I don't think having snapchat as a married person and not telling your spouse that odd, nor would him communicating with women from the FB group I knew about be particularly alarming.
The suspicious thing to me is that right when you saw the snapchat he decided then suddenly that now is the time to delete the app, his account AND leave the FB group.
I don't think having snapchat as a married person and not telling your spouse that odd, nor would him communicating with women from the FB group I knew about be particularly alarming.
The suspicious thing to me is that right when you saw the snapchat he decided then suddenly that now is the time to delete the app, his account AND leave the FB group.
Exactly. I have zero issue with H being on snapchat and he certainly didn't have to ask my permission to start an account lol.
My issue here is that this guy is clearly covering his tracks and seems expert level at hiding shit. And I don't buy that the "flirty" comments were one offhand remark about grabbing a drink.
Strange, I don't see where I was blaming the OP at all, I was just addressing what she specifically brought up in her OP.
Affairs typically start when one or more persons in the relationship aren't getting what they need - either emotionally (complacency) or physically (romantically). Not implying who might be right or wrong in this instance, it just "is".
As far as porn is concerned, yes, without access to regular sex men will step up in other areas, which these days typically involves random content on the internet. Feel free to point out where I stated it would be acceptable for him to go seek out a hypothetical affair to make up for an intimacy gap.
Are you saying this because you've seen data on the topic? Because I'm skeptical for the framing that all or even most affairs start because of these issues. I think that is how movies/tv frame it. A lot of folks have rough patches in their marriage that involve no cheating. And several folks on this board have talked about their spouse cheating regardless of actions to they took to resolve issues.
Articles like this support the idea that cheating isn't always about a rocky marriage.
If he needs an ego boost, he can stay on Snapchat but the meeting up with people for drinks should never ever happen. I've been in the same situation and I nipped it in the bud. I didn't give a shit if it was just for coffee. I was pretty pissed off.
Nope, he can't. Not one of the contacts in his Snapchat list was anyone that he knows in real life, outside of this FB group. Since he admitted he was being inappropriate on it, I see no reason for him to keep it. He's deleted it now and I prefer it stay that way.
Oh! For some reason, I thought he has his friends on there as well. I take it back, he needs to stay the hell out of Snapchat then.
This sounds a hell of a lot like men will be men excuse for the behavior and blaming Op for her husband's flirty secret snapchat.
Strange, I don't see where I was blaming the OP at all, I was just addressing what she specifically brought up in her OP.
Affairs typically start when one or more persons in the relationship aren't getting what they need - either emotionally (complacency) or physically (romantically). Not implying who might be right or wrong in this instance, it just "is".
As far as porn is concerned, yes, without access to regular sex men will step up in other areas, which these days typically involves random content on the internet. Feel free to point out where I stated it would be acceptable for him to go seek out a hypothetical affair to make up for an intimacy gap.
No. Affairs start because the person cheating is not capable of dealing with the things going on in their life. They may use the excuse that it is because they aren't getting what they need, but that puts the onus on the other person in the relationship.
I also take issue with the broad generalization that all men will look elsewhere (porn or otherwise) without "access to regular sex". wtf.
specialk, it sounds like things are under control and you're handling it well, but I would definitely reiterate and encourage you to stay alert of any weird behavior and keep communications wide open between you two. It might have been the kick that he needed to realize things were going too far and he needs to refocus on your relationship, or it might just make him go more into stealth mode. Unfortunately that does happen. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this all.
I don't think having snapchat as a married person and not telling your spouse that odd, nor would him communicating with women from the FB group I knew about be particularly alarming.
The suspicious thing to me is that right when you saw the snapchat he decided then suddenly that now is the time to delete the app, his account AND leave the FB group.
This, exactly.
People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing, and his immediate recourse upon discovery was to hide (by way of deleting everything). That's a red flag in my mind.
Strange, I don't see where I was blaming the OP at all, I was just addressing what she specifically brought up in her OP.
Affairs typically start when one or more persons in the relationship aren't getting what they need - either emotionally (complacency) or physically (romantically). Not implying who might be right or wrong in this instance, it just "is".
As far as porn is concerned, yes, without access to regular sex men will step up in other areas, which these days typically involves random content on the internet. Feel free to point out where I stated it would be acceptable for him to go seek out a hypothetical affair to make up for an intimacy gap.
Are you saying this because you've seen data on the topic? Because I'm skeptical for the framing that all or even most affairs start because of these issues. I think that is how movies/tv frame it. A lot of folks have rough patches in their marriage that involve no cheating. And several folks on this board have talked about their spouse cheating regardless of actions to they took to resolve issues.
Articles like this support the idea that cheating isn't always about a rocky marriage.
Well I did say "typically", not "always". Nor do I particularly disagree with anything in the Wapo article. And in fact, to quote the article:
"Not all affairs, as much as we would like to think of it like that, are symptoms of troubled marriages. And neither are they symptoms of troubled people. They are expressions of people seeking something."
