I’m in the minority but if he is in a Facebook group with these people I wouldn’t really have an issue with Snapchat. Snapchat isn’t only for sending nude pictures. Some people enjoy the functions such as the filters and stuff.
You know your H. Only you know if he’s behaving odd. I wouldn’t have an issue with H having an account. I have one. I would find it odd that he didn’t tell me only because I’m on it and I would assume he would friend me.
Does he communicate with the women on Facebook as well? Do they communicate as frequently on Facebook?
No, I don't have any reason to think they communicate a lot on FB. My only concern was him saying the messages were flirty.
I asked him what specifically was flirty, and he just said that the only obvious one was a girl who was traveling for work. He told her that if she's ever in our area, they should meet up for a drink. He said he would never actually do it and only said it because he knew it would never happen.
I don't feel good that he suggested meeting in person, even though it would be unlikely to ever happen but my gut is telling me that he was just looking for an ego boost. I don't actually believe any cheating occurred, though obviously this was inappropriate.
Oh and if he confessed to the messages being "flirty" I'd be pretty fucking pissed. Because you know he is 100% minimizing it.
Make him give you concrete examples of what "flirty" means.
I just read that if he logs in again within 30 days, he can access his account again. Conveniently, he can no longer remember his password and said he isn't sure if he can reset it.
While I work on getting it active again, how do I view his history?
if he has access to his email then of course he can reset his password. His excuses would concern me.
You cannot see your entire chat history on Snapchat. Sometimes you can open a conversation, scroll up and see certain things. But by no means will you have access to all messages.
I’m in the minority but if he is in a Facebook group with these people I wouldn’t really have an issue with Snapchat. Snapchat isn’t only for sending nude pictures. Some people enjoy the functions such as the filters and stuff.
You know your H. Only you know if he’s behaving odd. I wouldn’t have an issue with H having an account. I have one. I would find it odd that he didn’t tell me only because I’m on it and I would assume he would friend me.
Does he communicate with the women on Facebook as well? Do they communicate as frequently on Facebook?
No, I don't have any reason to think they communicate a lot on FB. My only concern was him saying the messages were flirty.
I asked him what specifically was flirty, and he just said that the only obvious one was a girl who was traveling for work. He told her that if she's ever in our area, they should meet up for a drink. He said he would never actually do it and only said it because he knew it would never happen.
I don't feel good that he suggested meeting in person, even though it would be unlikely to ever happen but my gut is telling me that he was just looking for an ego boost. I don't actually believe any cheating occurred, though obviously this was inappropriate.
I would have an issue with him suggesting meeting up too. What if she had taken him up on the offer?? What then? If he is saying things to these women that he would not say to her right in front of you, then there is a problem. Then again I dated a guy who seemed to think nothing of flirting and enjoying girls flirting with him when I WAS there, so... lol
I hope he is transparent. One tip I can give is turn the scenario around for him. I have found that many times the other person sees this stuff as no big deal. But when you say, "OK, let's say this was me. That you found the app on my phone, my top three people were men and one of whom I chatted with the most. On top of that I admit to flirty banter and suggesting we meet up for drinks when he is in town next. How would you like that?" For me, that has always worked to get them to see that they are being asses because when I would flip it around you better believe that they did not like the idea at all.
I would have an issue with him suggesting meeting up too. What if she had taken him up on the offer?? What then? If he is saying things to these women that he would not say to her right in front of you, then there is a problem. Then again I dated a guy who seemed to think nothing of flirting and enjoying girls flirting with him when I WAS there, so... lol
I hope he is transparent. One tip I can give is turn the scenario around for him. I have found that many times the other person sees this stuff as no big deal. But when you say, "OK, let's say this was me. That you found the app on my phone, my top three people were men and one of whom I chatted with the most. On top of that I admit to flirty banter and suggesting we meet up for drinks when he is in town next. How would you like that?" For me, that has always worked to get them to see that they are being asses because when I would flip it around you better believe that they did not like the idea at all.
Good luck!
Right. I’m sure he’s so dense that he has no idea any of this is wrong.
not that they do not know it is wrong, but that for whatever reason, his reasons for doing it are somehow ok or not a big deal. But if it were her, there would be no question about it.
Post by kitkat1502 on Nov 26, 2017 16:47:28 GMT -5
Ack I'm sorry, I know that feeling of discovering something and having that awful feeling of deception.
So, in my experience the guilty person admits to a little bit of bad behavior but not the full scope, so what he says is "flirty" might be more than what you'd consider flirty.
If you have his phone my action would be to go through all his apps and folders and make sure there isn't anything else hidden...but I'd also be a bit paranoid based on my ExH behavior.
