Can we do some confessions/flamefuls?

[Deleted]

Well the surprise vs. accident issue is one of those things that is hard to admit to. For some reason, I feel like the term "surprise" has a more positive connotation than "accident," which implies unwanted to me. That might just be me though, lol. I feel bad about admitting that DD was an accident though that is technically the truth.

[Deleted]

I'd like to see a real UO thread on here. Or one of these boards. Not "I don't know why people don't swallow" (sorry PP) but maybe more like "I don't know why people are Republicans." Lol.

Well not if it gets mean and personal though.

[SJ]

May 27, 2015 18:55:12 GMT -5 @this said:

May 27, 2015 18:53:29 GMT -5 @starry said:

The slow burn on the daycare cost thread has been annoying. I prefer a light it up, knock it down flaming vs slowly going back and forth over a day.

I keep going back in there wondering why it's still going. And then just when I think it will die, there's like a quick lame MMM-style snarky comment. lol

I have had to restrain myself from replying any more in there. I keep wanting to start on the "active savings" stuff, but I just can't. I don't need to fight two battles in one thread, so I'm just hoping that whole thread goes away soon.

[Deleted]

May 27, 2015 19:05:47 GMT -5 @starry said:

May 27, 2015 19:03:27 GMT -5 CheeringCharm said:

Well the surprise vs. accident issue is one of those things that is hard to admit to. For some reason, I feel like the term "surprise" has a more positive connotation than "accident," which implies unwanted to me. That might just be me though, lol. I feel bad about admitting that DD was an accident though that is technically the truth.

well my point was more... if you aren't using birth control and get pregnant, this may surprise you but it isn't a surprising thing. Kind of like how I was surprised that this baby is a girl when I thought it was a boy. It surprised me but it isn't surprising (based on 50% odds). I think the odds of getting pregnant each cycle without birth control are 20%-ish.

Oh no I totally get what you're saying and I actually agree. I'm just saying that some people might prefer to use the word surprise because it doesn't have the negative connotation (it feels weird to say one of your children was initially unwanted, even years later, you know?) associated with the other word.

[bowies]

Hugs Brie. It's not your fault.

[SJ]

May 27, 2015 19:06:19 GMT -5 CheeringCharm said:

I'd like to see a real UO thread on here. Or one of these boards. Not "I don't know why people don't swallow" (sorry PP) but maybe more like "I don't know why people are Republicans." Lol.

Well not if it gets mean and personal though.

I think we talk to each other too much for this. I mean we have multiple random threads every day and we have UO threads and we have MOTN threads, plus we all share our opinions in every single other thread on every single board on this forum.

Not having outlets for UO's is not exactly our issue.

[bowies]

May 27, 2015 19:10:10 GMT -5 @starry said:

May 27, 2015 19:06:19 GMT -5 CheeringCharm said:

I'd like to see a real UO thread on here. Or one of these boards. Not "I don't know why people don't swallow" (sorry PP) but maybe more like "I don't know why people are Republicans." Lol.

Well not if it gets mean and personal though.

Once I confessed I voted for a Republican governor. Twice.

I thought that was pretty bold with this audience.

Which governor?

[Deleted]

May 27, 2015 19:10:41 GMT -5 SJ said:

May 27, 2015 19:06:19 GMT -5 CheeringCharm said:

I'd like to see a real UO thread on here. Or one of these boards. Not "I don't know why people don't swallow" (sorry PP) but maybe more like "I don't know why people are Republicans." Lol.

Well not if it gets mean and personal though.

I think we talk to each other too much for this. I mean we have multiple random threads every day and we have UO threads and we have MOTN threads, plus we all share our opinions in every single other thread on every single board on this forum.

Not having outlets for UO's is not exactly our issue.

Yeah I was just thinking we've pretty much beaten every kid related issue to death. Twice. Lol. That's what was great about the Nest, you'd occasionally get new drama lamas wandering over from the Knot or the Bump. Just enough to keep it interesting.

[anna7602]

May 27, 2015 19:03:27 GMT -5 CheeringCharm said:

Well the surprise vs. accident issue is one of those things that is hard to admit to. For some reason, I feel like the term "surprise" has a more positive connotation than "accident," which implies unwanted to me. That might just be me though, lol. I feel bad about admitting that DD was an accident though that is technically the truth.

I agree with you, and think it would be strange if people went around referring to their children as "accidents" in polite conversation.

[SJ]

I can respectfully disagree with people about economics, I can respectfully disagree with people about foreign policy, I can respectfully disagree with people about taxes or guns or even abortion.

But I cannot respectfully engage with anyone who supports the idea that marriage between two men or two women should be illegal in our secular nation.

I don't know if being a single issue voter is flameworthy or not, but I could never consider voting for anyone who does not support legal equality.

