I am lurker but don't want this connected to my account since I am so hurt and embarrassed so I created and AE.
DH and I have been married 2.5 years and together for 8.5. We have (had) what I thought was a great relationship. My H is very agreeable and very easy to get along with. We rarely argue and if I am angry he never yells back or says hurtful things. He is extremely introverted. We have been talking about TTC for about 6 months. I went to the doctor and started taking prenatals in preparation to TTC. We started 2 months ago.
Yesterday at 10:30 he drops the bomb that I am rushing everything and we don't have enough money and he worries about everything and just doesn't want to have a baby right now. He also said that I only want a baby because I see everyone else with one. WTF? I was floored and am quite upset. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday and don't think I can even look at me. He waited until we were already trying for 2 months to tell me this. He said that I don't compromise which was never discussed before this. I don't know where to begin but I can't talk to anyone about this since no one knows we were TTC plus I feel like a fool for not realizing this.
He apologized for about 2 hours while I told him I didn't want to discuss it any further because I felt mislead and there was nothing to discuss since we are at a standstill on the issue. I married my husband thinking he was the opposite of my pretty shitty dad who wasn't involved all that much in my life and now I am rethinking that. I see so many friends husbands so excited to be a dad and I feel like mine now wants nothing to do with being a father. I suggested I go to counseling and he was pretty shocked at the idea that something was wrong in our marriage and said we'll be fine and he can come around. WTF?!? I don't want him "to come around" to something he doesn't want.
Please help with advice. Where should I go from here?
I'm no marriage expert, and I'm sure that some people will have better advice.
But please don't stop talking to him over this. If anything, it shows how important it is to keep talking about it. When did he start feeling this way? Has anything in particular prompted it? You're understandably upset, but these are things you need to be able to talk openly about with each other. Shutting down conversation will get you nowhere.
I think you overreacted, which might explain why your DH didn't bring this up sooner. He sounds like he's scared. Unless he said he never wants kids, there's plenty of room to talk about this. And unless you're already pregant, that you've been trying for 2 mos is beside the point. You can stop trying while you talk about it.
How old are you? Your post makes you sound really young.
Aw, I'm sorry you are going through this. To me it sounds like he is just having a freak out moment to making a very big and permanent change in your lives. I'd bring up the counseling thing again, not because there is something wrong but just to give you a platform to talk through this.
Not to defend your DH for his inappropriate reaction, since it isn't OK to hurt you like that, but I can relate since I can have a tendency to act similarly If he's like me, "come around" means "adjust to the idea of change."
It's very normal for one person to have second thoughts or get extremely nervous or worried about actually getting pregnant once you agree to start TTC. Talking about a child in the abstract is a lot different then facing the reality of one.
Believe it or not, it's will probably end up being a good thing that he's opening up to you about how he's feeling right now even though you feel like he's waited to long to tell you. Hopefully you can get past those feelings of hurt and look at this as a learning opportunity...as a time to sit down with him and let him address the issues that are freaking him out. If you have had a great relationship like you've said you have so far, then you owe it to each other to get to the bottom of his fears and try to resolve them together.
Don't be stubborn and refuse to talk to him. That'll just keep him from opening up to you again and he'll feel like his opinions don't matter. Having a baby is a huge deal and just because you thought y'all had agreed about everything doesn't mean that new/worse fears and anxieties can't crop up. Don't make him feel horrible just because he's scared. Think about if the roles were reversed and you were the one that started second-guessing your decision. How would you want him to treat you in that situation?
You need to have a two-way conversation. Is he right about the money situation? What is he scared of? What does he want to accomplish before becoming a parent? Talking about all those things will help you develop a mutually agreeable timeline and allow you to both be happy, excited parents.
Yes, you need to talk to him. You can't put up a wall and say/think "fine then, it's not worth talking you into, so we're done talking".
It's not about talking him into it. It's about your marriage, and finding out what went wrong here, per se.
Also - I feel like there are posts on here time and again that often stem back to money. Often once couples begin TTC one partner experiences a financial reality shock. Do you have a cushion? Can you afford childcare or for one of you to stay at home? Medical benefits for the child? Supplies, etc.?
You need to speak with him. It needs to be an ongoing conversation.
I see so many friends husbands so excited to be a dad and I feel like mine now wants nothing to do with being a father
I think you are jumping to conclusions here. He doesn't necessarily not want to be a dad, he just doesn't want to right now. Yes, it sucks that you have been TTC for 2 mo and he didn't say anything, but isn't it better BEFORE you get pregnant? You need to talk. Maybe revisit the issue in 6 months or a year. BOTH of you have to want a baby. And I also wonder if the accusations are true. You say "he never yells back" which leads me to believe you do a lot of yelling when you are angry. Also, the statement I copied above is pretty telling....you have a lot of friends having babies? Just because its the right time for them does not mean its the right time for you/your H.
