Is an Open Marriage a Happier Marriage?

[andwhat]

Before reading. It probably is, but all I can think is cooties.

Now off to read.

[pixy0stix]

Like all things, I think it works for some people. It's not a solution for everyone.

I also second andwhat's cootie statement. Everyone for damn sure better be tested regularly.

[andwhat]

The NYT always picks the worst case studies. So when the H wanted an open relationship and actually went to the W about it she said no and he dropped it. Then she meets someone, cheats, and he is supposed to be ok. That is not an open relationship.

[hopecounts]

This is solidly in you do you territory for me.
If everyone is being honest about non-monogamy and careful (using protection and getting tested) and it works for those involved then KOKO and be happy.

I agree in the story the wife cheating is NOT an open marriage and not OK.
An open marriage is something both parties discuss and make rules for and then pursue once both parties are clear on what is happening.

[mbcdefg]

So why get married, then? Why not just keep dating and hooking up with different people?

If Elizabeth and Daniel are on the same page, then fine, you do you, guys ... but this just sounds like they shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

[elleblue]

May 11, 2017 9:41:06 GMT -5 andwhat said:

The NYT always picks the worst case studies. So when the H wanted an open relationship and actually went to the W about it she said no and he dropped it. Then she meets someone, cheats, and he is supposed to be ok. That is not an open relationship.

They really do. It's almost amazing, their skill for finding the worst people/examples to profile. 

And as others have said, I imagine an open relationship would be happier for some couples, but it would also require a ton of communication and work. 

[lightbulbsun]

There is no one way to have a relationship. People need to do what works for them.

However, if a couple is considering an open marriage, I think it only works if there is consistent and honest communication between partners, and rules that everyone is comfortable with.

[hopecounts]

May 11, 2017 9:42:06 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

So why get married, then? Why not just keep dating and hooking up with different people?

If Elizabeth and Daniel are on the same page, then fine, you do you, guys ... but this just sounds like they shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

Could be many reasons maybe A and B love each other and want that to be their primary relationship but either or both agree that monogamy isn't for them.

Maybe A needs health insurance and they are committed to each other so they get married.

Maybe B wants A to be their legal Next of Kin for some reason

Maybe they want kids but want to be married first for societal reasons.

Basically agreeing to an open marriage may work for certain couples (it's certainly not a new phenomenon it's been going on since the Middle Ages if not earlier counting plural marriages).
Many Kings and nobles had acknowledged lovers and it was expected and accepted.

Hell even noble women could sleep around once they had provided an heir and a spare to their husband and it was no big deal as long as it didn't cross certain lines.

Strict monogamy became a thing in the Late Georgian early Victorian era.

It's a newish phenomena despite the religious encouragement of it.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2017 9:42:06 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

So why get married, then? Why not just keep dating and hooking up with different people?

If Elizabeth and Daniel are on the same page, then fine, you do you, guys ... but this just sounds like they shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

I am absolutely 100 percent opposed to an open marriage for me, but it's not hard for me to understand why someone might want to have an open marriage. There is also a range of openness - for some people, side relationships are involved and for others, it's just other sexual partners. The latter makes more sense to me - maybe two people have a great emotional connection and make great partners but have different sexual proclivities.

There are all kinds of legal protections that come with marriage, so I see "why get married?" as almost as silly of a statement as the people who say, "marriage is just a piece of paper." Legally, it's much more than that.

[Deleted]

Anyone remember this Arrested Development scene?

Tobias: You know Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extra-marital encounters.

Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?

Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but...but it might work for us.


I know of two couples that did this and they are both divorced now. Could it work and both people be happier for it? Sure. But, I do not think most humans are wired to be okay with the person they love shtooping someone else. I certainly do not think that an open marriage could ever solve marital issues. But, if both jsut have the desire to be in an open marriage, without it being a bandaid, and the rules are clear and the communication is open, I dunno, maybe...not something I understand, but certainly not anything to judge.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2017 9:58:55 GMT -5 @lucilleaustero said:

Anyone remember this Arrested Development scene?

Tobias: You know Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extra-marital encounters.

Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?

Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but...but it might work for us.


I know of two couples that did this and they are both divorced now. Could it work and both people be happier for it? Sure. But, I do not think most humans are wired to be okay with the person they love shtooping someone else. I certainly do not think that an open marriage could ever solve marital issues. But, if both jsut have the desire to be in an open marriage, without it being a bandaid, and the rules are clear and the communication is open, I dunno, maybe...not something I understand, but certainly not anything to judge.

[periwinkle]

A friend of mine (N) is in an open marriage. However, when I heard his story about how it originated I feel like it follows along the lines of this story.

N and his wife were monogamous, then he found out that she had been cheating on him for a while with an old bf. He confronted her and she admitted it, said she would stop contact with old bf. N was planning to divorce her but then it ended up she was pregnant (assumption is it was N's). They stayed together but N still was thinking of divorce but didn't want to abandon wife with new baby. Wife was starting to get the wandering eye again. N proposed an open marriage, I guess to keep wife satisfied but then he could have his fun too. Wife regularly meets up with partners, N tests the waters himself and meets different partners from time to time. They end up having baby #2 (spitting image of N) and are still together. N said he wished he went through the divorce initially since he is not happy and hasn't been for years. He would rather be monogamous.

I think an open marriage can definitely work for some but when one partner is kind of "forced" into it, seems like the point is lost. It's all about constant communication and trust. I'm sure some people have a wonderful relationship and still are able to have outside partners, but like others said above you need to have rules and both be in agreement. Hey, if both people are happy and it works for them that's all the matters.

