H had a secret Snapchat account

[specialk]

Last night, I asked DH if I could look something up on his phone because mine was dead. He gave it to me, and right on his home screen task bar was a Snapchat icon. I was surprised because I didn't know he had that app, so I opened it.

Obviously, I couldn't see what was being exchanged. There were both men and women listed, none of whom I knew, with the top three "best friends" being women. Full names and everything. One had a gold heart, which I've since looked up and it said it means that they have each sent each other more snaps than any other person.

I confronted him, and he said they are all members of this FB group I know he belongs to. It's for police officers, and he said people exchange things like funny memes, talk about news and politics, and share support. I've known about this group. He spends a lot of time on it. He said he rarely used the app and didn't think to mention it.

I told him I thought it was sketchy that he is on an app where the whole point is that the messages disappear, and he never told me. He eventually admitted that some of the messages were "flirty" but that it was never nudes or anything like that. He later tried to backpedal and said it was just small talk. I wasn't having it.

He deleted the app and his FB because he said he was spending too much time on his phone. I had looked through them and not seen anything suspicious, but he could have already deleted anything. He said he had no contact with anyone in the group outside of FB or Snapchat.

We have had a lack of intimacy lately, but I'm 7 months pregnant with a three year old and we work opposite shifts. Yes, I'm tired. I don't really know what to think or feel at this point. I'm not sure how bad this really is.

[sugarbear]

I'm so sorry.
The app itself doesn't bother me-- I have snapchat and only speak to one (male, if it matters) college friend on it. H doesn't know, but only because we don't pay attention to what's on each other's phones.

It's the flirting that would bug me, not the app. Is there a way to order a transcript of the conversations? I mean, I know how snapchat works but not if the company keeps all the exchanges. I am, admittedly, a tech newb.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Ugh, I’m sorry. I’d feel this way too.

Lots of people use Snapchat like they do any other social media platform, myself included. However, the fact that he said the messages were “flirty” make me think that he’s trying to minimize what was actually going on.

[sugarbear]

Nov 26, 2017 10:21:55 GMT -5 W.T.Faulkner said:

Ugh, I’m sorry. I’d feel this way too.

Lots of people use Snapchat like they do any other social media platform, myself included. However, the fact that he said the messages were “flirty” make me think that he’s trying to minimize what was actually going on.

I hate to say this, but I feel like if we've learned anything on ML, it's that "flirty" actually means "naked pics." 

Do you feel like he's giving you the whole story? Have you ever had reason to doubt him?

[specialk]

I don't really have any other reason to doubt him, no. I think what I'm more worried about is an emotional affair of some kind.

[sugarbear]

Nov 26, 2017 10:29:23 GMT -5 specialk said:

I don't really have any other reason to doubt him, no. I think what I'm more worried about is an emotional affair of some kind.

Understandable.
At a minimum, moving forward, you should have access to all of his devices and social media accounts.

[specialk]

Nov 26, 2017 10:34:49 GMT -5 sugarbear said:

Nov 26, 2017 10:29:23 GMT -5 specialk said:

I don't really have any other reason to doubt him, no. I think what I'm more worried about is an emotional affair of some kind.

Understandable.
At a minimum, moving forward, you should have access to all of his devices and social media accounts.

Yeah. I don't think he has any more social media accounts. The thing is, he's smart enough to cover his tracks so I don't know that that would tell me anything. In fact, maybe that should make me feel better because it was right out on the home screen. I know he deletes his browser history because he doesn't want me to see the porn he watches, which I don't really care about anyway.

[smock]

Something like 88% of police officers are men, so I'd find it strange that so many people on his snapchat account, including the top three, were women. I'm not a very jealous or suspicious person, but the fact that he was communicating with several women, somewhat frequently, without telling me anything would definitely be a problem.

[bugandbibs]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. This would make me extremely uncomfortable to say the least. Please be gentle with yourself. Any choices he has made are because of HIM, not YOU.

[jlt19]

I'm so sorry. I definitely wouldbe feeling like you are that there's something more. Only because there usually is. Can you look at phone records to see if there's any numbers he's texting often?

[specialk]

Nov 26, 2017 11:11:38 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

I'm so sorry. I definitely wouldbe feeling like you are that there's something more. Only because there usually is. Can you look at phone records to see if there's any numbers he's texting often?

I looked, no texts. Again, they could have been deleted but I have nothing to go on other than the Snapchat.

Eta Oh, phone records not just the texts. I could ask him for that, he's the account holder.

[specialk]

Nov 26, 2017 12:05:02 GMT -5 Stan said:

Did you try scrolling up in the message threads? You can save messages, but you have to scroll up and let them load.

No, I had no clue how to use the app and now it's gone.

[cabbagecabbage]

I’ll say that this is red flag territory but may be something to work through. The big indicators will be how he acts going forward. I’d want to have some discussions about this: who are these people, what did they share, so I have total access to his phone, etc. I can imagine someone, myself included, getting sucked into a group if my home life was stagnant or tough. That said, I don’t know Snapchat and any level of “trickle truth” where new details are leaked out would turn this into a BIG deal.

