"I'm not a babysitter..."

[Saudade]

I'm sorry Lilly. But you're way too smart to be putting up with this. You deserve better and your daughter deserves better. There is no way I would be ok with this kind of behavior. I would try counseling and go from there.

Is he willing to go to counseling?

[ssmjlm]

Based on your follow-up responses, it's time for a 3rd party.

Either he starts pulling his weight in some capacity, either working more, so you can work less, or helping with household and child stuff or you're just going to resent him more and get more angry.

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2013 11:11:50 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

I am so sorry Lilly. I agree with littlemermaid: if he is going to expect you to do everything related to childrearing then you are going to quit working or at least cut back dramatically. I would give him a time frame and then follow through. I do not see how you are going to avoid feeling resentful otherwise. Do you have any idea of why he is so uninterested in his daughter? Does he tend to avoid adult responsibilities in other areas?

I guess I just feel like I would be just as stressed staying home an extra day as I would at work. I like my job and I don't really WANT to stay home an extra day. I know he loves V, but he is just really selfish and somehow feels entitled to several hours a day of "alone" time. He pays someone to mow the grass, service his car, fix everything around the house, etc. He does the dishes, but that is pretty much the extent of anything productive that he does outside of working. He seems to lack the ability to push himself to doing anything that is uncomfortable for him. It isn't that he totally ignores her-- he does play keep away and talk to her and stuff...he just very rarely takes full responsibility for her so I feel like I never get a break.

[Deleted]

I've asked him before about going to counseling and he just laughs. I guess I either need to be more serious about it or he needs to shape up. I appreciate everyone's input. It just makes me sad...I really had a totally different idea of how this parenting thing was going to go and it breaks my heart to think I might not get to have a second baby because he won't buck up and be a responsible parent.

[littlemermaid]

Apr 3, 2013 11:24:09 GMT -5 Mrs.Syntax said:

Apr 3, 2013 11:09:01 GMT -5 anna7602 said:

Also, not trying to be provocative here, but the "threaten to be a SAHM" thing is not so cool. Even SAHMs deserve an engaged co-parent.

You're right, and to me, SAHM'ing would be totally hellacious without any kind of break from responsibility. I have a great H who shares duties really well when he's not at work, and even still, I feel like I'm going to pull my hair out sometimes.

That's when she hires a babysitter to give herself a break.    I've been a sahm for 12 years, I know what it is like to be one.  She doesn't deserve to work full-time and also do everything at home while he sleeps in for 4 days.  He can get off his butt and work more days instead of sleeping in and playing video games on the days he's off.

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2013 10:44:33 GMT -5 @246baje said:

The response to "I'm not the babysitter" is "you're right you are her Dad and that behooves you to get off your ass and help me raise her".

I would not let this go. His behaviour is unacceptable.

This is exactly how I would have handled the comment.

I would keep talking. I could not handle this resentment and it would ruin my feelings towards him.

[littlemermaid]

Apr 3, 2013 11:31:59 GMT -5 @lilly said:

Apr 3, 2013 11:11:50 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

I am so sorry Lilly. I agree with littlemermaid: if he is going to expect you to do everything related to childrearing then you are going to quit working or at least cut back dramatically. I would give him a time frame and then follow through. I do not see how you are going to avoid feeling resentful otherwise. Do you have any idea of why he is so uninterested in his daughter? Does he tend to avoid adult responsibilities in other areas?

I guess I just feel like I would be just as stressed staying home an extra day as I would at work. I like my job and I don't really WANT to stay home an extra day. I know he loves V, but he is just really selfish and somehow feels entitled to several hours a day of "alone" time. He pays someone to mow the grass, service his car, fix everything around the house, etc. He does the dishes, but that is pretty much the extent of anything productive that he does outside of working. He seems to lack the ability to push himself to doing anything that is uncomfortable for him. It isn't that he totally ignores her-- he does play keep away and talk to her and stuff...he just very rarely takes full responsibility for her so I feel like I never get a break.

If staying home is not what you want then don't even consider that option.  It really isn't for everyone, to each their own.  But then you will just have to start leaving him with her for extended amounts of time.  I think you know he will never do anything that will put his daughter in jeopardy( at least I hope not).  Maybe he complains to you so that way you just won't leave her with him.  You need to ignore his comments and go about your business.  Plus the older she gets the easier they become to entertain them and for the kids to entertain themselves.  He really does need to find his own groove in interacting with her(your way is not the only right way!!).  So just start leaving her with him and let him interact with her in his own way.  Your daughter also has to learn that not everyone is going to interact with her like mommy does.

