I'm so sorry. I am just about 6 months from when my STBX told me he wanted a divorce. I was surprised at the time, but hindsight has allowed me to see that things weren't good for a really long time (also about 2 years).
We don't have kids, but we do own multiple assets together. I did consult an attorney pretty much immediately (NY state has a referral service that allows people to consult an attorney for only $35 - you can find out if something like this exists in your state). I was able to learn about how assets should be divided that we had forgotten about - namely retirement accounts - and my options for alimony. (Full disclosure, I opted not to pursue this and just took some extra cash for moving expenses since I wouldn't be eligible for even a full year of alimony based on the length of our marriage.) We opted to go through mediation and agreed before we even met with the mediator how to split everything. It was super amicable, even though I was heartbroken. However, like your H, therapy wasn't an option. He was done and it would have given me false hope for sure.
I am not a therapy person myself, but I did use talkspace for a month. It was really nice to be able to just type out how I was feeling when something happened, even if the therapist didn't answer until the next day.
Take things one day a time. Don't feel like you have to feel or act a certain way - literally whatever you're feeling is fine. Your emotions will probably be all over the place. But eventually you'll be on the other side and it will be different, but you'll be happy. Your girls will be happy, even if it takes time to adjust.
Post by tarzanswife on Mar 18, 2019 14:11:33 GMT -5
I am so sorry. I have been there and it is SO HARD. Only in my instance, I was the one that asked for the divorce. Take some time to process everything. I did a ton of crying and basically just mourning the loss of the marriage. One thing I can recommend is to tell the kids soon, and tell them together. Dragging it out will only make it worse for them. My son took it very hard and was quite devastated. He was quite angry and I ended up taking him to therapy and it was the best thing I could have done for him. We didn't file right away and but took some time to separate our assets, he moved out, etc.. Once we both felt emotionally ready we filed and we will be divorced in two weeks. I am happy to say that my son has adjusted to his "new normal" very well. He is doing great in school, is genuinely happy because we are not fighting any more. Mom is happy, Dad is happy, kid is happy. Also, do something for yourself. I joined Orangetheory and it was the best outlet for me to get my anger out and take some time for myself. I was already in therapy but this was one thing I wanted throughout the marriage that I was never "allowed" to consider. It also gave me something to do on the weekends my X had my son so that I wasn't sitting around depressed. I made new friends, re-discovered myself and re-defined myself. I can genuinely say that I am happier than I have been in many, many years and so is my X. We are actually pretty good friends now which makes navigating the whole co-parenting easier. Things will be quite hard for awhile but they will get better. Nothing has to be decided today or even tomorrow. I still have my wedding rings, I did donate my wedding dress to the good will after we had been separated a year. Right now you are shell shocked. That feeling will pass in time and you will be able to make decisions and figure out next steps once you give yourself time to process. Many hugs and feel free to PM me anytime.
Post by klingklang77 on Mar 18, 2019 21:32:27 GMT -5
I’m so sorrry.
I’m in the midst of a divorce. It’s been going on 2+ years now. I have another year to go with the German laws.
It does get better with time.
I did not initate it, but I knew it was coming. When he decided he had had enough, he left and stole a lot of paperwork.
I cried and cried, but i made tons of copies of pensions, etc.
Make copies and get your paperwork in order. Talk to a lawyer.
Get your own bank account and take out half. You need to get your finances in order. I’m not sure what the laws are where you are. That’s the most important thing. You should get what you deserve.
Things are going to be different, but just DGAF bad do what is best for you.
I'm so sorry. But I agree with others to get a lawyer and a therapist to help you advocate for yourself. This is not all your fault. (Hugs). I promise it gets better.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Treat yourself with grace, even in the best of circumstances, you've got lots of change on your way. I'm sure that most of it will be good, though, even if it doesn't feel like it at first!
