I need to start evaluating stuff like this. I mean, not anytime soon because mine are 9 and 7, but my first reaction was omg not until they’re 17, but I was living in my own apartment at 17.
But also, my parents had major issues and we were solo parenting ourselves a lot so that isn’t great either.
I read something recently that said helicopter parents are the result of being an under protected child and omg did that hit home for me. I've definitely been working on it for literally years and I'm much better, but that was a major lightbulb moment for me.
FTR- my first thought before reading the thread was 16 and for only one night.
I’ve had to have some tough talks with my mom because she doesn’t remember a lot of the bad stuff. I don’t want to hurt her, but I want her to understand that what my sister and I lived through was not normal and it was not okay and it has absolutely affected the way that we parent.
I was 12 and my siblings were 3 & 4. I wouldn't recommend that. I was a child making parenting decisions for babies. I missed a fuckton of school that year. My school finally started sounding the alarm and the times we were left alone was cut back significantly. Unfortunately.
Some of you... I'm sorry you had absentee parents. What they did wasn't right. (ETA: We often see ourselves as being left alone because we were "responsible" or "rule followers" when in fact we had to be the adults in the situation because no one else was. It was a forced responsibility.)
As for the OP question, I'd say 16 is probably the right age without adult backup, but certainly no longer than a few days and not regularly.
Oooof. This resonated. Let me know if you want me to remove the quote, but this was my childhood and hit me right in the solar plexus.
I read something recently that said helicopter parents are the result of being an under protected child and omg did that hit home for me. I've definitely been working on it for literally years and I'm much better, but that was a major lightbulb moment for me.
FTR- my first thought before reading the thread was 16 and for only one night.
I’ve had to have some tough talks with my mom because she doesn’t remember a lot of the bad stuff. I don’t want to hurt her, but I want her to understand that what my sister and I lived through was not normal and it was not okay and it has absolutely affected the way that we parent.
Me and my sister have spent many late nights in adulthood talking about how fucked up our childhood was. Our parents aren't even involved in our kids lives, it so weird. The funny thing is, me and my sister are insanely close with our own children and have great relationships with them. I think it's the feeling of "I'll never parent like that and make my kids feel like that" that propels us because we know what if feels like to have neglectful/abusive parents.
I’ve had to have some tough talks with my mom because she doesn’t remember a lot of the bad stuff. I don’t want to hurt her, but I want her to understand that what my sister and I lived through was not normal and it was not okay and it has absolutely affected the way that we parent.
Me and my sister have spent many late nights in adulthood talking about how fucked up our childhood was. Our parents aren't even involved in our kids lives, it so weird. The funny thing is, me and my sister are insanely close with our own children and have great relationships with them. I think it's the feeling of "I'll never parent like that and make my kids feel like that" that propels us because we know what if feels like to have neglectful/abusive parents.
And, I'm sorry.
While the growing up part sucks, the one silver lining of having a fucked up childhood is it’s like a roadmap of things NOT to do with your own kids.
I’ve had to have some tough talks with my mom because she doesn’t remember a lot of the bad stuff. I don’t want to hurt her, but I want her to understand that what my sister and I lived through was not normal and it was not okay and it has absolutely affected the way that we parent.
Me and my sister have spent many late nights in adulthood talking about how fucked up our childhood was. Our parent's aren't even involved in our kids lives, it so weird. The funny thing is, me and my sister are insanely close with our own children and have great relationships with them. I think it's all feeling of "I'll never parent like that and make my kids feel like that" that propels us because we know what if feels like to have neglectful/abusive parents.
And, I'm sorry.
Big love to you. It’s so hard, isn’t it?
My sister doesn’t have a relationship with my dad at all. I do, but he knows he must tread carefully.
We are both close with my mom, but it’s been really hard to delicately share with her how fucked up things were because she was so drunk so much of the time, she doesn’t remember it. I have had to remind her how our dad used to hit us and how she used to pass out naked on the stairs and how even if she did play Barbies with us and do crafts and those are the parts she remembers, it doesn’t negate the other stuff.
