I was 12 and my siblings were 3 & 4. I wouldn't recommend that. I was a child making parenting decisions for babies. I missed a fuckton of school that year. My school finally started sounding the alarm and the times we were left alone was cut back significantly. Unfortunately.
Some of you... I'm sorry you had absentee parents. What they did wasn't right. (ETA: We often see ourselves as being left alone because we were "responsible" or "rule followers" when in fact we had to be the adults in the situation because no one else was. It was a forced responsibility.)
As for the OP question, I'd say 16 is probably the right age without adult backup, but certainly no longer than a few days and not regularly.
I couldn't imagine throwing a party when my parents were out of town. My neighbors knew when my parents were gone and would have come knocking as soon as the party started to end it.
I threw an amazing party when left home alone - when I was in college lol. Summer after freshman year, all my coworkers and their friends from my summer job. Neighbor called the cops, everyone hid in bathrooms etc all high as kites) and left inebriated, 18 year old me to answer the door lol. (It was fine, cops told me to keep it down and left. Yes, white girl in an upper class community, I am aware of the privilege involved in this story)
Anyway. I never threw a party when left home alone in high school (although I went to plenty of parties where parents were out of town) but did in college. I was still underage, as were 90% of my friends there. Waiting until college isn’t a magic age.
Post by midwestmama on Nov 10, 2022 16:54:01 GMT -5
My kids are 13 and 11.5 right now. I would say at least college, even though they both seem to be generally "good" kids. My parents never left me and my sister home alone until we were in college. MIL left DH and his twin sister home alone in high school (although their maternal grandparents lived close by) if/when she traveled for work overnight (she was in sales) and SIL made some bad decisions while MIL was gone.
My concern for my kids would be if they got sick or there was some sort of emergency. I'd feel better if they were 1) at least of adult age and 2) more mature. I also wouldn't want them to be pressured into inviting kids over/having a party at our house. (Now with having a doorbell cam, it's a little harder to have people sneak over, but they could walk around one the side of the house to the back door and the Ring wouldn't pick it up.)
I will say for myself, I was generally a good kid/rule follower, but there were a couple times my senior year in high school where I went to a couple parties and my parents never found out (because they are ones I wouldn't have been allowed to go to). I "went to my best friend's house." (Which I know with tracking apps is hard to use that lie nowadays.) So I assume even good kids will do something wild every once in a while.
Dh and I flew to another state this spring and left 17yo DD and 13yo DS home alone for a few days. DD doesn't drive so that has its own plusses/minuses for being left home alone. We were gone five days and had family friends stop over to bring them dinner one night and then ILs picked them up and brought them to their house for two days. It worked out just fine and if anything they appreciated the independence and really rose to the occasion. For example my son is impossible to wake up for school in the morning, but somehow managed just fine when we weren't around.
We also left them home alone overnight in 2020 when they were 15 and 11 while we drove out of state and back. We've probably left them alone overnight other times when we've planned to hang out with our friends and not drive home... it's only the times we were out of state that are memorable to me though. They're fine on their own.
Although some states specify an age appropriate for legally leaving the child home alone. Most states do not expressly state an age. Therefore, states in collaboration with the Department of Health and Human Services have formulated some guidelines to assist parents who are making this decision:
Ages 7 and under: Cannot be left alone at home during any period of the time. This includes leaving them unattended in the cars, backyards and playgrounds. This is a vulnerable age and their would be a high risk to their safety; Ages 8 to 10: are permitted to be home alone only during daylight and early morning hours for no later than 1 and ½ hours; Ages 11 to 12: can be left alone during the day for up to 3 hours but not late at night; Ages 13 to 15: are permitted to be left unsupervised, but not overnight and; Ages 16 to 17: can be left unsupervised for up to 2 days.
If something happens, more than likely your minor child would be placed into child protective services until you came home, and then you would have to answer to them why your minor child has been left unsupervised for several days. EVEN IF they are in the care of another older, but still minor child.
