I don't know that I'd ever fully recover if H even just asked me to consider it. I don't think these things come out of nowhere, and I'd be way too paranoid to not think he'd already found a side-piece.
This does make me realize that with my comment above, there is the risk of ending the marriage just because you asked (without cheating). I'd be really hurt if DH asked me to do this so how would a couple be able to predict that the partner wouldn't resent them for asking?
This is my question. I am a sensitive person by nature, and these 2 entities are closely linked for me. I don't know that I'd ever fully recover if H even just asked me to consider it. I don't think these things come out of nowhere, and I'd be way too paranoid to not think he'd already found a side-piece.
Agreed. I also don't think that "out of nowhere" would be an appropriate way to bring it up, and it would be kind of suspect if it was something that one partner proposed seemingly out of nowhere.
DH and I do not currently have an open marriage, though we have had conversations about the possibility of threesomes and outside hook ups, albeit usually in more of a fantasy kind of way. Having had those conversations, I feel like the door has sort of been opened so that a conversation about an open marriage wouldn't be out of nowhere for us. If we had never talked about anything like that, and he came home one day asking my opinion about opening our marriage, I'd be suspicious.
Post by aussiecrush on May 11, 2017 14:59:51 GMT -5
Not everyone in an open relationship is having casual sex without any feelings or love. I couldn't function like that and I don't. The idea that open marriage is synonymous with having dozens of unprotected partners and using them for a quick orgasm when the spouse isn't interested is cracking me up. I'd offer to do an AMA but I'm not sure there's a genuine interest.
Not everyone in an open relationship is having casual sex without any feelings or love. I couldn't function like that and I don't. The idea that open marriage is synonymous with having dozens of unprotected partners and using them for a quick orgasm when the spouse isn't interested is cracking me up. I'd offer to do an AMA but I'm not sure there's a genuine interest.
Oh, we did one of those a few years ago with a poster in an open marriage. There was interest.