The socialization questions are really interesting to me. My son would say that he had no friends for all of 7th and 8th grade. He did have some kids to sit with at lunch, and always had someone in class that he was friendly enough with to partner for group work. But he did not call, text or socialize with anyone really for two years. It was so hard on him. It's really interesting to see how common this is-- maybe he wasn't being left out at all? Just one of many kids who were sitting home alone waiting for someone else to initiate contact. We signed him up for as many activities as we could manage so that he could try to make friends, but for all the activities he tried-- school football, mountain bike team, church youth group, civil air patrol, 4-H-- he always enjoyed them, but struggled to translate that to friendship outside of the activity. He did finally make a close friend at civil air patrol who I would say is his best friend. That friendship did wonders to restore his confidence in himself.
This year, as a 9th grader, he finally started to find his people. He has friends that hang out after school on Fridays maybe once a month. He started dating someone a couple months ago and they talk on the phone every night. He's done a handful of other things (movies, snowboarding, walk around town) on weekends with friends.
I spent the better part of two years very seriously worried about his mental health, and so concerned that he was the only one.
jinkies , We started running into this in 5th grade. He was a loner in his classroom because his friends were in another class, and rather than make friends he preferred to be by himself. We had to talk to the school because there was a behavior plan for another child that caused that child to get a reward recess. It was supposed to last a week and instead the reward recess was just for the boys in another class and lasted months and months and months. DS felt he was being left out and also that it was unfair. He didn't know why these 10 boys got a special recess. He didn't know it was a behavioral issue. But once I started talking to people that worked in the schools, and they said oh that sounds like a behavioral issue, then I talked to the school because their special recess was taking away all his preferred peers. The school accommodated him by allowing him to join this special recess. The special recess also got to play a preferred sport that wasn't allowed or let's say encouraged at the other recess area.
It became very obvious that he had preferred and non preferred peers. After trying to get him to branch out, I gave up on the non preferred peers. But I did talk to him that he has to make an effort with his preferred peer even if that is only 1 friend. So he will text him.
I listed to the Ask Lisa podcast and she said she worries about the kids with no friends. She says if they have 1 friend, then they are good. So since he has the 1 close friend and the 1 medium close friend and the lunch table and sports I am letting go of the other expectations, but the rule is he has to try a little bit. He can't just hermit himself away totally and not put himself out there.
I wonder if there is some male (boy) resistance to the emotional labor of friendship? I see it in in DD also not wanting to hang with friends because she is tired, but she didn't have any other issues yet. I think it is hard for people to acknowledge that friendship sometimes takes work/ effort/ being open to rejection sometimes.
Oh and a question. I hope this comes out okay but DD doesn't give a crap about what she looks like. She is not a girly girl which is fine but she looks like a hot mess 99% of the time. She wears oversized stuff only, still needs reminders to brush her hair, and by the time she gets home half the time her shoes are untied. I love that she is comfortable being who she is and doesn't feel the pressure to be a lululemon/nike model like a lot of 6th grade girls but I know she is getting judged and dealing with mean comments from peers based upon her appearance. She probably does need to put some more effort into what she wears to school and I have zero idea how to have this conversation.
I’m joining in even though my kid closest to teen kid is 11, almost 12.
My son has one really close friend- they’ve been BFF since daycare (literally potty trained together), went to the same elementary school and live a few blocks away. He only asks to hang out with him, and two other boys from his preschool he’s still friendly with. He started at a new middle school this year and has made friends, but they’re from all over the city and I’ve never met them or their parents, so no way to hang out at home. They play online on Minecraft and chat on Facebook messenger, but that’s it. I worry a bit about the summer when his BFF is visiting family for a few weeks and he’s home with me and his sister all day, every day. He’s going to need friend time but I don’t know how to make that happen aside from spending $$$$$ on the day and sleep away camps the other kids in our neighborhood are going to, or try to reach out to these families somehow.
I feel like living in the city has helped my kids in so many ways, but he can’t just leave our house and walk to the park or even just Walk around with friends and hang unsupervised- it’s just not safe like that in our neighborhood. So I feel like everything has to be set up through parents.
This was his first year at this school, and I knew the workload and expectations were going to be really challenging, but next year we’re enforcing the same rule my grandmother had for me- 1 “sport”, 1 club. I don’t care what the sport is, swim! Fencing! Rock climbing! Just join and try something new that’s good for your body. He already knows he’s joining D&D, so that’s good.
