Can we do some confessions/flamefuls?

[cincodemayo]

May 28, 2015 10:30:23 GMT -5 sent said:

So along the lines of dancing and the thread earlier this week about grandparents, my husband has a cousin who along with her SIL, the two of them love to get dressed up and hit up all the bars in suburbia and chronicle their adventures all across FB. They leave their kids with various grandparents. I judge the cousin hard for leaving her kids with the grandparents who drive up from 3 hours away just so she can go out dancing.  I mean I leave my kid with her grandparents, but that's so I can work and make a living and have money for my kid's future so that makes my reason better right?

That's my flameful.

LOL. 

Get out of here with that.

[glitzy07]

So, I've only ever used family for babysitters and I've never paid them (because they won't take it if I try). Apparently I'm the worst.

ETA: Besides daycare, obvi.

[rbp]

May 28, 2015 10:46:23 GMT -5 sent said:

May 28, 2015 10:37:05 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

You realize you're essentially saying no one should use babysitters for fun?

Or is there something wrong about grandparents doing the babysitting?  Because whether she is working or going out, they are still driving 3 hours and still spending time with their grandkids.

Now, if this was the ONLY time they invited the grandparents over, that would seem a bit dickish.

I did say it was a flameful.  The grandparents come up a lot and watch the kids when she has random work trips too.  My mom already watches DD for me so I can work for which I am eternally grateful (I am home today hence I am on here), but I would never ask her to watch DD so I could go dancing.  I would ask my husband and if he couldn't do it, I wouldn't go.    

Go you?

[Velar Fricative]

I wouldn't use my mom or my ILs to babysit so I could go dancing either but that's only because I dance like this:

[anna7602]

Ah, and I have a confession. My parents' 50th wedding anniversary is tomorrow. My brother is hosting a surprise party for them this weekend. I am driving a few hours each way with the kids in tow, probably without DH because he is swamped at work. I already feel like being there and helping my brother with party logistics is gift enough. But since it's a surprise, I know I should send them flowers or something to arrive at their house tomorrow. And I just don't freaking want to. I will do it anyway, but wanted to get it out there that I'm annoyed I have to rent a car and deal with the kids solo for a day and overcome my anxieties about driving (I have never driven a car with DS in it) and find some other gift on top of that.

[thebreakfastclub]

Do I go to lunch now, or find a Footloose gif now?

Decisions.

[Velar Fricative]

BIL and SIL took DD overnight for Game 5 this weekend. The ILs are taking DD overnight for Game 7 tomorrow.

I mean, depending on how Game 7 goes, this *might* be me in the stands. Is this dancing okay?

[Deleted]

May 28, 2015 10:46:23 GMT -5 sent said:

May 28, 2015 10:37:05 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

You realize you're essentially saying no one should use babysitters for fun?

Or is there something wrong about grandparents doing the babysitting?  Because whether she is working or going out, they are still driving 3 hours and still spending time with their grandkids.

Now, if this was the ONLY time they invited the grandparents over, that would seem a bit dickish.

I did say it was a flameful.  The grandparents come up a lot and watch the kids when she has random work trips too.  My mom already watches DD for me so I can work for which I am eternally grateful (I am home today hence I am on here), but I would never ask her to watch DD so I could go dancing.  I would ask my husband and if he couldn't do it, I wouldn't go.    

I think you're doing parenting wrong. 

[Velar Fricative]

May 28, 2015 10:59:38 GMT -5 @this said:

May 28, 2015 10:58:27 GMT -5 Velar Fricative said:

Is this dancing okay?

You'd be the little kid here, right?

Yes, but I'd want to be the other guy more.

[darnkatz]

[glitzy07]

May 28, 2015 11:00:36 GMT -5 @natariru said:

May 28, 2015 10:58:27 GMT -5 Velar Fricative said:

BIL and SIL took DD overnight for Game 5 this weekend. The ILs are taking DD overnight for Game 7 tomorrow.

I mean, depending on how Game 7 goes, this *might* be me in the stands. Is this dancing okay?

Will you be making a living? Generating money for your child's future? I DON'T THINK SO! NOT ALLOWED!

What if you are exotically dancing for money?  Then it's all good, right?  

