Honestly, I do feel a little sorry for you. The excitement aside, it has to be gnawing at you. Hurting other people is terrible and shameful.
You will feel a lot better when you stop doing this. I hope you don't drag it out. Even if you never own up to the down and dirty reasons for splitting with Dave, you should stop hurting him ASAP.
Please don't feel too sorry for me. I did this to myself, and I don't deserve your pity. It has been gnawing at me.
Of course I could list all of the reasons for not ending it here and now, but I'm sure no one wants to hear them and will think I'm just making excuses. And yes, some of them would be excuses, but some of them are legit. I will end it with Dave; I just don't think I can do it today.
Wasted time? Good grief. And 25 is not too young but you are certainly acting much younger.
Bottom line: divorce is way frickin' harder than ending the engagement. I was divorced at 28. It sucks. You need to be a zillion percent sure when you get married.
Also, how would you feel if your FI did this to you? He was holding communication with another woman like you are? Would you be devastated? Or would you not care?
On military man - how long till he gets out of the military? I wouldn't wait even if you thought you loved him. He is TELLING YOU NOT TO WAIT and I have no doubt he is going out, since you said he isnt deployed.
Well thanks for putting me in my place. Of course I would be devastated if my FI was doing this to me.
Bob has about 2 1/2 years until he gets out. He's not deployed, but he is not in this country either, so I doubt he's dating anyone local. I've asked if he's dating anyone else who's also in the armed forces, but he says he is not because most of them are so much younger than him and he has nothing in common with them (of course, these could all be lies). Honestly, I shouldn't even care if he is dating anyone because it doesn't matter.
Post by EllieArroway on Feb 23, 2013 14:59:03 GMT -5
This reminds me a lot of myself in college, trying to decide between my high school boyfriend or my new college crush. I ended up breaking off a 3 year relationship with the HS bf to get with the crush (whom I had been having an emotional affair with) only to end that relationship a couple of months later.
Neither of those guys were the one for me. I don't think Bob or Dave are right for you, either. I agree with a PP that when you know, you know.
Honestly, I do feel a little sorry for you. The excitement aside, it has to be gnawing at you. Hurting other people is terrible and shameful.
You will feel a lot better when you stop doing this. I hope you don't drag it out. Even if you never own up to the down and dirty reasons for splitting with Dave, you should stop hurting him ASAP.
Please don't feel too sorry for me. I did this to myself, and I don't deserve your pity. It has been gnawing at me.
Of course I could list all of the reasons for not ending it here and now, but I'm sure no one wants to hear them and will think I'm just making excuses. And yes, some of them would be excuses, but some of them are legit. I will end it with Dave; I just don't think I can do it today.
You know what you to do with regard to Dave, and you should follow through sooner rather than later. But you also need to figure out why you have such low self-esteem. I'd get thee to a counselor of some sort. After breaking things off with Dave, focus on loving yourself. Nothing is sexier to guys than a woman who is self-assured and happy. (Ack, I sound like my mother).
Post by wrathofkuus on Feb 23, 2013 15:01:27 GMT -5
You do know how to break up with a guy you care about - after all, at one point you broke up with Bob. And you know that breaking up with a guy doesn't mean your tome with him was wasted, because you still value Bob and the time you spent with him back when you really did love him.
Relationships with great people who just aren't the one end all the time. In fact, that's how most relationships do end. It will hurt when you end it, but less than you expect it to, and a large part of you will just feel relieved. I know it's easy from the outside to say that it's not a big deal, but in the grand scheme of things it really isn't.
Post by wildfloweragain on Feb 23, 2013 15:08:46 GMT -5
I am engaged to a wonderful man (I'll call him Dave). He is seriously an amazing guy. He helps out around the house, he loves me and tells me I'm beautiful even though I'm overweight and feel ugly, and we could potentially have a great future together.
This is the reason she is with Dave/thinks he's wonderful, and she has all these things she does not like about both guys and why they are not right for her. She's with 2 guys who she doesn't actually have a future with, at least a healthy future that she is looking forward to. Tells me she thinks she doesn't deserve it. And her thinking she's ugly and overweight must come into play here. She should take care of herself first.
I do agree with much of what has been said, but instead of saying "I agree with everyone else," since it HAD been said, I offered by advice apart from that.