[h]

I don't think you should work less if you don't want to--and I agree that "threatening" to SAH is not the right call here. But I do think he should work more if he is being totally unproductive on his days off. He doesn't need that much leisure time. If he isn't co-parenting (which would obviously be the ideal), he ought to at least be contributing to the household in other ways while you are taking on full responsibility for your DD. I realize that him working more wouldn't get you the break that you need and deserve, but it might help to address some of the resentment you feel while he sleeps in and then enjoys his alone time.

[Deleted]

Lilly- This sucks. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Do you think your DH is depressed? Your comment about him laughing off counseling, and the staying up late playing video games thing, makes me think he isn't " showing up" in any part of his marriage, and maybe lots of parts of his life? I think there needs to be a serious discussion about the future of your family where you lay out all the scenarios, and how they would affect the three of you.

[egeiger]

Stop cooking his meals. Stop doing his laundry. Stop buying his deodorant. And when he bitches, tell them that they aren't high on your priority list. And if he would help with the household duties in his off time instead of playing games, maybe he could make time to do those things himself. He doesn't add anything to your marriage (from your description) and I wouldn't stand for it. Or charge him whatever you would charge a roommate since that is how he is behaving.

[pierogigirl]

Apr 3, 2013 11:35:15 GMT -5 @lilly said:

I've asked him before about going to counseling and he just laughs. I guess I either need to be more serious about it or he needs to shape up. I appreciate everyone's input. It just makes me sad...I really had a totally different idea of how this parenting thing was going to go and it breaks my heart to think I might not get to have a second baby because he won't buck up and be a responsible parent.

This makes me so sad for you.  Does he think you're not serious about counseling?  It sounds like he thinks everything is going fine and your heart is breaking.  Does he "get" how distressed you are and would he make some changes if he believed you?  If not, that would be a deal-breaker for me.  I hope he sees the light.  You and V deserve better.

[londoncalling]

Your responses tell me that it's probably time for counseling.

You deserve to be able to choose to work and have a supportive co-parent and partner. You also deserve to have a husband who is interested in your feelings and physical and mental well being. It doesn't really sound like he's all that worried about the fact that you are telling him there's a problem.

[ECB]

Apr 3, 2013 11:35:15 GMT -5 @lilly said:

I've asked him before about going to counseling and he just laughs. I guess I either need to be more serious about it or he needs to shape up. I appreciate everyone's input. It just makes me sad...I really had a totally different idea of how this parenting thing was going to go and it breaks my heart to think I might not get to have a second baby because he won't buck up and be a responsible parent.

I'm going to say - you're sad.  It's not until you actually get MAD that anything is going to change.  Right now you say you won't divorce him over this.  But do you really feel that you can continue like this w/o it affecting your marriage in the long run?  Do you really feel that in 2, 5, 10 years you'll be HAPPY still being married to him while you're still doing "Everything"?  AND you only have 1 child instead of the 2 you really wanted? 

I'm NOT saying "divorce him" - but if you have any feeling at all that eventually, it could go that route, TELL HIM. Tell him that this is serious and you're starting to resent him more and more and more.  You all need help and if he isn't willing to work on your marriage - you don't see it lasting.

BUT none of this can be said if you don't actually believe it.  If you really think you can just "accept" this about him and continue on forever - then you really will have to just sit back and accept it.

I just don't believe that would really be the outcome, though. Eventually this issue is going to break your relationship - even if you never actually left, it will break things. 

And really- I'm just floored that his response to doing the bare minimum that he does now is that he's not a babysitter.  The selfishness he displays.... I'm speechless.

[halfpint]

Good luck, Lilly. I'd push for counseling. You're not happy. That's reason enough. All other issues aside, he needs to take you seriously, and he's not.

[mrssandro]

I think the lack of parenting he wants to do is not acceptable. I would not just let it go. I would push for counseling if you really want to have this marriage work. I think if you keep going like this it would not end well.

[rex]

Oh, hell no.

Heads would roll if my H ever said this to me. And I would not let it go.

[mellymel]

@lilly, I'm sorry. I do think this needs to be seriously addressed now. You WILL grow to resent him more and more as time goes on and nothing changes. And you will really resent the fact that you won't feel like you can have a 2nd child because all the responsibility falls on you. I think other PPs have given some constructive advice. I know that one thing that helps when DH and I aren't aligned is to really sit down and explain how the other's actions are affecting us (gosh, that sounds like an intervention). But it works. So maybe you just need to keep telling him how you feel and how his behaviors are affecting you.

How do you think he would react if you started going to individual counseling without him (since he doesn't seem interested)?

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2013 12:02:38 GMT -5 mellymel said:

How do you think he would react if you started going to individual counseling without him (since he doesn't seem interested)?

He would probably be glad because he thinks I need to because of anxiety issues that I have. Honestly, though, I think my anxiety would be better if things were better than him. I get the feeling he thinks most of the problem is me. 

[Deleted]

I feel like such a failure. I've already been divorced once. I don't think I can handle being divorced twice. Ugh.