[jeaniebueller]

May 28, 2015 10:30:23 GMT -5 sent said:

So along the lines of dancing and the thread earlier this week about grandparents, my husband has a cousin who along with her SIL, the two of them love to get dressed up and hit up all the bars in suburbia and chronicle their adventures all across FB. They leave their kids with various grandparents. I judge the cousin hard for leaving her kids with the grandparents who drive up from 3 hours away just so she can go out dancing.  I mean I leave my kid with her grandparents, but that's so I can work and make a living and have money for my kid's future so that makes my reason better right?

That's my flameful.

My mom drives up from 3.5 hours away to babysit on weekends sometimes. ^o) 

[darnkatz]

May 28, 2015 11:01:44 GMT -5 glitzy07 said:

May 28, 2015 11:00:36 GMT -5 @natariru said:

Will you be making a living? Generating money for your child's future? I DON'T THINK SO! NOT ALLOWED!

What if you are exotically dancing for money?  Then it's all good, right?  

[sent]

May 28, 2015 10:48:20 GMT -5 @pnkybrwstr said:

May 28, 2015 10:46:23 GMT -5 sent said:

I did say it was a flameful.  The grandparents come up a lot and watch the kids when she has random work trips too.  My mom already watches DD for me so I can work for which I am eternally grateful (I am home today hence I am on here), but I would never ask her to watch DD so I could go dancing.  I would ask my husband and if he couldn't do it, I wouldn't go.    

Huh?  Why not?

No, my husband and I don't use baby sitters.  If there is some social event one of us wants to attend where we can't bring DD, we figure out our schedules so one of us stays home.  We do try hard to make our schedules work out to attend big events like weddings, but unless the wedding is local, we are usually attending alone.  Otherwise, we don't go though this has only happened once where we bowed out of a random dinner where kids weren't allowed.  We don't really go on date nights.  We have taken DD with us to some restaurants when she's fallen asleep, but that's about it.  I'm ok with that at this phase in my life.  

[anna7602]

May 28, 2015 10:56:34 GMT -5 @dontcallmeshirley1 said:

May 28, 2015 10:53:06 GMT -5 anna7602 said:

Ah, and I have a confession. My parents' 50th wedding anniversary is tomorrow. My brother is hosting a surprise party for them this weekend. I am driving a few hours each way with the kids in tow, probably without DH because he is swamped at work. I already feel like being there and helping my brother with party logistics is gift enough. But since it's a surprise, I know I should send them flowers or something to arrive at their house tomorrow. And I just don't freaking want to. I will do it anyway, but wanted to get it out there that I'm annoyed I have to rent a car and deal with the kids solo for a day and overcome my anxieties about driving (I have never driven a car with DS in it) and find some other gift on top of that.

This would be a level of hell for me. You have my sympathies.

South Jersey on a Sunday. I anticipate being stuck in a lot of traffic on the way home. Boooo!

[jeaniebueller]

May 28, 2015 11:05:44 GMT -5 sent said:

May 28, 2015 10:48:20 GMT -5 @pnkybrwstr said:

Huh?  Why not?

No, my husband and I don't use baby sitters.  If there is some social event one of us wants to attend where we can't bring DD, we figure out our schedules so one of us stays home.  We do try hard to make our schedules work out to attend big events like weddings, but unless the wedding is local, we are usually attending alone.  Otherwise, we don't go though this has only happened once where we bowed out of a random dinner where kids weren't allowed.  We don't really go on date nights.  We have taken DD with us to some restaurants when she's fallen asleep, but that's about it.  I'm ok with that at this phase in my life.  

In all seriousness, (and since I have no clue the ages of your kids), I would find some way to have an occasional kid free night with my husband. If this works for you, KOKO I guess. But it just seems kind of odd to not want to attend events with your spouse or use a sitter.

[Deleted]

Maybe you feel like you can't ask your parents to babysit to go dancing since your mom already babysits 40+ hours a week sent?

I only get free babysitting from my parents a few times a year but they're happy to do it so I have no such guilt.



But anyway, going out without kids with your spouse is very important IMHO.  I'm not going to take an 18 year hiatus from dating my husband.

[countthestars]

But what is going to happen when your kids go off to college and you and your husband are strangers sharing a house? Babysitters (paid, unpaid, family, strangers) are a huge asset to any marriage.

[sent]

May 28, 2015 11:07:16 GMT -5 @marshmallows said:

sent, why do you not use babysitters?

