Consequences are a bitch.

[Deleted]

Oct 3, 2013 11:55:11 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Oct 3, 2013 11:50:05 GMT -5 @ameliapond said:

Also, I don't know how she did it, but all @stalkermom ever had to do was say "I'm counting to three" and scribellesam & I would do whatever she wanted us to. Who the fuck knows what would happen when she got to three, but I was terrified of it happening.

I'm 32 and if she starts counting my heart starts racing.

I hope to be like this.  LOL.

I feel like my mother parented me in a very different fashion from the way today's American parents parent their children.  There is no right or wrong way to go about these things, but I just know our household was likely rife with behaviors and activity that would dismay many mothers here.

Cross your fingers I can strike a reasonable balance and not become a completely raging tiger mother.

(But, really, who are we kidding?  We already know the sad truth about me and my future ways.)

I have confidence in you! Maybe my mom will chime in and share her secrets now that I've tagged her. 

[Captain Serious]

Oct 3, 2013 11:38:38 GMT -5 Que? said:

Oct 3, 2013 11:34:29 GMT -5 thebuddhagouda said:

I think sometimes they lack the capacity to think about consequences in the future and just want to do what's in the moment. I'm not at all saying you shouldn't stick to your guns. I would do the same thing, absolutely.

I just try to remind myself sometimes that I'm not dealing with an adult when he makes choices that seem to deny all explanation.

Now I feel worse. I know you're right, but I feel like this is a pretty simple equation: do it again and we're not going. I count for this reason. 1 is a warning, 2 is a chance to regulate your behavior, 3 is defiance that I can't abide.

Most of the time, I'm all, she's still a baby. Then, she looks me in the eye and defies me and I see a foe who needs to be put in her place. Ugh.

Don't feel bad.  Her not being able to make choices with the consequences in mind isn't a sign that you are doing anything wrong.  It's a sign that she needs to learn to think ahead, and the way she learns this is by experiencing the consequences of her choices.  When she messes up, it's not a bad thing.  It's what she needs to do to learn.  When you think of it from that perspective, you don't feel as bad about sticking to your guns.

Also, as someone else suggested, try to get a little bit more creative with the consequences, so they don't hurt you as well.  Next time, consider taking her out in a diaper, which is sure to be completely embarrassing to her (and likely to get her to comply and put on underwear), or if you can't wrangle her into one, consider giving her something extra to do around the house (sweeping is always a good one that they can't mess anything up with) because she wasted your time by not getting ready.

I once put M in the car in his pajamas to take him to school because he wouldn't get dressed (he changed his mind at the last minute) and took him to church while he was wearing his dress shirt inside-out (buttoning it himself that way was quite a feat) because he wanted to show his dislike of having to go to church.  We never mentioned that it was inside out and he never did either.  He also never bothered to pull that stunt again in hopes of starting a fight before church and delaying us.

[Deleted]

Oct 3, 2013 11:50:05 GMT -5 @ameliapond said:

@misoangry, I feel like you'll be able to inspire this level of fear/terror in your child.

Thanks?  Hahahahahahahaha.

Because Mr. Miso sure isn't.  I mean, you've met him.

This guy is going to give this little girl the world.  LOL.

[ijack]

Oct 3, 2013 11:38:38 GMT -5 Que? said:

Oct 3, 2013 11:34:29 GMT -5 thebuddhagouda said:

I think sometimes they lack the capacity to think about consequences in the future and just want to do what's in the moment. I'm not at all saying you shouldn't stick to your guns. I would do the same thing, absolutely.

I just try to remind myself sometimes that I'm not dealing with an adult when he makes choices that seem to deny all explanation.

Now I feel worse. I know you're right, but I feel like this is a pretty simple equation: do it again and we're not going. I count for this reason. 1 is a warning, 2 is a chance to regulate your behavior, 3 is defiance that I can't abide.

Most of the time, I'm all, she's still a baby. Then, she looks me in the eye and defies me and I see a foe who needs to be put in her place. Ugh.

You're nicer than me - I only give one warning, the second time she does it she's done.

[eddy]

Oct 3, 2013 11:55:30 GMT -5 luckyval said:

I'll tell ya, I took somebody's advice on here to heart (I think it was LHC or eddy) and we started taking away privileges and, to quote that person "hit him where it hurt".

No tv? No iPod? Taking away bedtime stories?

