I tell you all this because I came to a webboard after hubby told me he didn't want kids with me. Everyone told me to leave right away. I'm SOOOOOOOO glad I never listened.
It seems like you make it hard on him to talk to you, evident by your reaction to him telling you he doesn't want to TTC now. Obviously his comment of you not compromising stems from more than just this issue. I understand where your initially reaction came from but with a husband like the one you're describing, that was the wrong way to go about it. You should apologize to him and encourage him to continue to open up to you. This is not the end of your relationship unless you make it. Wanting some more time is reasonable.
Touching on your husband being an introvert, my H is the same way. You have to encourage him to open up, talk about what he wants/needs etc. Start out by doing little things. If a weekend comes around and I can' think back to the last weekend we did something H wanted to do, I ask. If he says "whatever you want" I stay persistent until he makes a choice. If needed I'll go through out a few suggestions and have him decide. Same goes for movie night at home, dinner plans for the week, and so on.
It seems like you make it hard on him to talk to you, evident by your reaction to him telling you he doesn't want to TTC now. Obviously his comment of you not compromising stems from more than just this issue. I understand where your initially reaction came from but with a husband like the one you're describing, that was the wrong way to go about it. You should apologize to him and encourage him to continue to open up to you. This is not the end of your relationship unless you make it. Wanting some more time is reasonable.
Touching on your husband being an introvert, my H is the same way. You have to encourage him to open up, talk about what he wants/needs etc. Start out by doing little things. If a weekend comes around and I can' think back to the last weekend we did something H wanted to do, I ask. If he says "whatever you want" I stay persistent until he makes a choice. If needed I'll go through out a few suggestions and have him decide. Same goes for movie night at home, dinner plans for the week, and so on.
My husband's favorite line is whatever you want. This made me smile. I could ask him any question and he will answer with whatever you want or repeat the question back to me. Our conversation usually starts when I ask what do you want to eat? In return I get asked what DO you want to eat? It is really trying to deal with this passive behavior.
Honestly, you need to sit down and talk. Turning off the conversation is obviously making him feel guilty and you jump to scenarios of him never wanting to be a dad.
We've been talking about TTC for two years. I don't think you can turn it into one conversation. It needs to be an ongoing one, where you're both being honest.
It also sounds like he's the type of person who needs tangible goals met before taking a leap. There's nothing wrong with that. Sit down, start the conversation with, do you see yourself with kids. It seems like you'll get a yes. Move on from there with where do we as a couple need to be financially, emotionally for you to feel ready. Set those goals. COMPROMISE on the goals. He may want 100k in the bank and you'd feel comfortable with where you are now. You need to meet in the middle. Ask him what his fears are with having a baby now, figure out as a couple how you can address them together.
How do you feel about his statement that you do not compromise? I think that is huge really. Is it true? Is a part of it true? I think a little soul searching is in order here. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you have run this train from the get go. We're getting married in x number of months/years, we are having a baby two years from then. How much discussion really went into this timeline?
The compromise aspect is probably true but it's pretty hard to make a compromise when you aren't aware that one is wanted. The timeline was brought up by him way before we were married. I had briefly asked last year if he was ready for a baby or wanted to wait and he said he wanted to wait until after the 2 year mark which then turned into his 30th birthday.
I did say some hurtful things last night and I will apologize tonight. It is difficult for me to stay on topic because when I am annoyed I generally like to stay quiet so I don't let out things that I don't want to say.
This is circular logic. Your H is probalby afraid to tell you what he wants because he knows you won't compromise and is used to you belittling his feelings. That's why he's been holding it inside and then it came bubbling out late at night out of frustration.
I think beyond this issue, you guys definitely need to work on your communication. I'm like you, I tend to call the shots and when I ask what my H wants he usually answers with what he thinks I want to hear. I've realized that over time, this will lead to resentment and greater issues that could erode our marriage. So I've been actively trying to listen to him more and when he says that, I ask him point blank: are you saying that because that's what you really want or what you think I want? And then I wait and I really try to give him time to speak.
I know everyone hates the therapy card, but really, H and I did a little relationship counseling and it really helped to get him to open up. And it helped me calm down and learn that I need to let him call the shots once in a while and learn to really listen to him.
Also, you are 27. 6 months is NOTHING. 6 months is worth showing your H that you are willing to wait to make sure he is ready rather than just treating him as the sperm donor in your master plan. Show him that you love him and that you guys are really in this together.
Stop stonewalling him. TALK. You say "there [is] nothing to discuss" yet your post suggests many talking points.