Certainly a marriage doesn't have to be "rocky" (in the conventional sense that most people might imagine) for there to be an affair. One or more of the partners isn't getting what they need (i.e., is seeking something). It could be romance, validation, comfort, any multitude of reasons. Of course there are assholes out there who are destined to cheat no matter what, and try to rationalize their behavior one way or another...but I don't think that situation is particularly applicable to this thread - and my response is really a tangent anyway at this point, I'm not implying that the OP's husband was actually having an affair.
As for your question...yes I am knowledgeable on the subject.
Him deleting the app is one thing, but when you said he deleted his fb I immediately grew skeptical of his story. I feel like she would try to contact him through fb when she realizes he’s gone off Snapchat and what she has to say may not line up with what he’s told you.
He panicked and went overboard. I would feel like my H is hiding something more from me.
But I would for sure be cross referencing those names with FB profiles and messages.
Nothing in messages and they aren't showing up as FB friends.
Just another thing to check - you can add contacts to Snapchat via your phone contacts, not just FB. I know from experience that you can change a contact's name in SnapChat or your phone contacts list and the names on each list do not have to match, nor will the change in one program push a change in the other. I'd take a long look at the text records on each bill and see if there are any contacts that match and how far back those conversations go.
I don't think having snapchat as a married person and not telling your spouse that odd, nor would him communicating with women from the FB group I knew about be particularly alarming.
The suspicious thing to me is that right when you saw the snapchat he decided then suddenly that now is the time to delete the app, his account AND leave the FB group.
I think you summed it up perfectly. Him being in the FB group, having Snapchat, etc. isn't necessarily a problem.
But when he immediately deletes it, then says he can't remember the password, and he left the FB group right away--all of that would really be pinging my radar.
Nothing in messages and they aren't showing up as FB friends.
Just another thing to check - you can add contacts to Snapchat via your phone contacts, not just FB. I know from experience that you can change a contact's name in SnapChat or your phone contacts list and the names on each list do not have to match, nor will the change in one program push a change in the other. I'd take a long look at the text records on each bill and see if there are any contacts that match and how far back those conversations go.
I just checked phone and text records. Nothing suspicious.
I also take issue with the broad generalization that all men will look elsewhere (porn or otherwise) without "access to regular sex". wtf.
Interestingly enough men and women are the opposite in this behavior. The happier women are with their sex lives the more they tend to masturbate. The correlation is the opposite for men. Men with a lower frequency of intercourse and a lower rate of satisfaction in their sex lives tend to masturbate with a higher frequency (hence my comment about porn).
I don't think having snapchat as a married person and not telling your spouse that odd, nor would him communicating with women from the FB group I knew about be particularly alarming.
The suspicious thing to me is that right when you saw the snapchat he decided then suddenly that now is the time to delete the app, his account AND leave the FB group.
Agree 100%. DH has no social media. I have snapchat (as a MARRIED person!) and communicate with my friends and nieces and nephew. I am also a member of a Washington sports secret FB group where I am one of about three women. We talk sports and are all FB friends and I have met 4 of them in the last 10 years. So these two things would not bother me. DH also knows about both and knows the names of the people in the FB group.
It's just odd that he decided to delete everything. I'm sorry OP - I hope it was just liking the attention.
Interestingly enough men and women are the opposite in this behavior. The happier women are with their sex lives the more they tend to masturbate. The correlation is the opposite for men. Men with a lower frequency of intercourse and a lower rate of satisfaction in their sex lives tend to masturbate with a higher frequency (hence my comment about porn).
You seem to have a lot of mental space devoted to this subject lol.
Post by nicbreeful on Nov 27, 2017 18:49:23 GMT -5
He deleted everything because there was something to hide. People who are innocent don't or wouldn’t delete all their social media if there was nothing going on. He deleted everything because he didn’t have time to go through and delete individual messages and he panicked.
Interestingly enough men and women are the opposite in this behavior. The happier women are with their sex lives the more they tend to masturbate. The correlation is the opposite for men. Men with a lower frequency of intercourse and a lower rate of satisfaction in their sex lives tend to masturbate with a higher frequency (hence my comment about porn).
You seem to have a lot of mental space devoted to this subject lol.
LOL yes I have, a *significant* amount of mental space. Unfortunately I have been through almost this exact same experience so I have a somewhat unique perspective on the matter. Oh, you meant masturbation...yes I am also an expert in the mechanics of the male genitourinary system and makeup of sexual desire and release in men...also not by choice but through the joys of genes and bad luck.
He deleted FB only after I had gone through everything. There was nothing incriminating there- I checked before I brought anything up to him. He's since reactivated it since I told him that his FB didn't bother me.
Oh, you meant masturbation...yes I am also an expert in the mechanics of the male genitourinary system and makeup of sexual desire and release in men...also not by choice but through the joys of genes and bad luck.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
Post by W.T.Faulkner on Nov 27, 2017 19:54:09 GMT -5
I could have happily gone my entire life without reading the word “release” in the context of masturbation, used by a dude on an all-women forum, no less.
Post by W.T.Faulkner on Nov 27, 2017 20:37:10 GMT -5
I guess if we ever did have questions about jerking it, then a guy who spends an inordinate amount of time discussing his body/health/prostate on a forum for married women would be a good resident expert.