He was devastated. And it seems to be working

LOL my problem is that TV and electronics have just been erased so now I am like "Uhhhhh what do I take away now lol."

I don't know where to hit him where it hurts anymore.

[EmilieMadison]

Oct 3, 2013 11:25:42 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Do you guys ever yell at your kids?

I'm quite certain that I will yell.

Um, maybe frequently.

Yes. I dont like it, but yes, I'm a yeller. 

[Deleted]

Oct 3, 2013 11:25:42 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Do you guys ever yell at your kids?

I'm quite certain that I will yell.

Um, maybe frequently.

I used to but 1.) it doesn't work, 2.) I realize it really isn't good parenting to do that, and 3.) I hated the cycle of guilt and self hatred it produced.

Now I'm on Zoloft and I'm a much better mom, lol. Things that used to make me want to freak out just roll off my back. Thank god for modern chemistry!

[Deleted]

Oct 3, 2013 11:57:45 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Oct 3, 2013 11:50:05 GMT -5 @ameliapond said:

@misoangry, I feel like you'll be able to inspire this level of fear/terror in your child.

Thanks?  Hahahahahahahaha.

Because Mr. Miso sure isn't.  I mean, you've met him.

This guy is going to give this little girl the world.  LOL.

Well someone has to be the hardass or the little bugger will just run amuck. 

[Deleted]

Oct 3, 2013 12:03:09 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan said:

That reminds me Miso how is your little niece with her eating? Does she still take forever?

She sure does, but at least she feeds herself now.  LOL.

She is a darling child, though.  She's just not a good eater.  That's really her only fault, which means she's a fantastic kid!

[Captain Serious]

Oct 3, 2013 11:55:11 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Oct 3, 2013 11:50:05 GMT -5 @ameliapond said:

Also, I don't know how she did it, but all @stalkermom ever had to do was say "I'm counting to three" and scribellesam & I would do whatever she wanted us to. Who the fuck knows what would happen when she got to three, but I was terrified of it happening.

I'm 32 and if she starts counting my heart starts racing.

I hope to be like this.  LOL.

I feel like my mother parented me in a very different fashion from the way today's American parents parent their children.  There is no right or wrong way to go about these things, but I just know our household was likely rife with behaviors and activity that would dismay many mothers here.

Cross your fingers I can strike a reasonable balance and not become a completely raging tiger mother.

(But, really, who are we kidding?  We already know the sad truth about me and my future ways.)

Many things about how my parents raised me would have people calling CPS, or at least thinking an investigation should be done.  I don't think I was abused, nor to I think that it would be terrible or awful to raise a child that way in a society that had different norms than the one we live in here, today.  It certainly was effective in keeping me out of trouble, although it was always out of fear and never because I thought about what would be best for me and the people around me.  So once I was on my own, without my folks and their discipline around, I had to decide what kind of person I wanted to be and how best to achieve that.

My parents were very strict and very restrictive.  I think I would have handled my first few years of college a lot better if I had more freedom to make mistakes and learn from them as a child.  I didn't realize this until I signed a paper saying I wouldn't use corporal punishment in raising my children and I had to find another way.  When I started reading about different methods, it became clear to me that you can discipline without force and that it might even serve your children better in their futures, even if it makes your present sometimes miserable and chaotic.  I've seen the proof in my boys.

You can be whatever kind of parent you choose to be.  How you were parented doesn't have to predetermine how you will be with your children.

[Deleted]

Uh, my mom wasn't beating us or anything. Nothing she did was CPS-calling-level stuff.

She just didn't do the namby-pamby trying-to-reason-with-your-child bit.

She was in charge, and you knew it.

[Captain Serious]

It's not that I go out of my way to humiliate him. I don't have him standing on the sidewalk wearing a sandwhich board announcing his misdeeds to the world.

It's just that:

1. I told him we were going out.

2. He chose not to get dressed, or to dress inside out.

3. The natural consequences of that are that he had to go out in his pajamas or with his clothes inside out.

Two instances of him seeing that he wasn't going to make me late by refusing to dress or dressing inappropriately was all it took for him to realize that it wasn't a ploy he should use to avoid going somewhere.

[Deleted]

I sense that I will not parent the way you do, Captain Serious.

But you go on wit yo' bad self.

[juliagoulia]

I yell sometimes- but my kid really gets the fear in his eyes when I talk quietly to him. My Mom could do that to me, too. I'm glad I inherited it.