[readyin07]

If he is in the Facebook group then why is the snap chat necessary? None of this would really concern me to be honest UNTIL she said that some of the messages were flirty. How did that admission come about? Flirty how so? If you have to have the conversation that it “wasn’t nudes”...that I don’t like.

[specialk]

Nov 26, 2017 12:33:09 GMT -5 readyin07 said:

If he is in the Facebook group then why is the snap chat necessary? None of this would really concern me to be honest UNTIL she said that some of the messages were flirty. How did that admission come about? Flirty how so? If you have to have the conversation that it “wasn’t nudes”...that I don’t like.

I don't know. He did show me the post on the FB group where it was suggested to start the Snapchat. I directly asked him if any of the messages exchanged were inappropriate, and he said some were flirty. I then asked about naked pictures, since I know a lot of people use it for that. He hasn't given any specific examples of what the flirty convos were, and said it was mainly just small talk.

[specialk]

Nov 26, 2017 12:55:00 GMT -5 Stan said:

Nov 26, 2017 12:13:06 GMT -5 specialk said:

No, I had no clue how to use the app and now it's gone.

Did you watch him delete the account or just the app?

It was the account, I saw the email confirmation of the deletion.

[jenny1980]

Nov 26, 2017 12:58:46 GMT -5 specialk said:

Nov 26, 2017 12:55:00 GMT -5 Stan said:

Did you watch him delete the account or just the app?

It was the account, I saw the email confirmation of the deletion.

Shoot! Because you can see your complete posting/message history in your own account. 

[jenny1980]

Oh and if he confessed to the messages being "flirty" I'd be pretty fucking pissed. Because you know he is 100% minimizing it.

Make him give you concrete examples of what "flirty" means.

[specialk]

Nov 26, 2017 13:13:21 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Oh and if he confessed to the messages being "flirty" I'd be pretty fucking pissed. Because you know he is 100% minimizing it.

Make him give you concrete examples of what "flirty" means.

I just read that if he logs in again within 30 days, he can access his account again. Conveniently, he can no longer remember his password and said he isn't sure if he can reset it.

While I work on getting it active again, how do I view his history?

[cabbagecabbage]

Nov 26, 2017 13:39:16 GMT -5 specialk said:

Nov 26, 2017 13:13:21 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Oh and if he confessed to the messages being "flirty" I'd be pretty fucking pissed. Because you know he is 100% minimizing it.

Make him give you concrete examples of what "flirty" means.

I just read that if he logs in again within 30 days, he can access his account again. Conveniently, he can no longer remember his password and said he isn't sure if he can reset it.

While I work on getting it active again, how do I view his history?

That’s a huge F*ing lie that he can’t remember his password. I wouldn’t believe that for a second.

[specialk]

Ok, I'm in. What do I do? I feel like I'm 90

[TR]

Nov 26, 2017 13:41:26 GMT -5 cabbagecabbage said:

Nov 26, 2017 13:39:16 GMT -5 specialk said:

I just read that if he logs in again within 30 days, he can access his account again. Conveniently, he can no longer remember his password and said he isn't sure if he can reset it.

While I work on getting it active again, how do I view his history?

That’s a huge F*ing lie that he can’t remember his password. I wouldn’t believe that for a second.

That’s the only part I actually would believe, lol. If I don’t have to log in to something every time I’ll never remember the password. Things like IG and Snapchat that I only access via phone app, I have no idea what the pw is.

[specialk]

I swiped left and it says chats but it's just loading forever. Nothing is actually showing up.

[TR]

Nov 26, 2017 13:44:12 GMT -5 Stan said:

Nov 26, 2017 13:41:42 GMT -5 specialk said:

Ok, I'm in. What do I do? I feel like I'm 90

Go to his messages and scroll up in all of them. See if something is saved.

This doesn’t do anything in any of my chats.

[TR]

But I would for sure be cross referencing those names with FB profiles and messages.

[specialk]

Nov 26, 2017 13:44:12 GMT -5 Stan said:

Nov 26, 2017 13:41:42 GMT -5 specialk said:

Ok, I'm in. What do I do? I feel like I'm 90

Go to his messages and scroll up in all of them. See if something is saved.

It just says " you don't have any snaps" does that mean he didn't save any?

[TR]

Nov 26, 2017 13:45:41 GMT -5 Stan said:

Nov 26, 2017 13:45:18 GMT -5 TR said:

This doesn’t do anything in any of my chats.

Because you haven’t saved anything

Oh. Well I doubt he saved anything.

[TR]

Nov 26, 2017 13:45:49 GMT -5 specialk said:

Nov 26, 2017 13:44:12 GMT -5 Stan said:

Go to his messages and scroll up in all of them. See if something is saved.

It just says " you don't have any snaps" does that mean he didn't save any?

Start a chat with one of his top people. Just say something like “hey” and see what happens.

[specialk]

Nov 26, 2017 13:45:46 GMT -5 TR said:

But I would for sure be cross referencing those names with FB profiles and messages.

Nothing in messages and they aren't showing up as FB friends.

[TR]

Nov 26, 2017 13:48:30 GMT -5 Stan said:

Nov 26, 2017 13:46:11 GMT -5 TR said:

Oh. Well I doubt he saved anything.

The other person can save too

Ohhhhhh