I'm sorry you are struggling to roll your eyes harder. Instead of judging replies, I was offering advice.
You need to at least end your relationship with Dave. Bob may or may not be the one for you but its pretty evident by your actions Dave is not. Even though you feel horrible about what you are doing to Dave, you are still doing it. End things with him so he can find the person that's right for him because it's not you.
Post by wrathofkuus on Feb 23, 2013 15:10:32 GMT -5
Wildflowers, it's your assumption that changing the way she looks is the answer, rather than just loving and accepting herself as-is, that's the assy eye-roller.
I am engaged to a wonderful man (I'll call him Dave). He is seriously an amazing guy. He helps out around the house, he loves me and tells me I'm beautiful even though I'm overweight and feel ugly, and we could potentially have a great future together.
This is the reason she is with Dave/thinks he's wonderful, and she has all these things she does not like about both guys and why they are not right for her. She's with 2 guys who she doesn't actually have a future with, at least a healthy future that she is looking forward to. Tells me she thinks she doesn't deserve it. And her thinking she's ugly and overweight must come into play here. She should take care of herself first.
I do agree with much of what has been said, but instead of saying "I agree with everyone else," since it HAD been said, I offered by advice apart from that.
I'm sorry you are struggling to roll your eyes harder. Instead of judging replies, I was offering advice.
Here is the deal-her THINKING she is overweight, etc. does not mean she IS overweight. Your "advice" may have pushed someone drastically thin with an eating disorder even further. You don't know her, you don't know her weight. the BEST way to get self-esteem isn't through people telling you to work out and eat less, but going to THERAPY.
I am engaged to a wonderful man (I'll call him Dave). He is seriously an amazing guy. He helps out around the house, he loves me and tells me I'm beautiful even though I'm overweight and feel ugly, and we could potentially have a great future together.
This is the reason she is with Dave/thinks he's wonderful, and she has all these things she does not like about both guys and why they are not right for her. She's with 2 guys who she doesn't actually have a future with, at least a healthy future that she is looking forward to. Tells me she thinks she doesn't deserve it. And her thinking she's ugly and overweight must come into play here. She should take care of herself first.
I do agree with much of what has been said, but instead of saying "I agree with everyone else," since it HAD been said, I offered by advice apart from that.
I'm sorry you are struggling to roll your eyes harder. Instead of judging replies, I was offering advice.
I did not roll my eyes at your post. It is valid because I do have issues with my weight. I do need to work on myself (both physically and mentally) before anything else. I appreciate your input and your advice apart from restating that I am cruel, mean, unfair, and basically being a terrible person to Dave. Thank you for giving me a different view.
I am engaged to a wonderful man (I'll call him Dave). He is seriously an amazing guy. He helps out around the house, he loves me and tells me I'm beautiful even though I'm overweight and feel ugly, and we could potentially have a great future together.
This is the reason she is with Dave/thinks he's wonderful, and she has all these things she does not like about both guys and why they are not right for her. She's with 2 guys who she doesn't actually have a future with, at least a healthy future that she is looking forward to. Tells me she thinks she doesn't deserve it. And her thinking she's ugly and overweight must come into play here. She should take care of herself first.
I do agree with much of what has been said, but instead of saying "I agree with everyone else," since it HAD been said, I offered by advice apart from that.
I'm sorry you are struggling to roll your eyes harder. Instead of judging replies, I was offering advice.
Self-esteem does not come from losing weight.
Self-esteem is built inside.
OP does need to work on herself, but just losing weight is not going to solve her problem.
I am engaged to a wonderful man (I'll call him Dave). He is seriously an amazing guy. He helps out around the house, he loves me and tells me I'm beautiful even though I'm overweight and feel ugly, and we could potentially have a great future together.
This is the reason she is with Dave/thinks he's wonderful, and she has all these things she does not like about both guys and why they are not right for her. She's with 2 guys who she doesn't actually have a future with, at least a healthy future that she is looking forward to. Tells me she thinks she doesn't deserve it. And her thinking she's ugly and overweight must come into play here. She should take care of herself first.
I do agree with much of what has been said, but instead of saying "I agree with everyone else," since it HAD been said, I offered by advice apart from that.
