This would be an issue for me too. Plus the thing I was thinking about with regard to this issue is, even if you go into it with "rules" that you're not going to fall in love - in the actual situation, I think that would be SO hard to resist. Falling in love with someone brand new is the best feeling in the world. It's addictive. Are you really going to be able to resist the temptation to spend all or most of your free time with this new person you find endlessly fascinating and attractive and compelling and go back to your spouse who you already know everything about and you've been sleeping with for 20 years? Yeah, eventually those giddy butterfly feelings fade but that can take years. It doesn't seem realistic to me to assume that most people can police those limits as strictly as they'd need to in order to maintain the core marriage.
This would also be an issue for me. But to me it sounds like there is not an expectation in an open marriage that you WOULDN'T fall in love with another partner. I mean, that's not something you can promise or control. And it sounds like there is a spectrum of what is "permitted," I am sure it varies per relationship.
It is fascinating to me because clearly I don't have the capacity to be emotionally okay with this. But it seems as though it works for other people, and as long as everyone is happy, KOKO.
This would be impossible for me, knowing that my husband was in love with someone else and coming home to me because we have kids and a house and a history together. Even if he still loved me too. I don't think I'd be able to wrap my head around that. I feel like it would be really hard to compete with the giddy, excited, butterfly feeling of a new relationship where you can't keep your hands off each other. DH and I have been together for 17 years. There's a deep level of comfort and security and intimacy there but not a whole lot of mystery left, lol.
I totally agree that everyone should do what feels right for them though. It's not for me but I would never judge anyone else who wants to do this.
Post by aussiecrush on May 12, 2017 15:54:52 GMT -5
@angryharpy This will be all out of order but I'll give it a shot. We absolutely end relationships that interfere or take away from our primary relationship. If we were having issues in our marriage or just health concerns/family stuff everything extra would end as well. We are very honest about that up front and it's been a long time since that has happened.
Typically we share partners, which can get pretty intense. You're balancing needs of three people. About 3 years ago we found a third that just clicks. Similar likes and dislikes not interested in having a primary relationship with either of us, or anyone else for now. We can spend time together and it's no different than any couple hanging out with a best friend except our night ends with three people having sex instead of two. Or two people, with one watching, sleeping, whatever.
There are times we get frazzled and overwhelmed. Just like there are days when just being married feels like a lot of work. There's a lot of support for all of us in this relationship, which is different and new for H and me. It took a long time to get here and we moved slowly. Having a third is a bonus for us, not something we can't live without. But we are both open to it and found something that works. If it stopped working for us we would change it or end it.
Thanks for answering, aussiecrush. I'm not going to lie and be like, "Oh yeah, totally get it!" Like, really, I don't because it's just so, SO not for me. But I like to learn about other people's experiences.
aussiecrush thank you for sharing. If it works for you and youre in a happy, healthy relationship then thats wonderful. I really wasnt judging before, and if i worded it in a judgmental way i extend my apologies.
It's interesting to me how many of you know people IRL who talk about their open relationships. I can't think of a single friend who has told me about one of those. Now I'm self-conscious that I'm putting off some sort of prudish vibe. (No, really I know this is not about me.)
In any case, I agree with the "you do you" sentiment here. As long as it's between consenting adults, I don't care what kind of sex everyone else is having.
It's interesting to me how many of you know people IRL who talk about their open relationships. I can't think of a single friend who has told me about one of those. Now I'm self-conscious that I'm putting off some sort of prudish vibe. (No, really I know this is not about me.)
In any case, I agree with the "you do you" sentiment here. As long as it's between consenting adults, I don't care what kind of sex everyone else is having.
In my case it was a girls wine night where the subject of kinky sex came up (50 shades movie had come out the week before) and she spilled while tipsy/drunk.
I would be open to an open marriage in many ways. Sometimes I think both H and I are bored, and try as we do to spice things up with each other, there's certainly an appeal to being 'allowed' to have other options. But I think that long-term it would be very hard emotionally.....what if one of us fell for a partner, or it involved someone we knows.... And I'm also worried about STD's.
You prolly should have read through the whole thread before posting. They gon' get you.
