UPDATE at the end.Put this in perspective for me.

[HoneySpider]

Sept 14, 2012 9:28:35 GMT -5 needhelp said:

To answer a few questions. I am 27 and DH will be 30 this year. When we got engaged in 2008 we said we would wait 2 years after getting married to TTC. After we got married DH lost his job and we had a rough patch for 6 months with no money coming in. Our e-fund really helped us out and we have over 1 year still available. We are not struggling with money at all but plan on buying a new home next year.

I guess I missed the signs in the last month since I have been asking him if everything is ok and he said he was having a rough time at work but I think that was an excuse. He said he started thinking about this 3 weeks ago and he said he wanted to wait until after his 30th birthday to even think about it. He has brought that up before but I figured since our original plan was 2 years by the time I wind up pregnant it would be after his 30th birthday or have a baby shortly after.

I just don't see the point in waiting 6 months vs. now so I feel it's probably better for me not to say anything because I don't want to trap him into thinking it's necessary now. I just don't see how 6 months will change anything.

Plans change. So you had an original timeline of waiting 2 years after you were married. Great, but how could you possibly know at that point in time that everything was going to be in place for you at that 2 year mark? I think you need a little flexibility and to take into consideration all of the factors. Maybe YH thought he would be ready by now but he isn't.

You don't see the point in waiting 6 months...how about the fact that YH clearly isn't ready? Listen to him and what he is saying and feeling. This is a decision you make together. Just because you are ready doesn't mean he is and you need to respect that. I was ready to start TTC before my husband, but I wasn't going to start until I knew he was ready.

[mbcdefg]

Sept 14, 2012 9:28:35 GMT -5 needhelp said:

I guess I missed the signs in the last month since I have been asking him if everything is ok and he said he was having a rough time at work but I think that was an excuse. He said he started thinking about this 3 weeks ago and he said he wanted to wait until after his 30th birthday to even think about it. He has brought that up before but I figured since our original plan was 2 years by the time I wind up pregnant it would be after his 30th birthday or have a baby shortly after.

I just don't see the point in waiting 6 months vs. now so I feel it's probably better for me not to say anything because I don't want to trap him into thinking it's necessary now. I just don't see how 6 months will change anything.

It sounds like the conversation went like this (either in real life, and/or in his head):

Him: "I'm having doubts about TTC at this point."

You: "Well, tough luck, because we agreed we'd start after we'd been married two years."

And then you're saying that he's asking for six more months, and you're saying no because YOU don't personally see the point. WTF is the rush? Like you said, six months doesn't really make a difference. It sounds like you were just counting down to the two-year mark this whole time, and now that it's here you're determined to stick to it. You're basing your joint TTC plans based on what YOU think is the right thing to do.

If your husband is as agreeable and non-confrontational as you say, then I'm wondering if you've just sort of grown used to calling the shots in your marriage and now you're sort of shell-shocked that that isn't the case with this issue.

[CloudBee]

Sept 14, 2012 9:28:35 GMT -5 needhelp said:

I just don't see the point in waiting 6 months vs. now so I feel it's probably better for me not to say anything because I don't want to trap him into thinking it's necessary now. I just don't see how 6 months will change anything.

Now that he's had a moment of reality, he may need some time to grasp it all. Just like some people take a deep breath to calm their nerves before entering new territory.

His emotions are worth 6 months.

[needhelp]

During his 2 hours of apologizing he just kept repeating he was sorry. I told him that I was upset that he brought this up as we were going to bed and I needed to get up for work in the morning. I just kept repeating that he could have said this 4 months ago when I went to the doctor and started taking prenatals and charting.

He is a pretty closed off guy so he didn't say much other than I'm sorry and we'll be fine which I don't feel fine right now. He said I don't compromise but he never spoke to me about this before so there was no way to compromise sooner. He ended it with "I guess I can come around."