My parents never did.  Neither did my husband's parents.  Besides that, it seems so stressful for me to find a sitter I like and trust and also get DD to like this person for what, so we could go dancing?  See a Broadway show?  The dancing and shows will be there in a few years when DD is old enough to not freak out if someone else is watching her.  

[rbp]

May 28, 2015 11:16:48 GMT -5 sent said:

May 28, 2015 11:07:16 GMT -5 @marshmallows said:

sent, why do you not use babysitters?

My parents never did.  Neither did my husband's parents.  Besides that, it seems so stressful for me to find a sitter I like and trust and also get DD to like this person for what, so we could go dancing?  See a Broadway show?  The dancing and shows will be there in a few years when DD is old enough to not freak out if someone else is watching her.  

It takes a village. Do you really only want your DD to tolerate being around a few people?

[anna7602]

sent, I get not wanting to use more childcare when you're already away from your kid all week. I felt this way when DD was very little and I was already stressed about pumping and about feeling touched out and pretty much only wanted to sleep if she was sleeping, not be out doing something with DH if she was home sleeping with a sitter.

BUT, and I can only speak for myself here, in the long list of things I promised myself to do differently the second time around so that I could make parenting easier on myself, at the top of my list was "regular date nights with DH." What is it that everyone says around here? "Fake it until you make it" So yeah, I still would rather have been sleeping in the early days, but the regular date nights with DH made a world of difference in managing the general stress levels of parenting a baby again. We were kinder to each other, had better communication, and felt like we were in this together.

[sent]

May 28, 2015 11:12:25 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

Maybe you feel like you can't ask your parents to babysit to go dancing since your mom already babysits 40+ hours a week sent?

I only get free babysitting from my parents a few times a year but they're happy to do it so I have no such guilt.

But anyway, going out without kids with your spouse is very important IMHO.  I'm not going to take an 18 year hiatus from dating my husband.

Yeah, that's probably part of it.  And my mom would give me a HUGE guilt trip if I asked her to babysit so I could go dancing.  She'd give me a pass to attend someone's wedding but plain old socializing, no.  

She watches DD more like 25 hrs/week since I work part-time.  

Deep down I am probably jealous of the cousin.  

[sent]

May 28, 2015 11:17:55 GMT -5 @natariru said:

May 28, 2015 11:16:48 GMT -5 sent said:

My parents never did.  Neither did my husband's parents.  Besides that, it seems so stressful for me to find a sitter I like and trust and also get DD to like this person for what, so we could go dancing?  See a Broadway show?  The dancing and shows will be there in a few years when DD is old enough to not freak out if someone else is watching her.  

This doesn't answer why you only take your child to a restaurant if she's sleeping?

No we take her to restaurants sometimes when she is awake too.  I meant that "date nights" happen if she is sleeping while we are at a restaurant because I can concentrate on my meal and margarita if I know I don't have to watch DD try to stab herself with a fork.

[boxerdog]

I ask grandparents to babysit so I can go out drinking/socializing all the time. They are so happy to steal the kid away, they don't care what I am doing.

I realize I am very lucky, but damn! Time away from your kid is important!

[bittybomb]

May 28, 2015 10:46:23 GMT -5 sent said:

May 28, 2015 10:37:05 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

You realize you're essentially saying no one should use babysitters for fun?

Or is there something wrong about grandparents doing the babysitting?  Because whether she is working or going out, they are still driving 3 hours and still spending time with their grandkids.

Now, if this was the ONLY time they invited the grandparents over, that would seem a bit dickish.

I did say it was a flameful.  The grandparents come up a lot and watch the kids when she has random work trips too.  My mom already watches DD for me so I can work for which I am eternally grateful (I am home today hence I am on here), but I would never ask her to watch DD so I could go dancing.  I would ask my husband and if he couldn't do it, I wouldn't go.    

Ahhh, you'd never like to spend a minute with your husband alone?  Without your child(ren) present?

You can put me in the shitty parent camp because my husband and I go out for a date night at least once a month, and we either pay a babysitter, or more commonly, one set of our parents watches the kids.  Shockingly, no one seems harmed by this arrangement.  Least of all my children, who actually get excited for someone else to put them to bed (probably bc they can eat crap all night while staying up late watching too much tv, but I guess that makes us shitty parents too).