I think a lot of kids just socialize differently than we did when we were kids, largely because of technology. David FaceTimes, plays video games online WHILE FaceTiming, lots of group chats, etc. He probably sees his friends every other week and outside of summertime, it's always a planned event. I have been worried about David getting left out next year because all of his friends are in sports or band and he's not. We tried to talk him into band for next year but he really wants to stick with orchestra and is on the fence about doing a sport. He goes to school early every morning to train with his best friends who are in football and is going to continue that next year, so that helps. IDK, I've never really intervened in his friend groups. he's always done well with that in the past, but things do change in HS. We'll see how it goes.
He also wants to get a job next year when he turns 15 and that stresses me out. Do any of your 15y/o work? If so, how many hours do they work? He has a pretty heavy academic load and the thought of adding a job makes me nervous, but again, I try to let him do his thing and figure it out himself.
I would love for my 15 year old to work but no one hired them. Which is wild since I had my first job at 14. All the normal kid job places explicitly say 16 and above.
Post by mysteriouswife on May 2, 2023 16:47:25 GMT -5
eb777888 my teen works. She is taking all AP and honors. We limit her to 10-15 hours a week. She mostly works Friday-Sunday. On rare occasion she works during the week. Since she is 15 it’s only 3 hours during the week. 4-7. She has a flexible job that allows her to post her shift if she has too much school. The kids are really good about swapping with one another. So far it’s worked for her. She will need to do credit recovery for geometry. That has nothing to do with the job. It’s about her attitude and the teacher not getting along. She is being an asshole and refusing to meet in the middle.
I should add the complexity revolves around her having a ride.
I’m joining in even though my kid closest to teen kid is 11, almost 12; this is me too.
Friends have really shifted over the last 3-4 months for DD. I think a lot of it deals with just middle school sucking. DD goes to a K-8 school and they have a lot of rules regarding phones, behaviors, etc. that doesn't seem to correlate to just the standard 6-8 middle schools. Which is amazing because some of the stuff her friends parents have told me that goes on at school DD has no clue what it is. DD also doesn't have a phone and is now the only person in her group that doesn't. DD says she is being left out because she doesn't have snap chat, Instagram, tik-Tok, and a phone number.
DD's period has not started yet. She shows all the signs of it being soon but I started mine mid-8th grade and so did my sister so we will see. Our pediatrician told us she would start any day at her 8yr well check as she was showing all the right signs then.
Can I ask a question about sleep...DD always has gone to bed early and gotten up early and needed 11-12 hours of sleep to function. She has been pushing bedtime later and later but still is up at the same time. She looks exhausted and is yawning/dozing on the couch by 8 but is forcing herself to stay up. We've been fighting about it a lot and she says she isn't a baby and everyone else stays up until 11 or later. So, if your teen is an early riser and can't sleep in when do they go to bed? Her friends go to bed late but also sleep until 11am if they can.
Post by wanderlustmom on May 2, 2023 16:57:27 GMT -5
So good to discuss all the social stuff. I do think some of it is society changing and some teen personality. I think my son gets a little bummed he doesn't have a group but I don't think it's bothering him that much. I think he's waiting for college at this point. I hope he makes some things happen then. He also has anxiety and is medicated so that plays in--it can definitely come out as social anxiety and he doesn't want to do therapy. He's had plenty of times in his life with more friends but never a lot of friends. He also is highly introverted personality wise and I know he craves a lot of time to himself. Like my husband, he is very quiet and would never be described as charismatic.
Our DD is the opposite--she has found ways to be social her whole life--even during Covid. And she has a best friend. She fills up her weekends with plans and puts a lot energy into her friendships. I agree with the other posters about a "ride and die" best friend as being a bg emotional protector but a lot don't have that.
Working age is 14 in PA, and DS has been working since the day after his 14th birthday. He works 8 hours/week during the school year, plus he has a side gig with H that takes roughly 4-5 hours/week from April through October.
In the summer he worked basically full time.
He definitely struggled balancing work, school, and extracurriculars in Sept and October. He will have to take a break from work during those months this year because I want him to be able to focus on school and mountain bike team.
But other than that it has been great. He loves his job and having his own money. His job is less than a mile from our house, which makes a difference. He would love to make more money but I am not willing to deal with the logistics of getting him to anywhere further away.