I think the financial aspect was a scape goat for him. We had it rough 2 years ago for 6 mos. There has been many jokes the last couple of weeks about ZOMG we don't have 100k in the bank and can't have a baby. We have almost 1 years salary in the bank but his excuse is that he is worried he may get laid off again.

[ECB]

Sept 14, 2012 9:45:55 GMT -5 needhelp said:

I just kept repeating that he could have said this 4 months ago when I went to the doctor and started taking prenatals and charting.

Seriously? So you had a doctor's appt and now you're taking prenatals. So what? It's not like your going through invasive infertility treatments.

All this - you can keep doing if you want or you can stop. It doesn't matter either way.

This isn't something to hang your hat on.

TALK to him. HEAR him.

[Deleted]

Sept 14, 2012 9:45:55 GMT -5 needhelp said:

During his 2 hours of apologizing he just kept repeating he was sorry. I told him that I was upset that he brought this up as we were going to bed and I needed to get up for work in the morning. I just kept repeating that he could have said this 4 months ago when I went to the doctor and started taking prenatals and charting.

He is a pretty closed off guy so he didn't say much other than I'm sorry and we'll be fine which I don't feel fine right now. He said I don't compromise but he never spoke to me about this before so there was no way to compromise sooner. He ended it with "I guess I can come around."

I think the financial aspect was a scape goat for him. We had it rough 2 years ago for 6 mos. There has been many jokes the last couple of weeks about ZOMG we don't have 100k in the bank and can't have a baby. We have almost 1 years salary in the bank but his excuse is that he is worried he may get laid off again.

You're sounding crazy here. It seems like you're a hard person to talk to.

[needhelp]

Sept 14, 2012 9:39:53 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

Sept 14, 2012 9:28:35 GMT -5 needhelp said:

I guess I missed the signs in the last month since I have been asking him if everything is ok and he said he was having a rough time at work but I think that was an excuse. He said he started thinking about this 3 weeks ago and he said he wanted to wait until after his 30th birthday to even think about it. He has brought that up before but I figured since our original plan was 2 years by the time I wind up pregnant it would be after his 30th birthday or have a baby shortly after.

I just don't see the point in waiting 6 months vs. now so I feel it's probably better for me not to say anything because I don't want to trap him into thinking it's necessary now. I just don't see how 6 months will change anything.

It sounds like the conversation went like this (either in real life, and/or in his head):

Him: "I'm having doubts about TTC at this point."

You: "Well, tough luck, because we agreed we'd start after we'd been married two years."

And then you're saying that he's asking for six more months, and you're saying no because YOU don't personally see the point. WTF is the rush? Like you said, six months doesn't really make a difference. It sounds like you were just counting down to the two-year mark this whole time, and now that it's here you're determined to stick to it. You're basing your joint TTC plans based on what YOU think is the right thing to do.

He began at 10:30 after his nap. He said do you want to sell the house now or wait until the spring? I said we might as well wait since the holidays are coming up. Some huffing and puffing on his end ensued and he blurts out "I don't want to have a baby not be settled. I don't want to live in a basement with a baby or your mom's house." We never said we would do either and I suggested that only if there was a short period between selling our house and buying a new one as in the closing date wasn't decided. He said I just worry about money and how we can do this all. I don't want to do this until all renovations are done on a new house.

If your husband is as agreeable and non-confrontational as you say, then I'm wondering if you've just sort of grown used to calling the shots in your marriage and now you're sort of shell-shocked that that isn't the case with this issue.

[Deleted]

So if you don't think 6 months will make a difference, what's your plan? Divorce him? Never have kids? Lie about being on birth control?

TALK about what he's scared of. Acknowledge that his feelings are valid. Ask what the two of you can do together to work through them.

You're 27. Six months will not kill you. You have no idea what the future holds for you. Your whole world can change in six months.

[needhelp]

Where should I go from here? I have already heard that I am crazycrakes so how do I find someone to talk to? I don't want to snap out on him but I must have my blinders on and don't want to accept this. I feel like my marriage is going to be doomed because of this.