[Velar Fricative]

May 28, 2015 11:06:38 GMT -5 @pnkybrwstr said:

May 28, 2015 10:58:27 GMT -5 Velar Fricative said:

BIL and SIL took DD overnight for Game 5 this weekend. The ILs are taking DD overnight for Game 7 tomorrow.

I mean, depending on how Game 7 goes, this *might* be me in the stands. Is this dancing okay?

My confession is that I couldn't tell you what game 5/7 is referring to if my life depended on it.  But, I do like that dancing.

Rangers playoffs. This is your city now, dammit!

[sent]

May 28, 2015 11:30:42 GMT -5 @marshmallows said:

I think getting your DD used to people other than her parents and grandparents is a great benefit to her. 

I'm also confused by your reference to how your ILs didn't ever use babysitters - haven't you basically made them out to be total assholes on this board?  Why would you ever use their decisions as a factor in your own?  

I mentioned that to reference that neither my husband nor I grew up with babysitters, so it's not something we automatically think of now that we are parents.  

My IL's are many levels of suck, but my husband had a lot to do with that.  It wasn't always this bad.  Obviously I don't share everything on GBCN, but the last few months of my life have been much better than the hell that was 2011 - 2015.  They are coming up this weekend because I am going to a wedding in Chicago.  My husband and DD were going to come, but after he lost his job we decided them staying home would be MMM right now.  I will be civil with them tomorrow, even if I accidentally saw the text where MIL is severely judging me for going to this wedding alone.  In her opinion, I should've stayed home since DD is staying home because she would've never done such a thing.  My husband said to ignore it because he is ok with me going, but obviously it stings to know that she thinks of me this way.  

[sent]

May 28, 2015 11:34:06 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

May 28, 2015 11:16:48 GMT -5 sent said:

My parents never did.  Neither did my husband's parents.  Besides that, it seems so stressful for me to find a sitter I like and trust and also get DD to like this person for what, so we could go dancing?  See a Broadway show?  The dancing and shows will be there in a few years when DD is old enough to not freak out if someone else is watching her.  

But maybe she'll continue to freak out because she never had a chance to get used to it.

Didn't you give a daycare a try for like 2 weeks and then quit because she hated it?  It seems like you're scared of change, so you're projecting that onto your daughter and not allowing her to overcome things.

And thus ends my armchair therapist talk.

Does she have to overcome things at such a small age?  I don't remember anything my life before age 4 at best.  I sent her for a month and she was sick and crying all the time.  I stopped because I had another choice.  Obviously if I had no choice, we would've both adapted.  I am thinking about sending her again, but when she's ready.  In my mind, I don't think that's quite yet.  

[sent]

May 28, 2015 11:41:43 GMT -5 @this said:

sent WTF? Are women never supposed to go anywhere alone? lol

Why are the ILs coming up if your husband isn't going to the wedding and will be home with your DD?

Are these the same ILs that babysit for your SIL while she goes out bar hopping and dancing? Why do they judge you and not her? Obviously she can just shake it off - so should you!

No, those IL's would be MIL's sister and her husband.  It's my husband's cousin so that is his aunt.  The best time for IL's to come up is when I'm not around.  They don't have to come this weekend as my husband can watch DD alone all weekend and he would if they had other committments.  

It's been fun MMM, but DD is shockingly still napping and I have to run to work for a few hours.  My husband will feed her when she gets up.  

[D2M]

I don't want to add to the sent pile-on because it sounds like she's been going through some tough stuff but I very much agree with what anna7602 said about the importance of nourishing your marriage, especially when parenting. That said, I kind of understand where sent is coming from, although she could have expressed things a lot better. I married into a similar culture as what I believe sent's to be and among the older generation, there is zero (or very little) concept of date nights once you become a parent. And no one hires a babysitter; that's what piles of aunts/uncles and older cousins are for if you need to go somewhere, but mostly you bring your kid to everything. (Also: little/zero concept of things like a kid-free wedding.) If grandma and grandpa are the primary childcare while working, I can also see reluctance to use them on weekends for non-essential stuff. BUT, I see child-free time as pretty essential to maintaining my sanity and my marriage. I know you said your mom would judge you, sent, but that's on her. Have a night out with your husband or some girlfriends!