I'm sorry you are struggling to roll your eyes harder. Instead of judging replies, I was offering advice.
I did not roll my eyes at your post. It is valid because I do have issues with my weight. I do need to work on myself (both physically and mentally) before anything else. I appreciate your input and your advice apart from restating that I am cruel, mean, unfair, and basically being a terrible person to Dave. Thank you for giving me a different view.
OP, I think she was referring to me. I DID roll my eyes at her post and also at her subsequent one.
I did not roll my eyes at your post. It is valid because I do have issues with my weight. I do need to work on myself (both physically and mentally) before anything else. I appreciate your input and your advice apart from restating that I am cruel, mean, unfair, and basically being a terrible person to Dave. Thank you for giving me a different view.
OP, I think she was referring to me. I DID roll my eyes at her post and also at her subsequent one.
Ah, I understand now. Thanks for clearing that up.
I think you should definitely end your current relationship.
I think you should be single for awhile but not "wait" for the old boyfriend. What does it say about him that he is willing to jeopardize your stability and happiness with your current boyfriend while offering you NOTHING in return?
You are an ego boost to the old boyfriend and you don't love your Fi enough to marry him. Move on from both of them.
I think that you weren't as into Bob as you're now pretending you were, and you're using him as an out so that you don't have to marry Dave, who you're also not that into. It sounds like you think your options are limited because you feel fat and ugly, and you don't think you can dump a great guy just because you're not that wild about him. Neither of these things are true.
As I usually do, I completely & totally agree w/ Kuss. She's extremely wise & very perceptive.
Post by RoxMonster on Feb 23, 2013 15:55:17 GMT -5
I agree with what everyone has said in terms of ending relationships with both guys, etc.
As far as the losing weight stuff goes: losing weight does not automatically mean one gets self esteem. Is it important for anyone to be healthy just for health's sake? Yes. But losing weight alone does not make people happy, even if they think it will.
I lost 80 lbs, was healthy and in a healthy weight range and looked good. I still was unhappy and suffered from depression even after losing all the weight and looking the best I ever did. It is not the end-all be-all and is simplifying the issue way too much. Telling someone who has issues to just hop on a health and fitness board and start losing weight to make themselves happier is ridiculous.
I didn't read all the posts so this question may have been answered: why do you love Bob? You listed some of the reasons that you loved Dave in your OP--what about Bob?
And what is "...there's so much more I could talk about." mean? There's more to the story?
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
you need to pull a kelly taylor up in this joint, choose yourself so you can figure out who you are independent of these two (if you're as young as i think you are doing the math, the time you spent "single" your sophomore year of high school doesn't count for shit), drop bob because he is probably going to be bad news, eventually, and cut dave loose so he can find someone who loves AND RESPECTS him as much as he deserves, and then in 2-5 years all of you will be better off.
people break up with people they "love" all the time. I could love a lot of people I could never be married to.
I broke up with someone I truly loved with all my heart, but deep down, I knew we would meet extreme challenges in our future and I didn't see myself being happy in the end. For a long time, it was the hardest thing I'd ever done. I bawled for a month and couldn't eat a thing for at least that long.
Loving someone is about more than just keeping them around b/c you feel they have put in the time and deserve more of 'this'... whatever it is.
Post by litebright on Feb 23, 2013 16:47:44 GMT -5
So, you're 25 -- if I have my math right, you got engaged to Dave at 23 and have been with him since 21; and you dated Bob on and off for most of high school and some undergrad. A few months here and there in HS and early 20s does not equal knowing yourself and how to be alone and have confidence in yourself outside a relationship. There is a reason why many marriages that happen at a young age fail -- people grow and change and figure out a lot about themselves between 20 and 30, and often the person they are, and/or they're looking for, at 23 is very different than what they find they need to make a marriage work in the long run.
It sounds like you'd be settling for either one of these guys, but for some reason you think they're your only options because you luuuuurve them; and so you're dicking them and yourself around. That's a false dichotomy and should be enough to make you dump both of them. You are not in a sitcom or a movie where your only choices are Guy A or Guy B because the writers won't introduce any other characters. I broke up with more than one perfectly nice guy who treated me well just because we weren't compatible *enough*, they weren't *enough* of what I knew was needed to make a marriage work for the rest of our lives. One wanted to marry me and even though I loved him, I knew that if I married him, I'd be settling and we'd both end up regretting it. It hurts to hurt someone you care about, but better to break up than be in a miserable marriage and divorce.