[Deleted]

Sept 14, 2012 9:51:20 GMT -5 needhelp said:

He began at 10:30 after his nap. He said do you want to sell the house now or wait until the spring? I said we might as well wait since the holidays are coming up. Some huffing and puffing on his end ensued and he blurts out "I don't want to have a baby not be settled. I don't want to live in a basement with a baby or your mom's house." We never said we would do either and I suggested that only if there was a short period between selling our house and buying a new one as in the closing date wasn't decided. He said I just worry about money and how we can do this all. I don't want to do this until all renovations are done on a new house.

This was the conversation and you jumped to the conclusion that he'll be a bad father and he doesn't want kids???

[needhelp]

Sept 14, 2012 9:53:39 GMT -5 @angryharpy said:

So if you don't think 6 months will make a difference, what's your plan? Divorce him? Never have kids? Lie about being on birth control?

TALK about what he's scared of. Acknowledge that his feelings are valid. Ask what the two of you can do together to work through them.

You're 27. Six months will not kill you. You have no idea what the future holds for you. Your whole world can change in six months.

I don't know what to do and that's what I need help with. I don't see how I can continue like nothing is wrong. I feel like I am going to put on this outer shell on that people will see but I will be really unhappy on the inside.

[Deleted]

It sounds like there is a huge difference between wanting to be settled if you are planning on moving soon and not wanting kids, period. It also sounds like that is where the "6 months" comes from - time to sell your house and move.

You are definitely overreacting. Deep breaths. Talk to him. But more importantly LISTEN to him. I think you are reading way more into his comments than is necessary.

[Deleted]

Sept 14, 2012 9:56:42 GMT -5 c7 said:

Sept 14, 2012 9:54:03 GMT -5 needhelp said:

Where should I go from here? I have already heard that I am crazycrakes so how do I find someone to talk to? I don't want to snap out on him but I must have my blinders on and don't want to accept this. I feel like my marriage is going to be doomed because of this.

We're telling you to LISTEN TO YOUR HUSBAND. Have an open dialogue.

If you don't know how to do that, then maybe you need individual therapy.

:Y:

[anna7602]

Sept 14, 2012 9:45:55 GMT -5 needhelp said:

I think the financial aspect was a scape goat for him. We had it rough 2 years ago for 6 mos. There has been many jokes the last couple of weeks about ZOMG we don't have 100k in the bank and can't have a baby. We have almost 1 years salary in the bank but his excuse is that he is worried he may get laid off again.

Finances can be very emotional. It's not just about the money you actually have in the bank right now. It's the whole concept of "providing" for another human being for the rest of your life, and theirs. The actual amount of money in the bank can be irrelevant if you wake up every day with anxiety about how you will one day afford college or family vacations or whatever it is in your DH's head that he thinks he should be giving his future children. I know my DH and I have very different ideas about what kids "need" and don't need to be happy. Having a frank conversation about these things was really important to have before we started TTC our DD. And we had a whole other almost year-long conversation about the same thing again before starting to TTC # 2.

As others said, don't invalidate your DH's feelings. Hear him out. I know it's frustrating when you don't feel like you're on the same time line, believe me, but you won't feel any better plowing ahead without his full support.

[ECB]

Sept 14, 2012 9:54:03 GMT -5 needhelp said:

Where should I go from here? I have already heard that I am crazycrakes so how do I find someone to talk to? I don't want to snap out on him but I must have my blinders on and don't want to accept this. I feel like my marriage is going to be doomed because of this.

And again.... no wonder he was afraid to mention this before.

It sounds like you were talking about moving soon too. And he's nervous about doing that AND also having a child.

Why not tackle the house issue first, THEN move on to th ebaby? Maybe if one MAJOR life change is out of the way, he'll be more comfortable w/ another MAJOR life change.

Doing both of these in the same year... it IS alot.