[clairedunphy]

To each their own. I don't judge others but I can't imagine it for myself.
For me, part of being married is being able to have a partner I can count on all the time. To be there for me and our family. I don't want him to be expending too much time and effort bedding other women, or even giving other women a ton of his emotional time.
I mean, I get annoyed if he is not helping around the house because he's watching sports, I can't imagine the level of rage I'd feel if, say, the yard desperately needed mowing and the kids were going crazy, etc., and I knew he was off having sex with his girlfriend. We ain't got time for that.

[susiebw]

*Haven't read the article yet*
I watched the Bill Nye episode about sexuality last night and this reminds me of that. I think there's a sliding scale with regard to relationships just like there is with sexuality. And obviously everyone is different and it's a matter of communication among the individuals involved. I wouldn't be completely opposed to it, as long as we all had an understanding of what was okay and what wasn't and as long as it was truly "open" in that way. Sneaky is not okay and secrets are not okay for me, and I think that in my head, if someone is being sneaky or secret, then it's not actually an open relationship.

[DesertMoon]

I can't imagine how a marriage could survive it long term

[ESF]

Whatever works for consenting adults is none of my business.

But I seriously hate how all these articles always start with, "well, my wife was frigid."

[PinkSquirrel]

Most of my friends in open relationships aren't into marriage as an institution, but they absolutely have primary relationships, buy houses, have kids with one person and date other people for years on the side.    If I'm being perfectly honest, they're some of the best relationships I've seen.    The level of communication necessary for relationships like that to work is impressive and that level of communication tends to extend beyond the bedroom.

[meshaliuknits]

I'm sure it can, for someone. One of my HS friends is in a semi open marriage. Like, they each have a list of folks the other can dally with if the other isn't around. It's been several years and, from the outside at least, it looks like it's working for the.

But, for me, since I don't even like sharing my desert, this is probably not gonna work.

[meshaliuknits]

May 11, 2017 10:40:51 GMT -5 ESF said:

Whatever works for consenting adults is none of my business.

But I seriously hate how all these articles always start with, "well, my wife was frigid."

Quickly followed by "so I cheated on her."

[TR]

I'm sure they can work for some people, but I don't share.

[hopecounts]

clairedunphy I have one friend who is in an open marriage and part of their agreement is how much time he can put into his extracurriculars and that their family has to come first.
As mentioned I think for the couples it works for there is a great deal of communication about what each partner needs and how to make it work.
She also gets equal time to do what she wants while he is at home with the kids.

[laurack]

I can only assume this very rarely actually works out, going by how humans are.

[gibbinator]

One of my friends was in an open marriage. She suggested it because she wanted to hook up with a hot guy she worked with. Within 6 months her husband left her for his new gf.

So...definitely not an arrangement to get into lightly. I think it will really only work in specific, pre-arranged circumstances. Not that a lot of monogamous marriages work out perfectly either though.

[cville]

My friends were in an open marriage, and it was fine for years. Until the husband wanted to approach the wife's single friend. They had rules against that (either one pursuing the friend of the other or a mutual friend) but he wouldn't let up so she said okay. She was so unhappy and regretful about it, it broke them up.

That's what I think about when I read these articles. Everyone has their lines and the issue isn't where someone else's line is, but when their partner crosses it. And the line of monogamy is just easier to see and understand and "enforce" than others. As a lawyer, I enjoy clearly enforceable rules so that's my line.

[andwhat]

May 11, 2017 10:45:35 GMT -5 meshaliuknits said:

May 11, 2017 10:40:51 GMT -5 ESF said:

Whatever works for consenting adults is none of my business.

But I seriously hate how all these articles always start with, "well, my wife was frigid."

Quickly followed by "so I cheated on her."

But in this one he didn't. Years later she cheated on him and then it was open.

[ESF]

May 11, 2017 11:13:42 GMT -5 andwhat said:

May 11, 2017 10:45:35 GMT -5 meshaliuknits said:

Quickly followed by "so I cheated on her."

But in this one he didn't. Years later she cheated on him and then it was open.

Call me cynical, but I have a hard time imagining that he'd be like, "how about you and I sleep around?" if he didn't already have something lined up.

[empire]

I'm in an open marriage. It has made OUR marriage happier but I don't think it would make every marriage happier. We also didn't go into it because of mismatched sex drives, or one of us wanting to bang a crush, or something like that.

Sex is fun. It feels good. We are brutally honest with each other even if it makes us feel dumb. We also have a strict no emotional attachment rule. It's worked fine for us for a few years now. If it wasn't working, we'd put a hold on things.

No matter who we have sex with, we are each other's person. That's why we are married and not just dating. Extracurricular orgasms don't change that for us.

And it isn't like my husband is out ignoring the kids and yard work to get some. It gets fit in to our routine just like some other hobby would. Sure, conversations like, "Hey, do we have plans tonight? Are you horny? If not mind if I meet up with xyz after the kids are in bed?" are not about romance, but there's not supposed to be any romance with xyz so that works just fine. No honey, you go get some and I'm going to lounge in the hot tub with a book and enjoy some silence, kthx.

[pantsparty]

May 11, 2017 10:54:33 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

clairedunphy I have one friend who is in an open marriage and part of their agreement is how much time he can put into his extracurriculars and that their family has to come first.
As mentioned I think for the couples it works for there is a great deal of communication about what each partner needs and how to make it work.
She also gets equal time to do what she wants while he is at home with the kids.

[Velar Fricative]

You do you, but I'll remain skeptical of the open marriages that start off because one partner cheated and now wants to have their cake and eat it too.

Mutually agreeing to the open marriage and establishing parameters *before* anyone has actually stepped out? Cool. Not for me, but if it's not my marriage, it's not my problem.

[eddy]

I am way to petty for that shit.