[aspentosh]

Brie- DON'T do it. You were (rightfully) pissed when your FIL made a similar comment about you causing it. You knew it was wrong and you still know it's wrong. Things happen and it wasn't anything you did. hugs.

[Deleted]

May 27, 2015 19:15:31 GMT -5 anna7602 said:

May 27, 2015 19:03:27 GMT -5 CheeringCharm said:

Well the surprise vs. accident issue is one of those things that is hard to admit to. For some reason, I feel like the term "surprise" has a more positive connotation than "accident," which implies unwanted to me. That might just be me though, lol. I feel bad about admitting that DD was an accident though that is technically the truth.

I agree with you, and think it would be strange if people went around referring to their children as "accidents" in polite conversation.

I've always thought it was weird how many people felt free to ask me if my pregnancies were planned. Like, you really want to know about my occasionally sloppy use of BC?? I think a lot of people assumed DS2 was unplanned when he was actually the most wanted and carefully timed of all three. Even my male boss once asked me that. Awkward, lol.

[cmarie11]

May 27, 2015 19:03:27 GMT -5 CheeringCharm said:

Well the surprise vs. accident issue is one of those things that is hard to admit to. For some reason, I feel like the term "surprise" has a more positive connotation than "accident," which implies unwanted to me. That might just be me though, lol. I feel bad about admitting that DD was an accident though that is technically the truth.

My mom had her tubes tied during her c-section with me, and a year later concieved my little sister. Growing up my brother and I used to tell her she was an accident, but my mom always chimed in that she a surprise, or more really, a shock.

[anna7602]

Brie, I always blame myself for things I want/need to control. I don't know if that is what is going in with you, but if it helps you to move forward and do everything you can for P to feel like if you do x, y, and z to "atone" for having done w, then so be it. If it's bringing you down and making you feel stuck, block those blaming feelings however you can.

And either way, hugs to you.

[Deleted]

May 27, 2015 19:20:09 GMT -5 cmarie11 said:

May 27, 2015 19:03:27 GMT -5 CheeringCharm said:

Well the surprise vs. accident issue is one of those things that is hard to admit to. For some reason, I feel like the term "surprise" has a more positive connotation than "accident," which implies unwanted to me. That might just be me though, lol. I feel bad about admitting that DD was an accident though that is technically the truth.

My mom had her tubes tied during her c-section with me, and a year later concieved my little sister. Growing up my brother and I used to tell her she was an accident, but my mom always chimed in that she a surprise, or more really, a shock.

That would be a shock! Oh my

[anna7602]

May 27, 2015 19:17:12 GMT -5 SJ said:

I can respectfully disagree with people about economics, I can respectfully disagree with people about foreign policy, I can respectfully disagree with people about taxes or guns or even abortion.

But I cannot respectfully engage with anyone who supports the idea that marriage between two men or two women should be illegal in our secular nation.

I don't know if being a single issue voter is flameworthy or not, but I could never consider voting for anyone who does not support legal equality.

Please shoot me if this is an unpopular opinion.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry @brie. I think it's totally normal to feel that way though I wish you wouldn't. You know, and we know, that you're a very careful, loving mother. Have you thought about seeing a counselor to possibly talk all this out with? It must be a lot of emotion to process.

[aspentosh]

This may be flameworthy. I sort of judged a mom today that didn't pay attention to her youngest kid. She had three (and was pregnant!) so she obviously had her hands full, but she let her youngest (maybe 1.5yo?) wander pretty far away from her at the zoo. And one place was to a pond! It was near where DD and I were so I scooted towards the girl, just in case, but the mom paid her no attention.

[anna7602]

CheeringCharm, my kids are 6.5 years apart. I get asked "was it planned/a surprise?" All.the.freaking.time. It's always by random people who don't know me well. Most of my close friends either knew we were trying or assume I wanted to wait until we moved back from France.

[anna7602]

Thanks to MMM and the ways-we-or-our-spouses-suck type of threads the other day, I just stopped and picked the mail off of the front hall floor as I was turning out the living room area lights for the night. But now it is tucked under my arm because I still don't have an organizational system! There is no logical place for my mail to go except for directly in the recycling bin.

[brooklyn]

May 27, 2015 17:46:10 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

May 27, 2015 17:42:56 GMT -5 brooklyn said:

niq H works in Manhattan so his commute would be pretty easy. And I'm a spoiled SCRU and my parents are happy to just give us the money, but H is too principled. If I handle phone calls/emails it at least evens out the deal a bit.

I keep trying to get H to move out of nyc to any other major city, but no luck so far.

This is surprising.  I always thought you never wanted to leave.  Huh.  Maybe I'm confusing you with someone else.

I never wanted to leave until I got pregnant and the inlaws turned on me.

