Post by MarmeeNoir on Sept 11, 2013 15:21:31 GMT -5
Telling me that I ''should let it go'' or that "anger is unreasonable" invalidates what happen to me. Your essentially telling me that it couldn't have been that bad.
I'm not the poster child for the noble survivor. It's not what people like to see. Everyone want the victim to pick on up and become better than they would have been. Some can do that and some cant. Sorry, that's not my story and you don't like it.
ETA: or there must be something wrong with me fundamentally because I'm angry.
midnightrae-WHY is it inappropriate to put in in an obit? What about an obituary MAKES it inappropriate. Sure they CAN get attention in other ways, possibly better ways, BUT that does not make doing it through an Obit inappropriate. You have yet to answer this question. You dance around it and come up with alternatives, but that does not answer WHY is it inappropriate.
You don't find them important, you don't think it is a good way to get attention, we all get that. That does not answer the question. Which will garner more attention does not matter. Alternatives do not matter. Taking ONLY the obit, why was it inappropriate.
Because obits are for when the person lived/died and maybe who survived them. Obits should be short and to the point. Nobody wants to read/not everyone cares how much somebody loved or hated someone. Just leave it as a death announcement.
o·bit·u·ar·y
noun: obituary; plural noun: obituaries
1. a notice of a death, esp. in a newspaper, typically including a brief biography of the deceased person.
midnightrae-WHY is it inappropriate to put in in an obit? What about an obituary MAKES it inappropriate. Sure they CAN get attention in other ways, possibly better ways, BUT that does not make doing it through an Obit inappropriate. You have yet to answer this question. You dance around it and come up with alternatives, but that does not answer WHY is it inappropriate.
You don't find them important, you don't think it is a good way to get attention, we all get that. That does not answer the question. Which will garner more attention does not matter. Alternatives do not matter. Taking ONLY the obit, why was it inappropriate.
Because obits are for when the person lived/died and maybe who survived them. Obits should be short and to the point. Nobody wants to read/not everyone cares how much somebody loved or hated someone. Just leave it as a death announcement.
Wait. Wait. So you also think it's inappropriate to express love for the deceased in an obit?
But if you think it's okay to speak the truth, why not the obit? I'm genuinely curious. You said that the abuser shouldn't be protected. Why shouldn't the truth come out in an obit. Written word is written word whether it be a newspaper article, online forum or obit. What gives the obit a special ranking?
An obit has no special ranking. Obits are meaningless to a lot of people. The only reason people write obits is so they can have closure. I think it is weird. Nobody is going to feel the same the people writing the obits feel. Nobody is going to care as much as the person writing it. Sure it may get some attention, but not always the attention that person wanted.
Then maybe they wrote what they did SO THEY COULD HAVE CLOSURE.
I'll add that anger is very rarely useful. In an oppressed group, anger can very often tip the scales too far in the opposite direction and create a new power differential against the oppressors.
It can also lead to haste and bad decisions.
I'd also love to discuss this, and I promise to let reason guide me even if I'm angry.
Are you thinking of a specific example where angry tipped the scales the other direction? What do you mean by the "create a new power differential" part? That the anger rallies people to the side of the oppressor?
Because obits are for when the person lived/died and maybe who survived them. Obits should be short and to the point. Nobody wants to read/not everyone cares how much somebody loved or hated someone. Just leave it as a death announcement.
o·bit·u·ar·y
noun: obituary; plural noun: obituaries
1. a notice of a death, esp. in a newspaper, typically including a brief biography of the deceased person.
So you just don't understand what one IS. Okay.
Typically. Not always. Also, it uses the word BRIEF.
An obit has no special ranking. Obits are meaningless to a lot of people. The only reason people write obits is so they can have closure. I think it is weird. Nobody is going to feel the same the people writing the obits feel. Nobody is going to care as much as the person writing it. Sure it may get some attention, but not always the attention that person wanted.
Then maybe they wrote what they did SO THEY COULD HAVE CLOSURE.
You just invalidated your own argument.
Not really. People can do whatever they want. That still doesn't change what I think should be done. If that is how they want to have closure, fine. That is why I don't read them.
Post by CurlyQ284 on Sept 11, 2013 15:28:36 GMT -5
I think obituaries are oldey timey versions of Facebook statuses. I don't want one when I die, if you don't know I'm dead without reading a newspaper I don't think you need to be at my funeral. I think they are dumb. But if you want to post one, hey cool. If you want to post what a horrible person your mom was in one, I don't see why that's inappropriate.
I think people who think they are being inappropriate are mistaking "inappropriate" for "it makes me feel squicky and I don't like it".
