Yes. I agree that a 6 month period is not important. I am worried that this may happen again in 6 months. Wait until the last minute leading me on and then I'm still not ready.
Well have a discussion with him. It seems you're now thinking that you will start trying in exactly 6 months, just like you thought you had to start trying right at the 2nd year mark. It might not be exactly at that time. Just talk to each other! Also, you really still think he just led you on. I don't think you understand many of the previous posts at all.
Yes. I agree that a 6 month period is not important. I am worried that this may happen again in 6 months. Wait until the last minute leading me on and then I'm still not ready.
I think this may be at the root of your problem. You're taking this WAY too personally, as if your H intentionally did this to screw with you.
I obviously don't know your relationship with him so I could very well be wrong here ... but from the way you described everything, it sounds like he kept his mouth shut out of fear of your reaction or because he didn't want to disappoint you, plus he's just always been used to staying quiet and letting someone else call the shots. Not because he wanted to mislead you or lie to you.
I mean, the fact that he spent two hours apologizing to you and then said that he'd basically do whatever you want ... he seems to have issues with poor self-esteem. He shouldn't feel like he should beg your forgiveness over expressing an opinion. That's something he needs to get over, because like you said, then it just comes across as him jerking you around even if he doesn't intend it that way.
Exactly! I truly don't understand the dynamics of your relationship. It just doesn't seem like this can be sustained for long enough if you both can't freely discuss things without the kind of reaction you exhibited and his quick apology.
He does not want a baby right now is not- he does not want children ever. Are your finances ready for children? Do you generally not compromise? He most likely is getting cold feet when considering all the ramifications and changes that a child would bring. Try and set aside a time where HE can tell you about his thoughts and feelings on the subject and you just LISTEN. Stop the silent treatment - that is childish. Stop TCC for now. Ask what does he need to feel comfortable in order to feel comfortable in having a child, (changes in the marriage, finances - savings, debt pay off, income levels etc)
If this is what you do everytime he has an actual emotion about things, no wonder he avoids confronting you at all cots.
Your husband had some legitimate freakouts about starting a family. Perfectly normal feelings. And you stompted on them for two straight hours and called him a Deadbeat "just like your dad" on these boards. Oh my goodness.
You need to sit down with the man and FIRST, apologize for totally losing your shit.
Then, you need to start looking at his concerns. If its timing, what does he want to accomplish during that time that will help him feel more prepared. If he wants to be in a house first, then disucss the pros and cons of that. If he wants more money saved away? How much, why, and what's the time frame. You picked this arbitrary "two years" date, why not sit down with the man and get on a real plan here that takes in to account your life now? Hasn't he earned that much?
Also? If everytime your husband displeases you, he's the reincarnation of your deadbeat dad, you need to get that addressed professionally. I wish you the best of luck.
I'm throwing out the "you guys need marital counseling" card.
your communication skills are severely lacking and that is only going to make life harder once there is a kid in the mix. Find a marriage counselor and work on your communication skills and how you guys approach conflict and how you resolve it.
You guys all confirmed what was expected to happen last night. After a long conversation which was like pulling teeth since all I got was answers of "I don't know," DH blurted out "I'm scared okay." He said he couldn't articulate what he was scared about specifically but rather everything in general.
He also said that I have become baby obsessed which I guess I can agree with. He said he gets extremely panicky when all I talk about is ovulating and needing to have sex on a certain day.
We decided we would give it a month or two and see how we feel then. When the time arrives I will still chart and temp but be sure to not bring it up to him and not discuss it at every conversation. Thank you for your words of wisdom ladies!
How do you feel about his statement that you do not compromise? I think that is huge really. Is it true? Is a part of it true? I think a little soul searching is in order here. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you have run this train from the get go. We're getting married in x number of months/years, we are having a baby two years from then. How much discussion really went into this timeline?
The compromise aspect is probably true but it's pretty hard to make a compromise when you aren't aware that one is wanted.
Are you really never aware when a compromise is wanted? Or do you just railroad your husband's feelings and opinions? Because he has clearly told you how he feels and instead of compromising you tried to invalidate his feelings.
Why do you need to chart and discuss ovulation with your husband? That's too much pressure! When the time comes just have sex and enjoy the alone time while you have it.
