Post by snatchparade on Feb 23, 2013 14:03:25 GMT -5
If you are "in love" with one man you should not be engaged to another. Regardless of what happens with Bob, you need to end things with Dave. You are not being truthful or fair to him.
Post by wrathofkuus on Feb 23, 2013 14:04:09 GMT -5
I think that you weren't as into Bob as you're now pretending you were, and you're using him as an out so that you don't have to marry Dave, who you're also not that into. It sounds like you think your options are limited because you feel fat and ugly, and you don't think you can dump a great guy just because you're not that wild about him. Neither of these things are true.
I think you shouldn't be marrying Dave if you're writing Bob and telling him you're in love with him.
We've pushed the wedding back, and I'm not actively planning. I just don't want to end things with Dave just yet because I love him.
It does not sound like you really love Dave. It's time to end the relationship with the finance and move on from Bob. If Bob really wanted to be with you, he'd make it work.
I think you just want to get married, that you don't want to be alone.
This isn't really difficult.
That's not it at all. I have no problem being alone, and I have no problem waiting to get married. The issue is I love them both. I'm not planning on getting married for awhile regardless.
Sounds like you for sure don't want to marry Dave, but rather just want to keep him around until Bob is ready to get back together with you. You really should only be involved romantically with one person. I would advise you to let Dave go now and see what happens with Bob when he is out of the service. Maybe you will find someone else between now and then, maybe you won't, but it doesn't sound like you are happy with Dave or that you have common goals and wishes for your future together.
I think you need to break it off with Dave if you are not truly committed. Honestly a future with either one of these guys doesn't sound great.
Are you really wanting to settle down? I mean a 2-3 year engagement with no actual wedding plans implies that you aren't that excited about it, and Bob is a long ways from settling down himself it sounds like and what's to say he won't just come back and drop out of college again?
How old are you? Have you ever really been single? Do you know what you want for your life outside of a husband?
I think you just want to get married, that you don't want to be alone.
This isn't really difficult.
That's not it at all. I have no problem being alone, and I have no problem waiting to get married. The issue is I love them both. I'm not planning on getting married for awhile regardless.
Then respect Dave enough to end things. Immediately.
You spent most of your post talking about how much you love Bob and vey little about Dave. That says a lot. Dave is your safety guy. That's not fair to him. You should break up with him ASAP. Then see where things go with Bob. They may work out or they may not, but either way it is really selfish of you to string Dave along.
I think you need to break it off with Dave if you are not truly committed. Honestly a future with either one of these guys doesn't sound great.
Are you really wanting to settle down? I mean a 2-3 year engagement with no actual wedding plans implies that you aren't that excited about it, and Bob is a long ways from settling down himself it sounds like and what's to say he won't just come back and drop out of college again?
How old are you? Have you ever really been single? Do you know what you want for your life outside of a husband?
Thanks for the questions.
The 2-3 year engagement is because we were both students and wanted to wait until we had saved up the money to have a wedding. Neither my family nor his family is very well off, so we would be paying for the whole thing ourselves, and we didn't want to go into debt paying for a wedding.
I think Bob has matured, and he really has aspirations to go to college. He didn't choose to drop out the first time. He had a lot of problems with financial aid and couldn't enroll his second year.
I am still pretty young compared to most of you. I have been single, and I know what I want outside of relationships for myself. I am very happy with my career, and I am completely independent financially and can take care of myself. Family and marriage is put on hold for now, and I'm fine with that. I would like to continue to grow in my career and possibly get a second job to pay down my loans. That's one of my biggest goals right now.
Post by wrathofkuus on Feb 23, 2013 14:13:57 GMT -5
Be honest with yourself. Don't you think it's telling that you only "realized" you were still in love with Bob when you knew he was going to be safely out of the country?
Post by Monica Geller on Feb 23, 2013 14:14:06 GMT -5
Honestly, it sounds like you just don't want to be with Dave. You're trying to rationalize it, but it sounds to me like emotionally you don't want to be with him. So call it off. Break up. Take some time to figure out life for yourself. When you're using student loan debt as a reason to question a relationship, you're not "in" it. Don't talk about these things with your mom, find a counselor or support group, or a spiritual group like a bible-study, or something that makes sense for you.