Post by thelurkylulu on Nov 26, 2017 20:46:48 GMT -5
Snapchat absolutely can be completely innocent. However, one of my friends discovered her husband was cheating and he was using snapchat to communicate with all the women he was sleeping with. I don't know what your husband is doing but I would have questions and would also be mad as hell that he admitted to sending flirty messages. I'm sorry you are going through this, especially when you're pregnant.
Shit,man. His follow-up is worse IMO. I was going to say that mmmmaybe I could let it slide with a come-to-jesus if by "flirty" he meant that some women were being flirty with him in a fairly innocuous "oh you are SO funny teehee and handsome too!" sort of way. He's talking about planning a date. That is crossing serious freaking boundaries in my book.
That will tell you if he uses it a lot or a little, although it won't give you an accounting of who he has sent/received things from, the total number of things is helpful in telling you how he uses it. A friend discovered her boyfriend cheating when his score kept going up by hundreds every day.
In addition, your "gold star" friend is someone who you send and receive things directly to/from, not just someone who looks at your stories.
It would be an awfully big coincidence for him and this woman happen to be each other's number one just by chance.
Understandable. At a minimum, moving forward, you should have access to all of his devices and social media accounts.
Yeah. I don't think he has any more social media accounts. The thing is, he's smart enough to cover his tracks so I don't know that that would tell me anything. In fact, maybe that should make me feel better because it was right out on the home screen. I know he deletes his browser history because he doesn't want me to see the porn he watches, which I don't really care about anyway.
When I logged in again, the gold star was gone. There were no numbers next to anyone's name. It does appear he doesn't use it much. He had about 15 friends, both men and women.
The specific comment he made was to a girl who lives in a state far away who was traveling on the opposite coast and had no plans to be here, or so he claims. It matches up with what I could see she posted in the group. They are not FB friends. I know that still doesn't make it okay. He's sticking to the story that he wouldn't have met up with her in person, and that it was never really an option.
Whether she had plans to be here or not is not relevant to the comment he made. She could of course travel to you or have a future trip that brought her your way. He's being defensive and saying whatever he hopes will make you feel better.
The question is why he would suggest it in the first place. If this is how he handles lack of intimacy or other marriage issues, it's a huge red flag. He will do it again. This isn't something that will just be all better once you get the right response from him on this instance. This is his way of dealing with things. It will happen again unless you guys get some help getting to the root of this.
I’m in the minority but if he is in a Facebook group with these people I wouldn’t really have an issue with Snapchat. Snapchat isn’t only for sending nude pictures. Some people enjoy the functions such as the filters and stuff.
You know your H. Only you know if he’s behaving odd. I wouldn’t have an issue with H having an account. I have one. I would find it odd that he didn’t tell me only because I’m on it and I would assume he would friend me.
Does he communicate with the women on Facebook as well? Do they communicate as frequently on Facebook?
No, I don't have any reason to think they communicate a lot on FB. My only concern was him saying the messages were flirty.
I asked him what specifically was flirty, and he just said that the only obvious one was a girl who was traveling for work. He told her that if she's ever in our area, they should meet up for a drink. He said he would never actually do it and only said it because he knew it would never happen.
I don't feel good that he suggested meeting in person, even though it would be unlikely to ever happen but my gut is telling me that he was just looking for an ego boost. I don't actually believe any cheating occurred, though obviously this was inappropriate.
Oh. I’m so sorry.
As others have mentioned, Snapchat can absolutely be innocent. I use it most frequently to chat with my siblings and college girlfriends. This bears repeating as I know the app had a reputation, esp when it was first released.
But I think there’s a reason you were immediately on alert when you found the app on his phone.
His story? I don’t buy it. I would want phone and credit card records to look for anything out of the ordinary. He violated your trust by asking another woman out, and it’s his job to help you rebuild that now.
I'm in the minority here but none of this would bother me. Unless you have a reason to suspect something is wrong, is just assume innocence.
I don't think most people use Snapchat for cheating - I think many just use it for the silly filters, etc. Maybe some Still do for cheating and nudes...but I wouldn't jump to that assumption.
Even the "meet up for a drink" sounds innocent enough. I have said that to both men and women I'm friends with that live far away and knowing it likely won't ever happen.
unless he's hiding having a family or seems to be complaining about his life/marriage, etc then I'd probably just assume these were innocent enough friendships and let it go.
I'm mostly with javalover on this. On one hand, I see no reason for a married man (or woman) to be using snapchat at all, but I'm generally anti social media so that could just be me. On the other hand, nothing you've described reeks of illicit affairs that some other posters seem to be implying. If something serious was going on here then I'd think you'd have more signs than just a snapchat account. He'd be behaving differently regarding texting, phone calls, and/or email. You're married to the dude - you'd know something was wrong in your gut and you haven't communicated that in any of your posts.
