I just want to add one more voice of support. This decision is yours and yours alone. You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to. If having an abortion is the right decision for you, then it is the right decision. Nobody can take that away from you and I want you to know that I fully support you in that choice.
Post by sapphireblue on Sept 16, 2018 18:35:55 GMT -5
I am so sorry this is such a stressful time for you.
It sounds to me like you know deep down what you want to do.
I will be thinking of you--things will get much better. During my divorce things were stressful/hard but ultimately I came out of the other side and am happier not being married to someone who was such a lousy husband. I believe you will be too!
I’m sorry you’re going through this, Leviosa. It is a lot. You’ve gotten so much good advice, and everyone is right: this is your decision alone. Nobody else has any idea what it’s like to live your life. Nobody else has any right to say what the right thing is but you.
Also, please don’t feel badly about divorcing twice. My BFF is also going through her second divorce, and she’s a total badass, awesome human being. First of all, her marriages do NOT define her. She’s an artist, loves her work, has happy kids, runs marathons, yada yada. There is so much more to her, and you, than the status of her/your relationship with a man. Second, she made the right decision for herself, which we, as women, are not always encouraged to do. Third, life is a long road. Things happen that we can and can’t control, and you certainly didn’t ask your STBX to be a jerk. Getting through this difficult time will help you learn more about yourself and about life. Be kind to yourself and let go of the expectation that you have to do certain things to be successful. You just have to be true to yourself, and it sounds like you’re doing that.
Post by orangello on Sept 16, 2018 19:29:45 GMT -5
leviosa , I’ve had to make a remotely similar choice, and I don’t regret it at all. Please, just do what’s right for you, and do not involve STBXH. This is 100% your decision. You are strong and can do this, and please know that we are here for you. I am sending you all my best wishes, hugs, etc. Take care of yourself!
Post by mrs.jacinthe on Sept 16, 2018 19:41:17 GMT -5
Many hugs to you. Do what is right for YOU, at this time in your life, in this situation and don't listen to what anyone else wants you to do. You are a strong person and you've got this, no matter what you decide.
Post by lucybrown on Sept 16, 2018 19:42:00 GMT -5
I don’t have anything to say that hasn’t already been said. I just wanted to offer you support and comfort. Your body, your choice. You do not owe anyone an explanation. Sending lots of hugs.
Post by readyin07 on Sept 16, 2018 19:42:38 GMT -5
Just sending you so much support in YOUR decision. Whatever you decide is right for you is right for you. It is 100% ok to want another baby, but not want one at this moment with this person. Of course it is. It is also ok to decide you want this baby and figure it out (I would suggest talking to a lawyer about what this would mean for your divorce). Please talk with a therapist if you think that will be helpful. We are here for you to vent, discuss, whatever.
Post by thejen626 on Sept 16, 2018 20:02:14 GMT -5
I am sorry that you find yourself in this position. I had an abortion and it was 100% the right choice for me, and I’ve never regretted it. Honestly, the older I get, the more I know it was the best decision for me.
Do you need help with the cost? Because I would be happy to venmo or PayPal some cash to you.
I don't have a lot of time to write right now, but something very similar happened to me 5 years ago. I chose abortion and I have absolutely no regrets (I wish I had never gotten pregnant, but none about how I handled it). My life would be so vastly different if I had had a baby.
I don't recommend telling your H. I told my ex and he used it to try to manipulate me, hard. It made things much more difficult than they needed to be.
I'm happy to chat more via PM if you have questions or need support. It was a tough time but for me , not a tough choice. I think whatever you choose will be right for you.
Hugs. One day at a time... you don’t have to tell him.
There are 15 and 12 year age gaps between the children of my first marriage and my youngest child. You aren’t shutting a door. If the timing isn’t right, it’s not right. That’s okay.
Be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Life is far too short to be unhappily married, and I think that once this chapter is over, you will be on to great things.