1. a notice of a death, esp. in a newspaper, typically including a brief biography of the deceased person.
So you just don't understand what one IS. Okay.
Typically. Not always. Also, it uses the word BRIEF.
*sigh*alright. Because YOU PERSONALLY feel like obits should ONLY state they died and when and who survived, this is inappropriate as well as every single obituary because they include a brief description of the life of the deceased (AKA-brief biography). This is...ridiculous.
Then maybe they wrote what they did SO THEY COULD HAVE CLOSURE.
You just invalidated your own argument.
Not really. People can do whatever they want. That still doesn't change what I think should be done. If that is how they want to have closure, fine. That is why I don't read them.
Because obits are for when the person lived/died and maybe who survived them. Obits should be short and to the point. Nobody wants to read/not everyone cares how much somebody loved or hated someone. Just leave it as a death announcement.
Wait. Wait. So you also think it's inappropriate to express love for the deceased in an obit?
Although it isn't typical, I feel that is best saved for the funeral/after the funeral. Like I said, the obit should just be left as a death announcement. As I have realized, I'm probably one of the few, but whatever.
I think obituaries are oldey timey versions of Facebook statuses. I don't want one when I die, if you don't know I'm dead without reading a newspaper I don't think you need to be at my funeral. I think they are dumb. But if you want to post one, hey cool. If you want to post what a horrible person your mom was in one, I don't see why that's inappropriate.
I think people who think they are being inappropriate are mistaking "inappropriate" for "it makes me feel squicky and I don't like it".
Maybe inappropriate was a strong word, but I still stand by that it isn't the right place for it.
There's nothing wrong with justified anger. It's a normal human emotion. WRT to the obituary - child abuse is an atrocity, and there's nothing wrong with treating it as such.
If people are uncomfortable with someone else's justified anger, meh, that's their problem.
Perhaps this is their way of gaining closure and feeling free from the wrath of this woman. Is it appropriate, probably not. But maybe it was done in a last ditch effort to gain what could possibly be the only chance they will ever get of getting back at their mother.
I say this only because my BF's dad was abusive and when he died he cried over the loss for a day but then when he broke down the next day, he expressed that he finally felt free and that he could move on with his life.
Post by TrickyBob on Sept 11, 2013 15:37:59 GMT -5
My Mom and her sister despertly wanted to write something like that for my grandma. My grandma wrote her own a few years before her death and it was filled with tons of mushy crap about what a fantastic upstanding person she was. When she did nothing but belittle her kids and grandkids. Right before she died, she told my Mom she never loved her. My Mom cared for that woman in her old age and took care of her day in and day out and those were the last words my Mom really heard from her. She told my brothers and I that we were nothing and would always be nothing. But my grandma had it in her will that the obit couldn't be changed.
People gave my Mom "I'm so sorry your Mom passed, she was such a great woman!" And my Mom said that every time someone commented about how great my grandma was, she felt even smaller because here she was trying to deal with her anger and hurt feelings and the rest of the world wanted her to sob over her Mom.
Her and her sister SO badly wanted to put it out there that she wasn't a nice woman. So I can understand where these kids came from in doing this. I'd be angry too. And I'd rather put it in a harmless obit in the newspaper instead of internalizing it. Will some family be upset? Sure. But they weren't the ones being abused by the woman. Or maybe they were and now those adult kids have someone to talk to about it.
Both of my father's parents had glowing obits, especially his dad. My grandfather was physically, emotionally and I think sexually abusive to his 7 kids. He left the family from time to time to "work" and rarely sent money home. Turns out he had a second family on the side.
Saying that he was an incredible father who raised his kids right was very offensive for me to hear. His children suffered long term abuse and ALL seven of them paid this abuse forward onto their kids, including myself.
Fuck anyone that tells me I am not allowed to speak ill of him, in print or in person.
Mrs. X, a shitastic human being who abused her 8 children for years causing them a lifetime of pain and anger, died Sunday. She will not be missed.
How's that for short?
You forgot her birthdate.
Whoops, my bad.
I need to step away because this thread is making me crazy angry. This whole because I wouldn't do it, it shouldn't be done or I don't understand why anyone would do that BS is crap I have dealt with all my life and all it does is make me angry, sad and then more angry. Who cared if you wouldn't do it or don't undestand it. That doesn't make it wrong or even unreasonable.
I did, I stepped away from the computer and I can back with over 12 notifications saying the same thing. I'm not the one that can't let it go.
AND YET, YOU ARE STILL FUCKING TALKING.
Because everyone keeps responding. From my time of being on this board and TN, if I just leave, apparently it is being I'm being flamed and I'm running away or some shit like that. If you all stop responding, so will I.