"I'm not a babysitter..."

[Willis Jackson]

I understand why you're reluctant to leave him with her. He needs to go to counseling. I don't know how to make him understand that, though.

[h]

Apr 3, 2013 12:17:20 GMT -5 @lilly said:

Apr 3, 2013 12:07:59 GMT -5 Willis Jackson said:

What does he do when he gets mad at her?

He yells (not like screaming out of control, but a yell). He gets frustrated easily. If I wasn't there, he would probably put her in her crib and just let her cry. He did that when I first went back to work and she was a little baby and at least a couple times she threw up because she cried so hard.

Ugh.  He sounds like my dad--who is a great doctor and a generally decent guy, but was not at all good at parenting small children, frustrated easily, left my mom to do everything (which made more sense for them because he worked all.the.time and she was a SAHM). 

None of this is okay--not the way he is treating you, and not the way he is treating your daughter.  I do think the problems are fixable, but I think you need some pretty swift and serious action.  Sit him down, explain to him how serious this is, and to get him into counseling stat.  Getting him around some good parenting role models or into some sort of parenting class seems like it would be a good idea as well.

[hocus]

Apr 3, 2013 11:35:15 GMT -5 @lilly said:

I've asked him before about going to counseling and he just laughs. I guess I either need to be more serious about it or he needs to shape up. I appreciate everyone's input. It just makes me sad...I really had a totally different idea of how this parenting thing was going to go and it breaks my heart to think I might not get to have a second baby because he won't buck up and be a responsible parent.

 I'd really consider leaving. You're acting as a single parent so you might considering if being one would be better. I'd certainly try counseling first, but I don't think that really men need to be told that they need to help out with the kids. My husband (also an only child) does a lot with the kids and I don't have to ask. We have 2 kids we alternate putting one down vs. the other. We're both "on" during out days off and evenings and we both take time for our own personal interests. We share the few household chores we do. Overall the biggest issue is who gets up at 7:00 AM (and I'm the one that doesn't want to get up. I should really be better about it).

 I know you say that your marriage is good overall but I just don't believe you. You have a child and that child will be with you for 18+ years. There is no way to avoid the stain that parenting issues is putting on the other elements of your marriage. DO you really feel like having sex at the end of day when you've done all the parenting? What common interests are you sharing right now? Aside from your kid what do you talk about most?

[barefootcontessa]

Apr 3, 2013 12:06:35 GMT -5 @lilly said:

I feel like such a failure. I've already been divorced once. I don't think I can handle being divorced twice. Ugh.

Hugs to you.  It would take more than this for me to divorce my husband as well so I can relate.  It seems to me that you have correctly identified that all you can control is your own actions.  You cannot make him do anything, no matter how much you nag him or try to force him.  So I guess you need to figure out what you can do that will make things less stressful for you and make you feel less resentful.  If that is not cutting back on work, then maybe the babysitter is the route to go.  I can see why this makes you really sad though.  You were expecting a team effort here.  I think you are wise to put the idea of another child on hold for now.  I hope things get better.  

[anna7602]

Apr 3, 2013 12:24:05 GMT -5 Willis Jackson said:

I understand why you're reluctant to leave him with her. He needs to go to counseling. I don't know how to make him understand that, though.

I agree. Before I saw your response to Willisaurus's question, I was about to say that individual counseling may help you while you convince him to go to joint counseling. But now that I am piecing together how easily he gets frustrated, how much "me" time he needs to decompress, etc., I really think HE could benefit from individual therapy. I think some people really do feel more overwhelmed than the average person by becoming a parent and it seems like he is one of these, and like he could really use outside help to come to terms with his feelings and work to improve his reaction.

[ssmjlm]

Please Lily, my heart breaks with your updates. What he is doing is not ok, for either you or V. He needs to see that what he is doing is wrong.

We have former friends like this, it never gets better if you don't treat it. Even counseling is only helping them so much b/c the husband just doesn't get it.

[bunch]

I'm so sorry, Lilly. Sometimes when H gets frustrated with dd, I have to walk him through the appropriate response. It definitely makes a difference though that we're one the same page about parenting styles.

Dh likes to spend time with dd, but he's not always good about planning activities, so I do that for him. Ill drop them off together at the zoo or children's museum and run errands. He always seems really pleased with himself when he successfully navigates an outing on his own. I'm also really big on him having his own duties. He runs bath time, teeth and jammies and gives me pointers if I have to do it.

I agree that any of these tactics will be useless if he has a bad attitude and doesn't want to be involved. I would absolutely be adamant about counseling.

[sproutmd]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I know this isn't helpful, but my mind is blown that a doctor would leave a baby crying in a crib for that long. I am just so sorry. I hope you can make some lists to present to him on your expectations, and stick to them. I hope he gets on board before he loses his family. Best of luck.

