Vent and advice...*possible trigger*

[leviosa]

My H and I are getting divorced. He’s been a total asshole the last...really long time...but it’s been significantly worse the last few months. I feel like such a terrible failure. How did I fall for the nice guy charm of a complete asshole two different times? I tried to suffer through for too long, solely because I couldn’t believe I would do it twice. I kept making excuses for his dickhead behavior. But came to a realization that I was just hurting myself, and my kids by trying to keep it going.

I have been really really down lately. This. Plus I’ve had some chronic pain and fatigue. I’m super depressed about everything.

Guys. I’m fucking pregnant. I had an appointment a week and a half ago and they did some blood work and made me take a pregnancy test ‘just in case’, and it was fucking positive.

I had an ultrasound and I’m measuring about 15 weeks. I’ve always wanted one more. But I don’t think I can do this. I don’t have a diagnosis for my pain, I’m in this divorce process, I don’t have a job right now. It’s okay that I might want one more someday, but not this one? I’m feeling so conflicted and broken.

My sister says I should tell STBX. I don’t have to right? It’s all my choice? She’s also trying to send me to a Christian pregnancy clinic for ‘options’. I know they are ridiculous, but she’s making me feel guilty that I’m not considering any other option besides abortion.

I need advice. Please.

[jlt19]

Oh wow, I'm so sorry.

I don't know timelines, but can you still get an abortion near you?

If that's the route you go, I wouldn't tell STBX. Unless adoption is an option, do NOT go to a christian center. If it is an option, then yes, STBX needs to be involved.

Again, I'm so sorry.

[katb]

Legally, I'm pretty sure you don't have to tell anyone - let alone STBXH. If you can't do it right now, then that's okay. Consider what you want to do and what your picture of the future looks like for you and your kids. This is a decision that is very personal and while we can't tell you what to do, I am sure you will have support on this board no matter what you choose.

[sunnysally]

Don't listen to your sister. It is all your choice. It is ok to want another child but not this one. Do what is best for you and your family.

[mcmel]

You are so so strong to be able to leave. The times that I’ve wanted to leave I haven’t had the strength and it makes me so mad at myself. Thank you for showing your kids that no one has to endure someone else’s meanness. I sometimes wish my parents would have divorced a long time ago because they can just be so hurtful to each other. I think they would have both lived better lives.

As for the pregnancy, it’s okay to end it. There is nothing wrong with an abortion if that’s what you want. You don’t have to tell him. It’s not his decision or his body. If you want to tell him then you can, but you are not obligated. Also, stop talking about it with your sister. She’s only going to guilt you and unless she wants to step up to the plate by paying bills, babysitting every day, driving to and from school, etc then she can shut it. If you want to continue the pregnancy that’s okay too. Do what you WANT to do.

[mskitkat]

*hugs* Definitely don’t go to a Christian pregnancy center. You can consider ALL options in a guilt-free zone. It’s okay for this to be not the right time. You need to focus on you. Whatever choice you make will be the right one.

[VillainV]

I’m sorry to hear about your divorce. This definitely seems like a lot to process. you have a Planned Parenthood near you? They would be my first stop.

You have all of our support, no matter what you decide to do.

[Deleted]

As far as I’m concerned, this is 100% your choice. Do what YOU feel is best, not what’s best for anyone else.

I also strongly suggest you talk to a therapist. You have a lot going on, and I think a therapist can help you with all these things you’re going through.

[penguingrrl]

I’m so sorry. This is a very personal decision, and you need to disregard your sister’s opinion on it. Your STBX has no right to know about this. It’s a decision you need to make without interference, especially giventhe circumstances.

We’re all here for you and will support you in whatever decision you decide is best for you. There is no shame and no wrong choice, it’s just figuring out the right choice for you.

[pantsparty]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is your choice, you do not need to tell STBX. I would go to a Planned Parenthood and talk through the options.

[devonpow]

I’m so sorry for everything you have been going through.