Post by ellipses84 on Sept 16, 2018 20:41:09 GMT -5
I wanted to add my support and let you know that you are making a really tough decision, but ultimately you need to be confident that it is the best decision for yourself and family right now. It is completely your decision and I don’t think there is any reason to tell your ex - it seems there are lots of reasons not to. I’m sorry your sister is making you feel guilty but I’m sure she doesn’t understand how things work and that any decision besides this one would have to involve your ex and have long term impacts for all of you. Sometimes life doesn’t go the way we plan it and it may be hard to see right now, but you will get through this phase of your life and get to a better one. You are a really strong person.
Post by formerlyak on Sept 16, 2018 20:51:07 GMT -5
My situation is a little different, but ex and I were trying to get pregnant when I found out he had a girlfriend. I had a miscarriage a month before, the other woman was calling his phone as we were in the hospital having tests. A few weeks later I confirmed the affair. He denied denied denied and claimed to want to work on things. We weren’t using birth control and that October, had sex while I was ovulating. The next night he came home and told me he was leaving. I was so scared - not about the divorce but about the idea of being pregnant and having two kids alone. I took the morning after pill. I did not get pregnant. Taking that pill was so emotional for me because I knew I wanted a second, but not this way. I have zero regrets for taking the morning after pill. None. It wasn’t the time to bring a new life to my family. It wouldn’t be fair to the baby and it wouldn’t be fair to my then 3 year old.
And if you do choose the abortion and do want another in the future, you have one then. When you are ready. Either you do it alone with a donor, you adopt, or you have a child with a future partner. I had that discussion with my parents when I was divorcing and they were so supportive. The following year I met my DH and we now have a four year old. So there’s a bigger age gap between my kids than I’d hoped, but there are definite pluses to that! All that to say, embrace your decision - whatever it may be - and know it doesn’t take another child off the table.
Leviosa, you have so much support here, and I'll add that you need to make the best choice for YOU. Terminating is your choice and your right. Don't let anyone else influence you or pressure you.
I'm in Philadelphia, and if I can help in any way, please don't hesitate to PM.
Post by Miss Phryne Fisher on Sept 16, 2018 21:07:29 GMT -5
Best of luck to you. Unless you choose to keep it, you should not tell your STBX anything at all. I would avoid your sister for the time being if she is trying to push you to a crisis pregnancy center. I live in a very liberal hippie area and the damned crisis pregnancy center (catty-corner from PP) had a giant sign out front that says "your body your choice" on it. They. Lie. That is not their mission... and they suck people in like that.
Post by cabbagecabbage on Sept 16, 2018 21:08:03 GMT -5
I send the biggest creepy stranger hugs to you for support and clarity. No matter what you choose, you don’t owe an explanation to him or your sister. If you feel like telling her it was a false alarm or an early miscarriage or anything, do what makes life easier for you. If you keep the pregnancy, same thing. It’s not their business and nobody is owed a justification for your life.
Post by notsocreepylurker on Sept 16, 2018 21:40:48 GMT -5
I didn't want to read and no respond. Your body - your choice. I will support your decision. If you're in Houston or within a days drive I am more than willing to help transport or just hold a hand.
I'll probably get flamed. But you said you have always wanted one more. This is a chance for a biological sibling for your kids. The only chance you will ever have. This could be the light in the tunnel of what you are going through right now. Also, at 15 weeks...that's pretty far along for me.
It doesn't remotely mean you have to stay with STBXH.
Raising a newborn while having chronic pain, divorcing, and having split custody is “the light at the end of the tunnel”.
Fuck. You.
Have fun being lit on much deserved fire.
Right?! I am not about add anecdotes because this isn't about me, but that shit is fucking laughable.
Post by FastHands on Sept 16, 2018 23:36:34 GMT -5
OP, you have gotten (mostly) excellent advice and support.
I wanted just to mention that you should focus on your incredible strength and courage to *leave* twice. You can't blame yourself for ending up in a position that warrants leaving, but you can and should be proud of yourself for doing the leaving!