[Willis Jackson]

What does he do when he gets mad at her?

[mellymel]

Apr 3, 2013 12:06:35 GMT -5 @lilly said:

I feel like such a failure. I've already been divorced once. I don't think I can handle being divorced twice. Ugh.

Don't feel like a failure! I really think this is workable. You said you have a good marriage outside of this issue  -  even though it IS a big issue.

Think about what works for him in other areas of life. Does he thrive on positive reinforcement? Or maybe, what is his love language? That might tell you the best ways to approach this issue. I don't think this has to be a dealbreaker. Like PPs have said, he won't change overnight but aim for small incemental changes for now.

Good luck!

[halfpint]

Apr 3, 2013 12:06:35 GMT -5 @lilly said:

I feel like such a failure. I've already been divorced once. I don't think I can handle being divorced twice. Ugh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, this is NOT your failure.  Your H is not delivering on his commitments as a father.  And start with the counseling.  Maybe he doesn't realize how serious your feelings are.

[havarti]

Honestly, if he's that flippant about counseling, I would probably tell DH he wasn't welcome in our home until he was ready to be an equal partner. Some people need to see bottom before they can rise.

eta:  Lilly, I'm so sorry I posted that before I saw your latest update.  You're both doctors right?  Maybe a trusted colleague could talk with him?

[starlily]

Apr 3, 2013 10:44:33 GMT -5 @246baje said:

The response to "I'm not the babysitter" is "you're right you are her Dad and that behooves you to get off your ass and help me raise her".

I would not let this go. His behaviour is unacceptable.

Ditto. That is some straight up bullshit right there. No fucking way I'd let this go.

[daisybuchannan]

Oh boy, I haven't read the responses but I'd be so hurt by that behavior.

I would have a serious conversation and highlight the inequities without attacking him. Maybe you can switch off days you do the morning with her. Id also make sure to point out how important time with the two of them is.

I'm sorry

[aspentosh]

I haven't read all the replies but this would not fly with me. As our pediatrician said in our childbirth class: "Watching your child isn't babysitting, it's parenting". He needs to step up. BIG time.

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2013 12:07:59 GMT -5 Willis Jackson said:

What does he do when he gets mad at her?

He yells (not like screaming out of control, but a yell). He gets frustrated easily. If I wasn't there, he would probably put her in her crib and just let her cry. He did that when I first went back to work and she was a little baby and at least a couple times she threw up because she cried so hard.

[cilantro]

Apr 3, 2013 12:17:20 GMT -5 @lilly said:

Apr 3, 2013 12:07:59 GMT -5 Willis Jackson said:

What does he do when he gets mad at her?

He yells (not like screaming out of control, but a yell). He gets frustrated easily. If I wasn't there, he would probably put her in her crib and just let her cry. He did that when I first went back to work and she was a little baby and at least a couple times she threw up because she cried so hard.

Jesus.  That's awful.  I just want to commend you for being so honest about all this stuff.  A lot of people try to paint their lives and marriages as so perfect on here, they never get honest feedback to help see how bad things really are.

Don't just sit back and take this shit cause you're terrified of a second divorce.  You'll always regret it if you do.  

[ilikedonuts]

If my husband laughed off counseling and refused to help with our child or do anything around the house, his shit would be on the front lawn.

I know that's not helpful advice, but maybe he truly needs a real wake up.

ETA: And if he refused to admit fault and attempt to fix the problems, he would be served divorce papers. Resentment just builds and builds. And I truly don't see how its better in all other aspects.  He basically sucks as a dad and as a partner and laughs at all your suggestions and blows you off. That's pretty much everything right there.

[ellipses84]

I know people suggest counseling on here a lot, but I really think you need a third party opinion on this matter. He isn't holding up his end of the bargain and his lack of participation in your family impacts the life you always planned to have together. How old is your child? I think it is somewhat typical, for the mother to take the majority of the baby duties but the father should help out in other areas and do more as the child gets older. Aside from nagging about helping out more, have you had in depth discussions with him about this? I'm sure he likes his easy lifestyle and he may not even realize how much it bothers you or how you really need things to change.

Tell him you want to discuss something important with him at a specific time. Be prepared to tell him how all of this makes you feel and come up with options for him. He can do wake-up 2x/week and bedtime 2x/week, or whatever else you want, but make it specific, so he is accountable. If he agrees, don't micromanage him when he helps, even if it means you need to leave or lock yourself in another room. If he doesn't agree to that, Option B is counseling, and option C is that he watches your child while you go to individual counseling.

ETA: Just saw your update. I do think you should intervene if he is yelling or getting frustrated, but don't let him off the hook. Teach him how to be a good parent, the routines and things your baby likes, but also encourage him to develop his own routines and special times with her.