I didn't think it was a big deal to talk about charting. I talk about my period all the time just like he makes it known that he has to take a crap. It's part of life.
Finances are not an issue. Our debt includes mortgage, student loan and car payment. We have no credit card debt. We have about 7k left over after we pay these bills.
Post by cherry1111 on Sept 15, 2012 9:21:17 GMT -5
My husband also didn't like to know that I was ovulating. So we agreed that around that time I'd tell him once that it was important to have sex that week, and not mention it again. I didn't see the big deal either but if it helped him, whatever.
You guys all confirmed what was expected to happen last night. After a long conversation which was like pulling teeth since all I got was answers of "I don't know," DH blurted out "I'm scared okay." He said he couldn't articulate what he was scared about specifically but rather everything in general.
He also said that I have become baby obsessed which I guess I can agree with. He said he gets extremely panicky when all I talk about is ovulating and needing to have sex on a certain day.
We decided we would give it a month or two and see how we feel then. When the time arrives I will still chart and temp but be sure to not bring it up to him and not discuss it at every conversation. Thank you for your words of wisdom ladies!
I'm not sure why you're charting and temping right from the get-go, but it does sound like you're a little baby obsessed and YOUR behavior has resulted in your H going into a massive panic. Rightly so, IMO.
You seem young enough and it's good that your finances in order, but how about just relaxing and when the time comes to bring another person into the world to just let it...HAPPEN. :-| This may sound like a foreign concept to someone who is very clearly Type A with huge control issues, but starting a family is a scary concept to most people, not just men. Bringing out charts and stating when you need to do the deed...I know a few guys who would probably run for the hills.
It's not a big deal if things don't go according to your "timeline" Sometimes it's better to just let things take their course. I think if you were to ease up and take the pressure of both H AND YOURSELF, it would really benefit the both of you.
It seems you still aren't truly listening, concerned about the bigger picture of your husbands feelings, and improving your communication. That is a bummer.
I definitely am listening to him and that's why I am not going to push the issue and realize he isn't ready. I am just not going to agree and say yeah our finances aren't in order and we don't have money. If he isn't ready emotionally or mentally then that's totally different.
The nest has definitely clouded my vision about TTC. I never knew about charting or OPK before and that seems like the norm around here.
Again, typical reaction. If all of a sudden sex goes from being something you do when you're in the mood, to making it your job, it can make people freak out.
He doesn't need to know that you're temping or when you're ovulating. It sounds like he doesn't WANT to know. Once you get on the same page about TTCing again, take a couple of months to see what happens. Then at that point, you can ease back into charting, etc. And just don't tell him. It's not worth the stress.
I'm just reading this now. It sounds like you and your DH have zero idea how to communicate with each other. I don't know how you've made it this far, but you have GOT to learn this skill - it's essential to a successful marriage. Adding kids when you have this issue is a terrible idea, so I think stopping TTC for a while is a good idea. Please take this time to see a marriage counselor and learn how to communicate unless you want to end up divorced, or raising your children in a miserably unhappy marriage.
I can understand why you're frustrated about the charting/ temping thing. The usual response to a "why am I not getting pregnant" post is a group shout of "because you're not barging and temping!" And here you are being told not to chart and temp and "just let it happen." That is a first for me to see around here.
That said, the issue really lies in the fact that it doesn't seem like you had a conversation WITH your husband abou TTC. It sounds like you took steps like prenatals and throwing out the condoms, and expected him to understand what was going on. Having a baby is a HUGE decision, and it needs to be made jointly through open diologue. It doesn't seem like you guys are able to do that on this subject. I ditto earlier recommendations for marriage counseling to help you work through communication issues. I also ditto personal counseling to help you work through issues you have about your father.
Look, to a certain extent I understand the place you are coming from. I had mentally decided we'd TTC after our Europe trip last fall. In conversations, DH was adamant that we wait until a couple of financial goals were met. I was pretty heartbroken about it for a few months, as I didn't agree with his timeline. I was ridiculously emotional about it. Curled in a ball on the floor crying. But in the end we waited until the earlies moment he was ready. And damn good thing we did, as we were lucky to get pregnant right away. He was prepared for that possibility; I was not.