You really just don't seem to be HEARING him, and honestly, from that front... that might "doom" your marriage. I have friends where the wife has basically steam rolled through all their major life plans - and her DH is every agreeable and quiet too. They now have the house, the child, etc - but they look MISERABLE.

On the outside, she has everything she wants, but underneath the surface - I see some major issues bubbling.

So STOP, chill, and LISTEN to your DH.

[Deleted]

Sept 14, 2012 9:54:03 GMT -5 needhelp said:

Where should I go from here? I have already heard that I am crazycrakes so how do I find someone to talk to? I don't want to snap out on him but I must have my blinders on and don't want to accept this. I feel like my marriage is going to be doomed because of this.

What? Your marriage is not doomed. You clearly have some big stuff coming up if you want to sell your house and I think your H sounds reasonable here - I'm not saying its completely his way or nothing - but it's definitely worth discussing.

You sit down, apologize for your overreacting, and ask if you can start the convo over.

[needhelp]

Sept 14, 2012 9:55:10 GMT -5 d0ri said:

Sept 14, 2012 9:51:20 GMT -5 needhelp said:

He began at 10:30 after his nap. He said do you want to sell the house now or wait until the spring? I said we might as well wait since the holidays are coming up. Some huffing and puffing on his end ensued and he blurts out "I don't want to have a baby not be settled. I don't want to live in a basement with a baby or your mom's house." We never said we would do either and I suggested that only if there was a short period between selling our house and buying a new one as in the closing date wasn't decided. He said I just worry about money and how we can do this all. I don't want to do this until all renovations are done on a new house.

This was the conversation and you jumped to the conclusion that he'll be a bad father and he doesn't want kids???

In my head I imagine my father who only came around when he was interested in seeing me. I guess I now see my views are different from him. I just imagine me being pregnant and excited and him being sad and not wanting a baby like he said. I've never seen this side of him before and wouldn't want to have a baby and them him not be interested in being there.

[jillboston]

How do you feel about his statement that you do not compromise? I think that is huge really. Is it true? Is a part of it true? I think a little soul searching is in order here.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you have run this train from the get go. We're getting married in x number of months/years, we are having a baby two years from then. How much discussion really went into this timeline?

[Deleted]

Sept 14, 2012 9:54:03 GMT -5 needhelp said:

Where should I go from here? I have already heard that I am crazycrakes so how do I find someone to talk to? I don't want to snap out on him but I must have my blinders on and don't want to accept this. I feel like my marriage is going to be doomed because of this.

Slow down....you feel like your marriage is doomed because you want a baby RIGHT now and he wants to wait 6 months? Thats a little dramatic don't you think? You need to sit down and have a conversation with your H. You may not think you need more money but you need to hear his concerns. Maybe he thinks you'll want to quit your job after the baby is here and there will be income loss while you are out of work (even for maternity leave), maybe he wants to buy something or take a trip before you have the expense of a baby, maybe he's just freaked the fvck out and needs a little more time. If you are ready to throw in the towel on your entire marriage because you can't wait 6 months, I question why you want him to be the father of your child in the first place.
If you need help communicating your feelings with each other, get to counseling.

[mbcdefg]

Your husband sounds like my husband ... if he gets in a panic about something, he starts inventing all these crazy scenarios in his head. So I can see why you're frustrated in this respect ... you can plan all you like, but sometimes after you've done the best you can you just have to jump in and see what happens. This is how I am. MH is a guy who just needs to be prepared for every possible scenario, and who will have a few initial moments of panic if life suddenly throws a curveball. It's so frustrating that he can't just go with the flow sometimes on even the most basic topics.

That being said:

Sept 14, 2012 9:51:20 GMT -5 needhelp said:

During his 2 hours of apologizing he just kept repeating he was sorry. I told him that I was upset that he brought this up as we were going to bed and I needed to get up for work in the morning. I just kept repeating that he could have said this 4 months ago when I went to the doctor and started taking prenatals and charting.