100% agree. I can understand your hurt / disappointment, but better to get everything out in the open now than later. The fact that you are jumping to the conclusion he will be a shitty dad because he is nervous TTC at this very moment is strange.
And unfair!
+1 to everything c7 and starry said.
From my perspective, 2.5 years after the wedding would feel kind of like rushing. Unless you're in your mid-30's, why DOES it need to be now? What were your reasons for choosing "now" when you started TTC? Did you discuss them? Was it truly a 2-sided conversation that considered both your and his opinions?
The fact that he is worried about money, etc. suggests to me that he WOULD be a conscientious dad, because he wants to do it right and take care of his kids in a certain way.
Stonewalling him now is a really immature way to handle the situation: "I'm not getting what I wanted and expected RIGHT NOW, so I'm disengaging." That's just supporting his view that you're being uncompromising.
Post by crazygame on Sept 14, 2012 10:40:00 GMT -5
Maybe you are underestimating the emotional affects of unemployment. He had a period where he wasn't bringing in any income. Now you guys are talking about a house and a baby and he's freaking scared.
My husband had an extended period of un/underemployment after law school. The affects on his feelings of security and worth didn't go away when he got his job. The birth of our daughter and his feelings of inadequacy with dealing with a newborn only exacerbated the issues. Please allow your husband the time to get comfortable with the decision to have a child and go easy on him.
As for your feelings, you should talk to a counselor. It has been very helpful to me in understanding my own reactions to my husband's issues.
My DH had the exact same freak-out early in our TTC process. I thought we had decided, and I got down to business immediately, trying to make it happen. Then, he said something very similar to what your DH said. I was pissed for a day or two, but then we had a big long discussion about it...
It turns out that he wasn't really thinking through the timeline and logistics of everything, and he was just kind of freaking out. I had to kindly remind him that, even if I were to have gotten pregnant in a month or two, in reality, the baby wouldn't be there for like almost a year. I talked through my reasoning and what I was feeling... and let him do the same. After the conversation, we were both on the same page.
It seems like you make it hard on him to talk to you, evident by your reaction to him telling you he doesn't want to TTC now. Obviously his comment of you not compromising stems from more than just this issue. I understand where your initially reaction came from but with a husband like the one you're describing, that was the wrong way to go about it. You should apologize to him and encourage him to continue to open up to you. This is not the end of your relationship unless you make it. Wanting some more time is reasonable.
Touching on your husband being an introvert, my H is the same way. You have to encourage him to open up, talk about what he wants/needs etc. Start out by doing little things. If a weekend comes around and I can' think back to the last weekend we did something H wanted to do, I ask. If he says "whatever you want" I stay persistent until he makes a choice. If needed I'll go through out a few suggestions and have him decide. Same goes for movie night at home, dinner plans for the week, and so on.
My husband's favorite line is whatever you want. This made me smile. I could ask him any question and he will answer with whatever you want or repeat the question back to me. Our conversation usually starts when I ask what do you want to eat? In return I get asked what DO you want to eat? It is really trying to deal with this passive behavior.
I tend to say "Whatever you want" as well, to MH. And the reason is because there are occasions where I'll say that we should do X and he'll counter back with, "Well, I don't like X. Y might be better." So I'll say that Y is fine, but then he goes off onto a tangent about the benefits of X vs. Y.
And it's so frustrating (I'm someone who prefers to make a decision and go with it, whereas he has to weight Every. Single. Option.)that I found myself saying, "Whatever you want" most of the time just to avoid a freaking 20-minute discussion over something like where we should go for dinner, and sometimes that led to arguments when we wound up making a decision that I wasn't entirely happy with.
We've talked about it. And we've compromised - I'll say "Whatever you want" if I honestly don't have a preference, but I'll speak up if I have a strong preference and he has to hear me out.
I don't know whether he says "Whatever you want" because he doesn't want to hear you discuss all your options at length, or because you get angry/sad when he gives an answer you don't want to hear (which, based on your statements here, I kind of think sounds like the reason). So it sounds like he needs to speak up more, and in turn, you need to learn to calmly accept someone else's opinion.
Maybe you are underestimating the emotional affects of unemployment. He had a period where he wasn't bringing in any income. Now you guys are talking about a house and a baby and he's freaking scared.
My husband had an extended period of un/underemployment after law school. The affects on his feelings of security and worth didn't go away when he got his job. The birth of our daughter and his feelings of inadequacy with dealing with a newborn only exacerbated the issues. Please allow your husband the time to get comfortable with the decision to have a child before and go easy on him.
As for your feelings, you should talk to a counselor. It has been very helpful to me in understanding my own reactions to my husband's issues.