FWIW, I see what a wonderful parent you are and I hope my relationship with my kids is as good as yours is with your son when they’re his age. ❤️❤️
Me and my sister have spent many late nights in adulthood talking about how fucked up our childhood was. Our parents aren't even involved in our kids lives, it so weird. The funny thing is, me and my sister are insanely close with our own children and have great relationships with them. I think it's the feeling of "I'll never parent like that and make my kids feel like that" that propels us because we know what if feels like to have neglectful/abusive parents.
And, I'm sorry.
While the growing up part sucks, the one silver lining of having a fucked up childhood is it’s like a roadmap of things NOT to do with your own kids.
Me and my sister have spent many late nights in adulthood talking about how fucked up our childhood was. Our parent's aren't even involved in our kids lives, it so weird. The funny thing is, me and my sister are insanely close with our own children and have great relationships with them. I think it's all feeling of "I'll never parent like that and make my kids feel like that" that propels us because we know what if feels like to have neglectful/abusive parents.
And, I'm sorry.
Big love to you. It’s so hard, isn’t it?
My sister doesn’t have a relationship with my dad at all. I do, but he knows he must tread carefully.
We are both close with my mom, but it’s been really hard to delicately share with her how fucked up things were because she was so drunk so much of the time, she doesn’t remember it. I have had to remind her how our dad used to hit us and how she used to pass out naked on the stairs and how even if she did play Barbies with us and do crafts and those are the parts she remembers, it doesn’t negate the other stuff.
FWIW, I see what a wonderful parent you are and I hope my relationship with my kids is as good as yours is with your son when they’re his age. ❤️❤️
Is your mom receptive to those conversations? I'm glad that you're close with your mom now and a relationship was salvaged, I know it doesn't negate what happened but hopefully you guys have had productive conversations where there's been growth.
My parents either don't remember or pretend not to remember and neither of them drink. I realized in adulthood that I don't really know that much about my parents and I wonder what kind of childhood they had, because I believe that *to them* our childhood was normal, and "that's just how you raise kids." I never realized how much if hurt me until I had a child of my own.
I recently spent the weekend in my hometown, with both my parents, at my sister's vow renewal and the whole thing was so stressful for me, I just dreaded it. Us all pretended everything is fine and I'm crawling out of my skin to get the fuck out of there. I feel like I never want to see, especially. my mother, ever again. There's nothing salvageable there for me.
And thanks for the compliment. That's truly the nicest things someone can say to me!
Post by underwaterrhymes on Nov 11, 2022 22:07:35 GMT -5
eb777888 - whewww, that’s a tough question. She is and she isn’t.
She and my dad are both sober and that helps. I told my dad that my sister and I were both terrified of him when we were little and I think that really bothered him, but he needs to hear that and he accepted it as truth.
My sister lives 10 minutes from my mom and she has said some very hard things for my mom to hear, and she said them in a way that was fair and true, but my since she and my mom argue a lot and my sister is tough for anyone to get along with, my mom attributed it to my sister’s anger, rather than valid experiences.
I grew up as the scapegoat and the peacemaker, and I still live in that latter role today. So I am always 100% there for my sister in every capacity even when she aggravates the hell out of me because she is the only one who gets it and I love her immensely. But I also know my mom cannot hear or accept things if you don’t do it in a gentle way. She gets too defensive and she shuts down. She is like Bambi if Bambi was an ostrich who was a little bit manipulative.
So when I have these conversations with her, I try to phrase it in a way that helps her feel recognized for the good things she did, while also pointing out to her the harm we experienced.
I remember the leather jacket she bought me. I remember her buying me Barbies. I remember her taking us to the farm festival. These things were good.