And my mom never spanked me or anything. She didn't have to- we were all terrified but her 'look'. Haha.

[ohiowan]

Oct 3, 2013 11:25:42 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Do you guys ever yell at your kids?

I'm quite certain that I will yell.

Um, maybe frequently.

We never did when he was little, and we rarely were loud in the house.  When he was little and someone raised their voice he'd freak out. Even talking across the room, not yelling. He's 18 months, and when we raise our voices to him now, he knows he's in trouble, pouts a little, and runs over for a hug.

[jreeds]

Oct 3, 2013 11:25:42 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Do you guys ever yell at your kids?

I'm quite certain that I will yell.

Um, maybe frequently.

I do. I try so hard not to, but it happens. DD knows just how to push my buttons. Whoever said it gets better after 3 lied. DD went right from 3 to 14.

[Jermys]

@misoangry, here's the drill. First time is said nicely but firmly. "Edith, it's time to go. Get your shoes on, please."

Second time is just firm with a little bark thrown in. "Edith, I said get your shoes on. Do it now."

Third time is full on drill instructor. "I SAID GET THOSE SHOES ON. DO IT BEFORE I GET IN THERE, OR YOU'RE IN DEEP KIMCHI!"

We almost never get to three. Mean mom is no one's favorite.

[Deleted]

Oct 3, 2013 12:16:29 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

It's not that I go out of my way to humiliate him. I don't have him standing on the sidewalk wearing a sandwhich board announcing his misdeeds to the world.

It's just that:

1. I told him we were going out.

2. He chose not to get dressed, or to dress inside out.

3. The natural consequences of that are that he had to go out in his pajamas or with his clothes inside out.

Two instances of him seeing that he wasn't going to make me late by refusing to dress or dressing inappropriately was all it took for him to realize that it wasn't a ploy he should use to avoid going somewhere.

See this doesn't work if your kids are naked, lol.

[snickers]

Oh man

[eb777888]

I sometimes yell and it is never, ever effective because he just yells over me. I think when he knows I'm pissed and he's in big trouble, extreme calm intimidates him way more.

[rex]

Oct 3, 2013 11:57:45 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Oct 3, 2013 11:50:05 GMT -5 @ameliapond said:

@misoangry, I feel like you'll be able to inspire this level of fear/terror in your child.

Thanks?  Hahahahahahahaha.

Because Mr. Miso sure isn't.  I mean, you've met him.

This guy is going to give this little girl the world.  LOL.

I think I missed that you found out you're having a girl!

Also, this dynamic is exactly my H and I. I am not a yeller but I have boundaries and follow through. My H has already looked at L and said "You can have whatever you want."

Bad Cop = Me.

[Captain Serious]

Oct 3, 2013 12:39:11 GMT -5 @imback said:

Oct 3, 2013 12:16:29 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

It's not that I go out of my way to humiliate him. I don't have him standing on the sidewalk wearing a sandwhich board announcing his misdeeds to the world.

It's just that:

1. I told him we were going out.

2. He chose not to get dressed, or to dress inside out.

3. The natural consequences of that are that he had to go out in his pajamas or with his clothes inside out.

Two instances of him seeing that he wasn't going to make me late by refusing to dress or dressing inappropriately was all it took for him to realize that it wasn't a ploy he should use to avoid going somewhere.

See this doesn't work if your kids are naked, lol.

No, that's when you give them something extra to do around the home, because they wasted your time, and now they have to help you get your work done.  Or some other logical consequence.  All I was suggesting was that it doesn't have to be, "get ready or we're not going," especially since her lack of getting ready indicates she may not want to go in the first place.

[Jermys]

Also, there is no way I'm going out with kids in pajamas or without shoes. I get enough nasty looks if I forget my wedding ring, I'm not compounding that with underdressed or unkempt children. We can't afford those lapses.

[Deleted]

Oct 3, 2013 12:43:40 GMT -5 nuggetbrain said:

Oct 3, 2013 11:23:32 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

I'm scared.

I'm really scared. LOL.

Pffft, I'm fairly sure in your kid's case it would go along the lines of:

Miso: Go put your underpants on.

Misobaby: No mother.  I'd really rather not.

Miso:  I am going to count to three and if you don't have underpants on we're not going to the park.

Misobaby: ....why three?  Seems like such an arbitrary number.

Let's hope she is mini-Mr. and not mini-me.