I completely agree with this as well. H was unemployed about 3 years ago for about 9 months. To this day he still gets emotional when talking about it. It really affected his self confidence and it's taken about 3 years to get back to where he is today. We were 100% comfortable in our finances at the time as well.
You need to seriously take a look in the mirror and quit making everything about you.
I think his thoughts, feelings and actions are totally normal. I'm betting a lot of husbands (including mine) don't feel ready to be a dad but go along with TTC when the wife decides it's time. You need to talk through your feelings about this and decide together if you're ready to continue TTC right now. I don't think anything you posted sounds out of the ordinary and I'm sure he'll be a great dad someday.
Also, your perception that your friends' husbands are excited to become dads- probably totally false. Everyone is scared shitless.
TALK and LISTEN to your DH. He has legitimate feelings here. Also, 6 months in the grand scheme of things is NOT a lot of time to wait to TTC. Maybe you guys could go on a trip or do something as a couple in that time just to have some more 'couple' time.
I have a surprise baby who is 4 months old, and yes, its amazing BUT its exhausting and a lot of work. Don't take his concerns lightly or when the baby IS here he could get really overwhelmed.
You guys have started making me feel better already. I will have a talk tonight and decide what we should do next. I definitely think many of his financial insecurities stem from him being laid off before. He has mentioned before that it is only a matter of time before it happens again whether in 10-15 years. He also mentioned it being a lot of stress to provide for a family financially and having to worry about being able to put food on the table.
Post by clickerish on Sept 14, 2012 11:18:05 GMT -5
Here is from the other side. I was the passive person in my relationship. I always did what the other person wanted...and we even walked up to the TTC line and started the process. At that point, with another life involved, I freaked out, said I didn't want children, so forth.
Your relationship is not over. Unless you want it to be. 6 months is HUGE when you're talking about someone learning how to communicate what he wants and needs. How to express his fears and concerns and feel like he has a right to do so. Your reaction did not help at all. If there is a baby, he is going to have to learn to talk to you when he needs something, how to be part of the process rather than just your secondary. Don't you want that in your partner? Don't you want to rely on the man instead of not knowing wtf he's thinking?
You should be GRATEFUL he said this before you actually were pregnant! This doesn't mean he's not going to want kids, just not right now. When I freaked out, I had a serious reality check. I realised I was going along because I didn't want to make my partner feel badly. Because I knew at one point I would want a baby so I figured why not now, Except I actually wasn't ready. I realised I was worried that finances were going to disappear, that we would have to make our child live in the poverty I grew up in, and I didn't want it. I thought I HAD to have a baby at 28 because that was what I had said I would do--except I am not ready. An age is a number. Other people have babies--but my life is different. That is okay.
We are going to have a baby, but it is not going to be tomorrow. Fortunately for me, I was listened to, supported and we made a realistic plan to reconsider in about a year because our relationship needed to be solid and we needed to be strong as individuals before we could realistically be good parents. My baby will come when it is right, not because we set an arbitrary schedule.
Just listen to the man. Don't judge him. Try to figure out how to make this a team effort instead of a you effort--your baby will love you for it!
TALK and LISTEN to your DH. He has legitimate feelings here. Also, 6 months in the grand scheme of things is NOT a lot of time to wait to TTC. Maybe you guys could go on a trip or do something as a couple in that time just to have some more 'couple' time.
I have a surprise baby who is 4 months old, and yes, its amazing BUT its exhausting and a lot of work. Don't take his concerns lightly or when the baby IS here he could get really overwhelmed.
We just got back from vacation earlier this month where we were TTC.
Post by ohgillian on Sept 14, 2012 12:18:15 GMT -5
Everyone keeps telling you to talk to your husband, listen to him, etc., but honestly, I don't think you are going to be able to do that without doing some individual counseling to understand why you view things in such a black-and-white manner. Therapy really helped me and I recommend it for you. Good luck.
You are REALLY overreacting and sound controlling. My guess is that you are used to getting your way, so you are having a crazy freak out at the possibility that your H won't do whatever you want in regards to starting a family. The fact that your H is typically passive and lets you make all the decisions but actually spoke up about this says to me that he has some really strong feelings about waiting. You need to respect that.
Starting a family is a huge freaking deal. Your lives will change forever and you can't go back. If you were 34, I could see a reason to feel pressure to start now, but you have plenty of time. Fertility doesn't significantly decrease until 35. You have time to wait a couple of years and then STILL have time to have two or three kids. Of course you never know how long it will take and what the future holds, but that is no reason to rush such a life changing decision.