186momx bedtime is a disaster in our house. I feel like I've succeeded if both of their lights are out by 11. They are both night owls and it's a fight every night.
eb777888 my teen works. She is taking all AP and honors. We limit her to 10-15 hours a week. She mostly works Friday-Sunday. On rare occasion she works during the week. Since she is 15 it’s only 3 hours during the week. 4-7. She has a flexible job that allows her to post her shift if she has too much school. The kids are really good about swapping with one another. So far it’s worked for her. She will need to do credit recovery for geometry. That has nothing to do with the job. It’s about her attitude and the teacher not getting along. She is being an asshole and refusing to meet in the middle.
I should add the complexity revolves around her having a ride.
Oh, wow, that is awesome! That's my main worry because school is so unpredictable. I hope Geometry gets worked out. What's credit recovery?
eb777888 my teen works. She is taking all AP and honors. We limit her to 10-15 hours a week. She mostly works Friday-Sunday. On rare occasion she works during the week. Since she is 15 it’s only 3 hours during the week. 4-7. She has a flexible job that allows her to post her shift if she has too much school. The kids are really good about swapping with one another. So far it’s worked for her. She will need to do credit recovery for geometry. That has nothing to do with the job. It’s about her attitude and the teacher not getting along. She is being an asshole and refusing to meet in the middle.
I should add the complexity revolves around her having a ride.
Oh, wow, that is awesome! That's my main worry because school is so unpredictable. I hope Geometry gets worked out. What's credit recovery?
A fancy name for summer school. She will take the class over the summer to recover the credits. She and her teacher are like oil and water. This is the first time she has been challenged. Up to this point school came easy for her. She isn’t a math person. Her crap attitude has soured the teacher. The teacher isn’t a walk in the park either. This has been a battle since Feb. 😭
Post by ProfessorArtNerd on May 3, 2023 7:48:55 GMT -5
My 14 year old freshman is on discord video chat all weekend No real interest in going to her friends’ houses or having them over. I assumed it was bc her friends are all over the city, but it absolutely makes sense that this is a product of covid and tech. Even my seven year old is on FaceTime with his best friend after school.
He also wants to get a job next year when he turns 15 and that stresses me out. Do any of your 15y/o work? If so, how many hours do they work? He has a pretty heavy academic load and the thought of adding a job makes me nervous, but again, I try to let him do his thing and figure it out himself.
Lucy is starting her first job this summer- at our neighborhood pool. (You know how she dresses and how HILARIOUS the thought of Wednesday Addams at the pool really is). But it’s in the gatehouse which has air and a roof haha. That’s obviously a summer job, and I won’t want her to get a job during school for a while yet.
Oh, wow, that is awesome! That's my main worry because school is so unpredictable. I hope Geometry gets worked out. What's credit recovery?
A fancy name for summer school. She will take the class over the summer to recover the credits. She and her teacher are like oil and water. This is the first time she has been challenged. Up to this point school came easy for her. She isn’t a math person. Her crap attitude has soured the teacher. The teacher isn’t a walk in the park either. This has been a battle since Feb. 😭
Oh, that sucks! I had to take Geometry in summer school, too. It's hard!! I hope she has an easier time with another teacher.
A fancy name for summer school. She will take the class over the summer to recover the credits. She and her teacher are like oil and water. This is the first time she has been challenged. Up to this point school came easy for her. She isn’t a math person. Her crap attitude has soured the teacher. The teacher isn’t a walk in the park either. This has been a battle since Feb. 😭
Oh, that sucks! I had to take Geometry in summer school, too. It's hard!! I hope she has an easier time with another teacher.
Geometry and calculus made me want to quit school. I do understand DD’s struggles and frustration. We have her in tutoring. DD refuses to participate in class and openly argues with the teacher. Multiple people have told us the teacher will single out two or three kids each class to argue with. Which is DD’s personality too. I believe the teacher is a good teacher who knows her course well. It is one of those cases of not everyone likes everyone.
I would love for my 15 year old to work but no one hired them. Which is wild since I had my first job at 14. All the normal kid job places explicitly say 16 and above.
See I would have been fine with mine not working until 16 and he insisted on working the minute he turned 14, especially once I realized that if you're in fall sport summer "break" is more of a figurative term. Here's a bunch of non-mandatory runs I expect you to be at and BTW the actual season starts August 1 (as does band camp). DS likes working even though he's in all these activities and he works at McDonald's. I didn't know anyone liked working at McDonald's, LOL. He also developed a frappe' habit there, but I assume after his employee discount he's still coming out ahead.
DS 12 is also struggling with the "I have no friends" feeling, even though he's fairly popular within his very small school, and he has two close guy friends he hangs out with after school. I have a fair amount of guilt about him being an only child in a neighborhood with basically no children (we did not know that before we moved here when he was in kindergarten.) One of his close friends is moving to a new school next year and we have the summer looming. He plays league soccer and takes violin but I'm looking for more ways for him to make friends for sure.