But I also remember her throwing up and passing out and telling me she hated me and pushing my sister down the stairs. And as much as she denies knowing my father beat us, she always used to say, “wait until your father gets home,” and those are words of acknowledgment of what’s to come. (She still struggles with this one because my father didn’t use a belt; he used his hand, but he pulled our pants down and he beat us until I was 12 and I told him he needed to stop because we were too old for him to be pulling our pants down.)
I don’t want to force these memories on her, because I don’t feel like it does a lot of good, but because my sister needs her to remember these things, I find myself trying to find ways to express these memories to her in ways that move healing forward for my sister while also not harming my mom.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Nov 11, 2022 22:10:19 GMT -5
Also eb777888, if there’s nothing left for you in that relationship, that’s okay. My sister has found such peace in not having a relationship with my dad. There is nothing wrong in making that decision.
I need to start evaluating stuff like this. I mean, not anytime soon because mine are 9 and 7, but my first reaction was omg not until they’re 17, but I was living in my own apartment at 17.
But also, my parents had major issues and we were solo parenting ourselves a lot so that isn’t great either.
I read something recently that said helicopter parents are the result of being an under protected child and omg did that hit home for me. I've definitely been working on it for literally years and I'm much better, but that was a major lightbulb moment for me.
FTR- my first thought before reading the thread was 16 and for only one night.
I just read this recently thanks to this thread. That GenX are snowplow parents because we were all latchkey kids. (Snowplow because we clear all obstacles from little precious' path.)
I couldn't imagine throwing a party when my parents were out of town. My neighbors knew when my parents were gone and would have come knocking as soon as the party started to end it.
This reminds me of a story where my grandfather broke up a party that one of their friend's son's hosted (before i was born). Nothing too strange about it, but i found out years later that my MIL was actually at the party!
My mom was more on the helicopter parent trail and I am too. She was a good parent so I saw it more as what to do.
DS is also immature for a 12 year old so when I try to give him a new independence like come to the car after practice or walk home from school with a friend he usually ends up messing it up. For example not knowing when practice ends even though there are clocks and most have left. Or not coordinating with friend to walk home and going by himself leading to frantic phone calls from the other parents that my child was missing. He wasn’t missing, but you have to coordinate, child! You can’t just leave without telling your friend.
Post by wanderlustmom on Nov 13, 2022 7:50:28 GMT -5
Yes it definitely relates to my childhood. I did not feel like a priority when I was in high school. Neither parent cared about missing my weekend events and neither encouraged me academically or with sports. So if my parents didn’t have other plans they came, but that was only half the time. I regret I didn’t have a sport in high school. I had a lot of activities and did well in school but it was all on me. So I want to live my life and have things for me but I want my husband or I to be at their activities for the most part or call in reinforcements. Now I get why I am this way—thank you married life therapy
Post by chickadee77 on Nov 13, 2022 9:42:35 GMT -5
Add me to the crowd of being left alone fairly young. However, I was the youngest and didn't have any siblings to look after (older siblings were already out of the house). My folks left me for a couple of weeks when I was 16-ish and it was fine, but they'd left me for a night or so before that.
My H's parents used to leave him for weeks starting at around 11 - his sister was out of the house by then and they wanted to "live their lives," or something, so they'd leave a note with $100 or so and leave for weeks - sometimes out of the country! Granted, they had lots of friends that lived in the neighborhood, but every H has said it was . . . not a good dynamic.
That said, I don't know. My kids are 8 and 4. Certainly not before the eldest can drive, but it depends on the youngest. If she's a handful, I don't feel it would be fair to put that on the older. So I don't know that it would happen with both girls, honestly.
My parents were like the opposite of helicopter parents. They were physically present and did all the superficial things like buying me stuff and signing me up for things I wanted to do, but never really parented, gave advice, set rules, etc, so I had to do it for myself. Lucky for them I was responsible, got good grades, and was a rule follower when my immature brain thought it mattered (aka I studied hard but also drank a lot). I totally threw a party when they went out of town because my oblivious parents didn't want to see that their responsible rule following child also partied hard. Sooo...it'll depend on how my kids are turning out, but likely not until they are out of college.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny