"I'm not a babysitter..."

[DarcyLongfellow]

Hugs, Lilly. You're a great mom, and V is lucky to have you.

I agree he sounds depressed. And if he won't go to counseling, I don't know what you can do. I really would start with individual counseling and learn how to protect yourself, then see if you can slowly work on getting him to agree to go too.

My DH had some issues when DD was tiny. Part of it was that he really didn't know what to do with her and didn't feel comfortable. Part of it was that I needed to learn to let him do his own thing. Now, he gets up with her many weekend mornings and lets me sleep in, but he lets her watch TV the *entire* time. He also plays with her, feeds her, gets her dressed, etc, but the TV being on Disney Junior for two or three hours isn't cool. But I've never said a word to him about it -- if that's how he wants to spend their time together, then I'm not going to criticize. I know you're not there yet -- but after you're able to talk to him and (hopefully) get him to step up a bit, it's something to keep in mind. Obviously taking her to smoke or letting her scream are unacceptable no matter what. But if he finally steps up and it involves him playing online while she watches Elmo, I'd take it.

I hope the email helped.

[KaraOrNot]

Oh man, what a messed up situation. I don't have any additional advice, but I hope things work out you (either together OR on your own).

[zeewifeandmama]

((( lily ))) hope this situation gets better for you....whether together or apart!

[carolinagirl831]

Hugs lily, I think it's great you emailed him your feelings and directly spelled it out.
I think supergreen gave great advice with a similar situation.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are NOT a failure though. You are a strong and successful woman and a wonderful mother. (Hugs) You deserve so much better than this and I hope you get it soon.

[salliekate]

Oh man, I'm so sorry. This is a horrible, complex, emotional situation that you have to sort through. Is it possible he is depressed? I have PPD/PPA, and when life is overwhelming (which was pretty much constantly before meds) I would just check out. If I ignored the kids, put on TV or whatever, then they didn't exist and I didn't have to do anything. I didn't have to feel like an inadequate parent. I didn't have to feel anything. Could that be the case with your H? Meds and counseling have helped me tremendously. Most days I feel "normal" and want to engage and play with my kids. And when I have a bad day/afternoon/hour, I have the strategies to cope with it instead of putting my kids in their cribs.

Whether it's depression or not, I think y'all need to have a series of heart-to-hearts (if he won't go to a counselor) about the root of the issue. Does he feel like he's a bad parent? Why doesn't he want to engage with her? Does he think she's boring? Etc. My H took care of the kids when they were younger, but he's just now starting to really enjoy them and look forward to taking them to the park or the store (we have twins who are 2.5yo and a 1.5yo). If he can't talk to you about this and dig deep enough to really figure out what's going on inside, then you should definitely explore your options.

You are NOT a failure. You just aren't. Seriously. Don't beat yourself up over this.

(((Hugs)))

[nonsenseabound]

Ditto to everyone else. My husband was a little clueless at the beginning and when I was on maternity leave he would come home kiss me and baby and then go on a run for an hour. After about 5 days of this, I told him that he needs to come home and spend time with his kid and give me a break. He changed his evening schedule and allowed me time for me. It only took one frustrated request and he saw the problem.

This is a marriage and a father. Parenting is a shared role, not always 50/50 but shared.

I will give you one idea to start that is short of leaving V alone with him, he gets one job for the first month. Whether that is he does bathtime and reading or morning breakfast, etc etc. DH always did everything up to nursing in our evening routine. It will atleast get things moving in the right direction. After that, you can both work your way up and he's not expected to parent after months of not parenting. I don't think it's fair to either him or V to drop him in the deep end. It's just an idea.

[foundmylazybum]

Hi..I just wanted to say that maybe being really concrete with your husband might work as a change. Setting up very specific jobs and times that you spend with your daughter. Someone else mentioned the bedtime/bathtime routine--that has a specific start and end time--it's not vague, it has roles and responsibilities.

Right now something I noticed is that YOU seem very good at getting up in the morning and figuring out on your OWN what needs to be done--laundry, feeding, cleaning--and then the concept of "playing" with your daughter.

Um...to be honest--a LOT of men seem to have trouble with this concept...if it's not specifically laid out then they get confused, frustrated etc.

Maybe it wasn't clearly laid out for your husband "you are going to take V for an hour and during that hour you are going to do xyz with her." And because--as you said he's an only child, and remember he's new at this too--he doesn't actually KNOW what to do with her.