Plans change. Your H thought he'd be ready in two years but it turns out he isn't. Big deal. I thought we'd be ready for a second child by now, but we aren't. If my H threw a fit and said our marriage is doomed because two years ago I agreed we would have another when our son was two but now I want to wait, I'd think he lost his mind. No one has a crystal ball and you can plan for the future, but can't predict exactly how you feel in the future.
I think it is absolutely insane that your husband spent two hours apologizing for simply sharing how he feels, and then said that he will simply get used to the idea. If you just accept this and continue to TTC, then you are railroading him into becoming a parent and this could lead to all kinds of resentment and marriage problems. You need to learn to be more sensitive about your husband's feelings an opinions.
Put TTC on the back burner and agree to not bring it up for 6 months. Then in six months ask if he feels ready. If he doesn't, then see if you can narrow down any steps that you could take to make him feel more prepared, such as saving a certain amount of money, purchasing a house, or whatever would make him feel ready to move forward. It very likely may be that he simply wants more time and doesn't feel emotionally ready to give up his sleep, his extra money, his free time, etc, and that is absolutely valid. It doesn't mean he has changed his mind about being a parent, so don't freak out and react like this is what he said. Even if he wants another couple of years, this is truly not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Being a parent is not something you want to rush into and is not something you want to do until both partners feel ready for it.
I agree that your DH is probably just having the normal TTC freak out. Heck, my DH is freaking out over spending $3000 to put hardwood in the living room and that's WAY less of a deal than creating another human being.
Just relax and give him some time. And maybe find a counselor for yourself to help you understand that your DH needing some time doesn't turn him into your father.
hmmm I hope this doesn't mean your marriage is doomed because I have also put off ttc for over a year with my H. It doesn't mean that I never want kids or that I will be a shitty mother. It's a big decision for the rest of your lives and totally understandable that he is having second thoughts. 6 months is nothing when you are 27 years old and no apparent health problems. A lot of things can change in 6 months. You could buy a house before the baby, your H may get a promotion or something so he feels more job stability. You definitely could be saving more money in the meanwhile. You should listen to his reasoning. There could be a lot of practical reasons to wait, while there is no hurry to have a baby now. You can continue the prenatals.
Quick question that maybe you have answered above - you talked pre-marriage about starting TTC on your 2nd anniv, and about a year ago you confirmed with him that he was still good with the timing. When the 2nd anniv hit, did you re-confirm THEN that he was still good with TTC? Has he been well aware of the process (i.e. did you tell him that you were going to the doctor, that you were starting prenatals, etc)? My H and I had a lot of timing discussions between the initial "let's have a baby someday" and now, but we really ramped up right around the time we started TTC. I get a weird feeling that he waited until 2 months in to bring up his hesitations, when you say that you've been getting into the process for 4 months now and that you talked about it before marriage. Did he not realise that you had already started TTC or something?
Well I outed myself in my previous post and didn't want it out there too long. I will repeat here that DH knew I scheduled the appointment and dropped off my prenatal prescription. We had previously discussed what we would do if we had a baby with health issues. We also discussed me being a SAHM. He generally didn't initiate the conversation and I just chalked it up to him not feeling connected to the process and that would change once we were expecting.
You guys have started making me feel better already. I will have a talk tonight and decide what we should do next. I definitely think many of his financial insecurities stem from him being laid off before. He has mentioned before that it is only a matter of time before it happens again whether in 10-15 years. He also mentioned it being a lot of stress to provide for a family financially and having to worry about being able to put food on the table.
It only took 5 pages of sound advice and reasoning to get to this.
Post by hopecounts on Sept 14, 2012 13:29:54 GMT -5
Keep talking to your H and relax. Taking prenatals prior to TTC is good as there is significant benefits for being on them for 6-12 months prior to preganncy compared to starting them with TTC as it replenishes the body's stores and gets you healthy so that's NBD you're jut ahead of the game.
DH and I just decided to postpone TTC #2 just a few weeks before starting our FET because we unexpectedly got an offer to sell our house for it's value which is more than we paid for it. We talked and decided that it made more sense to wait 6 months or so and get moved/settled in sour new home before adding a pregnancy/baby to the mix.
It doesn't sound like he won't be a good father, it just sounds like he's not ready yet.
This x100
You guys need to be on the same page. And, it's one thing to talk about it, plan it, but when you start actively ttc, it can bring up a lot of different emotions.
Post by drloretta on Sept 14, 2012 14:14:56 GMT -5
Think about it this way:
1. He was laid off once for 6 months, and feels like it could happen again. And he would know, since he's the one in his field and knows the chances. That can be scary in and of itself. He saw firsthand how you guys probably went through some of your e-fund that time.