If you can’t do this or don’t want to do it you don’t have to. It’s your body and you have a choice. It’s not an easy decision but luckily and legally it is yours and yours alone. You don’t need to tell anyone if you don’t want to. You want an abortion? Go to your dr and eff everyone else’s opinions. You decide you want to keep the baby even if you are going through a divorce etc? Go ahead and eff everyone else’s opinions.

If you are 15 weeks you do need to make your choice fairly soon - i don’t know where you live but generally after the first trimester some states make it much more difficult.

Be kind to yourself.

[themoneytree]

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this position - I can only imagine how difficult this is.
If you want to end it that’s ok but you’ll probably need to move relatively quickly. Call and make appointments tomorrow morning - it can take longer than you think and you can always cancel if you decide to.

Can you trust your sister not to tell your husband? I hate that she’s trying to push you to a Christian Center - remember to take advice lightly from those who dont have to live with the consequences.

Big hugs. I’m so sorry.

[wambam]

I’ll echo everyone: what you choose to do about the pregnancy is entirely your choice. You do not have to tell your STBX. Absolutely do NOT go to a Christian pregnancy place. They will blatantly lie to you to guilt you into making the choice they want you to make.

I’m so sorry.

[tripleshot]

I’m so sorry. IMO, you don’t have to tell him. Go to a Planned Parenthood asap to discuss your options and timing. This is 100% your choice. Please don’t listen to your sister and I’d probably stop talking to her about it since she’s not supportive. ETA-Do not under any circumstances go to a crisis preganancy center or Christian one. They will guilt you and flat out lie so that you don’t think you have any options other than to keep the pregnancy. 

[winecat]

Ditto everyone else. It's your body, your choice. It seems like there are so many people from CO on these boards. If you live here too, I am able to help you any way you might need; rides, meals, childcare, etc., so you can have the time and space to take care of yourself.

[icedcoffee]

Huge hugs. Whatever you decide will be the right decision. I’m sorry things are so hard right now.

[livinitup]

I think your situation is at the heart of the abortion debate - can a women chose the best time for herself to carry a pregnancy to term? Or can’t she? Does she have to consult any one else but her doctor and medical team? Can she choose to terminate for any reason? Does anyone other than her doctor have to know?

I am so sorry that you are in this position. If you think it is possible that your STBX could be supportive in having a conversation about what to do, then you could consider it. Would he share parenting of a newborn? Bring financial resources above what he expected with a third child? Would he ask for an abortion? Pressure you either way? Hold it against you in the future? If your sister’s advice is just some sort of “tell him because it’s his sperm” to pressure or force you to follow-though with the pregnancy, then don’t do it. You can and should make this decision based on your own agenda, no one else’s.

[Deleted]

I am so sorry you find yourself in a difficult situation.

It is absolutely 100 percent OK to terminate this pregnancy, and it is absolutely 100 percent OK to want another child in the future even if now is not the right time for you. It is also 100 percent OK to proceed with the pregnancy. You do not need a Christian pregnancy center to discuss your “options” because I’m pretty sure you know what your options are. And no, you are not obligated to tell your STBX if you choose to terminate.

This is your choice. You have to do what is right for you. We will support you no matter what choice you make..

[Deleted]

Also, I just re-read and saw you said you’re not considering any option other than abortion. I think that’s your answer. You know what is best for you. You know what you can handle emotionally, plyshically, and financially right now. Trust yourself to do what is right for you.

[cmeon]

Of course it's okay to not want a particular pregnancy at a particular time or with a particular person- even if you want more children, even if you want more children very much.

I'm so sorry you're in such a difficult place right now, and that you don't have support from your sister- but, I don't think telling your STBX would help, and I definitely would recommend against pregnancy "crisis" centers. Be gentle with yourself- getting you and your children out from under an unhappy marriage is a win, not a failure.

[pandorica]

Everyone has said it already, but you don't need to tell STBXH, and do not go to the Christian pregnancy center. They will just guilt you and give you false information.

It is 100% ok to end this pregnancy if that is what you want to do. I would suggest you go to your doctor or Planned Parenthood if you want to discuss your options.