IDK how old he is, but if you're in a place of complacency in your marriage and things are bit stale on the romantic side (duh you're pregnant) then maybe he was getting a bit of an ego boost from the female attention and has no intention of anything serious ever specifically materializing. That said, if these sorts of situations are left to fester on long enough, the line of what one considers "inappropriate" tends to drift further and further upward and things can escalate, especially if the other party is an enabler and physical access is a possibility.
I echo the idea of having a rational discussion about it and addressing with him how he would feel if the situation was reversed and if he would consider it inappropriate if you were engaging in similar behavior, especially in the context of having a new child in a few months. Maybe a little polite smackdown is in order too "dude you got a kid on the way, I'm going to need you in this". As I said earlier, I personally don't see a need for a snapchat account as a married partner and they would be off-limits to both parties in my relationship, but that's just me.
One thing as well - I think a lot of porn sites have models now with snapchat content so he could also just be using it for that purpose. Especially if it's no-access time in the bedroom.
I'm mostly with javalover on this. On one hand, I see no reason for a married man (or woman) to be using snapchat at all, but I'm generally anti social media so that could just be me. On the other hand, nothing you've described reeks of illicit affairs that some other posters seem to be implying. If something serious was going on here then I'd think you'd have more signs than just a snapchat account. He'd be behaving differently regarding texting, phone calls, and/or email. You're married to the dude - you'd know something was wrong in your gut and you haven't communicated that in any of your posts.
IDK how old he is, but if you're in a place of complacency in your marriage and things are bit stale on the romantic side (duh you're pregnant) then maybe he was getting a bit of an ego boost from the female attention and has no intention of anything serious ever specifically materializing. That said, if these sorts of situations are left to fester on long enough, the line of what one considers "inappropriate" tends to drift further and further upward and things can escalate, especially if the other party is an enabler and physical access is a possibility.
I echo the idea of having a rational discussion about it and addressing with him how he would feel if the situation was reversed and if he would consider it inappropriate if you were engaging in similar behavior, especially in the context of having a new child in a few months. Maybe a little polite smackdown is in order too "dude you got a kid on the way, I'm going to need you in this". As I said earlier, I personally don't see a need for a snapchat account as a married partner and they would be off-limits to both parties in my relationship, but that's just me.
One thing as well - I think a lot of porn sites have models now with snapchat content so he could also just be using it for that purpose. Especially if it's no-access time in the bedroom.
This sounds a hell of a lot like men will be men excuse for the behavior and blaming Op for her husband's flirty secret snapchat.
Something like 88% of police officers are men, so I'd find it strange that so many people on his snapchat account, including the top three, were women. I'm not a very jealous or suspicious person, but the fact that he was communicating with several women, somewhat frequently, without telling me anything would definitely be a problem.
Actually behavior like this is common even though there are few women. I am nor going to share stories but yeah it can be bad. Yes there is support but lines quickly get crossed. OP I would not be surprised if there was more than texts and Snapchats. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
If something serious was going on here then I'd think you'd have more signs than just a snapchat account. He'd be behaving differently regarding texting, phone calls, and/or email. You're married to the dude - you'd know something was wrong in your gut and you haven't communicated that in any of your posts.
He wouldn't have to behave differently with texts, phone calls and email if he's using an app instead. One that keeps no history. People get blindsided, a person doesn't always know.
I don't use snapchat so maybe that's why it all seems suspicious to me. If I wanted to have private conversations with someone in a facebook group I would just message them through facebook. Since we're both already on there. But I don't worry about a message popping up on my desktop or on my phone because I wouldn't care if my husband saw it. If I downloaded an app, found them on there and started communicating there it's hard to think of a good reason for that other than my husband not knowing it existed. And about the icon being right there on the homescreen - my husband and I were both saying just yesterday that our icons seem to have a mind of their own and get moved without us doing it.
I think that he was just getting an ego boost from the attention and that while it was inappropriate, I really don't think there was any actual cheating. I think he was probably just being an internet creeper. However, I do think that left unchecked, it's the type of behavior that can lend itself to escalation and it definitely needs to stop.
At this point, I'm not ready to burn shit down over it. I've let him know how upset I am, I'm demanding access to his phone whenever I want, and I am going to try to work on our communication and improving our relationship, as is he. Overall, I had thought we were doing pretty well, despite being in a bit of a mundane rut (again, as life with a toddler, two full time jobs with opposite hours, financial stress and pregnancy tends to be). He says that he is very happy and will do whatever he has to in order to make me feel more comfortable. I don't really know what else to do at this point. Before he knew that I found the account, I did as much digging as I possibly could and found nothing to indicate that this is a larger problem than what I've relayed already. He had made no effort to hide the account on his phone, so I would think I would find something else somewhere if it were going on.
I'm mostly with javalover on this. On one hand, I see no reason for a married man (or woman) to be using snapchat at all, but I'm generally anti social media so that could just be me. On the other hand, nothing you've described reeks of illicit affairs that some other posters seem to be implying. If something serious was going on here then I'd think you'd have more signs than just a snapchat account. He'd be behaving differently regarding texting, phone calls, and/or email. You're married to the dude - you'd know something was wrong in your gut and you haven't communicated that in any of your posts.