[Captain Serious]

Oct 3, 2013 12:45:32 GMT -5 Jermys said:

Also, there is no way I'm going out with kids in pajamas or without shoes. I get enough nasty looks if I forget my wedding ring, I'm not compounding that with underdressed or unkempt children. We can't afford those lapses.

This was the hardest thing for me to get over.  Going to church like that, where I know others noticed and judged (One of the older men even came over and said to my husband, "I see you have your hands full lately," and looked M over).  But I kept telling myself it was for his good, and that I shouldn't give a damn what other people thought.  This was about doing the best I could for my child, learning that his choices had consequences was in his best interest, and no one else knows what goes on in our family and can adequately judge us.

[Jermys]

Oct 3, 2013 12:48:17 GMT -5 nuggetbrain said:

Oct 3, 2013 12:45:32 GMT -5 Jermys said:

Also, there is no way I'm going out with kids in pajamas or without shoes. I get enough nasty looks if I forget my wedding ring, I'm not compounding that with underdressed or unkempt children. We can't afford those lapses.

RIGHT?!?!  I took Peanut to Target once without H and forgot my ring (which happens a lot on the weekends) and I got SO MANY LOOKS.  I was like "What is happening here why is everyboOH I GET IT.  SCREW YOU GUYS."

I didn't get it until Edith was like 2 and heard someone mutter something about "welfare" behind me at the store.  Fucking lightbulb!  Now that my real ring is too big, I wear a fake.  I'm not comfortable without it anymore.    

[Deleted]

Oct 3, 2013 12:11:46 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Uh, my mom wasn't beating us or anything. Nothing she did was CPS-calling-level stuff.

She just didn't do the namby-pamby trying-to-reason-with-your-child bit.

She was in charge, and you knew it.

reason with your child?  no way, jose.  hell, i try not to talk much at all when i'm disciplining/directing.  she's too little to get it, she totally glazes over, and it just winds me up and tires me out.  like, she hasn't taken off her shoes?  i point at her feet and say "shoes."  still doesn't?  i point at her feet and say "that's one." 

sure, sometimes i yell, but i try not to mainly because it's not effective.  she thinks she won, i'm exhausted and guilty, and now we're all off track and not doing anything we were supposed to anyway.  yelling is a last resort and usually a sign that i've been talking too much and not doing a good job shutting down the bullshit early enough.

[Mrs. ChanandlerBong]

Oct 3, 2013 11:26:54 GMT -5 eddy said:

Oct 3, 2013 11:25:42 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Do you guys ever yell at your kids?

I'm quite certain that I will yell.

Um, maybe frequently.

More than I ever want to admit.

This is where I am, too.

[Captain Serious]

Oct 3, 2013 12:53:01 GMT -5 Jermys said:

Oct 3, 2013 12:48:17 GMT -5 nuggetbrain said:

RIGHT?!?!  I took Peanut to Target once without H and forgot my ring (which happens a lot on the weekends) and I got SO MANY LOOKS.  I was like "What is happening here why is everyboOH I GET IT.  SCREW YOU GUYS."

I didn't get it until Edith was like 2 and heard someone mutter something about "welfare" behind me at the store.  Fucking lightbulb!  Now that my real ring is too big, I wear a fake.  I'm not comfortable without it anymore.    

Ugh.  This is awful.  I will say, I'm always on my best behavior when we are in a largely Hispanic community/restaurant/store.  I'm always feeling like I'm judged when we have a Hispanic elevator for special education services or when I'm at a doctor's appointment the first/second time with a new specialist and they realize I'm not the mom, but the "adoptive mom."

[TC]

Oct 3, 2013 11:59:41 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

I yell at my 17 month old sometimes, and it makes me feel like such an asshole b/c she is basically still a baby. It's one of the reasons I'm going back on my meds.

The yelling started with my brother and sister before they could walk for the most part and escalated from there. I'm always really confused by these threads and everyone is like "zomg I YELLED, I feel terrible!" and I'm like "Uh...it's a good day when it's just some yelling". And eddy talking about being able to control that hulk rage? I was unaware people knew how to control that before this board.

... I'm gonna need you guys to help me out when I have a baby a very long time from now. 

Reading about normal moms in action simultaneously makes me very very sad and very very excited that maybe I can do that. 

Quesera, you are rocking it. I'm sorry your plans for the day got all jacked up because you had to go and be an awesome mom.