Hypothetical WWYD

[timorousbeastie]

Do you know that your husband will be allowed to be with you for all that time? My cousin just gave birth last week; her H had to drop her off at the entrance to the hospital, then was only allowed in while she was actively pushing. After the delivery, as soon as she was moved to the recovery room, he had to leave again until she was discharged (at which point he had to get her from the entrance, not go up to her room). So it’s possible that you won’t need someone to watch your toddler for more than a few hours. (I’m sorry, either situation - needing an acquaintance to watch your child for a couple days, or your H not with you for most of the delivery - are not ideal)

[madringal]

No. It stinks, but no. Pandemic aside there is no scenario where I would leave my kids overnight with people I don’t know very well.

[fernweh]

Do you know for sure we will be allowed with you? I have heard many tales of certain states not letting the father’s in the room.
If he is in fact allowed the yes I would leave with someone as long as H trusts them and is confident they are socially distancing properly (disclaimer: I don’t have kids so feel free not to listen to me)

[ny96]

Under normal circumstances I would say yes to having a trustworthy family take my child for a night or 2 even if I didn’t know them extremely well if it meant that my husband could join me at the hospital, but I’m not sure I would if I was quarantining and then introducing a new baby into your “unit” where one member had been outside the group for a while.

ETA: the more I think about it, it could potentially be a pretty traumatic experience for your child to be suddenly placed with a family they don’t know. I would say no.

[rosiebear]

I wouldn’t. It really, really stinks, but I’d leave my H home with our toddler and lean like crazy on the nurses during delivery. I hope your mom comes in time, though.

[foundmylazybum]

No, BC its adding another way for you all to get sick, and that would truly stink to have either or both of you guys get sick with a newborn and young toddler! 😮

[Jalapeñomel]

No. I’d also not be around grandma who flew.

[rosiebear]

Apr 25, 2020 12:00:49 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

No. I’d also not be around grandma who flew.

Oh shoot - I somehow missed that she was flying in. I’m sorry this sucks so much, OP, but I’d cancel her visit.

[cinnamoncox0]

No I wouldn’t at all be comfortable with that, nor would I have a recent flyer in my home.

[cleo29]

No and I would not want anyone flying in to see or help me. There is no way for her to safely self-quarantine for 2 weeks without exposing the whole house.

[ssmjlm]

OMG I am holy shitting and WTFing these people.

Why would anyone thinks that was ok?

[cleo29]

bananahannah, I would royally ticked.

[lemoncupcake]

What the actual hell. I get that it’s hard if you don’t have family in town, but you have to have a plan B (and C and D). It’s part of being a responsible parent.

So they hadn’t discussed this with you at all to see if you could be a back up? Unreal.

[rosiebear]

That is INSANE. I hate these people.

[vamoose]

Ack. Reading that is making me cringe. I probably would have taken the toddler but made grandma wait on the front porch.

[ny96]

I was induced 4 weeks early and we did not have a backup plan for our son which meant my husband got to the hospital about 20 minutes before I had an emergency c-section, after dropping our son off at school. It totally sucked and I still have some feelings about it, but I would never have imposed on another family to take my child. I’m sorry that you had to deal with that.

[killercupcake]

Helllllll no. Wow.

[SusanBAnthony]

Honestly I wouldn't be upset. Obviously I am in the minority. But unless one of you is high risk, this seems like a good reason to break quarantine.

Now I wouldn't have let the grandma in. She can wait on the porch while you gather up the toddler's stuff. But watching the toddler seems like a no brainer right thing to do.

[rebneen]

The grandma just showed up on your doorstep? From a plane flight? JFC. She should've gone straight to their house and you drop the kids/the dad does it. I would try to see if you can get tested. I don't think she should even have been allowed to fly, but whatever. I was basically alone in the hospital from right after DD was born until my mom came the next day because of shitty XH. I was fine with the nurses.

If your H said ok to the end of May, I don't think it was unreasonable if they CALLED AND ASKED with an apology and panic. I don't think it would traumatize a toddler, but it's definitely inappropriate and totally inconsiderate of everyone but the new mom and dad. You don't know this kid at all - could have allergies, been exposed, etc.

However, the real question is: did they give you a hand written thank you or another gift for doing this?

[mccallister84]

Honestly it sounds like the person you should be mad at is your H.

I have a lot of sympathy for moms who give birth far away from family - our nearest family is 4 hours away and I had a 19 month old when DD2 was born. I had an elective induction scheduled but she came a day early so a friend came to stay with her.

I would be absolutely losing my mind right now if I was due any moment. I can’t imagine giving birth without my husband being there but I also am not blind to the risks of sending my toddler out to someone else’s house. I honestly don’t know what I would do if I was pregnant.

[gretchenindisguise]

I wouldn't be annoyed by watching the toddler. I would be annoyed by grandma walking all over my house after just getting off the airplane.

[lemoncupcake]

Apr 25, 2020 12:58:03 GMT -5 rebneen said:

The grandma just showed up on your doorstep? From a plane flight? JFC. She should've gone straight to their house and you drop the kids/the dad does it. I would try to see if you can get tested. I don't think she should even have been allowed to fly, but whatever. I was basically alone in the hospital from right after DD was born until my mom came the next day because of shitty XH. I was fine with the nurses.

If your H said ok to the end of May, I don't think it was unreasonable if they CALLED AND ASKED with an apology and panic. I don't think it would traumatize a toddler, but it's definitely inappropriate and totally inconsiderate of everyone but the new mom and dad. You don't know this kid at all - could have allergies, been exposed, etc.