Adding on to the friend stuff. My dd is a gymnast and spends so much time in the gym. She has some good friends there. This year she moved up a level and they didn’t but she still sees them At practice and competed with them at most meets. But we found out that all of them are not doing it next year. Also found out a younger girl she knows quit too.
Ugh I’m just soooo sad for my kid. This will not help the friend stuff at all. And on top of that it’s just not great for her gymnastics either since she won’t have anybody even close skill wise anymore. Now we are scrambling to figure out what to do. Do we try to switch gyms. Will that be better or worse?! It just all sucks that part of her enjoyment of her team really hinges on other people and they are all bailing. Being in the gym so much just doesn’t leave her time to do other activities to meet other people. Meanwhile that’s part of the reason others are leaving. So I feel like friendships will wane as those girls find new friends.
Post by somersault72 on May 3, 2023 11:57:11 GMT -5
My son is a freshman, he'll be 15 in a couple of weeks. He has lots of friends (in all grades), but just in the past couple of months has started going out with them regularly. Before that is was fairly rare.
The good: My son has taken to HS like a duck to water. He has friends, he does tons of activities--band, choir, and athletics. His grades are good even though he's in advanced classses. He has a job. He just did the school musical and had a blast. All the kids had bags set out during the shows where people could leave little comment cards and we read his together last night--they were so fun to read (for those of you who know musicals at all he was Pepper in Mamma Mia! which was a PERFECT role for him) and made my heart full.
The bad: I know he is busy, busy, busy and his grades aren't bad by any means, but he doesn't care *that much* about stuff, which drives me crazy. I don't want to put too much pressure on him or anything, but he doesn't seem to think his grades are really that important at all. He is SO smart, which is kind of the problem--he has never HAD to put in a huge amount of effort to get by. He usually gets 1 or 2 Bs every quarter and I don't think Bs are bad by any means but when I know he could put in the smallest effort and get all As I do get a little frustrated. He's planning on going to college and we're not rich, LOL. Example: He got a B in Geometry both quarters in the first semester. When I met with the Geometry teacher at conferences she told me she allows them to do test corrections for half credit. He did NONE. If he would have done even half of the them he likely would have gotten an A.
The ugly: Mostly how fast the time is going and how much I'm going to miss that kid. My youngest will be starting kindergarten in the fall. I still remember him starting kindergarten and I don't know how we've gotten to this point already. ::::sob::::
luckystar2, my DD is also a gymnast. She didn't move up and actually had a really bad season and then broke her toe so is now even further behind as she has just conditioned for 4 weeks. Last night was her first official practice back doing real gymnastics and she lost some skills or the confidence/coordination to do them (she grew during the last month). 90% of her friends are now optional level 7 & 8s and her other friend moved to level 5 and basically has ghosted DD outside of gym because DD is holding her back because gymnastics is serious and not meant to be fun. DD told her to stop stressing over a meet and to just relax and have fun which didn't go over well. She doesn't have very many friends outside of gym and only talks about 2 girls she hangs/eats lunch with at school.
luckystar2, my DD is also a gymnast. She didn't move up and actually had a really bad season and then broke her toe so is now even further behind as she has just conditioned for 4 weeks. Last night was her first official practice back doing real gymnastics and she lost some skills or the confidence/coordination to do them (she grew during the last month). 90% of her friends are now optional level 7 & 8s and her other friend moved to level 5 and basically has ghosted DD outside of gym because DD is holding her back because gymnastics is serious and not meant to be fun. DD told her to stop stressing over a meet and to just relax and have fun which didn't go over well. She doesn't have very many friends outside of gym and only talks about 2 girls she hangs/eats lunch with at school.
Aww poor girl! It’s so hard to deal with the move ups! My dd is level 7. All her good friends stayed at 6 this year but were still missing skills. I’m not sure they’d even be able to move up to 7 next year even if they stayed, and my dd wants to try for 8. Now the girls closest are the level 5s and I’m not sure they’ll be moving up or not.
My dd is very serious about it. A few of the girls were just as serious but they’ve been doing it longer and I think they just got burnt out. The age and the difficulty level seems to really be weeding girls out! One has had back issues so I think she’s just ready to be done. And then a couple other of her friends just don’t take it as seriously and don’t come to practice as much. I just wish she had some other girls that were as serious about it. But our gym is pretty laid back and not really as competitive.