Post by wednesdaye on Sept 17, 2018 0:39:23 GMT -5
I don’t post often, but I am commenting because, I really want to have a child, more than I can describe. But, if I was in, your position? I would honestly be pursuing a similar option , so I understand it from both sides. I wanted to give you that first part because of the Christian center mention. You owe nothing to no one(including your STBXH). You are doing what you know is right for yourself and your children. You are preserving through a really hard time in your life. You are awesome.
I have nothing more to add other than another voice of support. The only person who matters in this situation is you, so please don't feel obligated to anyone else. Big hugs, and we're here for you.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I echo most posters: whatever you decide it's 100% your decision and you don't owe anyone anything, including STBXH.
I would not go to a Christian center, they will only try to convince you not to abort. Go to planned parenthood, they will take you through options IF you want to discuss things.
I would not go to the Christian center either. They are going to try to convince you to have the baby and/or give it up for adoption. I am going to make a wild guess that adoption is not a real option for you (since you want another and your STBX will likely not want to give up a child either). I think the only reason to visit someone to talk about your options would be if you are truly not sure if you want to have an abortion. In that case, I'd try to get an appointment with a non-religious counselor because they will be more likely to lead the conversation in an unbiased way. A Christian center, in general, is never going to be supportive of abortion (even if many Christians are supportive as individuals, a center's main purpose is to try to support a pro-life stance).
There is no legal or medical requirement that you tell your STBX, and if he somehow found out there is nothing he can do legally to stop you. It's your body, your choice, period. I still recommend not telling him just because that will simplify things for you.
Good luck. It's not an easy time for you, but you'll get through it and I'm sure you'll end up in a better spot.
Post by Velar Fricative on Sept 17, 2018 9:42:17 GMT -5
You've gotten some great advice that I agree with, but I will chime in and add that your feelings don't mean you have to turn in your pro-choice card. Supporting the freedom of choice doesn't make decisions such as yours and the decisions many other women make any less difficult. I support whatever decision you feel is best for you.
I would go to planned parenthood and not tell your STBX. I think that is the best choice for your health and well being in this situation. That said I'm also opposite everyone else and I'm normally pro-life (don't flame me!) but having been through a horrible divorce and having horrible co-parenting issues with my X I would have done the EXACT same thing if I was in your situation. And what if your ex is manipulative and says he is fine with adoption and then changes his mind. It is for the best he doesn't know about this, trust me
I would go to planned parenthood and not tell your STBX. I think that is the best choice for your health and well being in this situation. That said I'm also opposite everyone else and I'm normally pro-life (don't flame me!) but having been through a horrible divorce and having horrible co-parenting issues with my X I would have done the EXACT same thing if I was in your situation. And what if your ex is manipulative and says he is fine with adoption and then changes his mind. It is for the best he doesn't know about this, trust me
If you realize that you would have made the choice to have an abortion and you think other women should have that choice, even if in 99% of cases you would not choose to have an abortion for yourself, then you are pro-choice, not pro-life.
I would go to planned parenthood and not tell your STBX. I think that is the best choice for your health and well being in this situation. That said I'm also opposite everyone else and I'm normally pro-life (don't flame me!) but having been through a horrible divorce and having horrible co-parenting issues with my X I would have done the EXACT same thing if I was in your situation. And what if your ex is manipulative and says he is fine with adoption and then changes his mind. It is for the best he doesn't know about this, trust me
If you realize that you would have made the choice to have an abortion and you think other women should have that choice, even if in 99% of cases you would not choose to have an abortion for yourself, then you are pro-choice, not pro-life.
I said "normally" pro-life....I think in certain circumstances abortion is right. The only reason I put that on my reply is because I know everyone else on here is more on the pro choice side of the spectrum and I wanted the OP to know that someone from the opposite end of the spectrum is supporting her in whatever decision she makes and what decision I would have made had I been in that situation.