When you meet the right person, like a pp said, you know. If you're weighing one against the other with a pro & con list, then frankly neither one of them is probably right. Not that I'm saying expect perfection, but you're also giving very immature reasons why you are leaning toward one of the other - you say nothing about common goals, shared values, financial compatibility, relationships with extended family, thoughts on kids, wanting the same things in life, etc. The kind of things that really make or break marriages. It's mostly about whether or not one or the other wants to marry you, or might want to marry you someboday; not about whether they're the right person for you to marry. You can love a lot of people in your life -- just because you love someone doesn't mean you should marry them.
Cut Bob out, get your own place and break it off with Dave, go to counseling and plan on being single for awhile.
It's easy to romanticize the military in theory. The reality is probably not what you're picturing. Military life is challenging with an even higher divorce rate than the civilian rate. You have to be committed and it seems that you are far from that. Girls always pop out of the wood works for boot camp and deployments but the long haul is different. You say that you want to be with him when he's out. How do you know he won't choose to be a "career guy" and stay in 20+ years? What if he's dealing with PTSD? What if he has other health disparities that he'll have to deal with long-term? I don't think you're that committed.
Also, break up with Dave. You don't deserve him. No one deserves to be in his place.
So, you're 25 -- if I have my math right, you got engaged to Dave at 23 and have been with him since 21; and you dated Bob on and off for most of high school and some undergrad. A few months here and there in HS and early 20s does not equal knowing yourself and how to be alone and have confidence in yourself outside a relationship. There is a reason why many marriages that happen at a young age fail -- people grow and change and figure out a lot about themselves between 20 and 30, and often the person they are, and/or they're looking for, at 23 is very different than what they find they need to make a marriage work in the long run.
It sounds like you'd be settling for either one of these guys, but for some reason you think they're your only options because you luuuuurve them; and so you're dicking them and yourself around. That's a false dichotomy and should be enough to make you dump both of them. You are not in a sitcom or a movie where your only choices are Guy A or Guy B because the writers won't introduce any other characters. I broke up with more than one perfectly nice guy who treated me well just because we weren't compatible *enough*, they weren't *enough* of what I knew was needed to make a marriage work for the rest of our lives. One wanted to marry me and even though I loved him, I knew that if I married him, I'd be settling and we'd both end up regretting it. It hurts to hurt someone you care about, but better to break up than be in a miserable marriage and divorce.
When you meet the right person, like a pp said, you know. If you're weighing one against the other with a pro & con list, then frankly neither one of them is probably right. Not that I'm saying expect perfection, but you're also giving very immature reasons why you are leaning toward one of the other - you say nothing about common goals, shared values, financial compatibility, relationships with extended family, thoughts on kids, wanting the same things in life, etc. The kind of things that really make or break marriages. It's mostly about whether or not one or the other wants to marry you, or might want to marry you someboday; not about whether they're the right person for you to marry. You can love a lot of people in your life -- just because you love someone doesn't mean you should marry them.
Cut Bob out, get your own place and break it off with Dave, go to counseling and plan on being single for awhile.
I could tell you all of this, but I figured people wouldn't care to know. Trust me, I have all of this information in my head. I guess I'm portraying the more "immature" reasons here because A. I didn't think people cared about the rest and B. I want to maintain anonymous.
I'm planning on doing counseling and breaking it off with Dave.
I agree that this is really unfair to Dave. And if he knew the extent of things he'd probably rethink marrying you. Unless he's like that dude Leah married after Corey. And we all know how desperate that looked. I think you should break things off with Dave to give him a fair chance at real love.
I only read the first page but had to commend you on your Teen Mom knowledge here gypsy.
OP: it sounds like you need some time to think things though by yourself. If either Bob or Dave is really "the one" they will understand this and be willing to wait you out. If not, then I'm sure there's a Steve or Dan waiting in the wings.
I didn't read all the posts so this question may have been answered: why do you love Bob? You listed some of the reasons that you loved Dave in your OP--what about Bob?
And what is "...there's so much more I could talk about." mean? There's more to the story?