It’s hard cause I feel like they invest so much time in this so it is hard to have time to make other friends. She used to do soccer and it was so much more social but she just couldn’t keep doing both.
I see the parents of 12 year olds are chiming in now so I will too. 😉 My older daughter is generally doing great and is very easy to parent right now. The transition to middle school has been very easy for her, her grades are great, she thinks she already knows where she wants to go to college. She got her first period a month ago, just shaved her armpits for the first time the other night (her choice after I signed her up for swim team), and is getting braces next week. She does a few sports and seems committed to sticking with Girl Scouts. She does not care about her looks/makeup or anything like that (in contrast, my 9yo asked me if I could apply contouring to her face this morning). DD1 wears athleisurewear all the live long day and frequently wears her hair in a “George Washington” ponytail (you do you, child). She’s pretty cool most of the time. Yesterday we went to the gym together to lift weights and she was completely unfazed by all the posturing around us and not intimidated at all, which I loved. Our biggest issue is that she and her little sister don’t get along very well, and she still tries numerous times a day to hug or touch DD2, such that DD2 just reflexively moves away now. I wish they got along better. My husband has been worried about DD1 not having friends, but she has lots of more casual ones. We invited a whole yard full of kids over for her birthday (boys and girls alike) and five girls spent the night. It was magic to my mom ears to listen to them all having a blast with each other. I definitely had the thought that day that “this is what middle childhood should be.” Last week she randomly met up with a couple of her basketball friends and she’ll do occasional park meetings. To the extent she had a BFF, the girl seems to be clicking tighter with another girl now and that makes me a little sad, but my daughter doesn’t seem bothered in the least so I’ve not discussed it further.
Post by Queen Mamadala on May 3, 2023 14:50:33 GMT -5
The good: older two, 18 and 16, just had prom last week. They’re doing great. My eldest had previously accepted invitation to Howard University, but it appears they want to do a gap year and go through the admissions cycle again later. Also considering just completing their AA since they’re over halfway there and it may make more sense to just transfer and not waste the credits earned since starting dual enrollment. Both are stellar students and easy-peasy teenagers. I can’t think of anything for “bad” and “ugly.”
Now, my 13-year-old is at the mopey early teen boy stage. Lol He’s a pretty mellow kid other than being whiny and a negative Nancy. He’s doing better in school (IEP) and is starting to take more interest in being more productive. He’s homeschooled. He tends to butt heads with my 8-year-old and they both can be snarky and push each other’s buttons.
Post by mysteriouswife on May 3, 2023 15:13:01 GMT -5
I just confirmed DD will need credit recovery. Womp womp womp. I don’t really have feelings on it either. Which is making me wonder if I’m even parenting correctly. I am over the battles. This is her grades and her future. She knows what is expected to get in her top school choices. This grade is going to tank her 4.0. We have been encouraging her to look at schools closer to home and less difficult to attend. She has her heart set on Emory or NYU. Having a failing grade isn’t going away. This is her transcript. We keep explaining it like a real world situation. It’s like my reviews at work. They matter in the moment and at my current employer. In 10 years no one cares what my review said. A lot like transcripts. If I want to advance or change roles my review will be looked at.
The consequences of her needing summer school affects her work and camps. She will need to drop a camp. She can’t work more than 18 hours while in summer school. (State law) she was trying to save for - car.
In our school district, middle school is grades 7-9, high school is 10-12.
So my son will make the transition to high school next year. His transition to middle school was traumatic due to covid. But now he has a great group of friends (actually multiple groups). He has a girlfriend. He was accepted into a tech school program that he has wanted to do since 7th grade. He is in extracurriculars that he loves.
He has been miserable for the last couple weeks. He just had a breakdown in the car on the way to work, because he is so worried about the transition to high school and losing all of his friends again, like he did when he went to middle school. Our high school is on block scheduling, meaning you only take 4 classes per semester. DS will be off site at tech school for 2 of them, so he will only be at the high school for 2 classes each day.
He is worried about not having classes with friends next year. About not liking tech school and being stuck on that track. About losing his great friend group because he won't be at the high school for a full day. He's now rethinking whether he wants to do the tech program, even though he'd like the content better, because of the friend situation.
Then as he was getting out of the car, he told me he wanted to quit the extracurricular that has been his lifeline for the past 2 years.
I don't even know what to do with all this information. I have a bad habit of riding my kids' emotions with them, which isn't good for any of us.
Hopefully he will be calmer when I pick him up from work.