[vanillacourage]

I don't really have anything constructive to say, because I am just aghast. 

I think you need to lay it all out for him - that if things don't change you'd honestly consider divorce.  Ask him to tell you how your life would be substantially different if you were a single parent.  Put it on him to think about how much he really contributes.

I'm really sorry Lily.  What you've said is really bad and I hope things change for the better. 

[Deleted]

I just read your updates, I take back my original " just leave her with him" plan. He is not a capable parent if he brings his infant to smoke cigars, and leaves a newborn to cry in a crib until she vomits.

Does he have a father? Was his father a good parent? Could you ask his Dad to talk to him? I honestly would leave a sittuation where I felt unsafe leaving my child with my husband alone. I am so sorry, you are a smart caring woman who doesn't deserve this.

[Deleted]

I'm no help. If his position is, this is it and I'm not going to change, I would leave. We split things fairly evenly - we each have a weekend morning that we get up with her and we switch off night time routine. It's not always exact, but the expectation is that we share so it's not me asking for a favor or vice versa if one of us asks the other to cover the evening. We've also recently starting sharing dinner duty (for all of us) - before it was more fend for yourself. I couldn't function if it was all on me always.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry Lilly. My only advice would be to sit down and really have a heart to heart but it sounds like it may go over his head.

Does he realize what you are doing - how much time you spend with her, etc? What does he think you do all day when you all are home? What does he think V is doing? Does he connect the dots that you are with her all the time?

[ijack]

This isn't okay. This isn't a "I wish my husband would sweep more" sort of problem. This is a "my husband isn't a parent and it's not safe to leave my kid with him" problem (because IMO if he lets her CIO as an infant until she pukes and smokes around her, it isn't safe).
You need to put your foot down. Either he steps up or he's gone. I'm sorry he's such a jackass, but this isn't acceptable.

[ijack]

This isn't okay. This isn't a "I wish my husband would sweep more" sort of problem. This is a "my husband isn't a parent and it's not safe to leave my kid with him" problem (because IMO if he lets her CIO as an infant until she pukes and smokes around her, it isn't safe).
You need to put your foot down. Either he steps up or he's gone. I'm sorry he's such a jackass, but this isn't acceptable.

[ijack]

This isn't okay. This isn't a "I wish my husband would sweep more" sort of problem. This is a "my husband isn't a parent and it's not safe to leave my kid with him" problem (because IMO if he lets her CIO as an infant until she pukes and smokes around her, it isn't safe).
You need to put your foot down. Either he steps up or he's gone. I'm sorry he's such a jackass, but this isn't acceptable.

[pugz]

Huge hugs Lilly. You've received some great advice here. This is not your fault. You are a great mom

[Deleted]

I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said already. Your husband is being a lazy asshole and a neglectful parent. I too have a husband that often stays up until 2 AM playing video games... but he gets up at the same time DD and I do in the morning and has never once bitched or moaned about it. He knows that if he makes a choice to stay up late, he is making the choice to get less sleep because wake-up time is not dependent on when you went to bed with a baby around.

With your other updates, I would be laying down an ultimatum AND FOLLOWING THROUGH on it. Whether the ultimatum is that he shape up or get kicked out, or go to counseling or get kicked out, whatever, I would make for damn sure he knows there will be big time trouble in his future if things do not change quickly.

Also, you are not a failure. My parents are actually both on their third marriages (each of them was married twice before they met and married each other and are still married after 33 years). They are happy together and there is no shame in their history at all. It has never crossed my mind. I'm not saying you should or will get a second divorce but IF you do, it will be because you're wise and strong and doing the right thing for you and your daughter, not because you're a failure.

[liveintheville]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. And I'm really really angry for you. What a sucky situation. I would at least go to counseling by yourself just to get some tools for how to handle it. 
I don't know. As long as it's physically safe to leave her with her dad, I'd be leaving in the mornings you have off and making him deal with it. Just tell him you're leaving at 8 and you'll be back by x time. He'll have to get up and take care of her. It will be rough knowing he'll only be doing the minimum necessary, but it won't kill either of them.

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2013 12:05:41 GMT -5 @lilly said:

Apr 3, 2013 12:02:38 GMT -5 mellymel said:

How do you think he would react if you started going to individual counseling without him (since he doesn't seem interested)?

He would probably be glad because he thinks I need to because of anxiety issues that I have. Honestly, though, I think my anxiety would be better if things were better than him. I get the feeling he thinks most of the problem is me. 