Post by plutosmoon on Nov 10, 2022 17:20:09 GMT -5
I won't leave my kid alone until she can drive, so at least 16, but not for longer than a night or two. When she's 18, I'll consider a longer stretch.
My parents left me and my sister home for the first time when I was almost 16 and she was almost 18. I was only home 1 of the nights, sister who was off to college in a month drove me up to my summer program and was home a few more days.
Although some states specify an age appropriate for legally leaving the child home alone. Most states do not expressly state an age. Therefore, states in collaboration with the Department of Health and Human Services have formulated some guidelines to assist parents who are making this decision:
Ages 7 and under: Cannot be left alone at home during any period of the time. This includes leaving them unattended in the cars, backyards and playgrounds. This is a vulnerable age and their would be a high risk to their safety; Ages 8 to 10: are permitted to be home alone only during daylight and early morning hours for no later than 1 and ½ hours; Ages 11 to 12: can be left alone during the day for up to 3 hours but not late at night; Ages 13 to 15: are permitted to be left unsupervised, but not overnight and; Ages 16 to 17: can be left unsupervised for up to 2 days.
If something happens, more than likely your minor child would be placed into child protective services until you came home, and then you would have to answer to them why your minor child has been left unsupervised for several days. EVEN IF they are in the care of another older, but still minor child.
WTF.
Thank you, I started to feel like maybe I’m overbearing but I think I just agree with federal guidelines. Lol.
My parents left me for a week while I was 16 & left me in charge of my much younger siblings. They were out of the country and fairly unreachable. They were seriously terrible parents. Nothing went wrong and I was a "good" kid. I got my siblings off to school as well as myself, never threw a party but WTF was/is wrong with them. Don't do that. Lol
When I was a teenager, my best friend's mom decided when my friend was 13 she was "done" being a mom and would regularly leave for trips, leaving my best friend and her sister, who was 3 years older, alone. We lived across the street and my mom would keep an eye out, but sometimes it was just my friend.
By the time my friend was 16, the mom went to Vegas for a week, leaving her with $100 for pizza (the only real "food" that could be ordered) and my friend and her sister threw a pot party. The only reason my mom didn't call the cops was because, like with many of our friends, she figured we could keep a better eye out than if they went into the system.
Like pixy0stix said, a lot of absent parenting was normalized. Doesn't mean it was normal.
As to the original question, I wouldn't even consider an overnight if a child wasn't 16 and able to drive themselves in the case of an emergency, but even that would have to be very situational.
I don't even really like being home alone and I'm 44.
My mom started leaving me to babysit my baby brother when I was 9 or 10, but I don't think I spent a night "alone" until college, and even then I wasn't alone, because I had roommates and was in a dorm full of people. Then I had roommates, sometimes five or six at a time, through all my teens and 20s until I got married. I know I spent nights alone in there (and I did have a few couple-month stretches when I didn't have roommates for whatever reason), but for all that I'm an introvert, I do like to have someone around.
This was not an issue for me growing up bc I lived on a farm with my grandparents on the property. My parents never really traveled because of farm responsibilities. I was probably 20/21 before I spent an overnight completely alone.
My own kids are 14 and 11 and we are not there yet. We don't even leave them to go out to dinner, even though all of their friends are regularly left home and I'm sure they'd be fine.
We are very close with our immediate neighbors, and my sister in law lives in walking distance and stops by daily, so I'm not worried about them throwing ragers or anything. It's just not something that comes up for us.
Although some states specify an age appropriate for legally leaving the child home alone. Most states do not expressly state an age. Therefore, states in collaboration with the Department of Health and Human Services have formulated some guidelines to assist parents who are making this decision:
Ages 7 and under: Cannot be left alone at home during any period of the time. This includes leaving them unattended in the cars, backyards and playgrounds. This is a vulnerable age and their would be a high risk to their safety; Ages 8 to 10: are permitted to be home alone only during daylight and early morning hours for no later than 1 and ½ hours; Ages 11 to 12: can be left alone during the day for up to 3 hours but not late at night; Ages 13 to 15: are permitted to be left unsupervised, but not overnight and; Ages 16 to 17: can be left unsupervised for up to 2 days.