Post by downtoearth on Mar 18, 2019 22:43:37 GMT -5
So sorry cleo29. I’m about two months out from our separation, and I think the kids were most confused because we were in a good place and not fighting (kids are 7th, 4th, and K). So they are still trying to process and ask questions about if things were “actually bad” or why we are getting divorced if we can talk/laugh and get along so well. (Note - infidelity was the reason and kids don’t know yet) So I hope that it might be healthier for your kids to know that arguments and frustrations were voiced and that you two agreed to the changes. I really don’t know... novice here.
As to the financials - there are so many resources and I hope you find a solution to the finances and support that allows you time to adjust.
Sorry you have joined this emotional roller-coaster, I wish you strength and know you will find happiness.
I'm so sorry. When ExH told me he wanted to get divorced, I was completely blindsided, but like PP said, looking back we weren't happy. Turns out he was cheating on me. He refused counseling of any kind.
Letting go of what I thought life would be like was the hardest, like you said.
In the long run, I'm happier now then I was when I was married to him.
Post by sapphireblue on Mar 19, 2019 6:29:35 GMT -5
Cleo, I am so so sorry. I've been away from any computers/devices for 4 days and just saw this.
My exH moved out in 2012. It was a tough time for me but things are so much better for both of us now. Like you said about you and your H, he and I weren't really good together. Or, when we were good, things were really good, but so often I felt too that we brought out the worst in each other. Our fights were terrible. After he left I realized how much I was walking on eggshells around him, not sure what would set him off at times.
Anyway, all of that is to say that there is no doubt that where you are right now is a very difficult place to be but it absolutely will get better. You can do this.
The rings are yours to keep and you don't have to stop wearing them right now if you don't want to. Might be easier to avoid questions until you are ready. Your girls would probably want them someday. I donated my wedding dress.
Many hugs to you right now. You can do this. Even if you two want to make the divorce as amicable as possible, my advice is to get your own lawyer, especially since you have a disparity in income that needs to be taken into account.
So sorry cleo29 . I’m about two months out from our separation, and I think the kids were most confused because we were in a good place and not fighting (kids are 7th, 4th, and K). So they are still trying to process and ask questions about if things were “actually bad” or why we are getting divorced if we can talk/laugh and get along so well. (Note - infidelity was the reason and kids don’t know yet) So I hope that it might be healthier for your kids to know that arguments and frustrations were voiced and that you two agreed to the changes. I really don’t know... novice here.
As to the financials - there are so many resources and I hope you find a solution to the finances and support that allows you time to adjust.
Sorry you have joined this emotional roller-coaster, I wish you strength and know you will find happiness.
well, we learned they have heard us fight (I should not be surprise by this as they can be loud) and I think it has scared them. We have spoken a little about what to tell them and I think we will need to do it soon because H and I are not kissing one another hello or goodbye anymore and just things have shifted. I am definitely pulling away a little because it would all feel too confusing if we just tried to be like normal.
I am sorry you are going through this too. wishing you a lot of strength too.
So, we have been giving each other space and today, while the kids were at school, we talked a bit about logistics and it just killed me. The thought of telling our girls is gut wrenching, but i feel like we will need to do it soon because we are not behaving we usually do and I know they, particularly C, will pick up on it.
There were definitely issues in our marriage, things that were getting harder to live with like his temper, but I did not want this either. The thought of not wearing my rings brings me to tears. the thought of him moving on with someone is incredibly hard.
I am going to look into meeting with an attorney. There are many collaborative divorce places in our area, so we are going to try that route. I want to keep things as good as we can so our relationship as co-parents can be a good, strong one. Also, I get emails from the group of my former therapist and one of the things was a group for those going through a divorce. Talk about timing.
Post by mrsukyankee on Mar 19, 2019 15:34:42 GMT -5
cleo29, glad that you might find a group that will help you out through your old therapist. And that you going to meet with an attorney. Wishing you the very best.
Post by textbookcase on Mar 20, 2019 11:06:11 GMT -5
Oh, Cleo. I'm so sorry. I'm not around here often anymore but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. My divorce is almost final and while it has been a tough road, things are starting to feel much better. Hugs, lady.