Is it extra work for YOU to lay that out for him? Yeah, it is--is it frustrating to have to lay that out for him? Yeah probably--but could it reap extra benefits for all of you--as he figures it out? Yeah, it really could.

Might be something to try.

[fivemutts]

I had something similar b going on after my son was born. We are both attorneys and work a lot of hours and then I was coming home and doing every single thing for my son and around the house.

We had lots of fights about it, he would continue to just watch t.v.and not really interact. He liked the baby when he was tiny and he could hold him and watch tv but after that he was losing interest.

When our son was 8 months old, my husband did something horrible and stupid and hurtful and I kicked him out for awhile. He lived with friends and went to individual counseling and they immediately saw that he was depressed which was making him check out of his life with me and my son.

Our son is now eighteen months and loves his daddy as much as he lives me and lights up the second he sees him. My husband is a different person and father on medication. He is every bit the father I imagined he could be. He does 100% of mornings and daycare drop off as I leave the house before anyone wakes up.

I think the difference here is that you can't fix him.I couldn't fix my husband. It was not until he hit absolute rock bottom and faced losing everything that he kicked his life into high gear and got himself help. One he did he had worked every day since then to make things right between us and to be the father our son deserves.

I didn't recognize depression because it's not something I had dealt with before, but it is real and can ruin lives if left untreated. I was blaming everything on laziness.

[galaxy8227]

I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with this. DH and I both work full-time plus I have a 2nd night job about 2-3 nights a week. We both get alone time, we both get time off with friends or for activities. We both get time to sleep in. We just have a schedule, it does seem "rigid" at times but it works really well for our family.

The idea that he left her in the crib to scream until she threw up really worries me. Most of what I would normally say to do with a non involved parent I don't think I'd want you to do if he's like this with her. I'd want to be in couseling and possibly taking some time off if this was happening wiht my child. I'm sorry

[Ashley&Scott]

Lilly my heart breaks for you & V. You are not a failure, you are a great mother.

His past actions while caring for V worry me, I wouldn't be comfortable leaving him alone with her either. I agree with the others, he sounds like he could be depressed. Repeatedly ignoring your family to stay up late, sleep in, play video games & surf the internet is not normal behavior. Was he this withdrawn before V was born?

I think the email was a good way to approach this since talking about it hasn't worked in the past. Hopefully seeing it in writing will help him realize this is a real problem.

Hugs Lilly, I hope things get better soon.

[vanillacourage]

Apr 4, 2013 8:50:04 GMT -5 foundmylazybum said:

Right now something I noticed is that YOU seem very good at getting up in the morning and figuring out on your OWN what needs to be done--laundry, feeding, cleaning--and then the concept of "playing" with your daughter.

Um...to be honest--a LOT of men seem to have trouble with this concept...if it's not specifically laid out then they get confused, frustrated etc.

Maybe it wasn't clearly laid out for your husband "you are going to take V for an hour and during that hour you are going to do xyz with her."

Hold up - what?

If the baby is hungry, you feed it.
If the house is dirty, it needs to be cleaned.
If the baby is fussing, you put down the video game controller and tend to them.

Realizing what is going on and what needs to be done is part of being an adult.  Why do we give men this sort of latitude?

[foundmylazybum]

Apr 4, 2013 12:28:17 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Apr 4, 2013 8:50:04 GMT -5 foundmylazybum said:

Right now something I noticed is that YOU seem very good at getting up in the morning and figuring out on your OWN what needs to be done--laundry, feeding, cleaning--and then the concept of "playing" with your daughter.

Um...to be honest--a LOT of men seem to have trouble with this concept...if it's not specifically laid out then they get confused, frustrated etc.

Maybe it wasn't clearly laid out for your husband "you are going to take V for an hour and during that hour you are going to do xyz with her."

Hold up - what?

If the baby is hungry, you feed it.
If the house is dirty, it needs to be cleaned.
If the baby is fussing, you put down the video game controller and tend to them.

Realizing what is going on and what needs to be done is part of being an adult.  Why do we give men this sort of latitude?

I don't know why he has that kind of latitude in their relationship? Ask the OP--because he DOES have it. I'm not saying it's okay.

It's fine to say or think that he SHOULD realize these things..but he's not..so now what? Part of being an adult is also communicating EFFECTIVELY and beyond that assertively--and after reading 6 pages of this, I had to wonder if they are really doing that.