Speaking from some second-hand experience, just because a guy is in the military doesn't mean that he can take care of himself. My sister is constantly moaning because her ex-military husband doesn't help out enough around the house and she feels like she's the mother of 2 instead of a wife. Don't give yourself unrealistic expectations of the Bob relationship; it may not be any different from the first time around. This is just one more symptom that you don't want to be with Dave.
My advice:get out of relationship A and don't pursue relationship B right now. Give yourself some time to figure out yourself first.
I'm sorry if I came off too-harsh; that's not my intent. I just am not good at sugar-coating things.
Honestly, it sounds like you just don't want to be with Dave. You're trying to rationalize it, but it sounds to me like emotionally you don't want to be with him. So call it off. Break up. Take some time to figure out life for yourself. When you're using student loan debt as a reason to question a relationship, you're not "in" it. Don't talk about these things with your mom, find a counselor or support group, or a spiritual group like a bible-study, or something that makes sense for you.
Speaking from some second-hand experience, just because a guy is in the military doesn't mean that he can take care of himself. My sister is constantly moaning because her ex-military husband doesn't help out enough around the house and she feels like she's the mother of 2 instead of a wife. Don't give yourself unrealistic expectations of the Bob relationship; it may not be any different from the first time around. This is just one more symptom that you don't want to be with Dave.
My advice:get out of relationship A and don't pursue relationship B right now. Give yourself some time to figure out yourself first.
I'm sorry if I came off too-harsh; that's not my intent. I just am not good at sugar-coating things.
You did not come across as harsh at all. This is the type of response I was looking for. Thank you very much for being honest and for telling me like it is. I will plan to get some counseling to figure some things out for myself. Again, thank you.
he doesn't want a gf for at least the next 2.5 years, and doesn't want you to wait for him. i understand you're probably reading in between what he's saying, but there's a good chance he's being completely upfront with you.
He has told me that if when he comes back and I'm single then he would like to try having a relationship with me again.
he doesn't want a gf for at least the next 2.5 years, and doesn't want you to wait for him. i understand you're probably reading in between what he's saying, but there's a good chance he's being completely upfront with you.
He has told me that if when he comes back and I'm single then he would like to try having a relationship with me again.
Of course he's saying that to you, because that is what you want to hear.
Does Bob not know you're engaged? He can't be that great of a guy if he's carrying on with you while you're engaged.
Armed forces or not, if he wanted to be with you he would, and he's not. I say drop them both and figure out what you really want in life, love, and relationships.
Post by wildfloweragain on Feb 23, 2013 14:21:17 GMT -5
I think you'll have a better self esteem if you get fit. Lurk over on H&F for some inspirational stories. Once you are happy with yourself (and it sounds like your fitness is a source of unhappiness/low self esteem)you'll attract the right type of guy for you. These two guys are not it.
I think you'll have a better self esteem if you get fit. Lurk over on H&F for some inspirational stories. Once you are happy with yourself (and it sounds like your fitness is a source of unhappiness/low self esteem)you'll attract the right type of guy for you. These two guys are not it.
I think you're absolutely right. My weight has always been an issue for me, and I do have low self esteem because of it.
I think you'll have a better self esteem if you get fit. Lurk over on H&F for some inspirational stories. Once you are happy with yourself (and it sounds like your fitness is a source of unhappiness/low self esteem)you'll attract the right type of guy for you. These two guys are not it.
Oh FFS. I could not roll my eyes any harder at this post.
He's likely very lonely. I don't think you're purposely taking advantage of that, because you don't know. And you're probably lonely and unhappy too. He's looking for companionship and you're giving that to him. 2-3 years is a long time and things could change 400 times between now and then wrt his military career, how he feels about a relationship, how you feel, etc.
I think you need to break it off with both of them and work on yourself for a bit. Be okay with just you first.
He's not deployed but he is away from home (very far away).
Post by jojoandleo on Feb 23, 2013 14:24:48 GMT -5
I am team Kuus this ENTIRE post-including the eyebrow raise to the H&F crazy.
Most people are saying dump both guys, move on,and work on yourself. Honestly-neither one of these guys sound like what you REALLY want and that you are romanticizing Bob because you want a "reason" to leave Dave. Just leave.