He is a pretty closed off guy so he didn't say much other than I'm sorry and we'll be fine which I don't feel fine right now. He said I don't compromise but he never spoke to me about this before so there was no way to compromise sooner. He ended it with "I guess I can come around."

These statements right here really stuck out to me. Ditto the PP who said it sounds like you are a very hard person to talk to. It sounds like you make up your mind about something and then you're not willing to be flexible about it. And it sounds like your husband is normally a wishy-washy guy, but in your marriage he's gotten so used to you always calling the shots that he's accustomed to just letting you have your way all the time. And his "I'm not ready" outburst the other night was probably a cry of frustration after keeping it bottled up for years and years.

He needs to realize that you will never, ever be 100% prepared for a baby. But YOU need to realize that your husband's feelings matter more than a meaningless timeline you set several years ago.

Here's what you need to do: Kindly tell your husband that you are sorry for ignoring him (even if you call him or shoot off a text right now), and that you'd like to sit down and discuss this when you're both at home with lots of time to spare. If he needs six more months, then so be it ... in the meantime, you can sit down with your written budget and show him how you will make it all work.

MH is the budgeter in our house, and if he shows me written plans about our budget it helps me see how the plans will indeed work out. If he starts talking about numbers in a conversation, then I have a very hard time following and I just get frustrated and we get nowhere.

[birdmom]

Maybe it's just time to reevaluate. In the grand scheme of things, 6 months isn't a big deal. Revisit it again in 6 months and see if he's more on board then. I think it's normal to have small freak outs when you're TTC. Having a baby is a big deal, and you'll always wonder if there's going to be enough money, how your life is going to change, etc. I have an almost two year old and I still have little freak outs here and there.

[mbcdefg]

Sept 14, 2012 9:59:31 GMT -5 needhelp said:

Sept 14, 2012 9:55:10 GMT -5 d0ri said:

This was the conversation and you jumped to the conclusion that he'll be a bad father and he doesn't want kids???

In my head I imagine my father who only came around when he was interested in seeing me. I guess I now see my views are different from him. I just imagine me being pregnant and excited and him being sad and not wanting a baby like he said. I've never seen this side of him before and wouldn't want to have a baby and them him not be interested in being there.

Have you ever seen a counselor about what happened with your father? It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues.

I totally get why your experience with your own father has made you more sensitive to this topic, but it's not fair that your husband's request to delay TTC a little longer has sudenly turned him into another deadbeat dad in your eyes.

And re: the bolded ... again, he never said he doesn't want to have a baby with you, correct? He just said he wanted to WAIT a little longer.

Especially if you are moving. We bought our first house last year and there were SO many things (way, way less important than a baby ... I'm talking vacations, how much to spend on Christmas gifts, and getting a second cat, FFS) that MH wanted to delay until we got settled in the house for a few months.

Like I said, your H sounds like my H, and if that's the case then they just can't handle more than one major change at a time. It doesn't mean they don't love us and don't want a future with us ... it means that they're worrywarts

[heygrey]

quite frankly, from your posts and follow-ups it sounds like you DON'T compromise. you also sound incredibly pessimistic - your marriage is not doomed over this, you will not be a shell of your former self going forward. man up, LISTEN to your husband, work on this together, and don't hold so tight to silly plans that were made before you got married. those plans were simply dreams, and dreams can change.

[livinitup]

I think it sounds like a pretty typical freak out. Most people have an "Oh. My. G*d. WhatTheFuckWasIthinkingWeCantDoThisWeCantAffordThis moment when trying for or xpecting a baby. It even happens when they are newborns.

You're 2 months into a life changing, life altering plan. Sure, its a plan you both want, but can't a guy freak out and just have his wife say "Take deep breathes honey, it's going to be okay."?

I thought I was PG for a very planned, very wanted second baby and I had an all-out freak out, early morning freak out for fear that I was about to "ruin our wonderful family".

I happens. Be supportive, talk, listen. Let him know everything will be okay.