Well, they can come for me I got an STD from a partner in a monogamous relationship. I know allllllll too well that it doesn't just happen in an open one
Post by Queen Mamadala on May 12, 2017 17:12:18 GMT -5
It can be/is for those who are wired for it. I have several friends in open or polyamorous marriages. A few good friends. It works really well for them. I used to be more involved in the "alt" community back when the end of my first marriage was open. I broached the topic of opening the marriage. It "worked" in some sense, but we ended up wanting different things and had already grown apart. It was an amicable split.
I had a blast and dated plenty when it was open, though I wouldn't say I'm wired for it. I'm not poly.
Post by AllieHound on May 12, 2017 18:37:53 GMT -5
I like to think I'd be open to the idea. Intellectually, I am. However, considering the fact that I've lost sleep over fictional characters that I fall in love with, I doubt I could ever have a secondary relationship. One night stand? Sure. A frequent encounter that doesn't end with my broken heart and hurting my husband? Doubt it.
Post by DesertMoon on May 12, 2017 19:57:26 GMT -5
Its kind of an odd deal too for a man. It's way harder for a man to find a woman up for casual no strings sex than it is for a woman to find a man for it. Realistically a woman could find dozens of partners and a man may be lucky to find one.
BF and I are in an open relationship of sorts - as in we bring in a 3rd occasionally, but not "dating" someone else. We talked about it early on and considered it and left it open to be discussed further. But neither of us had interest then.
We've had one hiccup with regards to jealousy surrounding it when I expressed the possibility of interest in dinner/more with someone I'd had a crush on for a decade who was now available. BF was really nervous at first because this other guy is good looking, great career, could give me a monetarily easy life if I ran off with him. But through communication we worked through that at this point for me it was just the chance to finally act on an old crush. And in the end i decided I really wasn't that attracted to crush anymore anyway so I didn't go through with it. But the conversations it provoked and insecurities we talked through was great.
So for now we have a couple of people we have play dates with, but we don't consider them relationships. And that works for both us and our friends because that's what each of us was looking for.
My night time rambling...When I was younger I used to think I was "broken" because to me I could very easily separate love and sex. Now as a 44 year old, I know it's just who I am. I am in no way broken - I just have a personality/am wired that way/who hell knows/cares why - so I don't see any issue with an open marriage. I know sex does not always equal falling in love (though I have absolutely been in love with men I've had sex with).
Whatever works for consenting adults is none of my business.
But I seriously hate how all these articles always start with, "well, my wife was frigid."
Agreed. But I do appreciate that later in the article the author challenges the notion that women's libidos are intrinsically lower than men's. That it may be that women need the new relation energy (or whatever it was called) to be aroused more than men. And that developing medications for women's flagging libidos in a LTR is the wrong track.
My H and I have talked about it (at my prompting), and for now we're not up to it. I'm too concerned that I'd fall in love with another partner even if I tried to be casual...and that I'd feel like I had to make a choice.
That said, having been able to talk about things hypothetically has been itself a really nice and intimate bonding experience. I used to feel like even talking about it was a threat to our marriage, and being able to admit that we have attraction to others and accept that about each other...it minimized feeling threatened in general.
I love Esther Perl's insight that the "other" in other relationships isn't really about the other person, but the other part of your own self that you experience with a new person. So for now I've decided to try to harness that feeling by exploring how my H and I can shake things up, not sexually, but in the experiences we pursue (e.g., he doesn't care about Indonesia, but I really want to go there, so we'll make it a priority to save for it). At least that's what we've landed on for now.
It can help mismatched libidos and requires communication but it can work. It is also possible to love two people at the same time. Most of the discussion here is what if I fall in love, but many poly relationships involve people who do not believe love is one and done. I analyzed my feelings about that for a while and realized if I can love two dogs, two parents or four siblings, then I do not see why it is impossible to love more than one man.
Whatever works for consenting adults is none of my business.
But I seriously hate how all these articles always start with, "well, my wife was frigid."
Agreed. But I do appreciate that later in the article the author challenges the notion that women's libidos are intrinsically lower than men's. That it may be that women need the new relation energy (or whatever it was called) to be aroused more than men. And that developing medications for women's flagging libidos in a LTR is the wrong track.
It's not the wrong track. There may be more than one track, but it sure would be nice for those of us that have no desire for an open marriage, but would love assistance with libido.