However, the real question is: did they give you a hand written thank you or another gift for doing this?

[br
If they aren’t having any symptoms I think it’s a vast overreaction to try and get tested right now.

[wanderingback]

Apr 25, 2020 12:51:33 GMT -5 SusanBAnthony said:

Honestly I wouldn't be upset. Obviously I am in the minority. But unless one of you is high risk, this seems like a good reason to break quarantine.

Now I wouldn't have let the grandma in. She can wait on the porch while you gather up the toddler's stuff. But watching the toddler seems like a no brainer right thing to do.

Yeah I was going to say this.
It seems like the person you should be upset with is your H.

[maudefindlay]

I was about to respond and say don't ask someone to watch your kid during a pandemic, that puts someone in a bad spot....but now I see you are the coworker family...and my head just exploded. Did your H discuss end of May before or after the pandemic? Either way you did not have set plans to do this.

[lemoncupcake]

Apr 25, 2020 14:22:04 GMT -5 bananahannah said:

Yes, H and I clearly not on the same page. Coworker broached topic in late March. H knew I was apprehensive and we just kind of shelved the topic until May. In retrospect that was a mistake. I should know babies sometimes show up early. H has also been working insane hours so that hasn’t helped our communication.

Ugh. The pandemic and quarantine have just made me kind of crazy and I appreciate outside perspective. I felt like a jerk asking people in real life. We’re low risk so hopefully it will be fine.

IMO, if someone asks you this kind of favor and you’re not comfortable with it, you need to let them know ASAP you can’t do it or make a plan to get comfortable with it. Stringing them along for 2 months thinking that you were going to be their backup isn’t ok, when they should be finding another plan.

They’re weird for dropping their kid off with someone they’re not comfortable with for sure, but it’s not all on them.

[mcsangel2]

Apr 25, 2020 14:45:27 GMT -5 lemoncupcake said:

Apr 25, 2020 14:22:04 GMT -5 bananahannah said:

Yes, H and I clearly not on the same page. Coworker broached topic in late March. H knew I was apprehensive and we just kind of shelved the topic until May. In retrospect that was a mistake. I should know babies sometimes show up early. H has also been working insane hours so that hasn’t helped our communication.

Ugh. The pandemic and quarantine have just made me kind of crazy and I appreciate outside perspective. I felt like a jerk asking people in real life. We’re low risk so hopefully it will be fine.

IMO, if someone asks you this kind of favor and you’re not comfortable with it, you need to let them know ASAP you can’t do it or make a plan to get comfortable with it. Stringing them along for 2 months thinking that you were going to be their backup isn’t ok, when they should be finding another plan.

They’re weird for dropping their kid off with someone they’re not comfortable with for sure, but it’s not all on them.

This is where I'm at. Clearly the family had few options, or you wouldn't have been approached. But I'm side eyeing the outrage over them calling in the favor that was asked two months earlier when they were led to believe it was okay.

[mrsbutters]

Sounds like they did the best they could in a very tough situation.
The annoyance should be directed towards your husband for agreeing in the first place if you weren’t unified in that decision.

[bananahannah]

Apr 25, 2020 15:09:34 GMT -5 mcsangel2 said:

Apr 25, 2020 14:45:27 GMT -5 lemoncupcake said:

IMO, if someone asks you this kind of favor and you’re not comfortable with it, you need to let them know ASAP you can’t do it or make a plan to get comfortable with it. Stringing them along for 2 months thinking that you were going to be their backup isn’t ok, when they should be finding another plan.

They’re weird for dropping their kid off with someone they’re not comfortable with for sure, but it’s not all on them.

This is where I'm at. Clearly the family had few options, or you wouldn't have been approached. But I'm side eyeing the outrage over them calling in the favor that was asked two months earlier when they were led to believe it was okay.

Yes, you’re totally right. I should have nipped it in the bud in the beginning and made sure H communicated that to them.

[wanderingback]

Apr 25, 2020 12:32:23 GMT -5 ny96 said:

I was induced 4 weeks early and we did not have a backup plan for our son which meant my husband got to the hospital about 20 minutes before I had an emergency c-section, after dropping our son off at school. It totally sucked and I still have some feelings about it, but I would never have imposed on another family to take my child. I’m sorry that you had to deal with that.

I think it's fine if you made another choice not to "impose" on another family, but I'm a big believer in "it takes a village." 
So if someone else has chosen a different decision I think that's perfectly reasonable.

I think giving birth is a very reasonable time for someone to have support and an advocate. For me personally (obviously all hypothetical since I don't have a child, nor am I pregnant) I would absolutely ask someone whom I thought was a responsible adult to watch my child so I had an advocate while giving birth. I'm going to do everything in my power to not become another statistic. (ETA: I'm not trying to blame maternal mortality on us, it's about systemic racism, but hopefully my point comes across and that's another discussion for another day).

As someone who doesn't have children I would absolutely watch a friend, coworkers or acquaintances child if they needed me to do so in a pinch. I've offered it up to my friends multiple times. 

[wanderingback]

Also, to the OP I see you followed up and it seems like there was a miscommunication.

That's happened twice within the past year with my SO and I. He mentioned someone staying with us, time went by, in my mind there was never confirmation and then the person shows up. My SO swears we talked about it and agreed, lol.

Regardless I'm never annoyed at the person who has shown up to stay with us, more annoyed that my SO and I were clearly on different pages!
It happens.