She may mean well but it sounds like she could certainly benefit from a course on how to make suggestions tactfully. Dropping that all on you all at once was harsh. Especially considering that you're losing weight currently, why even bring that up at all? It's obvious you're in the midst of your progress and don't need any "helpful" suggestions in that regard.
Post by MixedBerryJam on Mar 17, 2015 17:09:50 GMT -5
Was this in the context of a conversation? I'm trying to envision you having a heart-to-heart with her about getting ahead, moving forward, going up the corporate ladder, blah blah blah, which would be a terrific conversation to have with a friend/colleague/work bff who's progressing in her career with moves you'd like to emulate, but this sounds like she just plopped this shit on a plate and handed it to you like the cafeteria lady, which is a really sucky thing to do to a friend. Even if she means well, I'm sorry; and I think you should take her feedback and professional advice with the knowledge that she might not be one you actually do want to emulate. Because she has some shit to work on, too.
She needs to read a book about tact. Of course people who are put together with clean clothes and brushed hair and all their teeth go farther. Everyone knows that,so it's not like you were unaware.
Throughout the years, we've all laughed much of this off.
But this particular instance has stung.
Tell her it stung.
I know, I know - you can't change people, blah blah blah. But I think she needs to hear that while you appreciate her frankness on other occasions, this time it hurt.
Post by sofamonkey on Mar 17, 2015 17:25:16 GMT -5
Damn @misoangry. Of course appearance is important, but it isn't everything. That was incredibly shitty of her to say. Also, make up is NOT a requirement for success. Neither is a certain size or whatever. In her pursuit of higher goals, she seems to have forgotten that bit. And now she is projecting her shit onto you.
The worst part about all of this is that you sound like you are believing it, and that makes me sad. You aren't horrendous looking (quite cute, actually), you aren't incapable of doing a great job because you don't wear make-up, nor are you wearing shitty clothes & going to work like some slob.
You are better than buying into this, and better than not telling her that she was too harsh, and hurt your feelings. That is not a good friend. She's just passing the unnecessary pressure to you. Don't buy what she's selling. Believe in yourself more than the bullshit that is falling out of her mouth.
But for real. Does she think you're unaware that you've gained weight? Is anyone unaware when they've gained weight? Why do people think this is a helpful thing to point out? And you're already doing something about it.
This drives me crazy. My mom is like that. "Oh I just thought you'd like to know.". MY PANTS TELL ME EVERY DAY THANK YOU.
sofamonkey is right. It sounds like you actually believe her. That's what is sad. I absolutely see NOTHING wrong with how you look or what you wear. What's next? Cosmetic surgery to change the shape of your face? Boob job? Tummy Tuck? I mean, what the actual fuck?
I would be SO upset. Crying in the bathroom stall upset.
You are really pretty @misoangry and you have an awesome wardrobe! I really admire how you have so quickly changed your diet after they told you that you are prediabetic. I was prediabetic at my first yearly physical after my daughter was born and I really struggled to change my eating/drinking habits. You have attacked the issue head on.
Post by pantsparty on Mar 17, 2015 17:36:42 GMT -5
The thing is you're not an idiot. I think you would know if something specifically about your appearance was preventing you from getting ahead.
You dress stylishly and I would seriously kill for your skin. You always appear well-groomed. Not to mention you have an excellent track record of doing quite well in spite of these "hindrances."
Like if you smelled on the regular? Okay, that would need to be addressed. And if you want to lose weight because YOU want to? Great. But unless you work for a sexist asshole, I don't really believe you're being held back by your appearance.
I don't know, I have blunt friends, and sometimes I need someone just to tell me like it is - that being said, if one of my blunt friends said something actually hurtful or untrue, then I would be upset.
But really, I am a fat person. I know I am fat. This is not news to me, and I definitely wouldn't see it as anything other than a fact. I think sometimes I shock people with how honest I am about my fatness. I guess some people think it's taboo to talk about being fat if you're not also talking about being on a diet or exercising, but someone telling me I'm fat is like someone pointing out my hair color.
I bet your friend didn't say it to hurt your feelings, she just feels comfortable telling you the truth as she sees it. It's good to get different perspectives, and if you don't agree with it, let it roll off your back.
[EDIT] - I went back and read SueSue's post about vicious comments designed to hurt - I have experienced that as well (and fuck those people), but if I would look at the situation as a whole...for example, my extremely nice foreign bosses bought me "special" tea for Christmas and told me it was very expensive where they were from because it was supposed to be good for diabetes. I don't have diabetes. I know they are just trying to look out for me and my health. So that is an example where I wouldn't be offended.
sofamonkey is right. It sounds like you actually believe her. That's what is sad. I absolutely see NOTHING wrong with how you look or what you wear. What's next? Cosmetic surgery to change the shape of your face? Boob job? Tummy Tuck? I mean, what the actual fuck?
That's not fair. We don't know that miso doesn't want to beef up her wardrobe or have shinier skin (probably impossible). It was bitchy but I don't think her friend was suggesting Miso is totally unsuitable for life.
Yeah, maybe she just doesn't like the squirrel dress. She just doesn't get it, that's all.
I'm sorry but that is not something a friend says. It's just not. It's sad that she believes these things and is putting them on you. Just because that was her "path" does not mean it is yours. You do you and fuck her advice.
Your friend is like my boss. As you know, he’d give me bonuses that he “encouraged” I use on my wardrobe, hair and makeup. It was embarrassing, insulting, even though I knew it came from a good place. And I hate that he’s right - that there are a lot of great lawyers out there and you just have to do what you can to set yourself apart and stand out and make people want you to succeed.
But...does he do this to men as well? Are men required to spend more money on their hair and grooming to stand out? Are the ones that succeed judged on their clothes and grooming?
I get it, when I started practicing someone said that to get more mentorship, you need to stand out as special and "worthy" of mentorship. I just don't like that clothes, hair and makeup can help one stand out as special. It's often the way it is, but certainly not fair.
Throughout the years, we've all laughed much of this off.
But this particular instance has stung.
Then, yeah, I vote that she was being a snatch. I'm sorry she hurt your feelings. Tell her that her "advice" was hurtful, even if it did come from a good place, but in my experience, insults rarely come from a good place. Someone doesn't say those things to be helpful. She said it to be mean.