[needhelp]

Sept 14, 2012 10:01:25 GMT -5 jillboston said:

How do you feel about his statement that you do not compromise? I think that is huge really. Is it true? Is a part of it true? I think a little soul searching is in order here.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you have run this train from the get go. We're getting married in x number of months/years, we are having a baby two years from then. How much discussion really went into this timeline?

The compromise aspect is probably true but it's pretty hard to make a compromise when you aren't aware that one is wanted. The timeline was brought up by him way before we were married. I had briefly asked last year if he was ready for a baby or wanted to wait and he said he wanted to wait until after the 2 year mark which then turned into his 30th birthday.

I did say some hurtful things last night and I will apologize tonight. It is difficult for me to stay on topic because when I am annoyed I generally like to stay quiet so I don't let out things that I don't want to say.

[livinitup]

Oh, and dn't be so ashamed of this. I bet most of those "really happy and excited" dads had a few feak out moments, too. The moms, too. Talk to a friend or two and get some support.

[carfar]

Sept 14, 2012 9:54:03 GMT -5 needhelp said:

Where should I go from here? I have already heard that I am crazycrakes so how do I find someone to talk to? I don't want to snap out on him but I must have my blinders on and don't want to accept this. I feel like my marriage is going to be doomed because of this.

Seriously?? Ok, he has concerns about money. Ask him what financial goals hed like in place before he's comfortable.... Ask him what else has him pitting on the breaks. TALK this is not a problem that seems can't be worked out if you will communicate with him. You are jumping to conclusions and being super unreasonable.

[Deleted]

If you don't see what difference six months can make, why not just give him the time? TTC is scary! Hell, I m actually pregnant and I alternate between, "omg we did it!" and "omg what have we done!" every day.

I tend to roll my eyes at how quickly this board jumps to therapy as an answer but I think you should use these 6 months to find a therapist and discuss some of the issues revealed in this thread.

[thatgirl2478]

I haven't read everything yet, but taking the plunge to have that first kid can be pretty fucking scary - even if you WANT kids and know you'd make a great dad/mom. I know it was for me! This is a very important decision, you can't return it or decide it's not for you once it's happened. I think having a little apprehension is normal.

That said - is it normal 'cold feet' or is it something more. I would take a month or 2 off from TTC and sort through your feelings & fears calmly and rationally.

If he's worried about not making enough money, run through the budget with him. Do the research to find out how much babies really cost. Price formula & diapers (even online if it weirds him out to do it in the store) a crib and a carseat.

[fbf2006]

Sept 14, 2012 10:12:20 GMT -5 @jimbooo said:

I may have a different perspective than others. My hubby and I agreed we'd have 1-2 kids (through adoption) prior to marriage. Once we got married, about a year later I brought it up and he said he decided he didn't want anymore (he has two from a previous marriage). I was floored. I cried and cried and thought our marriage was over. We didn't discuss it for a bit and just kinda kept on living our lives as we had. Then one day out of the blue I brought it up again lightheartedly, and he was totally for it. He is the one who went and got all the adoption info and said lets do this. I didn't believe him at that point. I thought it was all for show and once a child was waiting for us, he'd back out. I was so fearful. It just seemed too good to be true that he changed his mind.

We got a call for a newborn one day while we were at work. We had to make the decision within 20 minutes and would have to pick up the newborn at the hospital in one hour. Talk about tough decisions. I was freaking out as I thought we'd have much more notice. I called hubby and work and he was 100% for it.. he just responded "lets go get our baby".

I tell you all this because I came to a webboard after hubby told me he didn't want kids with me. Everyone told me to leave right away. I'm SOOOOOOOO glad I never listened. I will never know what sparked the change in hubby, but he is now the happiest daddy in the world. Our lives have changed for the better in ways we never imagined.

I'm not saying to wait around forever for him to change his mind, but I definintely would give him more time to process his feelings. Maybe agree to discuss it again in 30 days? Best of luck!

Her husband didn't say he doesn't want kids though, just not right now!