It's a huge decision, and should be made together.
type A personality to the extreme + super passive personality
I've seen a lot of marriages with this combination though. The type A is happy that they have someone to order around, the passive one is glad they don't have to make any decisions. (I can't imagine being married to someone with no opinions, but that's another matter). But it always seems to blow up at some point, either when the passive one grows some balls or finds something they actually care about. Then they either learn to overcome it or get a divorce. Or end up as one of those miserable married couples who clearly hate each other.
Post by dexteroni on Sept 15, 2012 10:15:12 GMT -5
Also OP, minor detail, but you might want to change your title to say "update on page 4" since no one is going to know where the end was when you posted.
And here you are being told not to chart and temp and "just let it happen." That is a first for me to see around here.
They're only on month 2. I get that OP is excited but I don't know of anyone who advises charting and temping from the start.
This. People suggest that after someone has been trying for a few months. Espeically if someone doesn't have regular periods. If you're regular (have no clue about the OP, though), charting and temping probably really isn't all that necessary straight out of the gate.
Seriously- this takes the "Trying" part of having a baby to a totally non-enjoyable, clinical level.
They're only on month 2. I get that OP is excited but I don't know of anyone who advises charting and temping from the start.
This. People suggest that after someone has been trying for a few months. Espeically if someone doesn't have regular periods. If you're regular (have no clue about the OP, though), charting and temping probably really isn't all that necessary straight out of the gate.
Seriously- this takes the "Trying" part of having a baby to a totally non-enjoyable, clinical level.
I'm with idaholakelady on this one. Obviously charting and then sharing that info isn't working out for the OP (for a variety of reasons, as she has demonstrated quite well...sorry needhelp, I feel for you, but you took the crazy train to overreaction city), but to act like it's similarly crazy to chart early in the TTC process is off-base. I have indeed seen it recommended frequently both in Nest/Bump/GBCN-land and elsewhere.
I'm also on cycle 3 TTC; I'm charting and sharing that info with DH and we're both enjoying ourselves just fine, TYVM. :-P
Now, my DH is not needhelp's DH, and our relationship is not her relationship; bottom line, she needs to stop worrying about the "plan" and the norm and start worrying about approaching life-altering decisions as a team with her DH.
Trying for #3; FET 8/18 -- BFN. Leaving things up to chance for now... After three years, three IVFs, and two FETs, we finally have our miracle babIES!
Post by mariafromnj on Sept 15, 2012 19:47:49 GMT -5
Wow... I just read through your post and your updates and I feel so bad for your husband. You sound like an intense person who has not idea how to compromise and make well balanced decisions based on both people involved. IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU! You better learn how to listen to your husband and find away to take his feelings into consideration or your marriage will never survive. If he is scared you should be talking to him and working to make him feel better not freaking out and giving up on him. You want to be a SAHM... offer to really cut your spending and save as much as you can while working. Maybe you offer to keep working if you really want a baby and he is afraid to be the only one supporting the family.
Post by ohgillian on Sept 15, 2012 20:11:48 GMT -5
Setting aside the (extensive) respect and communication issues in the marriage, I don't get why so many people are against charting from the get go. I charted before TTC to know what was going on; then when we decided to TTC, I already knew what my body was up to. I got pregnant the first month of TTC with both pregnancies. (Not to say that everyone who charts will have that experience, of course.) If you are ready for a baby, why just wing it?
Post by LoveTrains on Sept 16, 2012 10:21:04 GMT -5
The OP is still crazy. She sits down with her H and then dismisses his feelings. OP needs to take a giant step back and put on her big girl panties. Marriage is about working together as a team.
Setting aside the (extensive) respect and communication issues in the marriage, I don't get why so many people are against charting from the get go. I charted before TTC to know what was going on; then when we decided to TTC, I already knew what my body was up to. I got pregnant the first month of TTC with both pregnancies. (Not to say that everyone who charts will have that experience, of course.) If you are ready for a baby, why just wing it?
It's one thing to chart, it's another to obsess over it. The OP may present this in the light of "I talk to my DH about everything", but to discuss temps, "we need ot have sex at the right exact time", etc in the FIRST TWO MONTHS of TTC when you actually have no idea of you'll have problems is obsessive.
People who don't have regular cycles - I understand charting right away. but if you have regular cycles, yeah... I think there is something to be said for "winging it" and kind of enjoying the process.