Chill. This is a very normal reaction once the reality of having children hits someone right in the face. The fact that he told you how he felt was good, instead of him stewing about it and potentially having problems down the road.
I agree, talk to him. Tell him you overreacted. Find out what he means by not wanting to have a baby "right now". Does that mean he'll feel more comfortable in 6 months? Is there a near-term financial goal he wants to achieve? Did he recently talk to a friend who's a dad who spooked him?
GL. This is not the end of the world. He can freak out about parenthood and still be a good dad.
It's totally normal to have a freakout when you start ttc. Keep talking to him, get to the root of the problem. Refusing to talk to him won't help either of you. Just a guess, but he's probably just panicking, totally normal, and reacted poorly. Counseling wouldn't be a bad idea if you can't talk it out yourselves, but it's probably not something you need to automatically jump to just yet.
I agree with the sentiment that there IS something to discuss. I think you both have valid feelings and need to be able to talk through them like adults. From what I understand communication doesn't tend to improve after a baby, so consider this good practice.
Post by LoveTrains on Sept 14, 2012 9:01:19 GMT -5
Holy overreaction, batman. That is to you, OP, not your H. What exactly did your H say? Why are you jumping ot the conclusion that he will be a shitty father? If he isn't ready, he isn't ready. Did he say he NEVER wanted children, or just right now? We need more information.
You guys need to talk this out - you are being ridiculous when you say you are so mad you can't even like at him. Why should he have to apologize for two hours for telling you his feelings? maybe he didnt' say anything before because of your crazy reaction.
I also want to say that emotions can set in and reality can strike at any point while TTC. I know I've had a few moments where I'm all "omg, what did we do!!"
I think it's healthy he was open with you - even if it's not what you wanted to hear. I honestly think he just needs to talk it through more, and that this isn't the end all be all. TTC is big stuff! It's a big deal, and the reality of it all doesn't usually hit until you're in the moment.
How often do you stand in line to order a burger and change your mind on exactly what you're ordering? Life is about experience. You can't always know what you want until you're standing in the moment.
Post by HoneySpider on Sept 14, 2012 9:03:37 GMT -5
Did you make the decision to start TTC together? You say you saw the doctor, started taking pre-natals and then started trying 2 months ago. Maybe he wasn't completely onboard yet, which is something really important. Or maybe once you started trying to realized what was happening and had a little freakout. That's normal.
I think overall though you need to make sure this is a decision to come to together and that you BOTH are and feel ready in every aspect, whether that be emotionally, financially, whatever.
Ok please please calm down. This is so normal. We talked, researched, debated, etc TTC for six months before pulling the goalie but once we actually started it was scary and we nearly changed our minds once a week about the whole thing. DH was not interested in a baby at my cousin's house once and I cried in the car on the way home. I just think making a big decision like TTCing comes with a lot of anxiety and emotions which you may not expect. But don't blow his reaction out of proportion. The man apologized for two hours. Try to listen to him.
I think it's healthy he was open with you - even if it's not what you wanted to hear.
YES YES YES.
Sometimes being honest with each other is painful. The honesty needs to come with understanding and compassion, not accusations and hurtful intentions, but that doesn't mean that it won't hurt.
Look, it's really normal for people to sort of freak out at the thought of having a baby. I've had pregnant friends (who were thrilled to be pregnant and thrilled once the baby arrived) confide in me that they often had moments of, "Holy hell, WTF did we get ourselves into?"
It didn't mean that they hated their fetus or their spouse or that they'd be shitty parents ... it meant that the realization of "We are going to be wholly responsible for another human's life" was starting to sink in. It's a scary thought, and frankly I'd give MORE of a side-eye to anyone who DIDN'T occasionally have a moment like this. Because it shows that they are concerned for the responsibility they're about to undertake.
Take time to cool off if you need to, but you owe it to your husband to sit down and talk to him, rather than give him the silent treatment. You're married, you're SUPPOSED to be able to confide in each other about stuff.
If he's truly not ready to TTC yet, it's really a good thing that he told you now rather than when you get a positive pee stick, no?
I think it's healthy he was open with you - even if it's not what you wanted to hear.
YES YES YES.
:Y: Try to control your emotions or on how you react. Your reaction in this situation will just lead him to just keep stuff to himself in the future. Not good.
I married my husband thinking he was the opposite of my pretty shitty dad who wasn't involved all that much in my life and now I am rethinking that. I see so many friends husbands so excited to be a dad and I feel like mine now wants nothing to do with being a father. I suggested I go to counseling and he was pretty shocked at the idea that something was wrong in our marriage and said we'll be fine and he can come around. WTF?!? I don't want him "to come around" to something he doesn't want.