[atarianna]

May 27, 2015 15:34:39 GMT -5 @roseyposey said:

May 27, 2015 15:31:49 GMT -5 atarianna said:

I reserve the C word for people truly deserving of it, and my SIL has joined the ranks. I feel so badly for my brother and though he has always been my BFF, I need to figure out how to tell him that she is not welcome in my home therefore they shouldn't plan their trip here in June.

deets. we like family drama around here. 

It's super long and thisisnotasafeplace, but the gist of it is that she comes from a wealthy family, expects everything to be handed to her, my brother works his butt of but cannot provide the lifestyle she is accustomed to. She is blatantly disrespectful to my family, especially my parents. She openly criticizes them when they are trying to be helpful, once walked away while my mom was in mid-sentence, once handed a gift back and saying "nope, not my style". She always has a headache or is studying for finals when they go to visit my anyone in my family and hides away from everyone.

Apparently she is completely different around her family, but it's a side of her I have never seen.

I understand that she may not like them, but holy shit. How can someone lack complete human decency and at least show a little respect. I also just feel so so bad for my brother. He has to walk this impossible line between her and my family and no matter what he says or does, he loses every time.

I just want to cry. Fuck.

[bowies]

@bunnybean I was actually thinking about that today. Our house cleaner is super thrilled that I am still semi-breastfeeding and likes to share that she BF her son to age 3. I'm the only one who hasn't judged her for it.

[cjeanette]

May 27, 2015 20:25:15 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Apparently this is flameful based on responses to MP's thread on ml, but I wouldn't sign up for increasing my commute from 5 minutes to 60 minutes for $20k more.

Ew. Me either. No desire to lose 2 hours of my day everyday.

[Deleted]

May 27, 2015 20:25:15 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Apparently this is flameful based on responses to MP's thread on ml, but I wouldn't sign up for increasing my commute from 5 minutes to 60 minutes for $20k more.

Is that flameful? I would not do that either.  I have a 5 minute commute and get to spend about one hour (or less) in the morning with my kid and about three hours at night. So cutting two hours out of that would mean half the time.  Plus I don't like driving.  Nope nope nope.

[glitzy07]

May 27, 2015 20:25:15 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Apparently this is flameful based on responses to MP's thread on ml, but I wouldn't sign up for increasing my commute from 5 minutes to 60 minutes for $20k more.

A thousand percent agree. I would take a $20k pay cut right now for a 5 min commute if we could afford it.

[Willis Jackson]

May 27, 2015 19:11:39 GMT -5 @starry said:

May 27, 2015 19:09:40 GMT -5 CheeringCharm said:

Oh no I totally get what you're saying and I actually agree. I'm just saying that some people might prefer to use the word surprise because it doesn't have the negative connotation (it feels weird to say one of your children was initially unwanted, even years later, you know?) associated with the other word.

oh yeah even though my uncle was totally an accident (I did not question my grandparents about their birth control methods, but he was born 6 years later when the first four were born 18 months apart), they would never use that word. I don't think they would even admit out loud that he was unplanned though. They didn't have message board confessions back then.

My mom's friend had a baby like this (5 in a row, and then #6 6 years later) and it was planned. She said she wanted to have one last baby to enjoy while the rest were in school.

[glitzy07]

May 27, 2015 20:46:02 GMT -5 h said:

Based on the first few responses here (and, IIRC, a similar thread on MMM in the past), I am guessing the general consensus about whether a 60 minute commute is worth $20k is going to be different here than on ML.

I wonder why? Because we all have kids so time away from home seems to come at a higher cost? Because $20k is "worth" less to us on average?

Maybe because we have kids. I hated my commute pre-C too, but it's definitely harder now with him when it severely limits the time I see him at night.

[anna7602]

May 27, 2015 20:46:02 GMT -5 h said:

Based on the first few responses here (and, IIRC, a similar thread on MMM in the past), I am guessing the general consensus about whether a 60 minute commute is worth $20k is going to be different here than on ML.

I wonder why? Because we all have kids so time away from home seems to come at a higher cost? Because $20k is "worth" less to us on average?

$20k isn't even $20k, though, once you factor in taxes, commuting costs and extra childcare (including before or after care if your kids are in school), plus the cost of all the other stuff you may outsource if you're home for two hours less every day.

[glitzy07]

May 27, 2015 21:00:18 GMT -5 h said:

May 27, 2015 20:56:44 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

I'm going to assume HHI is higher here.  It's a lot easier to say no to that extra money if you don't need it as badly.  ML seems to have a broader group of people in it than MMM.

I am guessing you are right. I think we may also trend older? I would have felt differently when I was younger, broker, and childless.

To be honest, $20k would be a miracle for my household budget, but I still don't know if I would take another job with a long commute even with a raise. I even said in the other evening post that I'd willingly take a pay cut to work close to home than I do now, if I could afford it, but we're already so tight that I couldn't seriously consider it.