[Shreddingbetty]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I would definitely get into see a therapist ASAP (not because of the pregnancy but just in general). I’m currently going through a divorçe myself (also second one). He is a recovering alcoholic and about 2 years clean but too much damage was done to the relationship for me in order to recover from the years I had to deal with his addiction. It took me a long time to be ok with not wanting to be with him even though he is clean now and has been doing well, and to be honest with myself that I just don’t love him anymore, i have a very codependent personality (which is why I ended up with the 2 husbands I did) and if I had not had a good counselor chances are pretty good I would’ve ended up just sucking it up and dealing with it because « it isn’t that bad compared to other people ». As it is it took me at least a year to even think about accepting how I felt. I think having a counselor will help you. A lot of your pain and fatigue may also be very much related to being depressed because of the situation you are and have been in. Maybe not the sole cause but certainly not helpful either).
As far as the pregnancy I think you need to do what YOU feel is best for you at this point. Unfortunately you don’t have much time to ponder it since you are probably at the cusp of not being able to do it anymore. It doesn’t sound like you are in a good place right now and having another baby will not help that. It probably isn’t fair to the baby either. Only you can make the decision but I would try and not listen to everyone’s advice around you (anyone that is making you feel guilty about not wanting to keep the pregnancy anyway). They’re not the ones having to raise the baby. And I think you know a Christian pregnancy center is going to do their best to make you go any direction but abortion so I’d avoid that. It s a tough decision but it is yours to make and no one else’s.

[nicolewi]

I'll probably get flamed. But you said you have always wanted one more. This is a chance for a biological sibling for your kids. The only chance you will ever have. This could be the light in the tunnel of what you are going through right now. Also, at 15 weeks...that's pretty far along for me.

It doesn't remotely mean you have to stay with STBXH.

[cari]

I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this and I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make. The decision is yours and if you don’t want to tell SBXH, don’t tell him. Hugs.

[TR]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You can 100% want another someday, but not be ready now. That is legitimate and totally understandable. I wouldn’t tell your STBX. Lots of hugs.

[bronxgirl]

Sept 16, 2018 13:39:11 GMT -5 nicolewi said:

I'll probably get flamed. But you said you have always wanted one more. This is a chance for a biological sibling for your kids. The only chance you will ever have. This could be the light in the tunnel of what you are going through right now. Also, at 15 weeks...that's pretty far along for me.

It doesn't remotely mean you have to stay with STBXH.

That would only be relevant if you were the one who is pregnant.  As long as OP is okay with it, that's all that matters.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, leviosa. You have no one to answer to, but yourself.  If ending this pregnancy seems like the right thing to do, than go with that.  You don't owe anybody anything.

[melmel48]

I am sorry you are struggling. You definitely do not need to tell him. It is your body; you do what is right for you. I agree with the others to stop talking about this with your sister; she isn't providing the support you need even if she means well.

[winecat]

Sept 16, 2018 13:39:11 GMT -5 nicolewi said:

I'll probably get flamed. 

It doesn't fucking matter what your thoughts are.  That's the beauty of bodily autonomy and the concept of your body, your choice.  This is the kind of shit you keep to yourself because it doesn't matter at all.  

[suzyp]

Sept 16, 2018 13:39:11 GMT -5 nicolewi said:

I'll probably get flamed. But you said you have always wanted one more. This is a chance for a biological sibling for your kids. The only chance you will ever have. This could be the light in the tunnel of what you are going through right now. Also, at 15 weeks...that's pretty far along for me.

It doesn't remotely mean you have to stay with STBXH.

STFU seriously.  this is so fucking unhelpful.  No one is going to make you have an abortion at 15 weeks, so no need to worry about that.

leviosa,  DO NOT go to a Crisis Pregnancy Center - they lie to you and their sole purpose is to talk you out of having an abortion.  It seems like you made your decision.  Do it  and don't feel guilty and don't tell your STBXH.  You do need to make a decision sooner rather than later because legally it can get much harder to do.

And hugs to you.

[pugz]

Sending you nothing but support. We will be here to support you. I’m sorry things are so difficult right now.