For the fact that you're not talking to him and this, above, is your reaction.... um, yeah, I can see why he may not have spoken up before. Holy overreaction here.
I also want to say that emotions can set in and reality can strike at any point while TTC. I know I've had a few moments where I'm all "omg, what did we do!!"
I think it's healthy he was open with you - even if it's not what you wanted to hear. I honestly think he just needs to talk it through more, and that this isn't the end all be all. TTC is big stuff! It's a big deal, and the reality of it all doesn't usually hit until you're in the moment.
How often do you stand in line to order a burger and change your mind on exactly what you're ordering? Life is about experience. You can't always know what you want until you're standing in the moment.
I agree with all of this, especially the bolded. Hell, I freaked out a week after bringing DD home and said "WTF did we just get ourselves into?"
It's great that he brought it up with you. What a horrible way to react to his honesty on your part. Talk to him.
Everyone else's advice/input is sound and I agree with most of the pps.
Big life decisions can cause moments of complete freak-out. That comes with the territory. It doesn't mean your relationship sucks or that you have to go to counseling.
To answer a few questions. I am 27 and DH will be 30 this year. When we got engaged in 2008 we said we would wait 2 years after getting married to TTC. After we got married DH lost his job and we had a rough patch for 6 months with no money coming in. Our e-fund really helped us out and we have over 1 year still available. We are not struggling with money at all but plan on buying a new home next year.
I guess I missed the signs in the last month since I have been asking him if everything is ok and he said he was having a rough time at work but I think that was an excuse. He said he started thinking about this 3 weeks ago and he said he wanted to wait until after his 30th birthday to even think about it. He has brought that up before but I figured since our original plan was 2 years by the time I wind up pregnant it would be after his 30th birthday or have a baby shortly after.
I just don't see the point in waiting 6 months vs. now so I feel it's probably better for me not to say anything because I don't want to trap him into thinking it's necessary now. I just don't see how 6 months will change anything.
Everyone else's advice/input is sound and I agree with most of the pps.
Big life decisions can cause moments of complete freak-out. That comes with the territory. It doesn't mean your relationship sucks or that you have to go to counseling.
GL with everything.
Thank you for this. I didn't mean not talk to him at all. I just said I understand he doesn't want to and didn't want to discuss TTC anymore. I don't want to pressure him into doing something he doesn't want to do and then he resents it later one and says I fucked up his life and made him do things he didn't want to.
I also want to say that emotions can set in and reality can strike at any point while TTC. I know I've had a few moments where I'm all "omg, what did we do!!"
I think it's healthy he was open with you - even if it's not what you wanted to hear. I honestly think he just needs to talk it through more, and that this isn't the end all be all. TTC is big stuff! It's a big deal, and the reality of it all doesn't usually hit until you're in the moment.
How often do you stand in line to order a burger and change your mind on exactly what you're ordering? Life is about experience. You can't always know what you want until you're standing in the moment.
My child is HERE, and I still have these moments. It is a BFD to bring a human being into the world and keep him happy, healthy, and thriving.
To the O.P.: Your DH is having a completely normal reaction. TALK to him and work through this. I can see why he's normally a passive guy... ^o)
Also, you're making it sound like he never wants children and doesn't want to be a father. Unless you're leaving out some key details here, he only said he thinks you guys are taking it too fast. Not that he doesn't want kids at all. The case here might be that he is indeed ready to TTC, but maybe he's just tired of being wishy-washy and feels ashamed that he never speaks his mind.
I'm also wondering if you're so defensive and pissed about this because, deep down, you think he might be right. Are you sure that you're financially and emotionally prepared to TTC, and you're not only/mainly doing it because your friends are giving you Baby Fever? With your super over-reaction here, I'm inclined to think that this might very well be the case. You said that you guys don't fight often and he's a good guy, so I doubt he's pulling this stuff out of his ass JUST to start a fight.
My guess: you may be honestly ready to TTC but you got a little too gung-ho once you saw your friends were having babies ... he may have not been 100% ready but he once again "went along with it" to keep the peace and felt bad because he yet again turned himself into a doormat about something ... and now it's all coming to a head. Stop ignoring him and TALK to him.
I just don't see the point in waiting 6 months vs. now so I feel it's probably better for me not to say anything because I don't want to trap him into thinking it's necessary now. I just don't see how 6 months will change anything.
Please try not to invalidate his feelings. While you may not see the point of waiting and maybe he can't articulate why he wants to wait, its still alright for him to take a moment. Being a parent CHANGES your life-you should appreciate that he's not taking that lightly.