It looks to me like the OP and her husband have a lot of assumptions going on within their relationship and not a lot of straight up clear, concise, and controlled communication. She assumes he SHOULD know these things--and they aren't happening...and he's assuming she's gonna take care of everything.  So clearly--he doesn't. She can keep on assuming and doing her thing..quietly fuming and saying to herself "WTF...he sucks at parenting/cleaning/etc etc."  And he gets to keep on taking advantage of her and playing XBOX 360 and going to the cigar bar--which is totally not okay.

OR she can start communicating with him. And by communicating--I mean really sitting down with him NOT in the heat of the moment--stating the problem, explaining her feelings on the matter--and HIS feelings on the matter, asking for some CLEAR reasonable changes--and then listing out some of the outcomes that can happen if those changes happen.

[foundmylazybum]

Apr 4, 2013 13:07:31 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Apr 4, 2013 12:41:38 GMT -5 foundmylazybum said:

I don't know why he has that kind of latitude in their relationship? Ask the OP--because he DOES have it. I'm not saying it's okay.

It's fine to say or think that he SHOULD realize these things..but he's not..so now what? Part of being an adult is also communicating EFFECTIVELY and beyond that assertively--and after reading 6 pages of this, I had to wonder if they are really doing that.

It looks to me like the OP and her husband have a lot of assumptions going on within their relationship and not a lot of straight up clear, concise, and controlled communication. She assumes he SHOULD know these things--and they aren't happening...and he's assuming she's gonna take care of everything.  So clearly--he doesn't. She can keep on assuming and doing her thing..quietly fuming and saying to herself "WTF...he sucks at parenting/cleaning/etc etc."  And he gets to keep on taking advantage of her and playing XBOX 360 and going to the cigar bar--which is totally not okay.

OR she can start communicating with him. And by communicating--I mean really sitting down with him NOT in the heat of the moment--stating the problem, explaining her feelings on the matter--and HIS feelings on the matter, asking for some CLEAR reasonable changes--and then listing out some of the outcomes that can happen if those changes happen.

This is ridiculous. Because he has a penis, it's not Lilly's responsibility to explain that shit needs to get done. Seriously--re-read what you wrote. See the onus you put on HER for his failures? He isn't parenting safely and effectively because Lilly didn't specifically say "here is what you do with the baby for an hour"? Give me a frickin break.



I know! She could just keep on assuming, and fuming and eventually you guys can convince her to get a divorce!!  

[ECB]

Apr 4, 2013 13:17:45 GMT -5 foundmylazybum said:

Apr 4, 2013 13:07:31 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

I know! She could just keep on assuming, and fuming and eventually you guys can convince her to get a divorce!!  

I think that quite a few people told her to TALK to him, in a non-"heat of the moment" moment.

it's your defense of "a LOT of men seem to have trouble with this concept...if it's not
specifically laid out then they get confused, frustrated etc." that gets a huge "WTF?". 

To lay out sweeping generalizations like this as an excuse for his lack of effort in their marriage...  come on. 

ETA: My efforts to fix that quote above didn't work.  I know jenny1980 didn't say this.

[winecat]

Be careful. You are teaching your daughter what kind of behavior to accept from her future spouse. You both deserve a real partner and dad.

[foundmylazybum]

Apr 4, 2013 13:49:29 GMT -5 ECB said:

Apr 4, 2013 13:17:45 GMT -5 foundmylazybum said:

I think that quite a few people told her to TALK to him, in a non-"heat of the moment" moment.

it's your defense of "a LOT of men seem to have trouble with this concept...if it's not
specifically laid out then they get confused, frustrated etc." that gets a huge "WTF?". 

To lay out sweeping generalizations like this as an excuse for his lack of effort in their marriage...  come on. 

ETA: My efforts to fix that quote above didn't work.  I know jenny1980 didn't say this.

Sure I said that ONE TIME but I fail to see where I've defended it.

Also. That wasn't the main point or argument I made--in any of my posts. That's why "I" have not brought it up again, however I definitely see where others are focusing on that as a point...despite the fact that it's not mine.

[chalupabatman]

You guys absolutely need to both do counseling. We used to have a similar dynamic, without kids. Turns out DH has ADD and depression, I have anxiety and control issues. Thanks to meds and counseling we are happier than we have ever been.