2. He's thinking about the possibility of layoffs, AND a baby, AND buying a house. All 3 things huge life changers. Which would make the most rational person freak out. We moved last year with a toddler, and even with a pretty decent financial situation, it was HARD. I can understand the freak-out. Maybe he wants to do one, then the other. Maybe he knows people who had kids and were in between houses and WERE in that basement apt and miserable. Totally understandable.
3. He wanted to start sometime AFTER the 2-year mark/his 30th birthday. It doesn't have to be the next day. It can be a few months after that, when you check in with each other on how you feel financially, emotionally, etc.
4. You mentioned something about being a SAHM. So now he's thinking, "She wants a baby, a new house, new house renovations, and a fully-funded e-fund, all on my salary. In an economy and an industry where layoffs are common." Gee, I can't imagine why he freaked out :/
Like the pps said, take a break for a few months, have the conversations, and listen to what each of you is saying. If you TTC at 28 instead of 27, it won't make much difference in the long run.
And when you say you don't see what 6 months will do, believe me it can make a world of difference. We were looking to adopt, and I was rarin' to go. DH was hesitant, as he had some (very valid) concerns about it. I suppose I could have thrown a hissy fit and refused to talk to him. But instead we checked in regularly over oh, about 6 months, and he started to learn more about it. At the end of that time he was ready to jump in with both feet.
Well I outed myself in my previous post and didn't want it out there too long. I will repeat here that DH knew I scheduled the appointment and dropped off my prenatal prescription. We had previously discussed what we would do if we had a baby with health issues. We also discussed me being a SAHM. He generally didn't initiate the conversation and I just chalked it up to him not feeling connected to the process and that would change once we were expecting.
So are you saying you guys never sat down and had the "okay, we're trying now" discussion?!
I am confused with what this discussion entails? Maybe I should know going forward. We stopped using condoms. He clearly knew what was going on.
Post by whitepicketfence on Sept 14, 2012 14:36:28 GMT -5
It sounds like you are letting your emotions rule right now and I think you need to take a step back for a moment. You are making a HUGE deal over 6 months. Having to wait half a year is pretty insignificant and you're already jumping to calling your marriage doomed and making it sound as if your DH never wants to have children. This is causing you to come across as incredibly immature and irrational. Are you honestly willing to ruin your marriage over waiting 6 months to TTC?
You need to let go of the arbitrary 2 year point = TTC in your marriage. Plans change. Having a baby will impact SO many aspects of your life. It's ok for him to be a little freaked out by it all. We have 2 kids and there are still some days where I think, "OMG. What did we get ourselves into?".
Yes. I agree that a 6 month period is not important. I am worried that this may happen again in 6 months. Wait until the last minute leading me on and then I'm still not ready.
This was the conversation and you jumped to the conclusion that he'll be a bad father and he doesn't want kids???
In my head I imagine my father who only came around when he was interested in seeing me. I guess I now see my views are different from him. I just imagine me being pregnant and excited and him being sad and not wanting a baby like he said. I've never seen this side of him before and wouldn't want to have a baby and them him not be interested in being there.
Did you know that pregnancy is the woman's part of preparing for parenthood and worrying / planning / strategizing is the main thing the father does before parenthood? I mean - obviously women (well, not all women, obviously) worry about this too - but for men, the first transition to fatherhood is going from a guy with a wife to a guy whose sole purpose in life is to provide emotionally and financially for his family who depend on him. Whether that's the actual financial truth or not, that is where their brains and hearts take them.
You need to respect the fact that your husband is taking his job as a father seriously - whether you are taking his role as a father seriously or not. Right now you are treating him like a sperm donor.
Yes. I agree that a 6 month period is not important. I am worried that this may happen again in 6 months. Wait until the last minute leading me on and then I'm still not ready.
I think this may be at the root of your problem. You're taking this WAY too personally, as if your H intentionally did this to screw with you.
I obviously don't know your relationship with him so I could very well be wrong here ... but from the way you described everything, it sounds like he kept his mouth shut out of fear of your reaction or because he didn't want to disappoint you, plus he's just always been used to staying quiet and letting someone else call the shots. Not because he wanted to mislead you or lie to you.
I mean, the fact that he spent two hours apologizing to you and then said that he'd basically do whatever you want ... he seems to have issues with poor self-esteem. He shouldn't feel like he should beg your forgiveness over expressing an opinion. That's something he needs to get over, because like you said, then it just comes across as him jerking you around even if he doesn't intend it that way.