IDK how old he is, but if you're in a place of complacency in your marriage and things are bit stale on the romantic side (duh you're pregnant) then maybe he was getting a bit of an ego boost from the female attention and has no intention of anything serious ever specifically materializing. That said, if these sorts of situations are left to fester on long enough, the line of what one considers "inappropriate" tends to drift further and further upward and things can escalate, especially if the other party is an enabler and physical access is a possibility.
I echo the idea of having a rational discussion about it and addressing with him how he would feel if the situation was reversed and if he would consider it inappropriate if you were engaging in similar behavior, especially in the context of having a new child in a few months. Maybe a little polite smackdown is in order too "dude you got a kid on the way, I'm going to need you in this". As I said earlier, I personally don't see a need for a snapchat account as a married partner and they would be off-limits to both parties in my relationship, but that's just me.
One thing as well - I think a lot of porn sites have models now with snapchat content so he could also just be using it for that purpose. Especially if it's no-access time in the bedroom.
This sounds a hell of a lot like men will be men excuse for the behavior and blaming Op for her husband's flirty secret snapchat.
Strange, I don't see where I was blaming the OP at all, I was just addressing what she specifically brought up in her OP.
Affairs typically start when one or more persons in the relationship aren't getting what they need - either emotionally (complacency) or physically (romantically). Not implying who might be right or wrong in this instance, it just "is".
As far as porn is concerned, yes, without access to regular sex men will step up in other areas, which these days typically involves random content on the internet. Feel free to point out where I stated it would be acceptable for him to go seek out a hypothetical affair to make up for an intimacy gap.
I think that he was just getting an ego boost from the attention and that while it was inappropriate, I really don't think there was any actual cheating. I think he was probably just being an internet creeper. However, I do think that left unchecked, it's the type of behavior that can lend itself to escalation and it definitely needs to stop.
At this point, I'm not ready to burn shit down over it. I've let him know how upset I am, I'm demanding access to his phone whenever I want, and I am going to try to work on our communication and improving our relationship, as is he. Overall, I had thought we were doing pretty well, despite being in a bit of a mundane rut (again, as life with a toddler, two full time jobs with opposite hours, financial stress and pregnancy tends to be). He says that he is very happy and will do whatever he has to in order to make me feel more comfortable. I don't really know what else to do at this point. Before he knew that I found the account, I did as much digging as I possibly could and found nothing to indicate that this is a larger problem than what I've relayed already. He had made no effort to hide the account on his phone, so I would think I would find something else somewhere if it were going on.
Excellent course of action, I'm glad you're in the place you are on this one. It seems to me like even if something more serious was going to materialize then you've addressed it early enough that minimal damage was done to the relationship (I call this "defending your marriage"). Hopefully he's had a very distinct wake-up call and gets back in line.
Depending on how you still feel about this, a few sessions of marriage counseling could be very beneficial. It doesn't have to be a big ordeal, just an hour a week for a couple weeks. It would help you to further communicate your concerns/feelings about the situation in the presence of an impartial third party. This can be especially helpful for him, since men aren't normally that great of communicators to begin with.
Post by mrsericnorthman on Nov 27, 2017 11:19:49 GMT -5
It sounds like you got this one in control.
If he needs an ego boost, he can stay on Snapchat but the meeting up with people for drinks should never ever happen. I've been in the same situation and I nipped it in the bud. I didn't give a shit if it was just for coffee. I was pretty pissed off.
my only question is how did he become friends with someone on snapchat from another state that he will most likely never meet that isn't even in the facebook group if the entire reason they were on snapchat is because it was a spinoff of their facebook group?
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I thought the OP said that she was in the FB group but that they weren’t FB friends.
my only question is how did he become friends with someone on snapchat from another state that he will most likely never meet that isn't even in the facebook group if the entire reason they were on snapchat is because it was a spinoff of their facebook group?
Sometimes the strangest stuff happens on the internet. I've experienced weirder shit than this...
If he needs an ego boost, he can stay on Snapchat but the meeting up with people for drinks should never ever happen. I've been in the same situation and I nipped it in the bud. I didn't give a shit if it was just for coffee. I was pretty pissed off.
Nope, he can't. Not one of the contacts in his Snapchat list was anyone that he knows in real life, outside of this FB group. Since he admitted he was being inappropriate on it, I see no reason for him to keep it. He's deleted it now and I prefer it stay that way.
my only question is how did he become friends with someone on snapchat from another state that he will most likely never meet that isn't even in the facebook group if the entire reason they were on snapchat is because it was a spinoff of their facebook group?
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I thought the OP said that she was in the FB group but that they weren’t FB friends.