This also sounded like us. I did post on MM and got tons of feedback. I printed it all out. Asked H to reserve an afternoon for us to seriously talk. We went through the MM posts. We ended up discussing and agreeing on potential solutions and also agreed to see a counselor together. It was great to stop feeling like I was the problem, and that all my ideas (or expectations) are over the top. The MM posts were not 1-sided, so that may have helped.

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2013 13:32:36 GMT -5 BirdGirl said:

I'm no help. If his position is, this is it and I'm not going to change, I would leave. We split things fairly evenly - we each have a weekend morning that we get up with her and we switch off night time routine. It's not always exact, but the expectation is that we share so it's not me asking for a favor or vice versa if one of us asks the other to cover the evening. We've also recently starting sharing dinner duty (for all of us) - before it was more fend for yourself. I couldn't function if it was all on me always.

this 100%

If I didn't have him to rely on as a co-parent, why the hell did I have a kid with him?

[dr.girlfriend]

My initial response was that you just each have to pick two days to be the primary caregiver, and that it was just laziness / unfamiliarity preventing him from taking the initiative. But, based on your follow-ups? Whoa. He is yelling at, neglecting, and endangering your child. That is not something I would consider workable. Saying, "I know he loves her but..." doesn't cut it for me. How do you know he loves her? Because he cares for her, sees that her needs are met, looks out for her, and treats her kindly? Or because he says he loves her and occasionally shows affection when it's convenient for him to do so?

Urgh, I can't stop thinking about this.  If you can't trust a man alone with his own child, how can you trust him with everything else?  To be there for you when you are sick, to spend the rest of your life with him?  To me a second divorce is much less of a black mark than raising a child in an environment where her father treats her like an annoyance.

[satsuma]

I'm going to second the thought that this might be depression. It would be my first thought if I heard a mom was this uninterested in her child. Now where to go with that if he doesn't think there's a problem and is uninterested in counseling? I dunno. I guess that's where individual counseling might help sort that out. Should it even be your responsibility to get him help? Ugh, such a crappy situation. I'm sorry and I wish I had better advice.

[sewpinkgal]

I'm really sorry Lily. I think you've gotten some good advice here. Please just know this is not you, this is all him.

[jackpackage]

I have nothing to add that hasn't been said, so I'll just offer hugs. You and your daughter deserve so much better.

[rootbeerfloat]

Hugs, Lilly.

[barefootcontessa]

It takes a lot of courage to discuss these things, Lilly. It is hard to know how someone will be once he/she is a parent, so please be gentle with yourself. I hope things get better -- it is great to hear positive stories like Dori's.

[fortmyersbride]

Lily, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. You deserve a strong coparent and a break for you. And your DD deserves for your DH to be more involved and more patient. I hope some of the suggestions pp have given, especially counseling, can help you get the dialog going.

My DH is also an only child and does sometimes retreat to his own world. Sometimes after a rough surgery or a bad call weekend he will need a few hours alone, but he knows he has to come back and participate with family things afterwards. He also wasn't as interactive with our kids when they were infants, but now loves to play with them as toddler and preschoolers. The functional difference was that he responded to my nagging when I told him it was his turn to get up with them, prep their food, bathe them, etc. It's ok to honestly not love every chore associated with your kids, it's not ok to not actively help parent them. I want to kick your DH in the shins right now.

[gibbinator]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I haven't read through all the responses, but my initial thought was you might not feel like divorcing him now, but a year from now? Five years? How long can you be resentful of 24/7 responsibility before you're done? I can't imagine how stressful it must be to not feel safe leaving your child with her FATHER.

He obviously isn't taking you seriously, and as long as you maintain the status quo (you complain, he says he'll step up, he doesn't change, no consequences) you're enabling his poor attitude and laziness. Lay it all out on the table, give him (and yourself) a time line for change, and if he doesn't step up, seriously consider leaving this situation.

[leonard131]

You should NOT feel like a failure.  Parenting so freaking hard and to not feel like you have partner that is in it 100% it is difficult.  I know the resentment feeling because I too had it with H until we had "come to jesus" talk the other night.

When I read this I don't just see an issue of someone not wanting to do the "not so fun" stuff of parenting but someone who doesn't want to be engaged at all  and that isn't OK.  

Have you sat down and asked him what he truly believes being a parent entails in very non confrontational, nonjudgmental way and discuss how your views are very different? 

 

[dexteroni]

(hug) (hug2)
I'm so sorry, lilly. You are not a failure at all. I think going to counseling on your own is a great idea. It will give you someone to talk to, and will hopefully help you figure out what you want to do going forward. I get that you don't want to jump to divorce, but your husband isn't just "not helping enough," he's acting negligently, and in some cases, endangering your DD. I hope something gets through to him, but from what you've told us here, I'm not optimistic. Honestly, as things stand now, your DD would be better off with you as a single mom and a good nanny.