If something happens, more than likely your minor child would be placed into child protective services until you came home, and then you would have to answer to them why your minor child has been left unsupervised for several days. EVEN IF they are in the care of another older, but still minor child.
WTF.
Mine are almost 11 and stay home after school alone for 2.5-3 hours after school now. It will be dark before 5 soon, so not daylight for the last 30min- 1hour. My cut off is 3 hours alone and only after school when they have homework for an hour, chores that take 30 minutes and then they zone out on their iPads until we get home. I didn't realize there is a law that says it should be 1.5 hours tops. Most of their friends have been home alone for at least a year and we are one of the last ones to let ours.
Only reason I am comfortable with that is because we can communicate, I can track them on gps, they don't eat when an adult isn't home, we are 4 miles away if there is an emergency and our emergency contacts are next door or a mile away, the fire station is 0.4 miles away, and we have the ring.
My parents did not make the best decisions ( I was home alone at 8 any school days off and all summer long and was taking three subways lines an hour to school alone at age 10) and I had to learn how to take care of myself way too early.
Hahaha. Knowing that I had my boyfriend basically move in for a week of nonstop sex and drinking when I was 16 or so, I still let my kids spend a weekend alone when they were the same age.
Note: my parents were 💯 checked out and I acted out a lot as a teen. My kids probably got away with more than I suspected but I know for sure they didn't do most of the truly risky and stupid stuff I did at their age. They were both more closely monitored and more responsible than me as teens.
I'm not sure I would leave them alone for more than one night before college. They are young and its hard to predict what the next few years will be like maturity wise but our house is a prime high school party house. I guess I could always FaceTime them every half hour or something and the ring catches people coming and going so I could make sure they weren't partying, but that seems like a lot of trouble when they could just go spend the night at a friends or something.
My family went away for a week when I was 14. I got to come home from the bus to an empty house and it was heaven. I think I would have done fine staying home alone but they had a family friend come pick me up around 5 pm each night and I slept at their house each night.
No way I would have pulled off any kind of party. I was all about studying in high school and wouldn't have known anything about holding a HS party.
Post by SusanBAnthony on Nov 10, 2022 22:09:48 GMT -5
My parents had my grandparents come stay with us all through high school.
I think my kids would be ok for one night at age 15 but I have no plans to actually find out. If a situation came up that was urgent I would have them go stay overnight with our neighbors.
H's sister had huge parties that involved her "friends" stealing valuable family heirlooms.
I was left home for a week when I was 17 but a HS graduate. I had a car, was working, had a major hobby, etc. I was not bored. They made my brother go with them.
I can recall 2 separate nights when I was home alone and I was 17 or 18. My parents were within an hours drive, I had neighbours I could call if needed, there was no chance I would throw a party. Once I went to college I never stayed at home for more than a couple weeks, never without my parents there.
I can't say when I'd leave DS since he's 8 and we are many years away. One of my reoccurring nightmares is leaving him unattended and not being able to get back. Even walking to the mailbox at the end of our street is a no go (maybe a quarter mile?). I'm not normally an anxious person, but leaving him unattended is a huge trigger to my subconscious apparently. Probably I'd be okay with it when he's a junior/senior? There are too many variables though.
I did go to my family’s cabin during spring break with my 2 friends. One was 18 and we were both 17. I think we were there 2-3 nights. But maybe the 18 year old cancelled out the fact we were 17. We didn’t have water (winterized cabin) but we went to the neighbors as instructed for gallons of water and we had heat. It must have only been 2 nights because longer than that and we might want to shower.
16 if they are a mature rule follower. My parents refused to let me stay home alone overnight until I was 18 and out of high school, because my sisters ruined it for me. Both would have parties when my parents weren’t home and both were caught about half the time. They did let me house sit for tons of other people since the age of 16 and usually my BFF was with me. They figured I was responsible enough not to have a party at someone else’s house because I took my jobs very seriously. I probably wouldn’t have had a party at my house but I 💯 would have had boys over. If you let your kid stay home before 18 I’d put on security cameras at the entries (although I still would have found a way to sneak a boy in).
I think I was 17. However, I was not the type of kid to throw parties or do anything crazy while they were away. I had my license and a job by then too. I was a very responsible teen.
My friend was 16 and he ended up just staying at my house because he got scared after the first night.
My mother had a second adolescence when I was a teenager and I was left alone, a lot. A week at a time on more than one occasion + lots of weekends. I always threw parties and it’s a wonder that there were never serious injuries or legal consequences.
Post by wanderlustmom on Nov 11, 2022 17:59:53 GMT -5
My mom would leave for occasional nights to go visit out of town family and I did throw parties.
We don’t leave ours and won’t until they are adults. It’s not about trust, so far they seem more responsible than I was. When we go out of town, we get a family member to come. I think they would love if we left them alone. They are 15 and 17. Anyway can’t really explain why—I just feel like one of us should be home. Every weekend one has at least one sport so we don’t want to both miss
Post by BlondeSpiders on Nov 11, 2022 18:32:40 GMT -5
No kids, but an anecdote.
When I was 16 my parents left me alone on a Friday to go somewhere for their anniversary. I drove my friend and myself to a house party with dubious parking options. I didn't want to bring my purse inside (pre-cellphone era) so I gave Sandy my keys. She went home with some guy (and my keys) and I ended up sleeping on the couch. The next morning she brought my keys, and at that point I noticed my car had been towed because I parked too close to a gate.
I got in soooo much trouble for that little escapade. I was a pretty responsible teen, too.
My brother played on a travel sport when we were both in high school. I recall my parents making arrangements for me to stay home alone during the Saturday day, get picked up around 5:00pm for a sleepover with a friend, and then dropped off the next morning to be home to let the dog out, etc. So I was alone but not exactly overnight? I was 14/15.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Nov 11, 2022 20:43:24 GMT -5
I need to start evaluating stuff like this. I mean, not anytime soon because mine are 9 and 7, but my first reaction was omg not until they’re 17, but I was living in my own apartment at 17.
But also, my parents had major issues and we were solo parenting ourselves a lot so that isn’t great either.
I need to start evaluating stuff like this. I mean, not anytime soon because mine are 9 and 7, but my first reaction was omg not until they’re 17, but I was living in my own apartment at 17.
But also, my parents had major issues and we were solo parenting ourselves a lot so that isn’t great either.
Mine aren’t staying alone overnight until they’re in college, lol. So what’s one up from a helicopter? A drone?
I need to start evaluating stuff like this. I mean, not anytime soon because mine are 9 and 7, but my first reaction was omg not until they’re 17, but I was living in my own apartment at 17.
But also, my parents had major issues and we were solo parenting ourselves a lot so that isn’t great either.
Mine aren’t staying alone overnight until they’re in college, lol. So what’s one up from a helicopter? A drone?
LOL. We are big time 🚁🚁🚁. I’m sure that’s because of how I grew up, but I give myself the long wow sometimes.
I need to start evaluating stuff like this. I mean, not anytime soon because mine are 9 and 7, but my first reaction was omg not until they’re 17, but I was living in my own apartment at 17.
But also, my parents had major issues and we were solo parenting ourselves a lot so that isn’t great either.
I read something recently that said helicopter parents are the result of being an under protected child and omg did that hit home for me. I've definitely been working on it for literally years and I'm much better, but that was a major lightbulb moment for me.
FTR- my first thought before reading the thread was 16 and for only one night.